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Relationships

Son has just found out his girlfriend was born a male...and sort of still is (physically anyway)

200 replies

chchchchchangesusername · 04/10/2013 16:57

Right, I am freaking out so please be gentle. I really really thought I was very open minded and tolerant and everything but I am very shaken and tearful. And I'm not completely sure which bit is upsetting me. So bear with me this might be a bit rambling.

My son is 16, he is very much in love with this girl and although they have only been together a month they ARE very smitten. She told him yesterday that she was born a male but since she was 9 she has lived as a girl and been taking meds to...blah blah blah - I cant remember much of the details but it sounded like she knew what she was talking about anyway.

He told me last night. I wasn't much help, much nervous laughter and disbelief on my part. I really thought she was having him on - I even got quite angry and told him if it wasn't true he should dump her for fucking with his head like that.

I asked him how he felt and he said his head was all over the place and that he loved her and didn't want to be without her. So I said ok but this is a massive headfuck and at his age college and his future has to be the most important thing and he needs to keep focussed too.

I am so out of my depth here I cant breathe. I cant think straight. Ultimately I suppose it is up to him...but he does ask for my advice and I really don't know what to say.

I guess I'm worried this might fuck his head up - more than it has already I mean. Now he knows she has a penis ffs, surely that's going to confuse his head. He did cry a bit last night but wants to make it work. It would be easier to get my head around if he was. I don't expect them to last forever but how will it affect his future relationships - I'm over thinking, am I? I don't know.

He is only 16 ffs, this is just too big.

I still cant believe its true. But apparently it is.

OP posts:
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BillyBanter · 04/10/2013 22:52

If your son wants to continue the relationship then I think you need to support him in this. I can completely understand your can't breathe moment, but you need to find a way to move on from there in order to be supportive. This is something most people don't encounter close up. As said, educate yourself. does the girl know that your DS has told you? You can find out as much as you can online and maybe you can talk to her too. Be accepting and admit your ignorance and let her educate you too, if she chooses. Maybe you and your son can look into it together too. Try not to let your own can't breathe moment influence your son. Most people are not transgender but some are. It is what it is. Remember that she has done nothing wrong. She has a 'condition' for want of a better word which is being addressed with medical intervention.

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sonlypuppyfat · 04/10/2013 22:56

How is it wrong to expect the girl you are going out with is actually a girl. However open minded you are anything else would be a shock.

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SignoraStronza · 04/10/2013 23:46

There are very, very few m to f transsexuals who have been fortunate enough to begin the massive step of hormone treatment at age 9 (those who do tend to appear on 'This Morning'/ pages of the waily fail.) There was a poster earlier who described her troubled teenage ts daughter too.

Assuming everything your son tells you is correct, I'd leave him to it.Wink

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Grennie · 04/10/2013 23:54

It actually isn't foirtunate to begin hormone treatment at age 9. The NHS UK site says that 75-80% of children with gender identity disorder, do not have it once they are teenagers. There is no reliable test to determine which children will still have it in their teenage years. So hormone treatment at 9 years of age, would not be ethical.

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fifi669 · 04/10/2013 23:57

I think it's actually kind of beautiful that he's fallen for the person and will dismiss the medical gender. They're young and it's early days, it will prob be a flash in the pan. However you can be proud you've raised an open minded, loving son.

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Lizzabadger · 05/10/2013 00:00

I agree with Wit. It's certainly interesting to look at rates of trans-gender people cross-culturally (high in Australia with its macho view of masculinity and low in Scandinavia iirc).

I seem to remember that around a third of people who have gender reassignment surgery subsequently want it reversed, presumably when they find out it doesn't mean all their problems are solved.

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superstarheartbreaker · 05/10/2013 01:45

Hmmm...tricky one. All I can say is I wish id never bern so serious aged 16 with my abusive ex. His gf sounds lovely and so does he but if theres one thing I learned ..no need to get all Romeo and Juliet about things at such a young age. Fair play to them both if they can make it work. However equally fair play to them if they decide its too full on at this age. ( I suspect your son may feel this especial ly.)

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something2say · 05/10/2013 09:30

I've come cross this at work.

Say you are born with make external genitalia but then have ovaries. Usually the parents decide what tend the child shall be brought up as.

But imagine if the child grew up feeling like the other gender?

Be open minded. Treat it like a physical thing the girl lives with. The wider world needs to understand that things are not always that simple.

And does she deserve love? Yes.

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 09:35

Someone born with say male genitalia and ovaries is intersex. That is a biological condition. Intersex is different from transgender. If you are transgender you are born in a clearly female or male body, but at some point, want to be the opposite from your body.

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something2say · 05/10/2013 09:49

What's the story in this case.....was the girl born intersex?

I must say I am surprised by mumsnet in this matter. Very many comments about how shocking it is and so on. It isn't, unless you aren't exposed to difference a lot.....

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CoteDAzur · 05/10/2013 09:51

All this talk of open mindedness and understanding great, but I would worry if this was my DS. At 16, he is vulnerable. This is probably among his first couple of sexual partners and she has a penis. It can be confusing and will likely influence him in ways that can't always be predicted.

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Pinkpinot · 05/10/2013 09:58

I would be surprised if she's transgender and having hormone treatments as early as 9
That's what made me think she was intersex

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Pinkpinot · 05/10/2013 09:59

Op, are you in the UK?

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 10:01

She may be on puberty blockers. This is allowed in the UK

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something2say · 05/10/2013 10:12

Cote d azur.....so what?

I would like to add that your teenagers live in the same world that the rest of us do. They are going to come across car accidents, gay people, illnesses in friends, divorces, all sorts of things really. Why make this any different?

All this teenager needs to do is work out how he feels. If she has a penis and he doesn't mind, is attracted to her still and so on.

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notapizzaeater · 05/10/2013 10:13

This girl has been so brave, your son is possibly the first person she's told out of family. How this pans out could set her blueprint for life.

Your son must be special to trust him with this.

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CoteDAzur · 05/10/2013 10:14

Are you saying that I would not have the right to worry if this were my DS?

What else, in your opinion, am I not allowed to feel? I'm curious.

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 10:23

something - This isn't coming across something. If she was a friend and said she was trans with a male body - okay. But this is his girlfriend. Totally different ball game.

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theboutiquemummy · 05/10/2013 10:30

Sounds like she was born with both genders this happens sometimes and they chose one for her but at the onset of puberty it became obvious she was female that's the only reason they'd do gender reassignment on one so young

Unless of course it's a great big wind up can you speak to her parents maybe they can shed some light

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 10:34

She is transgender. Transgender is different to intersex.

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Grennie · 05/10/2013 10:36

The OP says she was born a male. If she was born with a male body, she is not intersex. Intersex people are born with biological abnormalities to their body, although in most cases it is still clear if they are female or male.

For example, one of the most common intersex conditions is a boy born with a micro penis.

And intersex people get pretty frustrated at how the public often mix up intersex and transgender.

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SalmonellaDeGhoul · 05/10/2013 10:46

It doesn't sound like she was born with both genders.
It sounds like she was born with a male body but identifies as female so is living as a female and having some sort of medical treatment to make her more physically female but still has a penis. She may or may not decide to have genital surgery to correct this.

And it is one thing for the OPs son to be nice and accepting and he sounds like he is. But he is 16 yrs old, probably hasn't had a sexual relationship with anyone at all and it is a big thing for him to have to decide if this relationship is OK, given that he would have assumed that she had a vagina like most girls.

He shouldn't feel that he must have a sexual relationship with her just to be nice and accepting.

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EarthMither · 05/10/2013 10:56

He shouldn't feel that he must have a sexual relationship with her just to be nice and accepting.

Absolutely THIS.

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ethelb · 05/10/2013 11:10

wit and talkinpeace, you are confusing intersex people and transgender people.

A person is born intersex, often with features of both genders, or external features of one and internal (gonadal) features of the other. Or anything inbetween.

Surgery on people who are intersex was done a lot on the past and is increasingly controversial as there was nothing 'wrong' with them in the first place and surgery is quite high risk as there is so little knowledge of the anatomy of people who are intersex and everyone is different as it exists on a kind of continuum.

A transgener person is not intersex. Don't confuse the two.

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Pinkpinot · 05/10/2013 11:12

I'm not sure we can speculate about intersex/transgender until the op comes back
I'm sure there's lots if questions that they want to ask.
Grennie, from what I've read micro penis by itself does not necessarily mean intersex
And I think you can be born with a penis and have ovaries, so not necessarily noticed at birth
Medically there is a big difference, but in regards to counselling the ops son, I'm not sure there is that much different advice, except maybe to understand the girlfriends experience

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