Tantrums and petty behaviour

[incapablemale]

Hello,

First post, so please let me know gently if I am in the wrong bit. Not sure really if this should be in AIBU, but thought it fitted better here. Apologies its so long.

I find myself in a marriage that is not fun or happy. While I have read a fair bit on various threads about many husbands being useless and totally oblivious to any household tasks, I like to think and hope I'm not in that league.

OH recently gave birth to second child (DD) and had many complications. For over a month before the birth I took significant time off work and cared for DC1, OH and the house. Although cleaning is something that I'm not that hot on, for the last 6 months now, I have washed up everything every day, making sure the kitchen is clean for the next day, and everything ready to use. I've cooked ALL the meals, I've done as much washing as I can, and have taken as much care of DC1 as I possibly can, caring for him throughout the night, and when I can taking DC2 to give my OH sleep.

However, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope with her behaviour. Things that annoy her are blown out of all proportion. I am aware that the sun does not shine from my posterior, but stupid little things that we could grin and have a laugh about are always turned into a matter of her getting more and more stressed, shouty and unpleasant.

Any time she is annoyed (almost all the time it seems) she withholds physical affection, talks to me in a cold or very hostile and sometimes threatening way, and uses the children (the threat of taking them away) for emotional blackmail.

To an extent, if I really am as annoying as she seems to think I am then I deserve some of this behaviour, however, what really worries me is that DC1 is like a sponge and is picking up this behaviour, and how to treat and talk to me.

What on earth can I do to make her see that we don't need the stress and also talk/bring down situations that otherwise seem to flare up from nothing to massive arguments?

It's not in your power to help her

Charlotte is absolutely correct and very sensible.

Your wife has not been behaving reasonably for some time. You, yourself, recognise you cannot do anything right by her (despite all your best intentions).

A quick chat with your local constabulary should take place before the doctor's visit. Given that you have been assaulted, and like many who are caught up in a domestic assault, you feel you do NOT want to involve the police because of the sheer detriment to the family (including the wider family). This is the best ammunition the abuser has. Shield yourself (and your children) from this first.

arsenaltilidie My husband definitely doesn't tip toe because we have been at each other's throats (verbally I mean but almost physically) in the past. What I'm trying to ascertain - and it's really hard from just reading this thread - is whether an alternative route can be explored.

Of course, if OP is being attacked, than by all means he needs to protect himself and dcs and call emergency services.

But I can relate to his wife because I've been in her shoes. Being in a house/place I didn't want, not having the support from my dh's family (who in fact, I fell out with but on an altogether different issue) having two really demanding dcs all on my own - whilst hubby out to work all day, bereft of adult company. It's not so much I didn't think hubby didn't pull his weight, in his mind he did. He worked a full day in the office. In my mind, he didn't I worked a full day at home (albeit unpaid) with two 2dcs. So how can he come home and not run me a bath/rub my back (and he probably thought the same!!).

Was I abusive to hubby? Yes I probably was. Did I receive as good as I got? Yes I did.

Whilst I was screaming at my DH to come home from work and look after me, I actually was angry about the fact I was living in a home I didn't want to be in. I blamed it all on DH. Anger manifests in a multitude of ways, and it takes a time to peel back the layers and find out what really is the issue.

We didn't see eye to eye. Did we split up? Yes, we actually did for 9months, but what we worked out, and what was a MUCH much better route for us was to see a professional couples counsellor and mediator.

Fast forward 2 years on, we are really strong. Not so much the arguments are less, we still argue, but we are far less intense. We use the 'Time out' method. We do a T sign if the argument is getting so heated, it becomes incoherent. But why do we respect and do that? Because we want to be together. We genuinely want to be one family. [And we are not married, we took no oath to be together].

I think what did it for me - if this helps op - at all. Was that me and dh had a real chat about our present state, what it would mean if we continued the way we were, what the alternative futures are.

We all have choices, but you need to talk. And talk in a place, away from home and kids, and spend some quality time thinking things over. It doesn't have to be the end.

Why was I willing to talk? Because I got encouragement from dh that we needed to save our marriage and we got professionals in to help us and talk to both of us.

Your wife may not be ready to talk and possibly she is very mentally ill. I can't say, but I was mentally ill once and all I'm trying to do is throw some light on how ill one can be and practical means to get both yoursselves out of it.

So, this afternoon, I phoned the doctor. He agreed to slot us in that same day if DP agreed. She didn't and sadly I didn't get to see replies in here, so I didn't go, but I did tell him over the phone about the situation.

Turns out DP was mad at me for sending a blow by blow account if last night to her sister and parents. Hence the text earlier. She totally refused to believe that she hit me.

I also managed to arrange a Relate session. DP said she would only go if I stopped saying she hit me as it want true. IT IS. And I refused to change the truth. I dragged her kicking and screaming (protesting and then saying she would enjoy making me look as bad as I am) to it. And what a breath if fresh air!
We were late - stress, sat- nav problems. But the lady we saw was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She must have let us go on and on. She instantly said I should not have to drop work to rush to her aid, and that she is being mega controlling. She also said DP has PND - just as we thought.

Relate lady said to get the health visior round in the morning - will do as soon as I can!!!

DP complained that she was being painted as the evil one, but I realise that on telling her family I have stopped hiding her behaviour and making excuses for her to my friends - a good start I think ;-)

That is good, OP. I hope she agrees to see the HV.

I'm really pleased that the counselling was so helpful. Can I just say, though, that in situations where there is abuse (for whatever reason), joint counselling is not usually recommended. This is her problem to sort out, not a problem of the relationship, iyswim. If she needs any sort of counselling, it should be individual.

Good luck tomorrow.

Well done OP! Of the range of possible outcomes, this is one of the better ones.

Interesting to read that abuse should be solo counselling. I thought it was soo good to be able to tell a third -neutral - party things in front of my OH and see OH reacting to the Relate lady's observations.

OH did do counselling two years ago but never told me what for. Apparently she was not crazy and was right. Therefore I am not sure solo stuff is best. It certainly helped today to get stuff out in the open and (maybe not accepted) but listened to instead of just being dismissed by OH

I think she will need solo counselling for other issues to do with horrendous birth, but if she needs me I would be happy to go.

OP: solo counselling would be a good idea for you as well. It's difficult and damaging to live with an abusive partner, or one who is suffering from severe mental health problems, and a counsellor can help you cope better or plot your exit from the relationship, if necessary.

Mind you, there are still a couple of things I wonder about.

Firstly, was your wife always this angry and unhappy?

Secondly, are there reasons why she might find it hard to make friends in your new home eg she doesn't speak English or the house is somewhere with poor public transport and she can't drive/has no car?

You mention a horrendous birth op. Putting this into the picture and your wife's erratic, angry, violent behaviour can I suggest that she may also have Post traumatic stress disorder.

This would automatically put your wife into survival defensive mode and would explain her continual need to basically run away and her outbursts of a physical nature, very short fuse and the extent of her behaviour. It's the fight or flight symptoms that are textbook PTSD after a traumatic birth.

PTSD can dramatically increase her chances of PND and as we all know she has this. In my mind PND is a certainty.

I have had PND and PTSD at the same time as a baby and its an absolute living hell. Its terrifying . Everything your wife does she's doing it because she is actually out of control. Her brain can take no more it is trying so hard simply to deal with the memory's that the slightest additional stress tips her over the edge. Put that on top of PND and two dc and you get meltdown. She is ill, very ill. Everything she does is a warped cry for help. She wants someone to notice she's not coping and to help her. I wonder if she realises that she can run away as far and for as long as she wants but her head goes with her! She can't run away from herself and how she feels.

Phone your child's health visitor. They will (should) have a dedicated worker for this and explain to them that you have serious concerns for your wife and the effects on your dc and you want someone out to see her today!

You are not imagining this. She is out of control and you are in her firing line.

Its time to stand up to her op she needs you.

I can't link as on my phone but look up the birth trauma association.

Im glad the relate woman was good. Does your wife accept anything she said?

Was she always like this though? Even before the birth?

As your wife has PND it may be an idea to have some more sessions with the relate counsellor. The counsellor has recognised that your wife's behaviour is unreasonable which is the key thing when one person is being abusive that the counsellor recognises this.

You could use the sessions to explore how you can help your wife and for your wife to have a 3rd party to help ascertain which of her expectations are reasonable and which are clearly not.

It is not usually recommended that you have both individual and couples therapy at the same time but you could discuss this with the relate person you saw and ask what she thinks in the current situation what would be the best thing for both of you.

It sounds like your wife has some deep seated issues that weren't resolved those few years ago and the birth of your 2nd dc has tipped her back over the edge, it could well be a long road to recovery. Also everything cupcake has said, she is probably desperate for you to make everything better, angry with you for not doing so and also angry at herself and refusing to admit to herself that she has a huge emotional problem going on. It truly is living hell to be in such a state of trauma.

I am sure she does not respect me, in fact I'm not sure she respects anyone. Any/all rules exist purely to be bent or ignored by her it would seem, and when she does occasionally run into a jobsworth it can get unpleasant.

Are you referring to how she always is here or since baby has been born?

You also said she went for counselling and came home and said she was right about everything. Again was that since having baby? My abusive ex did that. Went to counselling because of his abusive behaviour and came home and told me that the counsellor had told him it was all my fault.

Im concerned that pnd might be a contracting factor but that her personality is like this anyway.

Even abusive people can get depression, but are still abusive iyswim.

Just wanted to add some support. You sound like you are doing everything right for your dc, your wife and yourself. Sorry you have found yourself in such a hard situation. Keep going. Good luck.

Cookie it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship tbh.

OP She has been to counselling before and is going back again!! meaning she has always been a cock but now it seems to have got worse.
For counselling to successful, SHE has to want to change.

The truth of the matter you are in an abusive relationship and you need to leave.
Just read the abusive relationship thread.

It does if she went for counselling for similar issues and then came home and announced that actually she was in the right all along or something.

Yes it is. But i think that's what Arsenal meant, rather than saying that people who've had previous counselling are cocks.

counselling for similar issues and then came home and announced that actually she was in the right all along or something

That's exactly what i meant.

You're doing incredibly well, icm. Your wife's lucky to have you - even though she can't see that right now!

Some of the things you've said make me, too, fear you may have unwittingly set up home with an abuser. Such a lot depends on whether the previous abusive behaviour was PND or not, but your present situation is an emergency and that's what matters now.

We often hear of Relate counsellors who are so awful, they shouldn't be allowed anywhere near distressed people! But some are marvellous. I'm delighted you found one of those. The warning about relationship counselling & abuse comes from the fact that abusive people are generally very good at manipulating counsellors - this means they can turn a therapeutic situation into yet another means of bullying their partner. A good, experienced counsellor will be alert to this, as yours was :)

PTSD from birth trauma is really serious. She'll likely need proper psychotherapy for it. This, however, is a bridge to be crossed later - I mention it now, as others have, because your crisis is a great opportunity to get all the relevant support lined up and informed. It's brilliant that you're not afraid to reach out & tell your truth: please keep doing so, for your whole family's sake.

Still wishing you well.

So we know she had a psychological issue she refused to share with her partner, and responded to counselling by asserting there was no issue and she was "right".

Those are two red flags the size of double duvets, right there.