Abneys aftermath - he's gone, what do I do now

[abneysporridge]

Hi all , wanted to start this new thread as a follow on to my 'suspicious behaviour' thread, as obviously his actions aren't suspicious anymore - they're confirmed. He sent me a text last night to say he was safe and crashing at a friends - maybe it's ow, who knows. He was cross that I'd sent him packing knowing he had nowhere to go and I should consider how it is he got to this point. I just texted back that I'm sorry he was thrust out into the cold night but I've been living a cold facade for a month not knowing what to think and he should consider where he should have sought help, ie NOT in the arms of another woman. He's being such a manchild and not taking responsibility for this - he's not even calling it an affair, he calls it 'nice banter'.
Urgh. He's going to see his parents today and I told him to for god sake confide in someone - maybe not his folks but maybe his brother or another friend down there. Men just don't wanna talk do they. Maybe he knows the listener would slap him upside the head.
Meanwhile my 2 ds's have joined me in bed and playing their iPad games so I'm going to start imaging life as a single mum.

[livelaughlearn]

Don't feel pressured to decide what to do. He's done something selfish, stupid n destructive and to compound that is in denial and won't man up.

The dramatists and ' life in black n white with no grey areas' folks will bay for blood n say kick him out n demonise him. It's a natural reaction if you decide to do that , especially in the initial weeks.

BUT don't do that lightly or at the influence of others. To try and rebuild and that is equally valid n courageous . tough stuff on both sides but you have children so need to think about them not just yourselves.

He is not in love with OW seems it was just sex.

If he comes clean and you get to have an honest open discussion with him he might have been unhappy or stressed about things without you realising

• perhaps money or work worries - was he sole breadwinner? was his job secure?
• or while he loves the kids he felt pushed away cos you were absorbed with them ( less time to chat, domestic focus only, both too tired to be affectionate, etc)

does't excuse him but it does explain why this could have happened

if he is decent and loves you he'll be feeling a total idiot right now

Sounds like he needs a close friend to talk to him.

Huge generalisation but I do think men find it harder to talk about problems and admit fault than women, especially if they know they've f*ed up .

[Jux]

What a brave thing for you all to do, especially your mum. How are you all holding up? I suppose rain and storms are appropriate weather, though.

Good to hear that you are detaching from h with greater ease than you expected.

[skyeskyeskye]

Just got back from Cornwall myself. That must have been a hard trip for you and you family Abney but reassuring or something too? Can't find the word I am looking for :(

[jellyfl00d]

Your doing well Abney, it's so good to have supportive family with you and and that you can all be together at this difficult time of your dad's anniversary. I hope your DH is able to put his selfishness aside at this time & be supportive & compassionate

[tumbletumble]

Onwards and upwards, Abney. Well done on getting through the anniversary of your Dad's death.

[Onefewernow]

Poor you, Abs. Just get through this week.

Take care.

[abneysporridge]

Thanks yoni - I'm in Cornwall with the fam revisiting the places my dad saw in his final days (he died on 30/10/12 - so it's really weird u posted that day!) Dh is here too mainly on childcare duty. I've confided everything in one of my sisters and we've been sneaking moments away to chat and she's been a great sounding board. I'm trying to put this mess with dh to one side tbh and just concentrate on my mum and sisters because our grief is still so strong, tho my mum seems to have turned a corner by being able to show us where he collapsed, where he was airlifted from, where they had their last meal etc. One thing this has made me realise tho is that dh and I don't have the bond that my parents did, certainly not anymore. My mum is like a lovebird that lost its mate, whereas I am preparing myself for a life without dh with surprising ease. It's sad really as I always thought we were sorted, our relationship always felt so strong, but this has just shaken everything up so much I just don't know what to think anymore.
Thanks again for your concern peeps - it's really helped me sort thru this messy dark time x

[YoniMatopoeia]

I was thinking about you over the last few days Abney. Wondering how you are doing?

Hope all is as well as it can be.

[KillashandraRee]

Ugh Abney I remember that feeling from previous break ups.

How is H behaving now? Is he still at yours or is he staying away?

[skyeskyeskye]

You are doing really well Abney.

[CeliaFate]

Abney, take care of yourself. You are handling this so, so well. Don't feel you have to keep it together and be strong all the time. Give your body time to recover from the shock and stress. Be kind to yourself as well.

[abneysporridge]

Thanks killashadre - it has been a mad time, feels a bit like it happened to someone else and not me and I'm just watching a film or something. I do have an amazing mum who has helped me so so much, just hope I can pay her back by being a good roommate!

[Scarynuff]

I acted like a selfish dick, now I am a lonely prick!

[KillashandraRee]

Dear Abney,

I've started reading this thread this morning, ended up reading both threads and was late for work!

I was struck by your strength and dignity throughout this horrible ordeal - hats off to you my lovely.

Your boys will grow up to be good men with you and your mum as role models.

If you ever doubt that you're doing the right thing please believe everyone on this thread you are being amazing. Keep your chin up, keep strong and keep on posting x

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

The trouble with being a drama llama when it's a situation of his own making is that the intended audience is too busy mopping up the mess and getting on with her life to pay attention. Tough! Don't ever let him make you feel you're somehow unreasonable.

Besides, think of all the 'material' he has for his next song if only he can find a rhyme for the lyrics, "I acted like a selfish dick".

[Jux]

He's a twat. Self-pity now. Whoop-di-doo.

[Jaynebxl]

Such a good response it was worth commenting three times, clearly!

[Jaynebxl]

Balloonslayer excellent response!

[Jaynebxl]

Balloonslayer excellent response!

[Jaynebxl]

Balloonslayer excellent response!

[BooHissy]

Oh what a monumental prick he really is.

All that self-flagellation, the weeping/wailing, but still not contrite or destroyed enough not to call the OW.

My love, your poise and dignity are awe-inspiring.

[BalloonSlayer]

Sounds like you are doing wonderfully, abney

"He says he can't live with himself knowing what he's done" - perhaps you should shrug a bit and say "Yep, know what you mean mate, I can't live with you either."

[abneysporridge]

Thanks tessa, he is certainly hurting himself as much as everyone else. We had a good thing going here and if he could have only stayed the course and pushed through into better days we'd have been fine. But he got itchy feet. And acted on it. What a douche.

[tessa6]

Oh abs, it's so stupid isn't it. The one who does the damage then gets to feel the pain. It's like he wants you to comfort him through his hurting you. Insane. It's worth saying though that's it's a really good reminder why people shouldn't cheat. Of course there's the morality and compassion involved, but also, the thing that really speaks to potential cheaters, (who are by nature slightly selfish) is that it destroys YOU. It really really hurts YOU. The guilt, the loss, the anxiety, the deception. It's so so rarely worth it. And unless you're a sociopath, it leaves you deeply deeply scarred in a way you can't predict.

Jog on, though, Mr abs. You don't get to cause it then complain about it.

[abneysporridge]

I completely agree jux - if my dad was still here I would have gladly taken care of both of them into their old age. It's the least I can do I think!
Had kind of a shitty day today - dh was being dickish and unhelpful when I was trying to streamline the mammoth load of toys we have. He's really flagellating himself lately - I guess thru guilt or trying to make me feel sorry for him - by eating really poorly, drinking waaaay too much caffeine and starting smoking again (ffs!!), and then he says he feels really unwell and I'm like ...duh! He says he can't live with himself knowing what he's done but I'm trying to avoid the emotional side of things and just get cracking with getting this house saleable so we can separate - I thought that's what he wanted too but he's being such a baby. Urgh, why why why make this harder than it already is...just pull your fucking weight! Sorry, rant over. Just venting