Can she really be that happy?

[neiljames77]

I am married with 2 kids. I work in a factory and a woman in the office has been flirting and suggestive with me. She has a husband and young family and appears to be really happy with her set up. She wants us to go out for a drink but I've just laughed it off and told her to behave herself. I'm asking on this site because the forum I usually go on is 99% male and you can take a guess at what their responses have been. I am asking what to do on here because I believe I'll get more sensible answers. What can I do to let her know that I'm not interested without offending her and why is she behaving like this if she seems so happy?

it's inappropriate for you to have female friends you dare not tell your wife about though. inappropriate to have female friends who've already made passes at you and are now confiding their marriage problems in having moved on from outright flirting to emotional entanglement and gaining your compassion.

surely you see that?

if it's not inappropriate at all surely you'll tell your wife all about it?

Have this lady round to your house for dinner with you and your wife. Let her talk out her marital problems in a safe space, with two understaning and compassionate people. One can never have enough friends, eh.

Not on the agenda ? Fancy that...

I think this would be an entirely different matter if it were a male colleague coming on to you. How you would behave under those circumstances?

Imagine the scenario:

Can he really be that happy?
(103 Posts)

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 16:08:17

I am married with 2 kids. I work in a factory and a man in the office has been flirting and suggestive with me. He has a wife and young family and appears to be really happy with his set up. He wants us to go out for a drink but I've just laughed it off and told him to behave himself. I'm asking on this site because the forum I usually go on is 99% male and you can take a guess at what their responses have been. I am asking what to do on here because I believe I'll get more sensible answers. What can I do to let him know that I'm not interested without offending him and why is he behaving like this if he seems so happy?

I don't expect you would have any trouble telling him 'Leave me alone'.

Unless, of course, you were more concerned for him than for yourself:

neiljames77 Sun 06-Oct-13 17:15:43

Yes. I don't want to hurt his feelings or insult him and I want to keep the atmosphere friendly. It's hard to explain but if I started telling him I'll report him or that he's making a fool of himself, it could make things awkward at work. I don't even want to say to him, "I thought you were happily married", because his home life is none of my business.

And now:

I haven't made any sexual remarks back in response

Just comments about my backside etc or sneaking up behind me and whispering stuff. Nothing physical. No groping or anything like that

I told him that it seemed out of character for him to behave like that because he talks about his wife and kids quite a lot. It turns out that his wife treats him like crap and if it wasn't for work, he wouldn't even get out of the house. He is a really nice person which is why l didn't want to be too arsey about it with him. He apologised and said he would like to still be friends with me

Can you see from this example that if you were not attracted to her, you would not be behaving like this. As I said, if it were a man you would not put up with it. You would tell him to back off.

It would not be appropriate to be friends with this woman. You are already keeping this a secret from your wife.

First off, when did I say she'd touched me? Second, I've already said that my wife would probably cause a scene at work and make it look like something had happened. Third, I don't have any low self-esteem issues. Fourth point, to the bloke who gave it to me from a man's point of view by telling her to"fuck off", you must be popular. I'LL just assume you're trying to ingratiate yourself to the handful of people on here who've decided I'm guilty.

Oh, I see there's now even a suggestion that I'm homophobic. Don't know where that one came from. Incidentally, I'd behave no differently.

NJ, with all the will in the world, you seem a little naive.

she's made it clear that she's interested in you, you've attempted to tackle it, she's started talking about her dreadful marriage and wants to be friends with you...your wife would be upset by this 'friendship,' so you wont mention it to your wife - before you know it, you're both pissed at the xmas party, someone see's something they misconstrue, you're the talk of the office and it gets back to your wife.

you havent been 100% clear with her from what I can see, because you're the 'nice' guy who wants to lend a friendly ear about her marital difficulties and she fancies you. You cannot be friends with someone who fancies you, because she will always fancy you and an emotionally intimate friendship where you talk about marital difficulties can lead to an emotional affair. She might view you as a challenge.

talk to your wife, please. rather that she kicks up now at this level than after the xmas party. I'd present it as 'x at work has been confiding in me about marital difficulties, i find this uncomfortable. what should i do?'

why on earth would you want to keep this secret from your wife?

yes, homophobic and naive. sorry - I think a lot of us are trying to help, it's just that the choice on language on an internet forum can be haphazard sometimes. you've had some very good advice here, especially talking about your wife/family and being very firm with not meeting outside of work. you dont have to hurt her feelings to underline your commitment to your wife.

I think you are underestimating how incredibly rude you are being about your wife tbh.
The fact that you can't say 'this woman at work is being a bit odd. It's not a problem but obviously I am telling you so I don't have conversations with her which exclude you' implies that she is a bit hysterical.

My husband would talk to me because that is what people who trust and respect each other do.

By not telling your wife you are lying by omission and creating a connection with this Oman which deliberately excludes your wife.

If dh told me about a woman being a bit flirty I would be [shrug]
If I found out he hadn't told me about a woman being flirty I would be fucking furious because it mean a) he is a liar b) he doesn't respect me at all and c) he is getting some frisson of excitement from the drama.

(Or he was planning to shag her and then claim she drew him in..)

Obviously not an Oman. That would be more complicated still.

The point is Neil, that sympathy can sucker you in as easily as initial attraction. You get complacent with "we are just friends, I'm helping her through a hard time, she needs someone to listen" and that's a friendship that's not very sturdy, especially when she's made it clear she fancies you.

Be friendly, but not "friends" because that is another way of her getting your time and attention for her ego boost. When she starts looking to you for reassurance, you will gallantly provide it - it's only human and you think of yourself as a good guy, and you probably are too - but you may end up doing something you regret. Even giving that time and attention can cost if it takes away from your own family. If you haven't heard of an "emotional affair", have a quick look at the definitions. She's not proved very respectful of your boundaries and family so far, if this develops into a closer friendship you can expect that to continue.

That's why posters are so sceptical. I've been reading these threads for a while now and in a significant portion of cases the cheating husband says "I'm helping her through a hard time, poor thing" and the OW (other woman for newbies) gradually takes over time and attention from the spouse for herself. So you would be right to stay as backed off and disinterested as you can be while remaining polite and friendly. Maybe practise saying something like "sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I hope it all works out for you" and moving away if she tries to corner you and begin a conversation.

Best of luck.

Was just going to say what Pagwatch said. The way you depict your wife makes me personally very uncomfortable.

Have you read The Cheater's Script OP? I'm not saying you are cheating, but if you're in a peer pressure environment that encourages infidelity... Well one of the first 'signs' is justifying the behaviour by explaining how hysterical/irrational your wife is.

Kinda like you're doing now.

Also, it's usually a huge exaggeration.

Neil, Don't think that people who cheat are all nasty bastards. Some people who cheat are very nice simple folk who just get suckered in.

You are in danger of being the second kind.

She's been flirty with you like crazy. You are fretting if she can really be happy. Now you're having little sad chats about her rotten husband in the car-park. Now you're secret friends. Seriously, where do you think this is going?

The thing that would concern me most about this situations the lack of trust you have in your DW.

Decide to withhold information from her is a form of control. Especially as enough of your colleagues have noticed for them to be mentioning it. Withholding will definitely not improve trust between you.

It's no biggie to say 'no thanks' when asked for a drink by anyone you don't want to drink with, nor to tell colleagues who tease 'why not?' with 'don't want to'. But it does seem to matter a great deal more to you than this.

As I said before,its all sorted now and the only conversation I've had with this woman since our talk has been a smile and a hello, nothing more. I never said any of this was a huge problem or was giving me sleepless nights or anything,I just wanted the words to tell this woman I wasn't interested without causing upset or offence.
I followed the advice given by the reasonable, non-judgemental posters on here and it worked. Thankyou.
She said she wouldn't make anymore remarks and apologised. That's good enough for me.

OP i actually get why you might not tell your wife.

If it were me being hit on at work by a bloke i would NOT tell my DH because he is the type to turn up and punch him. (the male equivalent of what your wife would do?)

Before anyone throws their hands up in horror there is a BUT coming ... the thing is - i would have nipped any flirting from the guy at work in the bud at the start - and therefore it is a non-situation as there would be nothing to tell.

I'm glad to hear you've had a word with this woman. But i agree that you are being a little naive about the it's all over now and she wants to be 'friends' thing.

Perhaps really try to imagine your wife at work ... Some bloke has been flirting in the same way with her. Whispering. Sneaking up behind her. Asking her out after work. Repeatedly. She asks him to stop. He says 'aw, but i'm so unhappy at home (puppy eyes) ... lets be friends though'.

Would you feel happy at that? They'll just be jolly mates then? Maybe.

Personally i would be happy if my spouse told the person they were not interested in her physically, thank you, and don't feel it's appropriate to hear any more about their marriage.

X posts OP.

I really hope this is the end of it for you. I think you do have the best of intentions at heart here.

I think you're being verbally attacked for no reason.

There is no reason whatsoever to suspect that the OP is going to go and cheat on his wife. Some woman do get very defensive with other women. Understandably so if she is trying it on with her partner. However, now the OP knows that she's not happy in her marriage he could introduce her to his wife. He wouldn't need to mention the stuff at work, only that the woman is lonely and upset. Perhaps they could become friends?

It's not easy if you are unhappy. It's doesn't excuse her behaviour though, as if she's not happy she should leave even with children.

I hope she keeps to being appropriate now OP. If she starts to act inappropriately again just say that you are sorry that she's not having a good time in her marriage but that you are happy in yours and you do wish to be friends, but only that.

I hope in time your wife can mellow out a bit and you can be more honest wth her in turn.

Verbally attacked ?

Glad to hear it's been nipped in the bud.

FWIW H's affair started as sympathy for a poor woman in a dreadful marriage who had such a sad past.

Just be aware of the dynamic you have set up. On one side you have this poor damsel who needs support. On the other you have the hysterical possessive wife who would make a horrible fuss. Be careful. Even if she never touches or flirts with you again, the idea is already there in your head.

Tell your wife. Let her know it made you uncomfortable and you have tackled it and there is no need for her to get upset but you are telling her because you don't want any secrets. Break down the wall between her on one side and you and the damsel on the other.

Not everyone, Any.

Maybe verbally attacked was the wrong word.

People making assumptions on nothing is probably a better sentence to use.

Sorry to hear that a similar situation is how your H's affair started, Ormirian.

my wife would probably cause a scene at work and make it look like something had happened

Something has happened. Something that you are keeping from your wife. That is why posters are warning you off.

So having already stated that the woman has apologised and said she wouldn't make any more remarks and we can both move on and forget about it, you still believe that I'm being sneaky, underhand and untrustworthy?
Someone's flirted with me and I've declined tactfully and with respect.

So, you are not going to be friends with her after all?

If that is the end of it, neil, then fair enough.

I am sorry though, just about everyone else on this thread (based on your own words ...) are far from convinced of that. There is a fair chance your stubborn denial will come back to bite you, and you cannot then say you were not warned.

is far from convinced