Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abneys aftermath - he's gone, what do I do now

168 replies

abneysporridge · 13/10/2013 07:48

Hi all , wanted to start this new thread as a follow on to my 'suspicious behaviour' thread, as obviously his actions aren't suspicious anymore - they're confirmed. He sent me a text last night to say he was safe and crashing at a friends - maybe it's ow, who knows. He was cross that I'd sent him packing knowing he had nowhere to go and I should consider how it is he got to this point. I just texted back that I'm sorry he was thrust out into the cold night but I've been living a cold facade for a month not knowing what to think and he should consider where he should have sought help, ie NOT in the arms of another woman. He's being such a manchild and not taking responsibility for this - he's not even calling it an affair, he calls it 'nice banter'.
Urgh. He's going to see his parents today and I told him to for god sake confide in someone - maybe not his folks but maybe his brother or another friend down there. Men just don't wanna talk do they. Maybe he knows the listener would slap him upside the head.
Meanwhile my 2 ds's have joined me in bed and playing their iPad games so I'm going to start imaging life as a single mum.

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 16/10/2013 23:06

tessa that was a great post, absolutely spot on. And I can say that from an OW's perspective too.

onefewernow · 16/10/2013 23:40

Tessa, spot on.

saffronwblue · 16/10/2013 23:43

Abney remember that you are not obliged to make any decisions on his timetable. Take your own time to think about what you need and what that will look like. You have the right to ask him for space and to control the narrative.
It makes me so angry when men decide to check out of family life because 'their needs aren't being met'. You will model loving consistency to your boys and that is what they will learn.

PyroclasticFlo · 18/10/2013 18:11

How are you doing today, Abney?

jellyfl00d · 18/10/2013 22:36

Thinking of you, especially as it's a week today since you had it out with the H, and your world must already be so different to what it was a week ago.
I hope your doing ok and you are able to make some headway in what must seem like a mine field, stay strong Abney Thanks

perfectstorm · 18/10/2013 22:39

Hope you are holding up okay, Abney. xxx

Original poster
abneysporridge · 19/10/2013 02:14

Thanks ladies. Have just got to bed having had a lovely night out with my girlie neighbours - dh babysitting - let my hair down and had a load of wine and chocolate Wink
We have come to a sort of agreement whereby were going to tart up our house at the moment with a view to selling it - I will move in with my mum (with ds's) and he will rent a room somewhere. That will give us give space and time we need to sort out what we want while keeping the kids as 'normal' as poss. Baby steps, but it's getting there

OP posts:
tessa6 · 19/10/2013 04:27

That's great you had a nice night, abs. And you sound strong and certain which is great. I hope the plan helps you. You will bear in mind I hope that he is probably making plans to be with the OW alongside this and the separation will be a way of facilitating this. Of course you may not want him anyway so that's irrelevant to you, but do bear in mind whilst you are making a joint plan that there's a parallel conversation going on alongside for him that he's unlikely to be honest about and that's the direction it's going in.

jellyfl00d · 19/10/2013 07:20

I'm glad you had a good night out.
It's good to let your hair down and release some of that stress.
How are plans going for your dad's memorial? Are you and your mum able to put together a contingency?
Hope you get a lie in as well as the night out Wink x

Original poster
abneysporridge · 19/10/2013 10:59

Just rousing now from my hungover slumber - god I'm soooo not 18 anymore!
As it stands dh is still performing at the concert - my sisters know that 'something' has been going on but I have decided to tell them the nitty gritty after the concert has been and gone, for their sake more than anything else. They were in a band with my dad and dh for over 10 years and I feel the concert is like saying goodbye to an era of their lives, it certainly will be saying goodbye to dh as they just won't forgive him once they know. I spoke to my sister for ages yesterday and assured her that I am being well supported by my mum, me and dh are working thru our problems, and she should just concentrate on getting thru the concert - she also has a big competition coming up which would be impossible for her to get thru if she knew (she's a stand-up comedian). So I'm happy just to truck along, nothing is set is stone, dh knows that I know and is being uber helpful at the mo and sleeps on the sofa, we're slowly getting this house in order, the boys don't suspect anything is amiss, it's workable.
Tessa - I have no doubt there's parallel conversations going on with ow. In fact dh still doesn't know I have the ability to check his phone bill online - I'm not showing that card! - and I know he had a 13 minute phone call with her the other day while I took ds1 to the gp. So if he chooses to further incriminate himself, that's his folly.
But yeah, I feel like I'm in a good place at the mo - apart from my pounding head!Grin

OP posts:
onemoredayplease · 19/10/2013 11:35

just have to say well done. you are handling this brilliantly. keeping track on his phone without him knowing is an excellent plan and I guess will give a true picture of how committed and honest he is being with you. I hope all goes well and your hangover clears so that you can enjoy the weekend. again well done and sending positive thoughts to you.Smile

lalalonglegs · 19/10/2013 12:01

Abney, you sound very in control. I really admire the way you are coping with all this.

Thisisaeuphemism · 19/10/2013 12:57

Abbey, you sound like a new woman - albeit with hangover. I'm glad you are focussing on a positive future and with your mum and sisters behind you, it sounds great!

DH is such a twat. (I can't not say it)

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 19/10/2013 13:25

Will that be ok, living with your mum i mean? It seems a bit unfair to me that he gets his own place and you have to move in with relatives (but then i could never live with my relatives!)

Original poster
abneysporridge · 19/10/2013 15:31

Yeah we've been talking for a while about joining forces with my mum - mainly because she's now in a big old house on her own and has been feeling lonely particularly at night - so selling our house and adding a granny annex or loft conversion to hers seemed like the logical thing to do. So the only change to that plan really is that only me and the boys will move in. Dh is, however, not to assume she will be picking up the slack once he goes. His assistance is still required as much as before.
As my mum gets older I would feel honoured to be able to look after her, since she has always looked after me with such unwavering devotion, as will her grandsons.

OP posts:
JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 19/10/2013 16:05

Ah that's lovely Smile

cjel · 19/10/2013 19:03

Abney it sounds lovely that you can go back and be cared for in your dms home - especially if you continue in this drunken behaviour!Grin

Jux · 20/10/2013 12:36

Abney, you're wonderful.

DH and I sold our flat and mum sold hers so we could all get a big place and move in together. What she added to our lives was beyond description. Her relationship with dd was amazing, and it was really good having her around; her patience and wisdom were so appreciated. She died 3 years ago and we all still miss her.

If you get on with parents, there is nothing like having 3 generations in the house.

Original poster
abneysporridge · 21/10/2013 00:21

I completely agree jux - if my dad was still here I would have gladly taken care of both of them into their old age. It's the least I can do I think!
Had kind of a shitty day today - dh was being dickish and unhelpful when I was trying to streamline the mammoth load of toys we have. He's really flagellating himself lately - I guess thru guilt or trying to make me feel sorry for him - by eating really poorly, drinking waaaay too much caffeine and starting smoking again (ffs!!), and then he says he feels really unwell and I'm like ...duh! He says he can't live with himself knowing what he's done but I'm trying to avoid the emotional side of things and just get cracking with getting this house saleable so we can separate - I thought that's what he wanted too but he's being such a baby. Urgh, why why why make this harder than it already is...just pull your fucking weight! Sorry, rant over. Just venting Confused

OP posts:
tessa6 · 21/10/2013 00:28

Oh abs, it's so stupid isn't it. The one who does the damage then gets to feel the pain. It's like he wants you to comfort him through his hurting you. Insane. It's worth saying though that's it's a really good reminder why people shouldn't cheat. Of course there's the morality and compassion involved, but also, the thing that really speaks to potential cheaters, (who are by nature slightly selfish) is that it destroys YOU. It really really hurts YOU. The guilt, the loss, the anxiety, the deception. It's so so rarely worth it. And unless you're a sociopath, it leaves you deeply deeply scarred in a way you can't predict.

Jog on, though, Mr abs. You don't get to cause it then complain about it.

Original poster
abneysporridge · 21/10/2013 00:37

Thanks tessa, he is certainly hurting himself as much as everyone else. We had a good thing going here and if he could have only stayed the course and pushed through into better days we'd have been fine. But he got itchy feet. And acted on it. What a douche.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 21/10/2013 06:39

Sounds like you are doing wonderfully, abney

"He says he can't live with himself knowing what he's done" - perhaps you should shrug a bit and say "Yep, know what you mean mate, I can't live with you either."

BooHissy · 21/10/2013 07:17

Oh what a monumental prick he really is.

All that self-flagellation, the weeping/wailing, but still not contrite or destroyed enough not to call the OW.

My love, your poise and dignity are awe-inspiring.

Jaynebxl · 21/10/2013 07:33

Balloonslayer excellent response!

Jaynebxl · 21/10/2013 07:33

Balloonslayer excellent response!