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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

1000 replies

Whatnext074 · 12/10/2013 23:52

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

OP posts:

Report

cupcake78 · 13/10/2013 01:54

You have so much to grieve for. It's no wonder you hurt so much.

You did not cause any of this to happen! Bad things happen to very good people. It's going to hurt. It's going to feel like you can't do it anymore. There is a future for you that will include happiness.

For now let the feelings come , get them out and then sleep. You sound exhausted.

rootypig · 13/10/2013 01:54

And seconding the posters who are saying FB is bollocks. Looking at my life on FB right now you'd think I'm happy as a clam. Well I'm the most miserable cow in the western hemisphere.

This link made me laugh www.theonion.com/articles/facebook-version-of-marriage-going-great,34004/

rootypig · 13/10/2013 01:55

Hmm second attempt at the link

SavoyCabbage · 13/10/2013 01:55

Well, it's not all about what he wants or what you think he might want.

Whatnext074 · 13/10/2013 01:56

She's everything he wants. He doesn't want me, I'm worthless, he didn't call me back, he doesn't care. I trusted him, I love him. We had a close marriage until she came along and he is to blame as well I know but he doesn't care about me. I can't cope. I'm going backwards, I have tried everything.

OP posts:

LilyAmaryllis · 13/10/2013 01:57

Whatnext you have a tonne of grief there with all those lost little ones. It is absolutely no wonder you are so sad. Forget about the OW, forget about him, I mean try not to think about them. This is your H who has done wrong. But you can hold your head up high. How old is your DS?

rootypig · 13/10/2013 01:57

You are not worthless. You have been hurt by someone you loved and trusted - that makes him a shit, not you worthless.

You will not feel this way forever.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 13/10/2013 01:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatnext074 · 13/10/2013 02:00

My DS is 20, I'm 39. I want to hate my H but I can't, we were close. I'm broken. pain is too much.

OP posts:

Zhx3 · 13/10/2013 02:00

How old is your ds, op? Can you tell us a bit about him?

Can you speak to anyone in rl tomorrow?

cupcake78 · 13/10/2013 02:01

Your not going backwards because if you were you wouldn't feel anything! Every second you feel utterly terrible is one more second towards a happy future life. Its a long road but you can and will get there. Simply because you have to do this!

clarinsgirl · 13/10/2013 02:03

Forget Facebook. She will not be as stunning, cultured, or as well read as she seems. Facebook is not fact, what is fact is that she is with a married man. Yes, she sounds lovely.

Don't let his infidelity make you doubt yourself. Its late and everything is so much worse at night. You are stronger than you think. Keep talking x

Zhx3 · 13/10/2013 02:04

Sorry, x-post. Where is your ds now? Does he still live at home? Or does he live close?

You're young, and have opportunities ahead of you. Your h is a cheat, ow will always be aware of that.

LilyAmaryllis · 13/10/2013 02:04

Wow, 20! That is a mega-achievement, you have brought a young man up through all those stages of childhood. Do tell us more about him.

AgentZigzag · 13/10/2013 02:05

Don't leave your lad on his own Whatnext, he won't understand and could be left wondering why you didn't want to be with him and that it was his fault somehow.

Keep the letter where it is for now, as an option you're choosing not to use at the minute.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, how long ago did this happen?

Have you ever seen the GP/related in the past about feeling you can't go on or anxiety?

brokenhearted55 · 13/10/2013 02:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatnext074 · 13/10/2013 02:13

I'm on ADs and beta blockers for anxiety. I found out my H was having an affair 4 weeks ago. He was nasty and cruel to me overnight for 2 months, he changed from a loving man to a horrible man overnight. He promised me, he said I'd always be safe. I went through a violent robbery when I was pregnant by 5 men. My flatmate was raped in front of her 3 year old son. My H said he'd always protect me, we'd grow old together. My life has been shit, I can't take anymore, am so tired. I've tried everything. My son works away but is home at weekends, he's out at the moment. I love him but I can't cope. I love my H, he lied to me, he doesn't care. I don't care anymore, nobody will forgive me.

OP posts:

BrianTheMole · 13/10/2013 02:20

You're going through the grieving process mate, and yes it hurts. There are different stages to it, they don't always go in order, but you need to ride through this. You do have a future, a good one, you just can't see this right now. Please just take one step at a time, one day at a time. The pain will ease, I promise you. You have to do this, you owe it to your ds, and you owe it to yourself. You are worth a lot more than you think you are at the moment. Baby steps, ok?

rootypig · 13/10/2013 02:21

Oh OP. That does sound like so so much to happen to one person. But you are not no good and you can cope. Just hang in there for tonight, and then for tomorrow, and then the next day.

LilyAmaryllis · 13/10/2013 02:21

You have done nothing wrong. Please stay safe and get through this night.

brokenhearted55 · 13/10/2013 02:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clarinsgirl · 13/10/2013 02:27

Terrible things have happened to you but they were not your fault and you are not worthless. Your H has badly let you down, that makes him no good, not you. As other posters have said, you need to find the strength to get through tonight and then take it step by step.

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Whatnext074 · 13/10/2013 02:29

All those things are out of my control but he said he can't take the drama that goes with me. Bad things happen to me, I can't wait around for the next thing. I'm sorry, I'm weak, I'm sorry.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 13/10/2013 02:30

It's very early days at only four weeks pet.

I would say that even though it's late/early, that it would be entirely appropriate to ring someone given that you feel so bad.

Any family you're closer to than others, a friend, your local GP service will be linked to where you can get help, NHS Direct, try to give someone a chance to help you feel better.

I know you probably don't want to feel better or feel you deserve it, but you honestly do. You're worth much more than you're giving yourself credit for, as I'm sure your lad would testify to.

Even though he's a big strapping 20 YO he still needs his mum, and his children will want to know you too.

clarinsgirl · 13/10/2013 02:31

Lovely words Brokenhearted and so true.

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