Can she really be that happy?

[neiljames77]

I am married with 2 kids. I work in a factory and a woman in the office has been flirting and suggestive with me. She has a husband and young family and appears to be really happy with her set up. She wants us to go out for a drink but I've just laughed it off and told her to behave herself. I'm asking on this site because the forum I usually go on is 99% male and you can take a guess at what their responses have been. I am asking what to do on here because I believe I'll get more sensible answers. What can I do to let her know that I'm not interested without offending her and why is she behaving like this if she seems so happy?

So many people say that they drifted into an ea or they didn't realise it was happening until it was too late, blah, blah, blah.

But the reality is right here. You do know, because you are keeping it secret.

how the fuck do people climb into bed and sleep beside someone they keep secrets from each night? confused

This guy and his DW were watching a romantic film together but he got quite distracted because half the time he found himself fantasising about having sex with the gorgeous sexy girl in the film.
Later that night they had sex but unfortunately, in the darkness, he couldn't help imagining that instead of his DW it was the girl in the film he was kissing passionately and shagging like crazy.
Being totally respectful to his DW and never wishing to keep secrets from her or ever be dishonest to her in any way, he told her all about his fantasies afterwards.
He was upset and hurt when she wasn't amused. Now he is confused about exactly how honest he should be with his DW even though he loves her dearly.

?

Sorry, are you confusing fantasy with real life?

I don't understand why this is a problem, unless she is harassing you in which case you need to speak to hr.

This is the kind of thread that I think someone trying to prove a point about the advice women get beng different to that given to a man might start.

It seems a non issue. Are there really men out there who care more about what their knuckle dragging friends might think that just doing the normal decent thing of saying 'really, I am not interested in going for a drink with you'?

Christ.

The shocking fantasies you have can be about the next door neighbour's wife, or about the wife's sister, or the girl in the newsagent's down the road. Just as long as you don't do anything and keep it secret, and never tell your wife, it's ok, is it

Yes, Sharpclaws, fantasies are ok to keep to yourself. Can you honestly not see the difference between that and real life?

Tell her to eff off and call her a dirty old cow, she should get the message.

seriously i may be very, very naive but how the fuck do people climb into bed and sleep beside someone they keep secrets from each night?

My darling GM, married nearly 60 years, says you can have too much honesty in a relationship. I haven't got her experience but agree. Partly because the minutiae of another person's emotional life is exhausting. Partly because it is impossible to understand another person's perspective, and people aren't logical - but our emotional needs are often simple. Do you love me, yes or no. So, better to paint in broad brush strokes. Partly because everyone needs a private life, their internal world. How much of that you are willing to allow a partner is partly a question of compatibility. What do you consider a secret?how emotionally engaged do you want to be, how much of the time? And it is partly a question of trust.

In this context, I think if the OP genuinely has no intention of having a flirtation with this woman - and he maintains he hasn't so far - then he's entitled to keep it to himself. I have been cracked onto a few times and not shared it with DH. If anything, I think he would think I was trying to make him jealous. Or worry him. It's just very difficult to share such a thing without making it a problem. The fact is, people who intend to be faithful are perfectly capable of achieving it without getting on their knees in front of their OH - it's just not a problem.

Fairenuff - Just remember that a 'fantasy' is often simply a secret wish that you want to do something if it were possible, therefore if you keep them to yourself you are keeping secrets from your partner and so there's a lack of complete openness and honesty in your relationship. No getting away from it.

It's still a fantasy, Sharpclaws. Still ok.

Everyone has fantasies, they do not involve anyone else and hurt no-one.

Acting on those fantasies would be different. That would be reality and that does involve others and can hurt others.

There is a difference.

True, Fairenuff, but these so-called 'fantasies' do have reality and substance in that they are real desires often involving 'real' people, as opposed to film stars, for example, and they can sometimes be quite strong and lasting desires that one dare not ever mention.
So this means that complete honesty with one's partner is simply not possible. It never was because it is completely unrealistic and an unattainable ideal. We dare not be totally honest.

Sharpclaws why do you put the word 'fantasy' in inverted commas?

Why call it so-called

There are still fantasies. They do not have reality or substance. Just because you daydream about your real life neighbour, does not make the thought real or give the fantasy substance.

You are allowed to think what you like. And it is not a betrayal.

Fantasies and reality are polar opposites. You cannot mix them. Fantasies involving real people are no different to those involving film starts.

It's interesting that you struggle to see the difference. There is a popular debate that violent video games are bad for children because they cannot tell the difference between fantasy and reality.

And here is proof, that an adult finds the concept ambiguous, so no wonder it's harder for children.

I thought op didn't find this woman attractive, and isn't fantasising about her, so I fail to see any justification for the obvious derail

i think it was in response to me being baffled to people who lie and conceal relationships and major events from one another feeling comfy snoozing side by side in bed afterwards.

the 'derailer' confused fancying angelina jolie with dabbling in a dodgy relationship with a woman at work who has come onto you repeatedly and could cost you your livelihood and endanger your kids security.

who knew ?

'Fantasy' is just a word used to make something you'd love to do sound innocent and ok, such as wanting to kiss the next door neighbour. Needless to say these so-called fantasies can become reality in a couple of seconds. If your partner only knew what you would like to do he/she wouldn't be too pleased...
This comment is no more derailing than those who were preaching about the need for complete honesty in a relationship. That is quite impossible. Some things you are thinking about you can share, others you can't possibly. What's going on in your mind is real enough.

You are typing the words, I can see the words, I can see no relevance here.

< shrug >

Doh!

OP, and anyone advocating keeping secrets of this type in a partnership, might want to read this thread

I have now told my wife. To be honest, she wasn't that bad about it. She asked if I'd encouraged her or joined in with any banter. She just told me to keep my distance from her which also involves the xmas party. She said if she is behaving like this when she's sober and in work, she'll be a lot worse after a few drinks. She doesn't want me to go on it and I can see where she's coming from, so I won't.

Hallelujah !

I think you should trust your wife more, mate. And if you don't expect a reasonable reaction, then you have more problems then just what you have said on this thread.

I do trust her. I just didn't see the point in potentially pissing her off about a bit of one-sided flirting that has now been dealt with.

Do you accept that you should have just told her before asking strangers what to do ? Bearing in mind she has been absolutely fine about it (and you had visions of her kicking off, IIRC)

How far are you supposed to take this honesty? If a man and woman go for a drink and when he's at the bar, the barmaid flirts a bit with him, should he tell his mrs as soon as he gets back to the table? If the roles are reversed, does the woman tell her husband that the barman is flirting with her? To me, it just seems like shit-stirring over nothing.