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Original poster

Son has just found out his girlfriend was born a male...and sort of still is (physically anyway)

200 replies

chchchchchangesusername · 04/10/2013 16:57

Right, I am freaking out so please be gentle. I really really thought I was very open minded and tolerant and everything but I am very shaken and tearful. And I'm not completely sure which bit is upsetting me. So bear with me this might be a bit rambling.

My son is 16, he is very much in love with this girl and although they have only been together a month they ARE very smitten. She told him yesterday that she was born a male but since she was 9 she has lived as a girl and been taking meds to...blah blah blah - I cant remember much of the details but it sounded like she knew what she was talking about anyway.

He told me last night. I wasn't much help, much nervous laughter and disbelief on my part. I really thought she was having him on - I even got quite angry and told him if it wasn't true he should dump her for fucking with his head like that.

I asked him how he felt and he said his head was all over the place and that he loved her and didn't want to be without her. So I said ok but this is a massive headfuck and at his age college and his future has to be the most important thing and he needs to keep focussed too.

I am so out of my depth here I cant breathe. I cant think straight. Ultimately I suppose it is up to him...but he does ask for my advice and I really don't know what to say.

I guess I'm worried this might fuck his head up - more than it has already I mean. Now he knows she has a penis ffs, surely that's going to confuse his head. He did cry a bit last night but wants to make it work. It would be easier to get my head around if he was. I don't expect them to last forever but how will it affect his future relationships - I'm over thinking, am I? I don't know.

He is only 16 ffs, this is just too big.

I still cant believe its true. But apparently it is.

OP posts:
Grennie · 05/10/2013 11:25

Pink - intersex is an umbrella term for a whole range of medical and biological conditions. The public when they hear intersex think of hemaphrodites, but it is actually more varied than this. And yes, medically micro penis does count as intersex - although I appreciate that may not be how the public views it. This is why when people talk about the rate of intersex, it is so high. Hemaphroditism is rare. But some of the other conditions under this umbrella term, are not rare.

hermioneweasley · 05/10/2013 11:41

Cote - seeing a penis will not turn him gay. Even if it did, so what. What an incredibly small minded attitude.

Grennie · 05/10/2013 11:46

Yeah cause that is all this is about isn't it Hmm

CeliaFate · 05/10/2013 12:02

It's a huge shock for you and your ds, but his attitude speaks volumes for the lovely young man you've brought up.

His girlfriend must feel scared to death and wondering how you and he are coping.

Incredibly difficult to get your head round initially. Find out about her - talk to her. She will be more scared than you.

Original poster
chchchchchangesusername · 05/10/2013 12:03

It was a bit weird last night. I thought he was meeting her after college and they were coming back here together later. I got a call from her in the evening though asking where he was. She then called back and asked if she could come here and wait for him. Just before she got here he turned up looking awful, red eyed and shellshocked. Before we could really talk she turned up and they went off to his room.
He came down a lot happier and we had a bit of a chat and he said she was willing to answer any questions I had. So I said I don't want to give her the third degree or anything but I do think I need to have a chat with her yes.
She came down and we talked. OMG bless her heart, she hasn't had it easy.

I will be very brief, she knew from forever she was a girl really - she was finally diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder when she was around 7. They started her on erm...puberty suppressants? Is that right, I cant remember now - anyway basically her penis hasnt developed further than a 9 yr olds. She goes to US every year for treatment, she has operation booked for when she turns 18.

God I'm glad we were able to talk. I'm totally ok now. She is my sons girlfriend. I did say to her, and him, that she has had counselling all her life to deal with this, her family all has too so I think it would be very sensible for my son to have some counselling as well. They've both agreed that might be a wise idea.

I cant believe how much better I feel.

I am so fucking proud of my son y'know. He only turned 16 a couple of months ago. He is so much more mature than I give him credit for sometimes.

Thanks for 'talking me through it' yesterday....I really needed somewhere to get it out. And it had to be here, anonymous like - not a subject for discussion in real life cos it is no-one elses business.

OP posts:
TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy · 05/10/2013 12:07

The Intersex Society of North America on the confusion between intersex and trans* though the UK society also has information which is often clearer on what intersex is though doesn't discuss this particular issue.

I'm sure it will be a lot to process for the OP's son, especially as trans* people have very little representation, and even less good representation, for him to use as a frame of reference and not often discussed, so he's jumping in at the deep end. I don't think it needs to be a big deal, but the current systems as they are will make this far more difficult that it really needs to be.

Thankfully the OP's son is obviously a good guy, revealing ones status is incredibly dangerous, especially after only one month she was taking a big risk. The idea it needs to be put up front rises my rage - it completely ignores the concerns for safety for the young woman for the concerns of the feelings of a cisindividual (transwoman murder rates are incredibly high, and almost all are linked to others reaction to their trans* status) and places a higher priority on her genitals (and for others their previous genitals) than it does for them as a person - which is what I'm going to assume most people fall in love with.

CeliaFate · 05/10/2013 12:07

This is such a lovely outcome.

marissab · 05/10/2013 12:11

What a lovely so you have. And to the person who says shes still a man. Well no. She has never been a man. Shes a woman born with a penis. My daughter has a large birthmark. No one can help how they are formed and no one is perfect. I have a dear friend whos trans daughter also has a penis. It has been heartbreaking for her to do simple things like go to the loo. Imagine if you, as a woman, had to ise a urinal or even a cubical in the mens every time you needed the loo. Just imagine that. Imagine if you, as a woman, grew hair on your face. Every. Day. This girl is courageous. Your son is lucky to find such a brave and courageous girl. As for the sex part, you don't need the details. They'll work it out together. Its private between the two of them.

Mogz · 05/10/2013 12:15

Your son is an absolute star, you are so right to be so very proud of him. Thank you for taking the time to get to know this girl, I'm sure it was hard for you all to talk about but you've done a wonderful thing in helping someone feel accepted. They're only 16 and even if this doesn't last between them the acceptance you and your son have shown at this early stage can only be good for all of you going forward and reflect in all the relationships you have.

Morrigu · 05/10/2013 12:21

I applaud you and your son chchch . He is showing remarkable maturity for his age and you should be proud of him. He's obviously been brought up well by yourself.

Thanks also for the link TheSpork as my own son has a chromosomal variation that some believe may be on the intersex spectrum and some not. I'll be passing it onto the on-line support group who mainly concentrates on the US side.

Grennie · 05/10/2013 12:24

Am I the only one feeling uneasy about all the congratulations to OP's son Hmm

Rooners · 05/10/2013 12:25

Coming to this very late but if no one has mentioned it already, is it possible she was neither gender - sort of between, iyswim, and chose to take the femal role rather than the male?

Might this make it a bit easier to contemplate if so? I saw a documentary about a child who was born being neither gender and had to choose. It was very sensitively done and he/she was a lovely person.

Rooners · 05/10/2013 12:29

SORRY, completely crossed posts there, I had it open before I posted for a while.

Sorry and I am glad that you have made some progress.

marissab · 05/10/2013 12:32

Grenniw whats wrong with saying congrats to a boy whos grown up so sensible and sensetive. Their not saying congrats you've got a trans girlfriend like its some sort of prize.

GoshAnneGorilla · 05/10/2013 12:39

Such a shame that certain people are using what is a sensitive and tricky situation to bang the drum for their own unpleasant views on transgender people.

Do we assume a gay person is "lying" and "deceitful" if they are still in the closet? Although I would argue that it probably far more acceptable to come out as gay then as trans.

To describe trans people as "mutilated" as a previous poster has done is vile.

Likewise the "most trans people reject transition", Grennie you said this only the other day, a trans poster explained to you that this was a misconception and took the time to detail exactly why trans people may still have high suicide rates post-transition, but it still seems you think you know best.

O.P it's ok to feel shocked. Like others have said, just reiterate to your DS that it's ok to take things slowly and just like in any relationship, he shouldn't feel pressured into doing anything he doesn't want to do.

But I would also caution about keeping her secret, it isn't his to tell and there is a high rate of transphobic abuse out there.

witsalmader · 05/10/2013 12:44

To describe trans people as "mutilated" as a previous poster has done is vile.

No, it isn't vile, it's a statement of fact. A castrated man is a castrated man. It's a form of mutilation. And it does not make him a woman.

The fact that ANY HUMAN BEING feels that their identity inheres in their sexual organs is fucked beyond all measure.

Grennie · 05/10/2013 12:48

Gorilla - most trans people do not have genital surgery - that is a reality. There are all kinds of reasons for this.

Marissab - Because it seems to be glossing over the inherent difficulties. OP's son may overcome these, but it is madness to pretend they don't exist.

TheSporkforeatingkyriarchy · 05/10/2013 12:49

"statements of fact" are very rarely without bias.

People identify with their bodies, and many want their entire bodies (not just their genitals) to match how they want to look and function. People modify their bodies all the time, why is this specifically worse to any other plastic surgery?

CeliaFate · 05/10/2013 12:50

What are the inherent difficulties, Grennie?

GoshAnneGorilla · 05/10/2013 12:50

Wit - it's their body, not yours. Mind your own bigoted business.

GoshAnneGorilla · 05/10/2013 12:53

Grennie - citation please.

marissab · 05/10/2013 12:53

I am very open minded i admit, but i don't see that many difficulties on a one to one relationship level. I honestly believe you fall in love with a person not their genitals. If you mean problems with society and its opinions, well i'd say sod off to society. But then i don't care what other people think of me.

Grennie · 05/10/2013 12:54

The inherent difficulties are sex, children and going through surgery at 18. Talk to any partner who has been with someone when they are going through this genital surgery. They need a lot of support, so it is not straightforward. What happens if the surgery isn't satisfactory for example and needs to be repeated?

Also taking hormones for the rest of your life as many trans people do, carries with it recognised health risks. In fairness not so much of an issue when you are young. But as you get older, this is another issue to deal with.

This doesn't mean couples can't work things out. But you never work things out by pretending issues don't exist and everything is hunky dory.

CeliaFate · 05/10/2013 12:55

"most trans people do not have genital surgery - that is a reality." How do you know this?

Grennie · 05/10/2013 12:55

marissab - I know some people don't care about bodies. I do. I fall in love with the person. But I am not bisexual, so their body matters to me too.