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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abneys aftermath - he's gone, what do I do now

168 replies

abneysporridge · 13/10/2013 07:48

Hi all , wanted to start this new thread as a follow on to my 'suspicious behaviour' thread, as obviously his actions aren't suspicious anymore - they're confirmed. He sent me a text last night to say he was safe and crashing at a friends - maybe it's ow, who knows. He was cross that I'd sent him packing knowing he had nowhere to go and I should consider how it is he got to this point. I just texted back that I'm sorry he was thrust out into the cold night but I've been living a cold facade for a month not knowing what to think and he should consider where he should have sought help, ie NOT in the arms of another woman. He's being such a manchild and not taking responsibility for this - he's not even calling it an affair, he calls it 'nice banter'.
Urgh. He's going to see his parents today and I told him to for god sake confide in someone - maybe not his folks but maybe his brother or another friend down there. Men just don't wanna talk do they. Maybe he knows the listener would slap him upside the head.
Meanwhile my 2 ds's have joined me in bed and playing their iPad games so I'm going to start imaging life as a single mum.

OP posts:
CeliaFate · 13/10/2013 07:53

"Nice banter" ffs! Angry
Next time he texts you whining that you've been mean to him, ask him to consider how he would feel if you'd been having "nice banter" with another man; exchanging texts, sleeping over his house when you'd lied and said you were at a friend's.
He's being a right knob isn't he?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2013 07:59

What to do... start as you mean to go on. Act like an independent woman and leave him to deal with his own life. Hope you have good weekend.

runes · 13/10/2013 08:02

Oh Abney. He is acting like an utter cunt Sad Angry. You have been fabulous, and your lovely boys will grow up with a healthy respect for strong women with you as their role model.

impatienttobemummy · 13/10/2013 08:06

Well done Abney I'm so glad he's gone, he was minimising to the max it would have been very hardto get any any sees from him whist still at home well done

Thisisaeuphemism · 13/10/2013 08:06

He is a fuckwit. I loathe him over the computer scream and his writing/music is crap too!
Please don't doubt yourself abney, you sound such a thoughtful, sensitive person - this is not your fault. Get angry with him, the arse. Please lean on family and friends today.

Thisisaeuphemism · 13/10/2013 08:23

"nice banter"? He's such a twat.

flippingebay · 13/10/2013 08:26

Sorry to hear he's reacted like this, I was hoping he'd be, at the very least, ashamed in his behaviour.

Nice banter Confused twat!

something2say · 13/10/2013 08:27

What he is trying to say is that it's all your fault. Which it isn't. He could have spoken to you before going of to get his ego massaged. I think it must be hard for you to watch as he tears down your previous image of him. X

What I think. You should do is have a quiet Sunday with your sons and do what you know to be right. Play with them, cook, put some washing on, have the TV on, have nice baths and then watch TV and an early night. Let this wait, let the days to past.

Walkacrossthesand · 13/10/2013 08:28

'You should consider how he got to this point'?! Says it all really doesn't it - I don't suppose he did anything relevant like talk to you about how he was feeling, try to make things better within the relationship, etc? No, so much easier to look outside and then blame 'the wife' for 'not understanding him'...

Coconutty · 13/10/2013 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
abneysporridge · 13/10/2013 09:07

Today were supposed to be going for lunch with fam so ill still do that, and just try to put this to the back of my mind.
He is trying to blame me but I think there's wider issues here - he hates his job and is only there to make money, he only needs money because he has a wife and 3 kids to support, therefore he must resent said wife and 3 kids for keeping him on the treadmill he hates so much, and tries to escape them by flirting and feeling special again, which then escalates blah blah...
Until he admits that we really can't move on. God I'm seeing things so clearly today. Thanks all again for your advice - you've saved my bacon Smile

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 13/10/2013 09:11

He's not been flirting, he has been spending nights with a female colleague and researching how to leave you.
He doesn't deserve your empathy right now, really.

Warbride · 13/10/2013 09:14

If he had issues with your marriage he should have sat down and discussed them with you. For example, I hate my job what can I do about it, you don't show me enough affection so let's both make more effort etc etc. NOT go running to the arms of the first woman to glance in his direction. It is easier to lay the blame with you and make it your fault. He is weak and pathetic. Good for you! I bet he has had a shock. If he loved you then he should have talked to you about his issues.

something2say · 13/10/2013 09:26

Abneys he chose to have the kids yes? An adult making decisions?

KatieScarlett2833 · 13/10/2013 09:31

You did the right thing. How dare he blame you and minimise his affair. He really is following the script, isn't he Hmm

onefewernow · 13/10/2013 09:36

Hi Abney , just ignore him, as Tessa says on the last thread. Don't give him the pleasure of the drama.

It's disappointing how far behind they are, blaming everyone but themselves.

PerpendicularVince · 13/10/2013 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatdoesittake48 · 13/10/2013 09:43

Unless he has brought up these issues about your relationship and you have failed to act on them - then I feel no sympathy whatsoever.

You don't go from feeling like your wife gives you no affection to wanting to leave without the inbetween bit about telling her your feelings...that is unless you meet someone else.

Hissy · 13/10/2013 09:54

You're not going to this family thing WITH him are you?

Tell him he's not going! You can still attend, he's lost that right at playing happy families.

Seriously, you have to show him what he's losing. The bigger the shock he has (and stop texting him) the more change you have of him sorting himself out and never ever doing this again.

Think rolled up newspaper, think short sharp shock, think ice bath. Don't soften a single blow.

He didn't consider how hard YOU'D find it, finding out he'd been sleeping with someone else, did he?

He's minimising, making you doubt yourself. Go cold, hard and focused.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 13/10/2013 09:55

Hi Abney, hope you're ok this morning and are able to enjoy your day with dcs and your family Flowers

Sounds as though he is playing things down somewhat, but perhaps a spell away having to sort his own underwear arrangements etc will give him cause to reflect how unfair he is being.

Main thing is now you look after yourself with regards to eating etc so you have strength to get through this.

ThePinkOcelot · 13/10/2013 10:04

Hey Abney, I haven't posted before but have been following you from the beginning. Just want to say, you are great. Cool, calm and collected all the way.

I think there is no way on earth that he stayed at her house and didn't sleep with her! And the band played believe it if you like!
He is trying to take you for a fool, but you are anything but!

MsBlouseyBrown · 13/10/2013 10:06

Abney, please don't waste your time making excuses for him or analysing him. He is responsible for his own actions. The only person who can sort him out is himself and if he doesn't want to then you are flogging a dead horse.

YoniMatopoeia · 13/10/2013 10:33

Abs. I hope you have a good day with your family.

Just keep repeating to yourself
I did not cause this
It is not my fault.

You have to keep that clear. Do not start to believe him in his blame game. He may even believe it, but it is just a way for him to minimise his responsibility for his own actions.

FrancescaBell · 13/10/2013 11:01

Although him wailing about having no clean socks or underwear straight after being asked to leave following your discovery of his affair lends weight to him being a 'manchild' I worry a bit about the way you attribute his behaviour to the child ego state, or that which is 'typical of men'.

I'm concerned that because you hold these views about what men are like you run the risk of treating him like an over-indulgent mother treats a wayward child, who is telling baredfaced lies. We probably all know a mum who even when the evidence of her child's behaviour is overwhelming, believes the unbelievable and clings on to the tiny shred of belief that it's not as bad as everyone else thinks.

He isn't a child and you're not his mother. It's not that men don't want to talk. He doesn't want to talk, take responsibility for his actions or admit them in full.

I hope this isn't out of turn, but I think that there needs to be a shift in your perception of him and his behaviour before you can move on. Treat him as an adult and get yourself out of this mother role and treat yourself as an adult who cannot love another adult unconditionally in the way you love your children.

It worries me that you've said this morning that you as a couple can't move on until he stops blaming you.

It's okay not to want to move on as a couple at all, regardless of what he does now. What he's done might have been too much and too awful for you to want anything more than a divorce.

Jux · 13/10/2013 11:30

Some men are wankers. He is one of them.

Well done, Abney. You have been so strong and dignified, so mature, so adult. All those things that he isn't. Maybe your example will make him think and help him do the right thing now, maybe it won't. Maybe you and he have a future together, maybe you don't.

Don't dignify his pathetic texts with a reply. You've said what needed to be said, and now you and he need to think about things separately. You are not responsible for him.

Concentrate on yourself and your children. Only let people who enhance your life into it.

Have a good day with your family. They sound lovely.

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