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Relationships

Son has just found out his girlfriend was born a male...and sort of still is (physically anyway)

200 replies

chchchchchangesusername · 04/10/2013 16:57

Right, I am freaking out so please be gentle. I really really thought I was very open minded and tolerant and everything but I am very shaken and tearful. And I'm not completely sure which bit is upsetting me. So bear with me this might be a bit rambling.

My son is 16, he is very much in love with this girl and although they have only been together a month they ARE very smitten. She told him yesterday that she was born a male but since she was 9 she has lived as a girl and been taking meds to...blah blah blah - I cant remember much of the details but it sounded like she knew what she was talking about anyway.

He told me last night. I wasn't much help, much nervous laughter and disbelief on my part. I really thought she was having him on - I even got quite angry and told him if it wasn't true he should dump her for fucking with his head like that.

I asked him how he felt and he said his head was all over the place and that he loved her and didn't want to be without her. So I said ok but this is a massive headfuck and at his age college and his future has to be the most important thing and he needs to keep focussed too.

I am so out of my depth here I cant breathe. I cant think straight. Ultimately I suppose it is up to him...but he does ask for my advice and I really don't know what to say.

I guess I'm worried this might fuck his head up - more than it has already I mean. Now he knows she has a penis ffs, surely that's going to confuse his head. He did cry a bit last night but wants to make it work. It would be easier to get my head around if he was. I don't expect them to last forever but how will it affect his future relationships - I'm over thinking, am I? I don't know.

He is only 16 ffs, this is just too big.

I still cant believe its true. But apparently it is.

OP posts:
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Grennie · 05/10/2013 13:04

Celia - It is well recognised in most trans communities taht most don't. I have seen figures quoted of 75-80% in NHS documents that don't. But don't have time to look for it. But a 2 second google threw this up.

"It's also important to note that most transgender people who live full-time as women do so without genital restructure."

www.gendercentre.org.au/resources/polare-archive/archived-articles/what-genital-surgery-can-and-cant-do.htm

And this site is trying to educate people about transgender issues and be supportive. There are so many myths around this subject. In fact I have seen trans people on the net playing stereotype bingo over the usual documentaries that are shown on TV about transgender people.

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GoshAnneGorilla · 05/10/2013 13:04

Grennie - these difficulties could exist in any relationship where one partner has a long term health problem. Would you still be clanging the chimes of doom then?

Also still waiting for some evidence for these various "facts" you keep asserting about trans people.

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 13:05

I am not clanging the chimes of doom. I am saying there are real issues here. Some couples do overcome them. But don't pretend they don't exist.

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marissab · 05/10/2013 13:06

Ok so there are treatment things to consider, sure. But no more than anyone else with a disibility or needing long term medical treatment. Its not a choice shes mind, its treatment she needs. So i wouldn't rate the issues than anyone else needing long term treatment really. If she was diabetic no one would bat an eye for example.

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 13:09

This NHS site gives good information about the medical treatment transgender people under 18 years of age, receive in the UK.

"Guidelines from The Endocrine Society do not recommend endocrine treatment for young children because a diagnosis of transsexualism cannot be made before a child has reached puberty. Transsexualism involves deep and long-lasting feelings of gender dysphoria that causes someone to seek to change their sex.

The Endocrine Society found that 75-80% of children who were diagnosed with gender dysphoria before they reached puberty did not have the condition after puberty. Therefore, endocrine treatment is not recommended until after puberty, when a diagnosis of gender dysphoria can be confirmed."

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Gender-dysphoria/Pages/Treatment.aspx

Although I note that the OP said this girl went abroad for treatment, which suggests the NHS guidelines may not be being followed.

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 13:09

It will have an impact on sex though.

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chicaguapa · 05/10/2013 13:12

Agreed that this is a situation where it's easy to have opinions but it's different when you're dealing with it yourself.

I'm glad you're feeling happier about things now.

I think that you should also be very proud that your 16 year old will have such a positive impact on his GF's future experiences as a transgender and whatever happens with their relationship, her first experience of telling someone will have been positive thanks to how maturely your DS and his family has dealt with it.

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marriedinwhiteisbackz · 05/10/2013 13:13

I have only read the first and the last but if it were my son I think I would be contacting the girl's parents and talking this through with them. If it turned out to be untrue the girl needs help; if it is true then I think there needs to be some open discussion for all concerned.

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Viviennemary · 05/10/2013 13:21

I don't think medications are given to a child because they want a sex change. Unless there is already some hormonal inbalance present or there is doubt at birth of a person's true sex which can happen sometimes but is very rare. And that of course is an entirely different thing.

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shockers · 05/10/2013 13:28

OP, your last post brought tears to my eyes. Whatever happens in the future, this young lady received acceptance from you and your son and that will be of enormous importance to her on her journey.

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chchchchchangesusername · 05/10/2013 13:35

Chicaguapa's post brought tears to mine!

I am going to change out of my alter now and leave this thread for a while. Its done what I needed it for and for that I am grateful. I'll leave it now for whatever debate it is turning into.

Thanks everyone :) xx

OP posts:
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ALittleStranger · 05/10/2013 13:52

greenie I think you are getting way ahead of yourself. How many 16 year olds do you know who have had kids and grown old with their first partner?!

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 13:54

Stranger - fair point! I guess the existence of a penis and sex would be an issue for some - but not everyone.

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 13:56

This site explodes some of the stereotypes.

www.impactprogram.org/multimedia/transgender-health-quiz/transgender-health-quiz-text/

"Studies suggest only about 20% of male-to-female (MTF) individuals and 3-5% of female-to-male (FTM) individuals have undergone genital reassignment."

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fatmumjane · 05/10/2013 14:04

As the mum to four boys, 19, 15, & 2x 11 I'd say to try and take a step back and realise that most 16 year olds fall in love on many occasions before they meet their life partner. I can hardly remember who I was dating at that time...

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 14:06

Maybe I was different? I nearly married my boyfriend I had at 16 years of age!

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runningmad · 05/10/2013 14:18

That sounds about right Grennie. About 1000 people, roughly 800 men to women and 200 women to men have been operated on in the UK. If that's 20%, that's 5000 all together - some will have gone abroad too, Thailand being popular - add on maybe another 1000, to make 6000. Taking an average of estimates of transgender being about 1 in 10,000 (yes hard to estimate as many take years to admit / may never seek help), that's 6000 in a UK population over 60 million. Estimating at 6000 TG in the UK, the internet has had a profound effect on how they now meet and communicate, for families, many would say the effects have been even less positive for them, the forgotten victims. Indeed it's an area where if you've never experienced it, you may feel very open minded, if you're on the receiving end of its effects personally, either as TG yourself or family members, you may have a far different view of how "open" you feel. There is without doubt some biological factors, the fact that male - to - female is far more common, the fact that first born and only sons are a big factor, but also social factors, the fact that sons with overbearing mothers are a big factor, the fact that in some societies, macho ones, TG rates are far higher male - to - female than societies where machoism and male / female roles are less important, all these mix to produce a condition which devastates lives. Until any of you have lived through it, I really don't think you can truly comment about how you would feel.

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CoteDAzur · 05/10/2013 14:39

hermione - re "seeing a penis will not turn him gay. Even if it did, so what. What an incredibly small minded attitude"

It would have been, if I said anything of the sort Hmm

For the record, I don't think you can turn someone gay (or turn a gay person hetero).

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 14:47

I think bi people can choose to be hay or Hetero. I think this is the reality for those who were gay and say they were "cured", and are now happily married.

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 14:48

Also most FtoM do not have genital surgery, because usually the outcomes are so poor. It is obviously easier medically to invert a penis, than to create one. It might be much higher for FtoM if surgery outcomes were more uniformly successful.

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CoteDAzur · 05/10/2013 14:53

I don't know any gay men who claim to be "cured" and get married. I do know two married men who left their wives to be with men, saying they can't live a lie anymore. I guess they "chose" to be hetero but it just didn't work.

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 14:58

Most people find out about transgender issues from TV programmes. Sad ly although they can give an understanding of what individuals go through, they also perpetuate many of the stereotypes.

A poster up above said that most relationships don't survive a partner transitioning. This is true. But this is in established relationships where a partner tells an unsuspecting existing partner that they want to transition. It is not surprising that many don't survive when you think about it.

For example a couple married with kids and the Husband tells his wife that he is really a woman and wants to live as one. That would mean that the wife would have to accept being in a relationship with a woman. Most MtoF do have breast implants and take hormones. So a wife who is Hetero and married as she thinks a man, suddenly would have to accept being in a relationship with a woman.

Of course some couples do survive this. But many Hetero partners decide they are not gay and so do not want to be in a relationship with someone of the same gender - no matter how much they might love them.

I do know this is nothing to do with the OP's post though!

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 14:59

Cote - The gay men being "cured" is not uncommon in USA Christian communities. I think if you are really gay you can't be cured. But I can see if you are really bi, you could learn to ignore your same sex attraction.

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CoteDAzur · 05/10/2013 19:28

I might be wrong but my reading of that situation is one of suppressed sexuality. Convinced that they will burn in hell otherwise or some such, these gay men suppress their urges in order to "please God".

The reason why there is so much sympathy for the GF of OP's son is the assumption that sexuality can't just be chosen. If not, "she" is a man who has just chosen to be a woman.

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GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 05/10/2013 19:38

I ink you should be very proud of your son's loving open-mindedness. Other than that just listen and be there for him.

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