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Relationships

Son has just found out his girlfriend was born a male...and sort of still is (physically anyway)

200 replies

chchchchchangesusername · 04/10/2013 16:57

Right, I am freaking out so please be gentle. I really really thought I was very open minded and tolerant and everything but I am very shaken and tearful. And I'm not completely sure which bit is upsetting me. So bear with me this might be a bit rambling.

My son is 16, he is very much in love with this girl and although they have only been together a month they ARE very smitten. She told him yesterday that she was born a male but since she was 9 she has lived as a girl and been taking meds to...blah blah blah - I cant remember much of the details but it sounded like she knew what she was talking about anyway.

He told me last night. I wasn't much help, much nervous laughter and disbelief on my part. I really thought she was having him on - I even got quite angry and told him if it wasn't true he should dump her for fucking with his head like that.

I asked him how he felt and he said his head was all over the place and that he loved her and didn't want to be without her. So I said ok but this is a massive headfuck and at his age college and his future has to be the most important thing and he needs to keep focussed too.

I am so out of my depth here I cant breathe. I cant think straight. Ultimately I suppose it is up to him...but he does ask for my advice and I really don't know what to say.

I guess I'm worried this might fuck his head up - more than it has already I mean. Now he knows she has a penis ffs, surely that's going to confuse his head. He did cry a bit last night but wants to make it work. It would be easier to get my head around if he was. I don't expect them to last forever but how will it affect his future relationships - I'm over thinking, am I? I don't know.

He is only 16 ffs, this is just too big.

I still cant believe its true. But apparently it is.

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MrsMinkBernardLundy · 04/10/2013 18:19

I think the main thing is for both you and him to find out more.
I do not really see how this Will necessarily ruin his future. why should it? If anything it Will just teach him that it is who you are (personality) that matters not what you are.

Would you have had a major issue if he had embarked on a relationship with a boy?

And I do think a month is a reasonable time frame to reveal this kind of info. long enough to judge how he might react (quite well it seems) but not so long that he feels he has wasted years if it is a deal breaker.

It is probably less traumatic than for example when this happens within married couples and one decides to change gender the same gender as their spouse when this had not been on the cards when the marriage took place. and even then people often cope.

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Grennie · 04/10/2013 18:21

It is not transphobia, confidence, to acknowledge the OP's son will be shocked, and may not want to continue the relationship.

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onefewernow · 04/10/2013 18:27

It is a huge issue for a lad with presumably his first real girlfriend . The girl is not the OPs concern, as someone said.

I think it would surprise many of us, were it our child involved, and that therefore some of the posts here are quite judgey, and worse than useless.

FWIW, my older daughter is gay, or at least bi. She is 26. I have NO issue with this at all, but it doesn't make me a right wing closed minded twat to worry that she will suffer from prejudice.( mind you, at least she is unlikely to suffer from the worst of domestic sexism).

Having teenagers and older children forces all of us to examine our politics closely, and it's easy to judge when you have younger kids only.

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BitOutOfPractice · 04/10/2013 18:28

I know you're shocked but I do think you need to calm the fuck down a bit. All this shaking, can't breathe stuff is not helping. Certainly can't be helping your son. So calm down. Nobody died.

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cuppachai · 04/10/2013 18:30

I think I would say that you make sure that they don't rush into a physical relationship until he is quite sure about things / got his head around it properly. It could be quite confusing for him otherwise. He sounds so lovely and mature about it all though.

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RiaOverTheRainbow · 04/10/2013 18:30

The girl is clearly not out at school, of course she wouldn't tell her boyfriend until she was sure she could trust him. A month is not long, even for 16 year olds.

OP you should be very proud you've brought up a son open-minded and decent enough to be trusted with something like this.

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headlesslambrini · 04/10/2013 18:31

sorry - haven't had time to read all the replies but my advice would be to stress to him the importance of keeping the information secret. It isn't his secret to tell, it's hers. If he confides in someone else, then this could lead to all sorts of things.

He has to make the decision as to whether or not he still wants to be with her, if he does then I would suggest to the girl that you and your son sit down with her family, if she agrees then she will be telling the truth, if not then this would sound fishy to me. You need to know how to support your son but also the girl.

tough one as a mum though.

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Thisisaeuphemism · 04/10/2013 18:32

Yes, to those saying airily its note a problem, I should imagine that for the boy and girl involved it is, and yes, as a parent, you know that relationships are tough enough without complications like this.

Most straight 16 yr old boys are interested in vaginas, he must feel v weird poor lad. (And her too, poor thing)

Still op, all you can do is stay out of it really.

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usualsuspect · 04/10/2013 18:32

My children are all grown up, I would support my Son in whatever decision he made.

So not all of us have younger children.

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chchchchchangesusername · 04/10/2013 18:32

I haven't disappeared btw, am still reading. Most of you are saying the same as I would if I was outside this - its a lot more painful though when it is your own child hurting and confused and I don't think it is easy for people to appreciate that.

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Grennie · 04/10/2013 18:34

Yes of course it is painful. This is an issue you would never have expected your son to have to deal with.

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usualsuspect · 04/10/2013 18:35

Yes, he probably is hurt and confused.

Does he want to continue his relationship with her?

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Thisisaeuphemism · 04/10/2013 18:36

Op you must be a lovely mum that your son would confide in you.

Keep that great relationship you have and make sure he keeps up with his school work and plans for the future.

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Dededum · 04/10/2013 18:37

I know a 12 year old boy who has gender dysphoria - she spent her time at primary/junior school playing with girls etc.. She has gone to secondary school as a girl, uses disabled toilets etc for changing. She is a very confident child, has had counselling etc..

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witsalmader · 04/10/2013 18:38

It is not transphobia, confidence, to acknowledge the OP's son will be shocked, and may not want to continue the relationship.

I agree.

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FannyFifer · 04/10/2013 18:41

Is this an actual real life girlfriend or someone he met online maybe winding him up?

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JohFlow · 04/10/2013 18:42

As a parent; I would want to be as informed about LGBT issues (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered) issues as possible. It is a very interesting area. Some children (and their parents) know very early on that they are born into the wrong body and psychologists can confirm this. It hits these special children to the core of their identity and therefore is a little more complex that people initially think.

She has had the courage to tell your son early - this is no mean fete. Your son probably needs time to understand his gf better and decide what he wants to do next.

Navajoonline.org.uk is an organisation that offers information that is trans friendly for either his gf or you as friends. All the people that provide this advice have had to sit regular exams to ensure that all their info is up-to-date, non-discriminatory and supportive to all those supporting trans. young people. It may also act a something that your son and his gf can do together - to understand their situation together.

Open communication is essential with these things.

I don't think it should affect any future relationships. It would be up to him whether he tells his later gfs about it.

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chchchchchangesusername · 04/10/2013 18:53

Its a real girlfriend, I've met her a few times briefly.

And as for the 'I cant breathe' comment - I want you to understand I'm not throwing myself around as a tragic wreck, but when I think about it (and I haven't had much chance to as he told me very late last night and I have been at work all day) now I am feeling a little overwhelmed and pressured to get it all straight in my head before she comes round this evening. So yes a little panicky cant breathe feeling. They will be here soon and I don't even know if she knows I know. Or silly stuff like that.

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MrsMinkBernardLundy · 04/10/2013 18:55

It is up to your son if hd wants to keep this as a gf bf r/s. but perhaps whatever has happened they Will both gain a lot from their friendship.

I think it Will all become clearer and easier to deal with once the should and surprise has worn off. Brew

(I also think it shows a lovely, mature, respectful side to your son and his gf that at that age they had not already embarked on a physical r/s)

His gf must know a lot about this and can probably point you to some sources of information.

Good luck to your son with his school etc. lots of emotional things do happen to teens (not to down play this) so hopefully this will not affect him too much in medium term other than as I said to give him an open broad minded approach to life.

But yy to keeping it quiet, as attitudes bbeing what they can be to gender and sexuality any fall out from this Will not only affect her but him too. and that he could probably do without at least until he is confident in any decision he makes.

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chchchchchangesusername · 04/10/2013 19:01

Thank you all for your posts btw I am paying attention.
Someone mentioned earlier about us parents getting together and that is something I was hoping will happen.
The fact that she has told him this means their relationship is one they think is serious, and that is reason enough to meet parents anyway - even without the extra stuff.

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Longtallsally · 04/10/2013 19:17

chchch - just wanted to send you best wishes for seeing this young lady tonight and her parents soon too. It is clearly a huge step into the unknown for you and your son, but he and his gf sound like very level headed people, who will work out what they want in their own time. It's a lot for him to take on, but life does deal out the unexpected to us sometimes and the fact that he has an open and trusting relationship with you (and the advice of MN to build on) means that he should be able to navigate this sensitively. He doesn't know what to think or feel yet. He will need a time to process the information, to do some background research of his own, and to talk things through quite a bit, I should think.

Best of luck to you all.

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ITCouldBeWorse · 04/10/2013 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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Chibbs · 04/10/2013 19:34

i think the only thing you can do is support him and take your lead from him.

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Grennie · 04/10/2013 19:38

I agree that your son should respect this confidence. But if they were to carry on the relationship, this will be an issue. Keeping such a big thing secret from everyone would be stressful. After all, she will have had counselling, but he will need to be able to talk about this too, say to close friends.

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chchchchchangesusername · 04/10/2013 19:38

Thank you for the kind words on here. I think if I'm honest all I wanted/need is a bit of a 'there there, he will be fine don't worry' kind of hug of words!

It is what it is and that's it really isn't it!

I gave up smoking and drinking for 'stoptober'...timing sucks a bit!

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