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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Son has just found out his girlfriend was born a male...and sort of still is (physically anyway)

200 replies

chchchchchangesusername · 04/10/2013 16:57

Right, I am freaking out so please be gentle. I really really thought I was very open minded and tolerant and everything but I am very shaken and tearful. And I'm not completely sure which bit is upsetting me. So bear with me this might be a bit rambling.

My son is 16, he is very much in love with this girl and although they have only been together a month they ARE very smitten. She told him yesterday that she was born a male but since she was 9 she has lived as a girl and been taking meds to...blah blah blah - I cant remember much of the details but it sounded like she knew what she was talking about anyway.

He told me last night. I wasn't much help, much nervous laughter and disbelief on my part. I really thought she was having him on - I even got quite angry and told him if it wasn't true he should dump her for fucking with his head like that.

I asked him how he felt and he said his head was all over the place and that he loved her and didn't want to be without her. So I said ok but this is a massive headfuck and at his age college and his future has to be the most important thing and he needs to keep focussed too.

I am so out of my depth here I cant breathe. I cant think straight. Ultimately I suppose it is up to him...but he does ask for my advice and I really don't know what to say.

I guess I'm worried this might fuck his head up - more than it has already I mean. Now he knows she has a penis ffs, surely that's going to confuse his head. He did cry a bit last night but wants to make it work. It would be easier to get my head around if he was. I don't expect them to last forever but how will it affect his future relationships - I'm over thinking, am I? I don't know.

He is only 16 ffs, this is just too big.

I still cant believe its true. But apparently it is.

OP posts:

Yougotbale · 04/10/2013 17:02

I don't know what to say. I suppose a positive is that she told him early. It sounds like he needs a break to figure it all out

ditavonteesed · 04/10/2013 17:05

if its too big for your (very grown up sounding) son imagine how much too big this is for the 16yo girl.

Thisisaeuphemism · 04/10/2013 17:06

Poor them. Poor you.

Your DS sounds like a loving, sensible boy. Just be there for him.

Charlottehere · 04/10/2013 17:07

Gosh .....don't know what to say. They are so young.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2013 17:09

I'd just be there for him, listen to what he has to say, and support any decision he subsequently makes. This is a game-changer, they're only dating, and he shouldn't feel under any obligation to make it work

shockers · 04/10/2013 17:10

I understand that this must come as a real shock, but she has lived as a girl for 7 years, so she is not 'fucking with his head' for kicks, presumably she loves and trusts him to tell him after such a short time. Her past could really blow up in her face as a vulnerable teenager, if she picks the wrong person to fall in love with. I think she's lucky it was your son. I hope you both manage to get your head around it.

Whatnext074 · 04/10/2013 17:11

Your son sounds absolutely lovely!

It must have been so difficult for this young girl to divulge this information and I'm sure she has come up against many people judging her in the past.

I know your concern is for your DS but sometimes, our fears come out of not knowing or understanding something. Perhaps if you do some research on it yourself to help you understand and then you might be in a better position to support your DS if he needs to talk to you.

I don't think this is a make or break situation, if they are smitten with each other, even after a month, then they will talk this through and you can be there for support if needed.

EarthMither · 04/10/2013 17:12

They're both very young OP and it's unlikely to last. Maybe they should agree to have some time apart so your DS can process what is undoubtedly a bit of a bombshell for him?

VoodooHexDoll · 04/10/2013 17:16

I think you need to slow down abit.

Its up to your son.

Its early days in the relationship. I would not expect a 16 year old to marry his first girlfriend. He cant get her pg so thats a posative. They can get marry and adoped in the future if it does work out.

She is who she said she is. She is honest and thats a good thing. I would try to be supportive and hope that i rasied by son to know its ok to be in this relationship and its also ok if he choses not to be.

I think he needs time to work out how he feels and to know you will support him whatever he choses. Its important to let him know you will except her in your family if he wants to have a relationship with her.

With the freedom of choce and the change of law and people being more open to alternative relationships young people are more able to be themselves and have a loving careing supportive relationship be they gay/bi/hetro or transgender. This is a good thing but its also a personal choice for your son to make.

AmethystMoon · 04/10/2013 17:17

He obviously trusts you and has been very open. Which suggests you have a fantastic relationship. He is asking for your support, so I think just be there for him.
Listen without feeling the need to provide answers. Maybe help him to work out what questions he has? Questions for his girlfriend and maybe more generally about the situation/condition.
Try not to scare and confuse him by looking too much to the future at this stage. There is time for that later. Take it day by day and be there for him as he sorts out his thoughts and feelings.
This poor girl has done nothing wrong and my heart goes out to her. They both sounds very mature. You should be proud of your son what ever may happen.
Just remember you don't need to solve anything or have all the answers. They will work things out themselves based on their own feelings. Good luck OP

Lovingfreedom · 04/10/2013 17:17

Leave them to it. They are 16, it's unlikely to last forever, they are both into each other. What is the problem? It's not up to you who your son goes out with or whether or not he takes a break etc. if he decides he wants out encourage him to be kind and respectful.

Offred · 04/10/2013 17:21

I know this might be hard but I really feel you should take your lead from your son. No-one is under any obligation to be in any relationship with anyone and I think he should understand that he should only be with her if he wants to be and not because he feels he owes it to her.

But that said I think whatever he decides you need to keep your own feelings out of it and away from him. This has to be his choice and it won't help him to have the burden of your feelings as well.

Perhaps it would help you to talk it through and work out what exactly is making you so upset? I always find that helps when I've had an emotional reaction that I don't really understand.

Clearly you are very upset and I think it is silly to be worrying about having thought of yourself as open minded, you can't help the reaction you've had but you need to get control over it now for his sake.

binger · 04/10/2013 17:25

It's your son's relationship so I think this is what you need to remember first and foremost. Don't judge, this girl has really put her trust in your ds by telling him this so just support them through this confusing time. Treat her as you would any other girlfriend, if she treats your son respectfully then she should be treated the same.

You will get used to the idea once the shock has worn off.

PTFO · 04/10/2013 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheFabulousIdiot · 04/10/2013 17:27

"So your ds has fallen in love with a boy pretending to be a girl....?"

so wrong on so many levels.
She is a woman/girl.

Charlottehere · 04/10/2013 17:27

Ptfo, horrible comment. That case was different. This girl is not pretending.

JohnnyUtah · 04/10/2013 17:28

She isn't pretending, this is who she is. (Assuming it us true, which it could well be ). I think it would be hard for anyone to deal with, I'm sure your son will do his best. Knowledge is power. Read up on the situation.

AmethystMoon · 04/10/2013 17:29

Nice PTFO. As sensitive as a brick! Maybe re-read the OP or of you don't understand do some research!

AmethystMoon · 04/10/2013 17:30

*if

MrTumblesKnickers · 04/10/2013 17:30

Poor girl, this must be so difficult for her. The courage it must've taken to tell your son must've been great. And as she's so young, chances are she'll have more relationships throughout her life in which she'll have to broach the subject, facing rejection and worse.

I would just support your son whilst keeping neutral. I appreciate it's hard for him but sorry, it's the girl my heart goes out to in this scenario.

MadameOvary · 04/10/2013 17:31

There's always one

Bonsoir · 04/10/2013 17:32

Of course it is terribly upsetting and I think that the transgender girl he is in love with has been fantastically deceitful to let the relationship develop without telling him.

MadameOvary · 04/10/2013 17:33

It's only been a month, Bonsoir...

SecretJewel · 04/10/2013 17:35

Hang on minute, here.

Surely you would have to be of a certain age before you can embark on the whole sex change thing?

I can't imagine anybody taking a 9 year old boy to a GP saying that he thinks he wants to be a girl. And even if they did, surely a GP would send them away to come back in a few years if they still felt the same?

usualsuspect · 04/10/2013 17:36

In the nicest possible way, I think you should leave them to it.

She is what she is, if your son is ok with it, then so should you be.

Just be there for him and support his decisions.

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