Son has just found out his girlfriend was born a male...and sort of still is (physically anyway)

[chchchchchangesusername]

Right, I am freaking out so please be gentle. I really really thought I was very open minded and tolerant and everything but I am very shaken and tearful. And I'm not completely sure which bit is upsetting me. So bear with me this might be a bit rambling.

My son is 16, he is very much in love with this girl and although they have only been together a month they ARE very smitten. She told him yesterday that she was born a male but since she was 9 she has lived as a girl and been taking meds to...blah blah blah - I cant remember much of the details but it sounded like she knew what she was talking about anyway.

He told me last night. I wasn't much help, much nervous laughter and disbelief on my part. I really thought she was having him on - I even got quite angry and told him if it wasn't true he should dump her for fucking with his head like that.

I asked him how he felt and he said his head was all over the place and that he loved her and didn't want to be without her. So I said ok but this is a massive headfuck and at his age college and his future has to be the most important thing and he needs to keep focussed too.

I am so out of my depth here I cant breathe. I cant think straight. Ultimately I suppose it is up to him...but he does ask for my advice and I really don't know what to say.

I guess I'm worried this might fuck his head up - more than it has already I mean. Now he knows she has a penis ffs, surely that's going to confuse his head. He did cry a bit last night but wants to make it work. It would be easier to get my head around if he was. I don't expect them to last forever but how will it affect his future relationships - I'm over thinking, am I? I don't know.

He is only 16 ffs, this is just too big.

I still cant believe its true. But apparently it is.

[sisterofmercy]

Keep focusing on the pride you must feel that your son has shown himself to be worthy of this girl's trust.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

What a wonderful boy your son is to be so accepting and loving at such a young age. It shows great maturity and emotional intelligence.

She hasn't fucked with his head on purpose has she. She told him fairly soon and presumably before they got physical. Good on her, it must have been terrifying.

[cafecito]

your son sounds wonderful and I think you should be proud of him. Also please do some research on a number of genetic conditions which may cause an intersex birth - surprisingly common. It doesn't mean she's a boy just perhaps that she was born with the external appearance of a male and chromosomally she is female - etc etc - there are a huge number of conditions which medically mean gender can be a bit of a question mark. If she is female, she is female - and she surely loves and respects your son to tell him this so early on.

[Talkinpeace]

A very old and dear friend of mine is engaged to a girl who used to be a chap.
She is quite open about her past - she went to a boy's boarding school.
She's hard work but they make each other happy.
Her drink habit is more of a pita than the sex change tbh

Some people are born with the wrong external genital characteristics.
We are luck that society now lets them live as who they really are and make settled relationships once the surgery has been done at 17.

And in your case, she thinks of herself as a girl. It will literally be an afterthought to mention what she once was
I used to be blonde
I used to be a guy - except I never was in my heart ....

[ScarletLady02]

My sister is transgender and she has had a very hard time forming relationships. For this reason, she has stuck mainly to the trans community when meeting people.

It must be so hard for the both of them...16 is so young and she IS incredibly brave to be coming out to him. Maybe if your son feels he is unable to continue in a romantic relationship he can still be a person for her to turn to.

I wish you all the best, living with this condition and having people you love and care about affected can be damn hard. Most people are ignorant about it...not usually through fault of their own, but it isn't something you see every day, so little is known about it unless you encounter it.

[BettyBotter]

If you're feeling confused and shocked, you can be sure your ds is feeling a hundred times more so.

Just be there for him.

[witsalmader]

Some people are born with the wrong external genital characteristics.
We are luck that society now lets them live as who they really are

I'd reverse these statements actually. Nobody is born with the "wrong" genitals, we are all just people; and it is brutally, devastatingly unlucky that gender roles are so punishingly defined by current society that anyone can feel that their character traits are so fundamentally unsuited to their assigned gender role that they need to resort to irreversible surgery, which often fails to provide any real relief.

[Grennie]

Yes I agree wit.

[Talkinpeace]

wits
I've seen old pictures of the lass in question. She was a crap boy.
Some sort of imbalance in the womb made her external genitalia not match the rest of her chromosome expression.
The surgery merely reversed the error that was created at birth
a bit like brunettes who are blonde the whole of their adult life
or people born hairy who choose to wax
seriously : its not a big issue for her, because she was never him.

the fact that her name happens to match a sleb has made it all more fun.

[runningmad]

Witsalmader is completely right.

Gender dysphoria is extremely painful, not just for those who suffer from it who so often become completely self-absorbed, but for those close family members, many of whose lives fall apart too - which of course rarely anyone every gives any coverage too (not newsworthy is it), especially if the transgender person has spent many years lying to partners and children. Rates of sectioning for close relatives are high and suicides of transgender and partners / children too. Marriages and relationships rarely survive, pretty much accepted less than 1% survive those "coming out" and believing they are changing gender by either dressing as the opposite sex or by having surgery. Sadly true that gender reassignment surgery often fails to solve the underlying issues that sex / gender is not straightforward man / woman or gay / straight male body / female body.

Better the 16 year old has come out after a month, rather than 16 years. But pity the OP's son has already had to be put in this situation. Their is no easy solution, OP can only be there for the fallout.

[witsalmader]

Some sort of imbalance in the womb made her external genitalia not match the rest of her chromosome expression

What do you mean by this? Are you referring to an actual chromosomal condition or is this just a way of describing a male child with a face that had "female" features? This is a genuine question - I don't understand your statement. What do you mean by "chromosome expression"?

a bit like brunettes who are blonde the whole of their adult life or people born hairy who choose to wax

Err... Are you serious? Really? Being prescribed puberty blocking drugs as a child, having your breasts cut off, being castrated - this is the same as bleaching your hair or waxing your legs? In all seriousness, are you fucking joking?

seriously : its not a big issue for her

Well obviously it IS a big issue because otherwise why would they bother going though with it?

[CookieDoughKid]

At my workplace we have transgenders and we have explicit policies that these people are treated the same. They are people and I think if it was me, I'd try to focus on that. If this girl is kind, considerate, mature, open and certainly, the latter from the sounds of it, I don't think I'd have an issue with it. Much the same if I discovered my son was dating a gay man. There are far worse people your son could be dating. Count yourself lucky you have two people who love each other and are dealing with it. Be supportive and open minded. And I think they will thank you. Else you will end up being resented.

[Talkinpeace]

witsalmander
If you read the scientific press on epigenetics and chimeras its a lot less threatening : all on a sliding scale
what breasts ????
what castration ????

and she being underlying female needed minimal 'work' : male to female is blocking what little testosterone there is and turning the willie inside out (her words not mine)

who she was was an issue - how she got to who she is now is not an issue.

nothing medical was done till she reached adulthood (which is another story altogether)
and the kids they treat young now are tested and checked constantly = in a far more constructive way than ever there was before

[witsalmader]

If you read the scientific press on epigenetics and chimeras its a lot less threatening

What was "threatening"?

and she being underlying female needed minimal 'work'

Who are you talking about? OP's son's GF? Where does she say that?

the kids they treat young now are tested and checked constantly = in a far more constructive way than ever there was before

That depends very much indeed on where the child lives, doesn't it?


I'm sorry, I'm not being deliberately obtuse but I genuinely don't understand much of your post. I am very very tired though.

[ThisIsMyRealName]

First of all OP, congratulations on raising a son who sounds incredibly considerate and mature. I think most of the 16 year old I know would have competley freaked out at this information (and probably said some very nasty things )

This is bound to be a shock for all of you but I think all you can do is support your son in whatever decision he makes. It sounds like he is very much in love with this girl (and vice versa) but at the end of the day they are both 16 and have only been together a month.
At their age, Chances are the relationship will not last forever but if it does, with your suport, there is no reason why him and his gf can't live a normal, happy life with all the things you've wished for him.

[ThisIsMyRealName]

Sorry for typos. I won't blame my phone- too much

[Talkinpeace]

sorry, I know little of OPs son's GF, but I know a lot of the GF of a good friend on whom my comments are based

OP is not alone

[witsalmader]

what breasts ????
what castration ????

Um. Well. When born females have surgery to "become" male they typically have what's called "chest surgery" ie breast removal. And when a born male has surgery to "become female" they have their penis removed. What is it that you're confused about?

[Grennie]

peace - if she had a penis, she was born with a male body.

[witsalmader]

I know a lot of the GF of a good friend on whom my comments are based

Does the GF in question have chimerism? Even if so, what does that have to do with OP's son's GF?

[Mogz]

You've already had some great advice OP, but I thought I'd drop in to show you a link that you might like to share with your son. It's a web comic written by a youngster born a girl going through the changes to become externally male. It is honest and sweet, sad and funny and really helpful if you want to understand a bit more. I'm going to link to the first page here and I hope it helps.

[perfectstorm]

Honestly, I think your reaction is both human and normal. I used to think transgendered people were men "wanting" to be women and with a stereotyped idea of what that meant because I knew absolutely nothing about transgender people, or transitioning, or, well, anything much. Despite growing up in a liberal home where homophobia was on a par with racism. Then I had to study the subject as part of my degree and (as with many things) being educated on the facts was eyeopening. I now understand why LGBT includes the T part. I just didn't know enough to have a sensible opinion, because it had never been part of my life.

It must have taken huge courage for your son's gf to come out to him like that, and she is effectively putting a lot of power in his hands. Likewise I do understand how confusing and surreal it must seem to him, and he's only a kid, too.

I think research by both of you into what this means for her is a great idea. And I am so pleased you want to meet her parents. For what it's worth I think your son sounds a lovely young man, and she has chosen well. And I am so pleased you clearly want to support them both.

Young love is generally rocky, so forgive me for mentioning it, but have you talked to him about the importance, no matter what happens in future, of respecting her confidence on this subject? He may tell someone in a rash moment if they have a fight and obviously the consequences for her (and him, sadly) could be immense. It should be up to her if and when she ever tells people of her transitioning. I just think he needs to really understand that, before he decides where he wants to go next with the relationship.

I can't remember the username of the person who thinks she is "pretending to be a boy", but it's worth pointing out that this is a recognised medical condition and post-operative transsexuals have been allowed to have all their paperwork altered to reflect the new gender and to marry as members of that gender for decades now. If they were "pretending" then marriage to someone the same sex as that given on their birth certificate would not have been legal, and conversely marriage to someone in their new gender would have been, because they wouldn't have been seen as the altered gender. Gay marriage was not lawful, but marrying in the new gender, post transitioning, was. It's a recognised medical condition and not a whim. You might as well say a gay person is "pretending" to desire someone of their own sex.

[AngryByrd]

look, if this was my son ...

I wouldn't really be upset, I would be sooo very happy that he'd met someone who was in-tuned with what they really wanted.; and I would teach him not to mind too much about her genitals...but when it gets to sex and if he knows he's not interested in penises then..well maybe it's a game changer.

is this girlfriend planning on becoming full female? if so, then i would tell my son to give her time.

[witsalmader]

I think research by both of you into what this means for her is a great idea.

You've been given this advice a lot on this thread, and I think you should take it.

But make sure you research the issue THOROUGHLY, and look at material from as many different sources as you can. Look at it from the point of view of pre-transitioned people and look at what they say (and do) post-transition. Look at the rate of occurrence of transgenderism in different societies and why rates might vary. Look at outcomes. Look at procedures. Look at vetting processes for drug treatment. Think about primary school children being diagnosed as transgender, and what that means.

"Educate yourself" is usually a veiled insult. In this instance, it's excellent advice.

[witsalmader]

is this girlfriend planning on becoming full female?

Absolutely amazing that "castrated male" = "full female." This is genuinely amazing to me. Women are not mutilated men. We are actually a different thing.