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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Pease help I have left him

109 replies

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 01:19

My husband is a nasty drunk I have had lots of threads over the years.
Tonight he was horrible and hung one of my dogs up by a choke collar to force me to do something. I left.

I am with the children we are safe. My son is 12 and is devastated. He did not see the row as was staying elsewhere.

I am not going back to that marriage ever. I have been abused by a drunk for years and had enough. Am I strong enough?

Please tell me I am doing the right thing as my son is so very upset. I know I need to do this as he is horrible to the dc too sometimes.

What do I tell the dc ? Do I tell them about the abuse to explain why we are leaving ? I don't know what to do please help.

OP posts:

Report

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2013 08:20

Your DD has to understand that you've made a decision and you all staying together as a family is not up for discussion. You're not in 'sell' here you're in 'tell'. How old is she?

Offred · 06/10/2013 08:23

Any of his behaviour recently may amount to a common assault which doesn't require he actually physically hurt you, just that his behaviour caused you to apprehend an immediate threat of force being used against you, so fear that he was going to use violence against you at that moment.

Anyway, I reckon part of the job of escaping domestics abuse, and it is hard, is to explain to the children that abusive behaviour is not acceptable or normal. This is tough to do without talking down about your ex, but it is important. I have focused on behaviour when explaining to my children about my ex. Sometimes I've said things like "I'm sure daddy loves you very much but sometimes adults don't know how to behave correctly towards people that they love. Sometimes they do things or say things that really hurt those people and that is never ok." In your case I would perhaps add that it isn't ok to shout like that or hurt the dog and that we need to protect ourselves from that behaviour because it makes you feel sad and scared and that is not an ok way to feel, that they will still see daddy but won't be able to live with him anymore.

Chubfuddler · 06/10/2013 08:38

Do NOT go back. Not even for a week.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 06/10/2013 08:47

Please remember that the cycle of being Disney dad/nasty bastard to children is abusive in itself. It leads children to behave in a placating manner towards the abusive parent in order to try to deflect the nasty side and keep him sweet. What looks like love or being 'daddies girl' is probably actually fear and intimidation. Their self esteem will also be bound up with his moods, when they get sweetness from him they will interpret as them being worthy of it, and when they get shit likewise. So they will want to be around him and will probably 'take his side' because they need the validation of being in his good books. It mirrors the addictive dynamic of an abusive adult relationship where the abused keeps going back for scraps of affection because their self esteem has become entrenched in their treatment by the abuser.

You need to tell the children what's happening, do not allow them to think the have the option of going to their father. And please call women's aid for some advice on how to explain this to them.

Chubfuddler · 06/10/2013 08:48

YY to what Eric said. Please listen op.

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 08:55

The children are much happier already. What a difference an hour makes . We have been planning our new house and the promise of a tv in their rooms and letting them paint the walls is very exciting for them.

You are so right ehric about the placating behaviour I have been doing it for years and I see my dc doing it and hate myself. That really helped me to see it written down thank you.

I will go home this week. This is not a sudden decision and now we have somewhere to go it all easier. I am still devastated I never imagined my life would go this way bit it could not stay as it was .

OP posts:

invicta · 06/10/2013 08:55

Don't go back! That's sending mixed messages. You'll,have to explain to them that grown up things agave been going on and you have decided its best for you to live in the new house. They will see their daddy, but will no longer be living with him. They may be more aware of what's been going on then you think.

Stay strong!

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 08:58

We had a chat about the shouting and how it is not normal for daddies to do that. I told them they will see him and we will all be happier and there will be no more shouting

OP posts:

Meerka · 06/10/2013 09:05

I would actually -tell- them about what he's done. Not in a blamey way, but simply the facts, quietly, and say that you are afraid that when daddy has had too much wine he will hurt the dogs. It will be hard for them to deal with, but it's even harder to be walking in a fog of ignorance and without clear guidance. It can be put in child's terms.

As I say, it does not need to be a blame or rage, simply a quiet explanation. But they do deserve some explanation.

And yes, go to the police to record this, please.

Don't go home. YOu are handing him a lot of power if you do, and putting yourself at some risk.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2013 09:06

In the process of convincing them, you'll be reinforcing your own decision and boosting your confidence. Win-win. :)

Meerka · 06/10/2013 09:06

doh, posted too soon - I see you have done that. But I would say that he tried to hurt the dog (because he did, didn't he? You don't choke a dog without accepting the risk. He sounds way out of control)

mammadiggingdeep · 06/10/2013 09:14

No advice here but want to tell you I admire your strength for leaving. You sound lovely and a great mum. You're doing just brilliantly. Stay strong and keep posting. Sending a virtual hug x

mammadiggingdeep · 06/10/2013 09:15

Oh, and do tell the children's schools tomorrow. They will be supportive and it's important they know what's happening xx

Lavenderhoney · 06/10/2013 09:25

Don't go back, please don't go back. He knows you are leaving and has nothing to lose. He can spend the week upsetting your dd and saying she can stay amongst other things. Don't downplay it.

Plus you are giving a message to him, the dc and yourself its ok to behave like that. If he was a reasonable man without a drink problem and a bully, I would advise don't go back.

Is there no one you can stay with? Even if he moves out for a week, he could get drunk and come round.

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 09:28

I am thinking of staying at my parents this week as I don't really want to be under the same roof. This has happened before and he is always very reasonable for a few days after. He said this morning this is all my fault as I discussed him with my friends and I should not do that .
He says he can't move our as he has no money and as he has debt problems he can't access any either.

OP posts:

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 09:29

I am scared that if I ring the schools I will cry on the phone .

OP posts:

Chubfuddler · 06/10/2013 09:41

Does that matter? They'll have heard it all before I guarantee it. Maybe send the head an ensue if you really can't face phoning. But they do need to know so they can support your daughter.

wotafarce · 06/10/2013 09:43

Do NOT go back. The most dangerous time for a woman in a DV relationship is if her partner knows she's about to leave.

Please don't expose yourself & kids to this risk.

It,s 1 week at your parents OP, just 1. You can do this, they'll help you. Stay strong and safe.

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 09:47

He is happy we are splitting as our relationship has been dead for years . He thinks he will come out of the house sale with money but we signed a deed of trust when we bought the house to say the money I put in is mine so he actually won't get anything. Thank god we signed that and to be fair he was happy to do it .

OP posts:

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 06/10/2013 09:48

Pease don't go back to that house. You can get a police escort to enter and collect belongings if you need to but you must not go back to stay. That will put you at risk of physical harm and the children at risk of emotional harm.

wotafarce · 06/10/2013 09:50

He might be saying he's happy, but don't trust him and DON'T go back.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 06/10/2013 09:50

Oh and to add to my previous post - well adjusted children don't panic if they go away from one of their parents. Your children were probably exhibiting excessive reactions because they are scared that them 'taking your side' will anger their father and put them out of his good books. They wanted to see him to gauge how much trouble they were in.

Lavenderhoney · 06/10/2013 09:51

The school will be fine. They will be glad you told them and be able to support your dc.

Don't contact him, its not up for discussion, your leaving. You've done the right thing, your dc are already happier. Going back will make them unhappy as they think you will change your mind. Haven't you had enough?

Take no notice of his complaints about money and blaming, house stuff etc . My df used to threaten to burn it down if dm wouldn't go back, pity he didnt with him in it, tbh. It was insured. She always went back. Madness.

Anyway, your parents sound lovely, take each day slowly, go and see a solicitor, talk to the police, call them the instant he starts if he turns up, once he realises you mean it, and call women aid. Just think, Christmas soon, no drunken awful h to spoil it and you pretend its ok. And you can see the friends he doesn't like, as they see straight through him and want the best for you and your dc.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 06/10/2013 09:52

Please, do not go back. As others have said, it would be very dangerous. I know you have done it before, but this time could be different if he knows it's only for the week then you are moving into the relatives house. You can manage at your parents for a week. I am glad you have the dogs with you.

Contact the police etc

If you can't ring the school, ask one of your parents to do it for you.

Do you have a male friend who could go with you to get some of your & the childrens things?

You can do this - you have to do this - for yourself & your children. No matter how much they want & miss their Dad YOU know they are better off not living with them, we have to do what is best for our children and that's not always what they want.

Fragglewump · 06/10/2013 09:57

do not go back under the same roof as this man you will be risking your lives, seriously op please keep your family safe sorry for shouting but I am very concerned!

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