Don't want kids but wife does - is divorce the only solution?

[justthisguy31]

I'm a bloke, aged 31, married to a clever, beautiful, successful woman who loves me, but I'm starting to think we should get a divorce. She seems firmly set on having a baby, and the idea of parenthood scares me stupid. I know how much hard work it is, as the oldest of a big family, and I still have so many other things to do in my life that will be hard or impossible with a child.

We have had the argument, several times, and then talked about it for real, and finally agreed a compromise. If she still wants a baby when I turn 38 (she is 6 months younger btw), we'll do our best to have one. That gives me time to build a better career and save some money, and both of us some years together as a couple, to have fun before we have to live just for someone else.

Are we just kicking the can down the road though?

I wasted time in my 20s on bad ideas and dead end jobs, and it took me until last year to find a career that would fly. Now I'm doing something I really enjoy, that pays well (for entry level) and has great prospects, but I'm still on the bottom rung. My wife, on the other hand, already finished her PhD three years ago and started a very promising, but very intense academic career. Which is to say that if we had a baby now, the only option that would make financial sense is for me to chuck in my job and be a stay-at-home dad. Not exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I'm also biased by my own parents' financial problems. My mum gave up work when I was born, and while my dad has had a pretty good career overall, when I was 10 he hit a rough patch and got into debt. It took the rest of my childhood for them to get back on a stable footing, and they still don't have the comfortable lifestyle they did when I was young. I remember endless fights, totally futile because there's no way to argue bills or petrol prices down, and I can't shake the fear that we'd end up in the same sort of hole. Even worse, as the lower earner (and likely primary child-carer) I'd be in my mum's position. Trapped.

Then from my wife's point of view, 38 or 39 is old for a first child. If it turns out she can't have a normal pregnancy and a healthy kid at that age, it will be my fault for insisting on the wait. Maybe a pregnancy will work out fine, or maybe she'll change her mind about wanting a kid, but if it doesn't happen there won't be any way back. I don't want to risk trapping her.

So I'm starting to think I have to let her go now, while she still has time to find a guy who wants children ASAP. Still not sure though if it would be self-sacrifice, or just selfish. I am sure she'd miss me, and I'd miss her.

I've typed this up more to organise my thoughts than to start an argument, but if you see flaws in my thinking please say so. Tis a forum after all :-)

What would you do if you had a contraception failure and she told you she was pregnant now?

You both need to agree if you want to stay together whether there are children or not. If you do then I'd suggest a compromise of trying for a baby when your wife turns 35. You'll be further ahead in career, she'll be sure she wants a child. Money or lack of is no reason to delay having a child by the way and no one has to give up work. Depending on where you live, but if you both earn over 35k ish in London you'll be fine with child care.

@TheFabulousIdiot
Yes, I would be prepared to pay for IVF if that's what it takes. By 38 I will be able to. I'm not trying to get out of this by wasting time, I actually need it to build up my income.

I think you're asking her to wait in the hopes that she'll change her mind, that is highly unlikely especially if she feels ready for children now. If that is the case you are being incredibly unfair, the desire to have children is very strong and can't be reasoned or compromised out of a person.

Everyone is different but my advice to her would be to let you go tbh, she can find someone else who wants a family with her (which can be a wonderful thing incidentally not the hard slog of responsibility and feeling trapped that you seem to think it is) however if she stays with you she runs the risk of having no children or having a child with a man who isn't fully committed as a father.

My advice to you is whether you stay of go get some therapy.

@QuintessentialShadows
I use condoms, and she's on the pill. If an accident happened anyway, I honestly believe it would ruin both our lives but I'd not run away from her.

If you are prepared to pay for IVF that may not work in eight years time, why on earth are you reluctant to have children based on income related reasons now when the IVF is almost certainly going to cost a lot of money in the future?

'Yes, I would be prepared to pay for IVF if that's what it takes.'

PMSL! It is not just paying for it! It wrecks havoc with a person's hormones and it is doesn't have great success rates even in the best of circumstances.

I think you are too young for her, tbh. YOU want to wait, and that's fine, as SGB said, it's fine not to ever want children, but trying to get her to wait till she's 38 is not on, tbh.

@mumtosome61
Because in 7 or 8 years, it will be money I actually have to spare. Right now my entire income wouldn't be enough to live on with a baby. If we have one now, I'd be my wife's dependent, and based on my own family experiences, I don't want to be stuck like that.

I think you're being honest in how you feel. I understand where you are coming from with your own experiences.

I wouldn't give her any false hope though that you can TTC when she is 38. If you are clear that you're not going to change your mind then it's not fair to give her that hope.

I knew my H didn't want children when we married but years down the line we changed our minds - me first then him. The desire to have a child of our own was overwhelming. However, I lost our 2 little ones on separate occasions when I was 38 (not saying this will happen to you but the odds of a healthy pregnancy are reduced). The overwhelming need to have a child together was to nurture a child that was part of us. If my H had remained his stance and said he didn't want children, I would have learnt to accept that as it was him I loved. He is now with another woman - enough about me.....

Stay honest with her, couples counselling is a good idea. Try everything you can if you love each other before even considering divorce. Keep the communication open, that's what is important.

I think you just need to accept you don't want children and she does. Don't make her wait, and I think you've already made your mind up anyway so this is all academic. You don't sound overly bothered at the concept of losing the relationship and rather more concerned about your blossoming career.

It sounds oddly familiar - I am too a daughter of a father who viewed his children with apathy rather than adoration due to his "career" - it has led me into some very dark places emotionally.

'I honestly believe it would ruin both our lives but I'd not run away from her.'

Seriously? You are not teenagers. I think this is one of those situations in which it really isn't her, it's you.

@expatinscotland
I know IVF is hard. That's why I came round to thinking like this. I don't have the right to deny her a choice.

Well, no, you don't and that's why you need to be very honest and accept that she may well need to go from your life.

Yes, you are kicking the can down the road.

You are scared shitless of being a father and you're projecting your own childhood's problem on your potential child.

Both entirely understandable, but quite... ?cowardly ?immature ?I am not quite sure what it is I mean.

And 'should you cut her loose?' Are you for real??
You can leave her, or she can leave you, but you cannot cut her loose - she does have so say in this, doesn't she?!

FWIW, being a parent IS scary and exhausting and can be as expensive as you want to make it, but it is also exciting, no, the most exciting this I ever did: far, far more exciting than travel and parachuting and scubadiving and disposible income and fast cars or whatever floats your boat.

Get a grip.
You and your DW need to have a Very Serious Conversation about this.
You are right in saying that is you defer it until she is in her late 30s and trying for a baby does not work (look at IVF statistics before you think money is going to fix that hurdle ) then she would be right in blaming you for the delay. And I suspect that would be the end of you as as couple anyway.
Having said that, I had DS1 aged 37 and DS4 just before my 44th birthday - it's not impossible, but a lottery (that I have been v v lucky to 'win'). And I wish I was a 10 year younger parent tbh.

Honestly, get a grip.
If your DW has a good job she likely has reasonable mat leave arrangements too. Of course she could go back to work thereafter and you could build your career if that is what the 2 of you wish to do. Or you cut back a bit. Or a lot. Or you do try the SAHP lark - who knows, you might like it.

I think you are overthinking this. Because you are scared of being a father which IS scary, but believe you me, we are all just making it up as we go along. I have never been broody in my life, I don't have a maternal bone in my body, yet my boys as the single most fantastic achievement of my life (not my professional job/academic achievements/money I make).

You sound like you need to do a bit of growing up tbh and look at the Bigger Picture here.

Hi, I'm not saying you should have to change your mind, but some women do have an early onset of menopause and after this her chances would be quite slim. I'm saying this as somebody who fell pg on an early onset.
You can't deprive her of children but at the same time you shouldn't be pressurised.
You say you are scared, what of?
Both me and dh weren't planning to have dc as we both wanted our careers without dc. We ended up with 3 all of them totally unplanned.
In fact the last one, I cried for 2 weeks as we didn't want any more.
She has made our family complete and our children rock our world.
I also left a fantastic career behind and have really devoted my life to family/ including a very big part for me
It is ok to be scared, apprehensive, convinced its the wrong thing, and be so set in your ways.
The best advice I could give is to read and research how parents feel, the different lifestyles, how it changes your life both positively and negatively.

Hi op,
Ok so a good friend of mine is in the situation your dw is.
I think what happened was that when they met at uni having kids was a lifetime away. A few years later they moved up and down the country for work - no expectation re having kids then. Then they settled somewhere and eventually got married. The dh had in the past said 'I'm not sure of I want kids or not'. Since their wedding it has become a flat no. I'm not saying my friend is blameless because like your dw she has only got serious about having a baby recently, knowing it was never a dead cert. but its still what's happened and she is miserable and their marriage is floundering

You've said you want kids and love your wife so sit down and figure out how you will manage financially. IVF is very difficult and potentially very expensive.

Don't let what happened to you as a child cloud your decision.

Waiting until you are both 38 to ttc is a crap option for your wife. Years and years of waiting in limbo. You should either admit that you just don't want DC, and give her the option of leaving, or get over your upbringing and fears and go for it.

Infertility is horrible and hard on relationships, even when both people definitely want DC. there is no guarantee with IVF and it's not just conceiving that's an issue, miscarriage(s) and complications are more likely. I and plenty of women I know had fertility problems in their 20s or early 30s, of which 5 friends at 35/36 still have no DC after 3-5-10 years trying, and may never have their own biological DC.

Of course some people are fine and have DC when older, but by waiting your wife would be taking huge risks. You could still not want DC after all that time, or leave her or whatever, she'd then have very little chance of having DC.

The money / career stuff could well be fine. "lean in" and other books argue for 50/50 domestic/work split!

we were together for 10 yrs before I decided I wanted kids, now I have the most gorgeous DD I regret not doing it sooner - OH would have had a baby years ago if he had his way but he didnt want to push me so was happy to wait. im 34 OH is 44.

Using money as a reason for not wanting kids is bollocks and a shit reason - it certainly wouldn't ruin your lives - your children would only enrich your lives and bring a completely different perspective to life - one which you can only begin to realise once you have had kids. To me these two things you say tell me you don't really want kids no matter what. Once you have savings something else will come up, you don't have time, want a bigger house, want a new car etc. etc. - you will always be chasing a dream

'You are right in saying that is you defer it until she is in her late 30s and trying for a baby does not work'

And also assuming she isn't already thinking, 'He wants me to wait. Hmm, better start making some plans.'

I know I did. But my husband, being a mature adult, instead of suggesting something as silly as, 'Let's wait till I'm 38' admitted he never wanted children (he was 32, I was 28) and left the ball in my court.

I left and we divorced when I was 30.

I have been remarried for 11 years and had 3 children.

He had a vasectomy by choice, because that's what adults who don't ever want to procreate do, they take full control of birth control, and later remarried a woman who had been sterilised by choice herself before they met.

We all live happily ever after in our mid-40s! Us with our children and them childfree by choice.

OP - as I asked up thread, do you earn more than £1k a month after tax? That's a full time nursery place for a 1 year old baby in South East of England, commuter town to London. If you could live off your DW's wage, then yours could entirely go on childcare and you'd cope fine in the short term.

If your DW got pregnant now (as in, this month), you'd have until July 2015 before she needed to return to work post mat leave, that's only 5 years of your wage being eaten by childcare fees until you have reached the point of being the high earner you expect, although only 2 years before your DC is 3 and get's 15 hours free childcare (possibly increasing to 25) knocked off your bill (dropped ours by £400 a month at that point), 4 years before they'd be starting school and you only had to pay for wrap around care.

As long for those years you can afford to cover childcare by your wage and live off your DW's, then it'll be fine to cope with. You might also be entitled to tax credits to pay towards childcare fees.

If it's the fear that you'd be expected to give up work, make that no-negotiable that you won't, if it's the fear that you can't afford it, do the sums properly, work out if you can actually afford it or not.

If you just don't actually want DCs, then tell her so. Don't keep stringing her along when she could be starting a family with someone else.

p.s. you're presuming you'll still have the same job in 7/8 years time?

I think the OP may well come round to children but it may not be until he's 40s.

It might be perfectly possible to compromise on roughly 35, and agree that he wouldn't have to be a SAHD. But if he really is as terrified as he says, I think his wife would be better off with someone a bit more mature.

I really couldn't face having to nanny a man through childrearing as well as kids.

But- is this just about kids? Is he looking for a way out of the commitment he's got himself into?

I apologise for my waffling post - in summary, if you don't want children, don't have them. Don't make some halfrsed deferrement.
If you want children, but are scared/not yet/career/money worries - talk to each other and figure it out.

We started TTC when I was 31 (my DH is 3 years younger) and it took us 5 years and 4 MCs to 'make' DS1. Just sayin'...