Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

[Whatnext074]

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

[rootypig]

That's ok OP. I hope that you are going to get some sleep. Please don't harm yourself. Your DS would miss his mother, so much.

[AgentZigzag]

Night

Like clarin says, ne'mind about the emails go and get some kip.

See you in the morning

[SlangKing]

Type extra to DS,,, H ain't worth the fingertip erosion.

[nameimadeupjustnow]

Leave the emails until morning. Best not to write when you are so tired, anyway. Can you get some sleep?

[SavoyCabbage]

If this only happened four weeks ago there is no way you should be feeling that you should be feeling any better. Four weeks is no time at all.

[DropYourSword]

OP please stay and chat for a little longer. I was once in a very similar position to you and I saw no way out. I didn't think things would EVER get better. It felt like no-one understood when they said things just take time. It's such a cliche but it's so bloody true. You've but been on the ADs for very long at all. They will only JUSTbe to take effect. You've only just found out very recently about this OW. Why not make a more sensible, logical plan. Such as, if I still feel like this in 6 to 8 months only then will I start to consider what else I'm going to do. Give yourself a chance to heal. He might not want you anymore, but that doesn't mean you are unwantable or unloveable, just that he's not right for you any more.

[whydidthishappen]

OP please dont do anything to harm yourself. You said that your husband had promised to always protect you. He lied.
Did you ever tell your DS that you'd always protect him and love him? Keep that promise.

Take your time love, just breathe.

[Mosman]

Hopefully you're asleep ... 4 weeks is no time at all, this takes a long time to process, you take all the time you need

[Wellwobbly]

Whatnext you WILL get through this. You will, lots of us are living proof that you can survive the horrible pain.

Do not touch the hot stove! (ie contact him). You are right, he doesn't care. And you will eventually find, looking back, that he probably always had an empathy chip missing, that in fact you have always been quite ignored and did all the running.

This is all a process. Just take one day at a time (oh, and that is quite a good idea too. Find Al anon groups in your area and instead of being on your own in the evening, go to as many groups as you can. They help you learn that you cannot control him and to focus on yourself).

As for OW, remember: she fell for what you fell for. That whole ardent sparkly thing he did on you? He did it on her. She thinks it is real, just as you did.

Feel sorry for her.

[JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth]

Leverette what an awesome post. I agree completely. op I know it hurts but the pain youre feeling is temporary, it won't last forever. I'm 8 years on from my ex affair, the pain was unbearable. Now I'm happy and glad he's someone else's problem. you will be ok I promise.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Hope the world looks a little better this morning OP. Rejection is a terrible and painful feeling, especially when it appears to be sudden, but your worth is really not this man's to decide. You are valued highly by your DS, your family, your friends, your employer and even a bunch of strangers on the internet. Your life may have changed in important ways but you are essentially the same person with the same qualities and failings as before. How dare he try to crush that person? That's the thought you have to cling to and take every opportunity to swap self-pity and self-reproach for indignant fury.

So hope the world looks a little better this morning OP. Every day is a day nearer feeling better.

[Mosman]

I know this is hard to believe right now but in time the OW will become completely irrelevant, my ex fucked a couple of right old dogs - I don't know which is worse but then in my mind I decided it was her academic success I was to be jealous of - hasn't got her anywhere though has it lol
No other human being is worth putting another through pain for and she'll learn that the hard way, by which time you'll be healed and happy :-)

[Jaynebxl]

Op I really hope you got some rest and are feeling a bit stronger.

[SPBisResisting]

How are you doing OP? Hope things seem a little brighter this morning.
Does it matter what either of them look like on the surface? She may be pretty in her best holiday photo but she is ugly inside. They both are.

[TortillasAndChocolate]

Hope you're ok this morning OP. First thing in the morning and late at night are the very worst times.

I promise this will get better. When my ex left me and I found out he'd been having an affair, I honestly thought I would never smile or laugh or even want to exist again. I'm 20 months on now and am a million miles away from that.

It takes time, but I promise you will get there - just take a day at a time. We are all rooting for you and here to listen to you. You're worth so so much more than he is - and eventually you'll think that too.

Just keep talking if you need to

[PainInTheBum]

OP where abouts in the country are you? What you need at the moment is rest and RL support and I think you're getting neither adequately.

Your ex DH is acting like an utter cunt and his perfect OW is far from fucking perfect. She couldn't even get her own man, all she could get was a weak cheat who sounds like he is having a breakdown. You will get through this hurt and are far better than either of them.

Ignore FB mine gives the impression I'm slim and well travelled too. But the only holiday I've had in the last three years was in bloody Reading and I've a dreadful muffin top and double chin. Even if she was picture perfect you can't compare ypur insides to others outsides. You sound lovely and deserve so much more.

[takeitonthegin]

Leverette your post is brilliant. Totally agree. It will get better and easier OP. Focus on your DS. Positive thoughts for you.

[whyme32]

Please check back in OP and let us know you're okay. You WILL move on from this.

[MushroomSoup]

Good morning whatnext
Just want to let you know I'm thinking of you.

[KateSMumsnet]

Thank you to everyone who brought this thread to our attention.

We're sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time Whatnext074, and we'd like to echo everyone on this thread and suggest that you seek help in real life, in addition to support on MN. Our relationships and mental health webguides might be a useful start

[redundantandbitter]

whatnext your night sounded heartbreaking and exhausting. I hope you put the emails to one side and slept. When my Exp left me the first time (!) I wanted to harm myself. Spent the day planning how and where but I realised I had a 2.5 yr old that needed looking after and I had nowhere to take her to be safe. God I' m glad I didn't do anthing fatal. My Dc's are my world as I am sure is your lovely son. Focus on him, focus on good DB and keep talking. I have even told random dog walkers I barely know, in the park. Not a single person thinks its your fault. Everyone will say you are a good person, it's his loss and he will have to live with his guilt. You are still the beautiful woman you always were .this grief blanket is weighing you down but it will get lighter. Please eat and take care of yourself today. Check back in here

[SavoyCabbage]

Good morning whatnext.