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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pease help I have left him

109 replies

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 01:19

My husband is a nasty drunk I have had lots of threads over the years.
Tonight he was horrible and hung one of my dogs up by a choke collar to force me to do something. I left.

I am with the children we are safe. My son is 12 and is devastated. He did not see the row as was staying elsewhere.

I am not going back to that marriage ever. I have been abused by a drunk for years and had enough. Am I strong enough?

Please tell me I am doing the right thing as my son is so very upset. I know I need to do this as he is horrible to the dc too sometimes.

What do I tell the dc ? Do I tell them about the abuse to explain why we are leaving ? I don't know what to do please help.

OP posts:

EBearhug · 06/10/2013 01:25

Yes, you are strong enough. Try and get some sleep now - that may seem impossible, but at least rest in a room with no or little light, and get some physical rest, even if you don't actually sleep.

Original poster

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 01:30

But my son is in the room and keeps crying and asking when will he see daddy. It is breaking my heart. My dd will be devastated she is a daddies girl .
Will he have a chance of custody ? I called the police a couple of times a few years ago will it still be on record ?
Can I insist he does not drink when he has the children ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 01:46

What do I say to my daughter in the morning ? How do I tell her ?

OP posts:

BuzzardBirdBloodBath · 06/10/2013 01:51

Supervised access would be best if you are worried about his drinking. You have done the right thing Op, if he can do that to a dog he could do it to one of you. You do not need to give all the details to your dcs, that is grown up stuff, I am sure they know enough to know you couldn't stay. Do you have any support? Are you in touch with women's aid?

icepole · 06/10/2013 01:56

You have done the right thing for you and your children. You are brave :

Original poster

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 01:58

I am lucky I have somewhere to go. We can move into a relatives empty house next week and stay as long as we like. It is small but will be fine.
I am so frightened I will be the bad guy. He is a Disney dad sometimes and a nasty dad sometimes but they worship him not knowing I have kept the family going and not knowing how abusive he is to me.
This is going to fuck my children up but if we stay they will be fucked up even more.

OP posts:

Custardo · 06/10/2013 02:00

yes they will. you have done the right thing xxx

Original poster

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 02:02

I am not brave I am terrified. I can't stop crying. I feel so stupid and ashamed this has happened to me. My poor children I am so sad for them.

OP posts:

icepole · 06/10/2013 02:02

Take it a day at ac a time.

Original poster

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 02:05

I am not going back. I have fled in the night too many times. My dd's earliest memory is going in the front of the car with no seatbelt. We were fleeing him in the night. She does not know that it absolutely breaks my heart.

OP posts:

icepole · 06/10/2013 02:08

Not stupid at all. And you are away from him. This is the main thing.

Lavenderhoney · 06/10/2013 03:05

Thats horiffic. Don't go back. Ever. You owe it to your children not to. They don't understand. As they get bigger he will soon be picking on them. They have probably heard the shouting and know, but they are children... And can't be expected to understand or make decisions for the best for themselves.

You have done brilliantly by leaving. Now stay away, as he won't change, and you know it. If he says he will, then say " in 6 months, if you have stopped drinking, joined AA" etc. then no contact unless dc related.

Tell all your family and friends, school, get the support you and your dc need. I also think women's aid, to help you and could you report his violence with the dog to the police? Because I would get everything I could on record.

My df was a drunken bully and my dm always went back. She shouldn't have. Its change you are scared of, and the dc, so tell them they can still see their dad, but won't be living together any more. Many people live apart now, there s no stigma. and your family have let you have a place to go- concentrate in making that a happy home.

Vivacia · 06/10/2013 05:46

Just wanted to add my reassurance that you've absolutely done the right thing. You've made difficult decisions to protect your children and get them to safety. Being brave doesn't mean you aren't scared, being brave means you are scared and do it anyway.

rootypig · 06/10/2013 05:59

OP I hope that you have had some sleep. You have done the right thing, you are strong and brave and now you've left you've done the very hardest part.

I haven't seen your previous threads but if your husband has been violent and threatening (as it sounds that he has), you can contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence: www.ncdv.org.uk/

For free they will give you the legal support you need for a temporary order against your DH eg an occupation order for you to be in the family home, if he is violent and threatening and you have nowhere else to go. A non molestation order if he comes after you. They can make these things happen very quickly.

Of course I hope that you don't need any of that - but just in case. Contact them to see what help they can give you, anyway, they are lovely.

You are doing the right thing for your DC, though they don't know it yet. My family is suffering the after effects of a drunken abusive bully decades on, years after he has died. You are giving your DC the chance of an emotionally healthy life.

Original poster

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 06:49

Thank you for the posts it really helps.

I slept a little bit. I can't believe it but I feel some relief. I told my family last night that he has virtually financially ruined us too and I have been working full time whilst trying to hold the family together financially. I will be ok when the house is sold.

I am terrified of the next few weeks. Of the moving and all the changes. How on earth do I tell my dd and cope with them missing their dad ? He has no money and nowhere to go. Can I force him out of the house ? The dc need their school things.

OP posts:

rootypig · 06/10/2013 07:08

If there has been a recent (10 days) threat or use of violence, you can absolutely get him out of the house:
www.ncdv.org.uk/are-you-suffering-domestic-abuse/how-the-law-can-protect-you/

These legal instruments are designed for use in an emergency, so if you want to go down this route, you must do it now. Ring NCDV for a chat, they will be able to tell you your options.

Original poster

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 07:16

He has not threatened violence toward me just hung the dog up by a choke collar to force me to show him some messages from my friend on my phone . I don't want to be with someone who thinks that is acceptable behaviour.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/10/2013 07:19

Violence towards pets is also treated seriously

Do what you have to do to get him out of your house

rootypig · 06/10/2013 07:25

OP that sounds like threatening behaviour to me, though I am no expert. The court also looks for a history of abuse. You say you have fled from him in the past, in the middle of the night?

Chubfuddler · 06/10/2013 07:30

BTW I very much doubt your children do adore him. If they are also on the receiving end of his nastiness and have seen his abuse of you they are probably displaying exaggerated loving behaviour towards him out of survival instinct. They're not faking it , it's pure instinct.

If his relationship with them is damaged it's his own fault.

Original poster

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 07:42

My daughter asked why I was not at home and I told her daddy was shouting at me and she said she gets scared when he shouts at her .

He has no money and nowhere to go. He has hidden his financial problems from everyone. I can't deal with it any more I just can't.

OP posts:

Lavenderhoney · 06/10/2013 07:43

Don't worry about him and what he is doing. He isn't worrying about you and the dc whilst he is strangling your dog. There is no " just" about it. You are doing the right thing. The wrong thing would be going back, don't discuss with your dc, they are too young to have this info and bear the burden of your decision to leave. Talk to your family. They sound supportive?

Go the the police station and report him, because the inference from what is is capable of to your pet, is what he is threatening you with, ( badly put) it needs to be on record.
At the police station, you can ask the someone goes with you to get your and your dc stuff. Do not take the dc. Could a member of your family go, with a list?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2013 08:04

You're doing all the right things OP. Well done having the courage to call time and get yourself and your family away from this man. Well done telling others what's been going on because they will keep you strong now if you waver. And well done telling your DD (and DS) the truth because, if you try to hide important things from them at this stage, they really won't understand why you all had to leave. I would echo the advice to report the incident with the dog to the police. When it comes to caring for the children, if you have evidence that he is violent, this will work in your favour. Good luck

Original poster

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 08:11

My daughter is not crying and devastated. She is saying she wants her daddy. This is going to be a nightmare she will want to live with him.
He won't move out until the house is sold and said he did not strangle the dog just pretended to so that is ok. He can't see that is not normal behaviour.

I will be able to move with the children to the relatives house in a week and I am thinking of going home until then. We will have to live under the same roof for a week. The children need some stability and I don't want to camp at my parents with the dogs. I have some health problems this is all a nightmare.

OP posts:

oldgrandmama · 06/10/2013 08:15

You dear, wonderful girl, you are INCREDIBLY brave. You have done the best thing ever for your children and yourself. Yes, the kids will be upset, especially your daughter, if she's 'daddy's girl' but surely even she has witnessed his base and disgusting behaviour. Please, do all the things suggested above: speak to the Police, your family, a solicitor, anyone who can support and help you. You say the man has no money, nowhere to go, well, tough, because you have certainly put up with far more than most people would. The cruel abuse of the dog just shows what he's capable of. It could be one of your children next time.

Today is the begining of the rest of your life, and it'll be a good life. Probably hard to begin with, sorting everything out and of course you're feeling awful, and thinking 'what if ...?' but every day will be better. Please use all the help, encouragement, advice offered. And stay here with us.

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