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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Pease help I have left him

109 replies

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 01:19

My husband is a nasty drunk I have had lots of threads over the years.
Tonight he was horrible and hung one of my dogs up by a choke collar to force me to do something. I left.

I am with the children we are safe. My son is 12 and is devastated. He did not see the row as was staying elsewhere.

I am not going back to that marriage ever. I have been abused by a drunk for years and had enough. Am I strong enough?

Please tell me I am doing the right thing as my son is so very upset. I know I need to do this as he is horrible to the dc too sometimes.

What do I tell the dc ? Do I tell them about the abuse to explain why we are leaving ? I don't know what to do please help.

OP posts:

Report

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 10:01

Yes I am looking forward to a Christmas where I can relax and have a drink without worrying about if he is going to get too drunk or not. For 12 years I have put up with this. His abuse started when I was pregnant with my eldest. I wish I'd had the strength to leave him then bit I was young and ashamed and dependent on him. Pathetic.
The abuse has lessened over the years but I always fear it.

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Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 10:04

The financial abuse has been a constant though and caused me huge amounts of stress. I am an intelligent feisty professional woman how the hell did I let this happen to me and my children.

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mammadiggingdeep · 06/10/2013 10:07

Go to the schools and speak to the head teacher/ deputy. It doesn't matter if you cry. They are there to help you. I'm a teacher and at my school we gave helped women in your situation. It is good that they know because they will keep a special eye on your children. They will be on your side xxxx

mammadiggingdeep · 06/10/2013 10:08

Op.....you're not the only woman this has happened to. I'm a professional, educated woman and I often wonder how I got myself into an abusive relationship. Bloody got myself out though!!! That's what matters. Stay strong. It doesn't matter what's happened in the past. It matters what you do from now.

oldgrandmama · 06/10/2013 10:25

I can only repeat what others are saying: Please don't go back while he's still there. He will indeed be at his most dangerous at this time, knowing you are leaving, however much you think it's what he wants.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 06/10/2013 11:50

The trouble with going back for a week now is that he will e able to manipulate the children and it will be harder for them then when you do go. Now you've gone, stay gone.

As for how the children feel - children get security from knowing that you are in charge of the situation. A simple explanation like you have done is good. They need to know you are IN CHARGE and will make sure they are safe, they will follow your lead. So if you sound as if this is all going to be fine and you are just sorting things out so that you can all live a decent life, they will go along with that. This is why you mustn't go back for the week. Because he will rock that feeling of security and things will feel up in the air again.

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 11:57

We have talked in the phone and I am going back today. He will help is move to the new house over the weekend.
We have agreed no arguing and he will not have a drink whilst we are there. He is looking at flats to rent.
We have a buyer for the house as we were going to be moving anyway so we need to crack on and get it all completed etc . The house is half packed up anyway ready for the move.
I will need to but furniture etc and can get access to the new house on Friday

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Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 11:59

I am hoping we can be civil. Our marriage had been over for ages we both agree that. It does not excuse his behaviour though and that is why I am leaving and not buying another house with him

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Chubfuddler · 06/10/2013 12:02

If you go beck to the house with him still in it you are mad

wotafarce · 06/10/2013 12:03

Where were you planning on going once your house had sold? Was he expecting to move with you, or were you talking of splitting up?

MushroomSoup · 06/10/2013 12:09

Don't go back. There is no need to go back.

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 12:10

We were going to buy a house together . Downsizing to pay off his debt. The equity is mine .

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Offred · 06/10/2013 12:11

Seriously I think you are mad to go back, why expose your dc to the risk?

Please stay where you are, it is just 5 days which is not much for someone to put you up for, but a lot can happen in 5 days with an abusive man who has shown he can be gratuitously violent to animals as well as cruel to people.

I think if you go back it will be super hard to leave again on Friday and will mess up your dc with confusing messages.

KatieScarlett2833 · 06/10/2013 12:14

No no no no no.
This is a disaster waiting to happen and cruel to your DC to boot.

notapizzaeater · 06/10/2013 12:17

Please don't go back - he will be charm personifiedandca super Disney dad. It will break your kids hearts again

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 12:19

He has never been violent just verbally abusive and threatening always when drunk. When sober I don't feel he is a risk and he has agreed not to drink when we are there. He is working this afternoon and all week and he does not drink when he has to go to work.
Me and the dc will be moving out next weekend for sure. There is no going back.
If he has a drink I will be out the door immediately and he knows that.
Ds has just started senior school and needs stability we can't camp at my parents for a week he needs his things to do homework.
I am leaving the marriage to protect my dc I would not put them at risk

OP posts:

balia · 06/10/2013 12:21

I told them they will see him and we will all be happier and there will be no more shouting

You cannot make this promise, though, can you? This seems like a huge and unnecessary risk to take. I don't get how you can make this make sense to the DC's.

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 12:28

We need to be civil to co parent for the next at lest 10 years until the dc are adults. We have agreed to start as we mean to go on being civil.
I have somewhere to go if he is out of line and he knows that . I need to pack and sort out the sale of the house etc.

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Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 12:29

I am relieved we are no longer pretending we have a marriage and we can move on.

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Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 12:30

It is pure luck we have a house to move into so quickly so I am delighted about that. This will solve my financial problems too.

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mammadiggingdeep · 06/10/2013 12:33

He had a dog held up by a chain to make u show him text messages and you're returning???? Sorry, I know you know him better than we do etc etc but that is all I need to know. You are putting your children at risk.

Offred · 06/10/2013 12:36

Even nice non abusive people find it hard to be civil during a break up. This man is abusive. He will not be civil, you are hoping for too much although I understand and admire the sentiment I think it is a bad plan.

Offred · 06/10/2013 12:38

I think it is correct that him being nice will upset the children as will leaving all over again.

Speak to school about dc homework. 5 days will not matter.

Offred · 06/10/2013 12:39

And I think dc will struggle with homework and school during the break up no matter what.

ChelseaBun · 06/10/2013 12:55

Nastyhusband, please do not go back to the house. This is the most dangerous time for you - this is when violent men are most likely to carry out serious violence against their ex partners - when you are making plans to leave.

If you go back he will use every trick to soft soap you into reconciling and if that doesn't work, he is likely to lash out. You are so vulnerable now and you may be minimising the danger you are in.

I did the same several months ago, thought I could handle him and he attacked me in the worst way.

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