Tantrums and petty behaviour

[incapablemale]

Hello,

First post, so please let me know gently if I am in the wrong bit. Not sure really if this should be in AIBU, but thought it fitted better here. Apologies its so long.

I find myself in a marriage that is not fun or happy. While I have read a fair bit on various threads about many husbands being useless and totally oblivious to any household tasks, I like to think and hope I'm not in that league.

OH recently gave birth to second child (DD) and had many complications. For over a month before the birth I took significant time off work and cared for DC1, OH and the house. Although cleaning is something that I'm not that hot on, for the last 6 months now, I have washed up everything every day, making sure the kitchen is clean for the next day, and everything ready to use. I've cooked ALL the meals, I've done as much washing as I can, and have taken as much care of DC1 as I possibly can, caring for him throughout the night, and when I can taking DC2 to give my OH sleep.

However, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope with her behaviour. Things that annoy her are blown out of all proportion. I am aware that the sun does not shine from my posterior, but stupid little things that we could grin and have a laugh about are always turned into a matter of her getting more and more stressed, shouty and unpleasant.

Any time she is annoyed (almost all the time it seems) she withholds physical affection, talks to me in a cold or very hostile and sometimes threatening way, and uses the children (the threat of taking them away) for emotional blackmail.

To an extent, if I really am as annoying as she seems to think I am then I deserve some of this behaviour, however, what really worries me is that DC1 is like a sponge and is picking up this behaviour, and how to treat and talk to me.

What on earth can I do to make her see that we don't need the stress and also talk/bring down situations that otherwise seem to flare up from nothing to massive arguments?

It's not ideal, and you are going to have to do something. First, you should seriously consider the practicalities of ending this relationship - who would stay in the family home, who would be the parent the children live with, how would you manage financially etc? Find out all the necessary information including benefits, legal position and work out a plan.
Then talk to the health visitor/GP/ your MIL again and insist that your wife sees a doctor regarding possible PND. If she refuses to do so then it is probably time to implement your leaving plan. You do not have to live with an abusive partner. Even if she is ill, if she refuses help and continues to abuse you, you are not obliged to suck it up indefinitely.

CapableMale I've messaged you, her behaviour sounds similar to some of mine when I was at my most depressed - if she refuses to try and get help then you have some very horrible choices to make. I'm very glad your MIL is on board.

That all sounds awful. Can your MIL take kids to the park or something so u can talk your wife? U could take her to gp and suggest cuncelling. Depressed or not she cant abuse u like that xxxx

Thank-you RandomMess, I've replied...

The problem I face is that every time I try and talk calmly to her, and make an environment that is calm to talk, she always starts shouting, and then says that I am shouting.

at 2am this morning, I was accused of pushing her, and pushing her, as I was hoping we could talk through the situation, but she was just wanting to get her side of the story out and then won't listen to me. Another favourite phrase is that 'I always have a reason for everything!'

I know this might sound stupid, but do people think its fair to insist on a massage at midnight, and then when its given as best I can manage, kicking off about it because its not perfect, then waiting until I am asleep and leaving me with a baby and not even making me aware that I was responsible for him?

I also realise she has slowly alienated me from all of my friends, to the point where I found myself saying earlier this summer that I would never visit friends with her again, as she always creates a bad situation from nothing.

I'm sorry I would be very tough and insist on joint counselling where you could bring up your concerns over her mental/emotional wellbeing in a situation where you would both be supported.

I think she needs some serious help.

She is either very controlling & abusive & just wants to you to provide financially & sperm wise or she is very very depressed indeed. Either way my concern is for your dc (and you) - this will affect them.

The key thing, OP, is how much her behaviour changed after the first pregnancy. Before she became pregnant, was she critical of you, selfish, inclined to make scenes, unreasonable etc? If she was 'difficult' before the first child, then she probably is an abusive person rather than a sick one. If she's almost unrecognisable now as the woman you fell in love with then she's more likely to be ill and able to recover in time.

Hi OP. I have little to add as the other posters have already given excellent advice.

But I presume you have a smartphone. You need to start recording as many conversations as possible with OH, and uploading them to Dropbox or the cloud. Android will timestamp the files for you.

This isn't to catch her out; this is to preserve your sanity. You're suffering from history editing, verbal twisting and gaslighting. As far too many people on here know, the abuser needs to sow doubt as a first step.

One other thing: the "calm happy voice". Are you raising your pitch slightly? Don't. Drop your tone if anything; the children detect your stress and respond accordingly.

I wore your tshirt for one horrible month, a long time ago.

Ithink we are all in agreement her behaviour is our of order. Question is, what are you going to do?

Do people think its fair to insist on a massage at midnight, and then kicking off about it?

Well, that's a big fat NO, it is not fair! It is not fair to ask a tired person for a massage at midnight. End of. Giving you grief about doing it 'wrong' was just rubbing salt in the wound, an extra control bonus.

It worries me that you even have to ask - she's warped your sense of what's reasonable. What you said about isolating you from your friends is also very worrying: abusers classically cause rifts with their target's friends and family, then take further advantage of this by painting an unpleasant picture of you to your previous supporters. This moves them closer to total control.

She cannot possibly have done this over a few months, with a new baby, so I'm now thinking you're with a domestic abuser - a full-time one, rather than a woman in the throes of hormonal depression. I'm sorry. Please get advice! Try the Men's Advice Line, which is run in conjunction with Women's Aid. Just talking it through with an expert can clear your head.

A massage after a twelve hour day? Well, no. Both would be knackered and both want to eat and sleep.

Yes, if you were the woman then we would all be urging you to take the children and go - at least for a while. As it is, try Respect or the advice line given by garlic above.

Record her. I'm not sure what else you can do at present. what you do with the recordinsg, I'm not sure, but I do think they would be good to have.

THIS IS A LONG POST - apologies, but I am at breaking point.

Sorry for silence, I really have appreciated all the advise and replies. I have yet not had time to do anything as I have been away for the week, working.

Before I went away, MIL came to stay (to help while I was away). I picked her up from the airport and drove her to our house and talked with her at great length about DP’s mood swings, controlling, abusive behaviour and that I think she is depressed and also has PND. MIL agreed and said depression runs in the family and that she would try and get her daughter to the docs and seek treatment with her and talk to her this week. Great, I think, and cross fingers. MIL said she was aware how her daughter seems to always make situations bad and is always frustrated when people (who are already bending over backwards to help) don’t help more.

I am so sad, and don’t know what to do. HELP!!! Tonight DP has decided to go abroad with children, and I don’t know what on earth to do!?

DC1 woke up vomiting during the night, MIL cleaned and changed DC1 and bed, and from 5am I took care of him until 7am when I took a couple of hours of sleep before I drove MIL to the airport - she lives abroad. I took all morning driving MIL back to airport. Returned back to my workplace late lunchtime (13:50) as I had two clients who were driving a 260 mile round trip for my advice.

I realised that I had a missed call from DP, who had rung me at 13:45. I must have been in an area of no signal. As soon as I could, I called her back at 13:53 so only 8 minutes after she called.

She wanted me to come home straight away to help with the children, but I had to explain that I couldn’t as I had 2 clients who had driven a round trip of over 260 miles for my expertise. I explained that I would be back as soon as I could, but she cut me off and hung up the phone. I tried to call her back but with no success. We desperately need the money that this work was paying me, as she isn’t contributing to life in the UK and my account, having paid for plane tickets for the family, food, bills and other essentials and none-essentials, is on vapour!

She phoned again at 16:55 and I was just finishing the second session. As soon as I had finished, I phoned her back at 17:08 having to cut the work as short as I dared - endangering my professional relationship with the clients.

I arrived home at 17:21 - I know because I tried to phone her from 300 metres away from the house to say I was almost there, but she didn’t reply.

When I got home she was angry with me and thrust DC2 into my hands and went to put DC1 to bed. DC1 was still vomiting if given anything and DC2 was needing to be BF but could not be as DC1 was needing attention. A situation that was not fun, but we have a big TV, LOTS of books, kids TV coming out of our ears on Netflix and LOTS of toys for DC1 to be distracted with. Was three hours so, so terrible?! (I wasn't out with mates, I was working during this time).

DC2 started to cry, and so DP stormed down stairs and told me to take DC1 upstairs away from DC2. I tied to cheer up DC1 who looked so sad, then DP shouted angrily up the stairs to put him to bed and to sleep. At this point DC1 heard his mum’s voice and started to panic and wanted to see DP so I brought him down stairs.

DP took DC1 upstairs and put him to sleep, having chewed me out about it in front of both DC. As she went up the stairs she was demanding I contact the airline and organise her and the children’s return to the other side of the world.

She came back down and said in a very threatening manor that I should leave her alone, and that she didn’t want to talk, even though I offered and pleaded with her to calm down and talk through the situation calmly. She went upstairs and I tried again to talk with her, and show her I was genuinely sorry that I couldn’t come sooner, but that I had got home as soon as I could. She told me in no uncertain terms, to GO AWAY!!!!

She was mad at me for not instantly answering my phone, even though I was working with two clients who had driven so far and were paying for my time and attention. I tired to explain to her that as soon as I realised she had called that I called her back each time, but I could not answer the phone in the middle of the sessions while explaining something to, or listening to someone who is paying me for my uninterrupted time.

I told her how happy MIL had been as we drove to the airport this morning, that DP had a such a lovely house, in a perfect location - close to the town centre, warm, dry, clean and that there are so many amazing activities for the children. DP’s response was that she had tried hard to convince MIL everything was correct when actually it wasn’t. My parents and their friends had spent two weeks before our family arrived in the country, cleaning and making the house ready for us. DP said, “The only thing that is good about this house is that it is free, nothing else.” Yes, did I mention, we have been allowed to stay in the house for free! I know we are amazingly lucky, and all my DP wants to do is trash the situation! ;-(

She told me to go out of the house, so, since she had had both babies all day, and I had DC2 in my arms, I thought, since she had just fed her, that I would visit my parents, get out of DP’s way so she could calm down and also my parents have only ever seen DC2 three times since we have been here for over a month, so they could see her again. I put her in her outdoor suit and took her to the car.

I had just put DC2 in the Car seat when DP stormed out of the house, started shouting at me and hitting and shoving me in the road, and threatened to phone the Police if I took DC2 to see my parents. She then shouted at me and made a scene in the road, and demanded to take DC2 back into the house.

She also said that me taking DC2 to my parents was the final straw as she does not trust my parents at all.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I have been as calm as possible, while she is verbally and physically abusive. I am writing this now at my parents house, as I don’t know what to do. But, I don’t know how she will get back to the other side of the world with both children. We cannot afford it. Sadly, she has my credit card, but I do have the children’s passports. How much good that is I don’t know.

I don’t know how, with everyone trying to make her comfortable, safe, protected, clothed, fed and entertained, how 3 hours with two children can mean she is now going to break up our family, insult my friends (and my family even more), remove my children from me and also deprive my parents of ever seeing their grandchildren again. HELP!!!

This is all starting to get quite complicated. Is your current home owned by your parents? Are you married to her? I appreciate that you might not want to name her country of origin, but if you think the marriage is over and she may take the children you need to get legal advice quickly, regarding whether she can take the children abroad without your permission in the first place.

I do also wonder if some of her behaviour might be down to homesickness - does she speak English? Has she any opportunity to make friends locally?

Well keep hold of the dc passports obviously so she cannot disappear.

Actually I think you need to urgently speak to the Health Visitor they are there to look out for the dc interests and you contact them usually through your gp/local health centre??? You can insist speak to the HV and tell her your concerns - that your partner cannot cope with looking after the dc, that she is very unhappy that she is abusive to you and that you are very concerned that depression and/or pnd are behind much of her behaviour.

We are married, home is a friend of the parents - who VERY kindly let us stay in it for free.

Shit.
Have you got the DCs birth certificates? If you haven't, get them asap.

And then you call the police.

I have one of them (Birth Certificates) what will that do? I suppose you need a new one for getting another passport?

Have you called the number garlic gave upthread, the Men's Advice Line?

Along with the practical advice you are getting, I just want to say: try detaching emotionally (again) as much as you can. You won't understand her logic because it is twisted abusive logic: it only ever makes sense to the abuser. Try not to listen: pretend you're floating above the scene and observing it from the outside.

It sounds an awful situation and I think you need as much good advice as possible, including legal advice.

Hmmm I think if you suspect she could flee you can get a stop put on the passports so new ones can't be issued by your dw reporting them as lost.

Did your MIL give you any feedback on what she thought was making your dw so unhappy? Could it be isolation and loneliness that she is blaming on your for coming to the UK?

Kotinka if you have reason to believe your spouse is going to leave the country with your dc and not return with them then I think you do have the right to stop them taking the dc out of the country because they reside here. That is something the op needs to check.

Ultimately though you need to get someone involved, it is impossible to force someone to see a GP unless you feel they are a danger to themselves and are basically asking for them to be sectioned which is why I though the HV would be a good route because the op is concerned for the welfare of his dc due to his dw behaviour/attitude/unhappiness.

Information about the prevention of abduction by the other parent is here

www.reunite.org/pages/prevention.asp

Government leaflet here

www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/210148/Int_Child_Abduction_0613.pdf