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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pease help I have left him

109 replies

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 01:19

My husband is a nasty drunk I have had lots of threads over the years.
Tonight he was horrible and hung one of my dogs up by a choke collar to force me to do something. I left.

I am with the children we are safe. My son is 12 and is devastated. He did not see the row as was staying elsewhere.

I am not going back to that marriage ever. I have been abused by a drunk for years and had enough. Am I strong enough?

Please tell me I am doing the right thing as my son is so very upset. I know I need to do this as he is horrible to the dc too sometimes.

What do I tell the dc ? Do I tell them about the abuse to explain why we are leaving ? I don't know what to do please help.

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/10/2013 16:25

Listen.

This man is a drunk. He is an alcoholic, and violent, agressive and shouty when he is drunk.

You need to be honest with your kids in an age appropriate manner. your son especially. he is on the cusp of being a teenager, shield him from the truth now and he finds out later just how goddawful it really was and he may very well lose trust in you.

Sit each child down, individually and speak to them appropriately. you are not trashing their dad, you are telling them why on earth you felt that there was no other option than to tell him to go. They are not stupid, they will know it has to be something huge for you to do this.

As you say, you have seen improvement in them already. the tears and desperate behaviour was from their fear of their dad, not sadness per se.

Support them, be there for them, make sure they know they can talk about anything with you and keep talking.

For a drunk to get himself well and sober he has to see that he has a problem and that he is losing his family etc as a result of that. Being nice and papering over the cracks, covering up for him and keeping his false persona alive for the kids won't help a single living soul.

He has to stay away if he's drinking. he has to stay sober for a determined length of time and be open to that process, for you to be able to give him ANY level of input into your day to day lives.

mammadiggingdeep · 06/10/2013 16:26

:( so sorry you're in this situation. I'm one who doesn't think you should have gone back but you sound so together and strong so hopefully you'll sense any nonsense starting and be out the foie should the need arise.
Good luck op. such a shitty situation but you're on your at to a better life now. You're on the countdown to your new property...what is it 5 sleeps??? Not long at all. Stay strong x

mammadiggingdeep · 06/10/2013 16:27

Out the foie???? Door. You can have onions with your foie?! Haha :)

Katerlina · 06/10/2013 17:56

I've read all of this thread now and thoroughly admire you for the way you have handled a dreadful situation. You know this man better than anyone posting here, and know the risks better too. Civility and practicality are the best way to move forward.

Your kids are not blind, but they are kids who love their dad and they will suffer through this, there's nothing that can change that (I speak as one whose parents split when I was six). What you have said to your children is (as far as I am concerned) as much honesty as they need for now. They know what is going to happen next, any other questions can be resolved as time goes on. And you know them too, you will know what they can handle and what needs to be said when. Perhaps when a little time has passed you and he can discuss how you will both handle questions from the kids....

Good luck my lovely, I think you can see the light at the end of what seems to have been a very long tunnel.

And change that screen name! It's not who you are anymore :-)

Original poster
Nastyhusband · 07/10/2013 06:24

Just letting you know we are fine. I really would not take a risk and put my children in a situation that I was not happy with.
He is looking at flats. Me and the children are moving out at the weekend. He has told his parents.
I will let you know how we get on.
Thanks for the support. It really really helps and without mn I probably would not have the strength to put an end to this.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 07/10/2013 06:33

Good luck. You sound so strong. Virtual hugs. X

TimidLivid · 07/10/2013 09:32

Good luck with the move, looks like everything is about to get better for you and the children

Lavenderhoney · 07/10/2013 15:15

Hope it all stays calm. Good luck with the move:)

rootypig · 09/10/2013 05:08

Well done OP and good luck with your move. I hate packing but love unpacking! everything gets better from that point on Smile. And time for a new screen name! x

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