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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Pease help I have left him

109 replies

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 01:19

My husband is a nasty drunk I have had lots of threads over the years.
Tonight he was horrible and hung one of my dogs up by a choke collar to force me to do something. I left.

I am with the children we are safe. My son is 12 and is devastated. He did not see the row as was staying elsewhere.

I am not going back to that marriage ever. I have been abused by a drunk for years and had enough. Am I strong enough?

Please tell me I am doing the right thing as my son is so very upset. I know I need to do this as he is horrible to the dc too sometimes.

What do I tell the dc ? Do I tell them about the abuse to explain why we are leaving ? I don't know what to do please help.

OP posts:

Report

rootypig · 09/10/2013 05:08

Well done OP and good luck with your move. I hate packing but love unpacking! everything gets better from that point on . And time for a new screen name! x

Lavenderhoney · 07/10/2013 15:15

Hope it all stays calm. Good luck with the move:)

TimidLivid · 07/10/2013 09:32

Good luck with the move, looks like everything is about to get better for you and the children

mammadiggingdeep · 07/10/2013 06:33

Good luck. You sound so strong. Virtual hugs. X

Nastyhusband · 07/10/2013 06:24

Just letting you know we are fine. I really would not take a risk and put my children in a situation that I was not happy with.
He is looking at flats. Me and the children are moving out at the weekend. He has told his parents.
I will let you know how we get on.
Thanks for the support. It really really helps and without mn I probably would not have the strength to put an end to this.

OP posts:

Katerlina · 06/10/2013 17:56

I've read all of this thread now and thoroughly admire you for the way you have handled a dreadful situation. You know this man better than anyone posting here, and know the risks better too. Civility and practicality are the best way to move forward.

Your kids are not blind, but they are kids who love their dad and they will suffer through this, there's nothing that can change that (I speak as one whose parents split when I was six). What you have said to your children is (as far as I am concerned) as much honesty as they need for now. They know what is going to happen next, any other questions can be resolved as time goes on. And you know them too, you will know what they can handle and what needs to be said when. Perhaps when a little time has passed you and he can discuss how you will both handle questions from the kids....

Good luck my lovely, I think you can see the light at the end of what seems to have been a very long tunnel.

And change that screen name! It's not who you are anymore :-)

mammadiggingdeep · 06/10/2013 16:27

Out the foie???? Door. You can have onions with your foie?! Haha :)

mammadiggingdeep · 06/10/2013 16:26

:( so sorry you're in this situation. I'm one who doesn't think you should have gone back but you sound so together and strong so hopefully you'll sense any nonsense starting and be out the foie should the need arise.
Good luck op. such a shitty situation but you're on your at to a better life now. You're on the countdown to your new property...what is it 5 sleeps??? Not long at all. Stay strong x

Hissy · 06/10/2013 16:25

Listen.

This man is a drunk. He is an alcoholic, and violent, agressive and shouty when he is drunk.

You need to be honest with your kids in an age appropriate manner. your son especially. he is on the cusp of being a teenager, shield him from the truth now and he finds out later just how goddawful it really was and he may very well lose trust in you.

Sit each child down, individually and speak to them appropriately. you are not trashing their dad, you are telling them why on earth you felt that there was no other option than to tell him to go. They are not stupid, they will know it has to be something huge for you to do this.

As you say, you have seen improvement in them already. the tears and desperate behaviour was from their fear of their dad, not sadness per se.

Support them, be there for them, make sure they know they can talk about anything with you and keep talking.

For a drunk to get himself well and sober he has to see that he has a problem and that he is losing his family etc as a result of that. Being nice and papering over the cracks, covering up for him and keeping his false persona alive for the kids won't help a single living soul.

He has to stay away if he's drinking. he has to stay sober for a determined length of time and be open to that process, for you to be able to give him ANY level of input into your day to day lives.

KatieScarlett2833 · 06/10/2013 16:09

Did you think it was likely he would hurt the dog to get at you?

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 16:06

That is next on my list of things to do. If I felt it was likely though I would not be here.

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 06/10/2013 15:58

Have you a grab bag with important stuff stashed away in case you need to make a sharp exit?
If you must do this please make a thorough risk assessment and put things in place in case he escalates his abuse.
I'm sure you will

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 15:55

We have the find my friends app that he has not disabled so I can see exactly where he is !
I have disabled mine and changed my pass codes so he can't access my phone / iPad etc.

OP posts:

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 15:50

Yes I will know if he is drinking, he is devoted to his job and won't miss a day even when he has been really poorly. If he has a drink in the evening we will be out of the door. He never usually drinks in the week.
He is going to tell his parents tomorrow.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/10/2013 15:34

Good luck, love. And stay away from those onions

FavoriteThings · 06/10/2013 15:33

Will you know if or when he is out drinking in the next few days? Might he say that he is at work, when really he is out drinking?

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 15:24

Onions ? Onions ?

Opinions

OP posts:

Nastyhusband · 06/10/2013 15:24

Thanks for the onions and yes I have made an informed choice. We need to co parent and I think if the children can see we are getting on and not a lot will change apart from who lives where. They know we are moving next week and we are only back at that house for a few days.
We need to secure the sale of our house and get the documents completed which needs his signatures. He is under no illusion we will stay. He does not want us to stay.
He has never ever been threatening or abusive whilst sober so I feel there is no risk whilst he is sober.

OP posts:

LovelyGarden · 06/10/2013 15:20

I think you could substitute the word flack with the word criticism and it would be true.

Offred · 06/10/2013 15:18

Sorry, reason I ask is because I think you need to minimise opportunities for potential conflicts and also Disney dadding.

Offred · 06/10/2013 15:17

She's gone back. No amount of berating can actually change that fact. She's made a choice, she had all the opinions on her beforehand to help inform her choice. I reckon we mostly all think it is the wrong choice but surely what she needs from mumsnet now is help to minimise risks/support in dealing with anything that happens from now until the weekend when she hopefully will move out.

Have you agreed how you're going to divide joint responsibilities for this week?

wotafarce · 06/10/2013 15:15

The OP has received no flack, just good advice.

KatieScarlett2833 · 06/10/2013 15:04

Also, good luck when explaining to SS if this does escalate, why after his Sociopathic behaviour with the dog, you returned home despite having other options.

TimidLivid · 06/10/2013 15:03

no its no flack she was all upset aobtu her kids missing their Dad and how they were asking after him, then to move back then leave again will be hard for them and may pull her back in. which she is saying she does not want, and maybe as she is living it, she cannot see how it may happen

Pan · 06/10/2013 14:53

Nope, no flack - just solid, informed advice about the risks and what precautions she should take for as long as she remains in a v risky situation with her children.

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