Abneys aftermath - he's gone, what do I do now

[abneysporridge]

Hi all , wanted to start this new thread as a follow on to my 'suspicious behaviour' thread, as obviously his actions aren't suspicious anymore - they're confirmed. He sent me a text last night to say he was safe and crashing at a friends - maybe it's ow, who knows. He was cross that I'd sent him packing knowing he had nowhere to go and I should consider how it is he got to this point. I just texted back that I'm sorry he was thrust out into the cold night but I've been living a cold facade for a month not knowing what to think and he should consider where he should have sought help, ie NOT in the arms of another woman. He's being such a manchild and not taking responsibility for this - he's not even calling it an affair, he calls it 'nice banter'.
Urgh. He's going to see his parents today and I told him to for god sake confide in someone - maybe not his folks but maybe his brother or another friend down there. Men just don't wanna talk do they. Maybe he knows the listener would slap him upside the head.
Meanwhile my 2 ds's have joined me in bed and playing their iPad games so I'm going to start imaging life as a single mum.

You will do that by your example. They know its not right by the fact you won't put up with it. Its really like a kick in the guts isn't it? I hope swooping dm is with you now?

So in the last year you have had a third child, you have lost you father, but every problem in the relationship is due to you not giving him enough attention? Has he ever discussed this with you? Has he shown any concern as to your well being after all the upheaval over the last year? Or is it just all about him and his wants and needs, with you all being nothing more than bit players in his life?

He sounds very selfish and whilst he is accepting no responsibility for his actions you will never move forward. Chuck him about and don't feel responsible for it. He up choose to cheat and don't keep that a secret no matter how much he tries to make you. Hold your head high, you'll be better without him dragging you down.

abneysporridge

He wants you to tell him leave, so he can everyone and anyone that you chucked him out rather then him being man enough to admit what he has done.

Talking to him doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere. If you can be bothered to give him a second chance (and I don't see why you should since his idea of making an effort to save your marriage is to whinge about how rubbish his life is), then I'd write him a letter giving him a deadline to come to a decision about whether he wants to work on your relationship and, if so, what he proposes to do to rebuild it. Explain that saying it's up to you is not good enough and you won't be held responsible for his unwillingness to commit to working through your problems.

Good luck - I echo all the others who say you are coping fantastically.

Call his bluff. If he says it's not really up to him, you can assume then it's up to you? Gutless wonder.
Tell him you want him to end it with OW, move back in, arrange counselling (not just turn up, he can ring up and organise it too) and work on your relationship.
Did he not think to mention the lack of affection? Did he try and work it out with you first? He's very weak, and wants to "blame" you for kicking him out, so I'd tell him he can do all of the above.

This guy is such a twat, sorry Abney, that's all I can think of to say.

Sorry to hear this.

I definitely wouldnt be running after him if I were you, either. Perhaps he had better find a different sofa to surf now. If this is the path he has chosen, and since he chooses to blame you for his lying and cheating, I dont think you should make it overly convenient for him.

I suggest you allow him to handle the stress and angst of sorting out somewhere to see/look after in time- the kids, and keep him out of your home from now on.

The usual advice is that if they dash off into their glistening future, you allow them to experience reality sharpish. The resulting stress tends to take the gloss off the affair, too, as its hard to be all hearts and flowers when real life gets in the way, not to mention dirty washing.

Don't take any more of his nonsense Abney, he's now trying to get you to agree to fulfilling his every want just to try and please him and keep him with you. You're worth much more than this.

If someone wants to be with you they want to be with you for the joy of your company and they will do everything to make that happen. He wants a domestic slave not a wife and partner and he probably also wants a bit on the side as well. He's a shit and you deserve way better.

I had a family bereavement when my dcs were young as well. It's unbelievably hard and it took everything I had just to keep going every day. I am sure that I wasn't a good attentive wife to my DH during that time. Actually I was a nightmare! If my DH had used that as an excuse for having an affair I'd probably be in prison right now.

Urgh, he gets worse.
Not man enough to talk to his wife about his (imaginary, affair enabling) issues.
Not man enough to tell the truth.
Not man enough to make a decision, instead puts all the responsibility on you.
Not man enough to understand he is not the centre of the universe.
Not man enough for you.

In the similar situation with my husband, after I had made him leave, he tried a similar thing with trying to make me responsible for the ultimate decision.

I told him at the time that he had 3 choices, they were not mine to make:

1. Leave our marriage and be a single man again.
2. Leave our marriage and be with the OW.
3. Choose to work on and save our relationship.

I made it clear that even if he picked number 3, I could not guarantee that I would be able to do this. I would not make any decisions regarding staying together or working things out until I felt ready, when I felt ready we could start counselling and even then I may change my mind. If he chose number 3, he would have to be 100% behind that choice and had to prove himself to me before I would contemplate counselling.

As it happened he chose number 3, went immediate no contact with OW and tried his damnedest to be 100% with regards to our sons (he's always been a good dad, but he is now an excellent dad). We carried on doing things as a family (bonfire night etc), but he lived nearby not in the family home; after about 4 months I agreed to try counselling as I felt I had healed enough to face it and we started counselling at this point. It was very hard, and we were both very honest during counselling and we got a lot from it - after the counselling I agreed to try again as a couple and let him move back in about 6 months post D-day. We are still together now (2 years on) and things have been really good between us since, but even if we had separated I think we would have moved forward amicably tbh. I think that by having the physical separation between us as a couple, but still maintaining the "family" side of things with the children, it made him realise what he was potentially throwing away (we told the kids that we were having a "time out" from each other for a while, to explain why he was not living at home anymore).

One of the biggest things was for him to take responsibility for what he had done - and this is why he had to make the decision to leave or try (and own it himself, no more absolving responsibility).

Monicalewinski - I was reading every word of that thinking 'that's just like me!' Coz dh is a good (with elements of outstanding) dad, and I so don't want that to change. The only difference is that he works with ow every day and its not like he can just leave his job because we need his salary. But I do like the idea of laying out those 3 options to see what he chooses.

I read your last thread too, abney. I hope you're feeling a bit better mentally now it's all out there - it was awful reading your posts when you were still holding it all in. It's a hard road ahead whatever happens but you will get through it all in the end, and you'll come out strong at the end of it!

It is so difficult when you are blindsided like that, especially when your husband has not been an out and out shit (apart from the glaringly obvious of having an affair). Me and my husband had always been a good team as parents and partners, but somehow got out of synch as a couple (kids) and this is when he took the lazy, selfish, self centred option to have an affair - that's what I found especially hard to reconcile myself with.

Maybe you'll work things out, maybe you won't, but hopefully you can both move forward together amicably as parents whatever happens. I'll keep lurking and reading, stay strong and keep going

You asked him to give you one thing.

Space.

And he hasn't done that.

You need time to think about what you want.

Your old relationship with him is over. Even if you stay together, it will be under a whole new set of circumstances. If you met him today, knowing what you now know, you might not even want him.

He can still be the best father he can be. You do not have to be with him for that to happen.

So tell him you don't know yet. You need more time to think about what you need, what you want, what you deserve.

In the meantime, if he goes to her then he is telling you his choice.

He might not have been an out and out shit in the past, but he is being an out and out shit now.
Having sleepovers with his lover while you're at home with the babies? And that's your fault?
I would never forgive him.

Now it's down to me to raise 3 boys into responsible non-cheating men??
Well their father hasn't been much of a role model so I am sure you could do a better job.

Must be an enormous support having your mum beside you, she would never have wanted you to struggle with this on your own.

Those 3 options from monica are a great way of setting it out in front of him.

I get that you need the money from his job but there is on way on earth you should have to put up with your husband (if you chose to stay together) still working with and having regular contact with his other woman. Only a complete bastard would expect that. He has brought this all on his self. If it means he has to move jobs, do a massive commute, take a shitty job then so be it.

If he expects you to put up with his seeing his ow regularly then he has no respect for you whatsoever.

Do you know where he has been staying?

Have you checked the phone bill to see if there is lots of contact still going on?

"sticking to his guns re my ignoring him and not being affectionate all these years."

• what have you said in reply to this? Have you asked him where your attention and affection from him was? Where the nights away as a couple arranged by him to get the spark back were? Have you asked him why he didn't say anything? What was his reply?

Abs, love, I'm so sorry it's so hard.

This is very very familiar.

And I know it's hard but here is the honest truth. This man is a coward. Do you remember what I wrote about the instinct being to keep both things? That's what's happening. And it will go on happening. He is saying to her at the moment that he needs to make sure you are strong enough mentally for him to go, and that if it's your decision and you own it it will bode best for his future relationship with his children. Then he gets to leave and not feel like the cheating arse but like a romantic who fell in love and you couldn't deal with it and he had no choice but to go. It's all about preserving his sense of self and a narrative that makes sense to him being a good guy. Inside, he is thinking to himself that sure, he really loves OW, but maybe some miracle will happen and you will have a conversation where it all becomes clear.

If a cheater does not return to the relationship immediately with a renewed sense of purpose, commitment, apology and gratitude, all coming from them, then the forecast looks very bad indeed. The likely scenario is he will continue the affair in some form, whilst ostensibly 'working' on things with you, having good times and bad times on both sides until forced to choose by either you or OW, properly. If you do that now you will save yourself years of heartache.

It will only work if he is passionate about making it work and can't believe he nearly threw it all away and immediately cuts all contact with OW. That's just how it is. If that's not how it is, you have to answer one question, will you do it now or will you do it later? The only motivator is true loss. He will either come to his sense and beg to return, or breathe a sigh of relief and leave for good. Either way you need to detach, move on, and cut contact with him.

I agree with amber. Option three, while he is acting like this, is pointless and will break your heart slowly.

Tessa I mean, doh

I think it may also be worth stopping seeing this as a man thing and starting seeing it as a human being thing.

You have said you have three boys to raise. You actually have three human beings to raise. They need to be taught to face reality, choose wisely and so on amongst other things, this is what your husband is not doing and it is not because he is a man. Huge hugs for you xxx

The best thing he could do for you is leave you alone.
He'll realise once he has the children at weekends and you have some peace to consider yourself for a change and do what you want to do, how very easy he did have it. Then, like so many other men on here, who start affairs when their wives are pregnant or have babies, he'll realise too late and probably want to come back.

I hope you show him the door. You can do so much better than this. You are worth so much more. Most men would realise you have been through two of the most stressful life events there are and stand by you and support you and not whinge like a boy that they are being ignored. Diddums, grow a pair and discuss it! Don't act like this.

It's Hell now but it will get so much better. I wish i could remember the threads on here that show you how it did improve for other posters.
Stay strong and lean on your mum and family x