Don't want kids but wife does - is divorce the only solution?

[justthisguy31]

I'm a bloke, aged 31, married to a clever, beautiful, successful woman who loves me, but I'm starting to think we should get a divorce. She seems firmly set on having a baby, and the idea of parenthood scares me stupid. I know how much hard work it is, as the oldest of a big family, and I still have so many other things to do in my life that will be hard or impossible with a child.

We have had the argument, several times, and then talked about it for real, and finally agreed a compromise. If she still wants a baby when I turn 38 (she is 6 months younger btw), we'll do our best to have one. That gives me time to build a better career and save some money, and both of us some years together as a couple, to have fun before we have to live just for someone else.

Are we just kicking the can down the road though?

I wasted time in my 20s on bad ideas and dead end jobs, and it took me until last year to find a career that would fly. Now I'm doing something I really enjoy, that pays well (for entry level) and has great prospects, but I'm still on the bottom rung. My wife, on the other hand, already finished her PhD three years ago and started a very promising, but very intense academic career. Which is to say that if we had a baby now, the only option that would make financial sense is for me to chuck in my job and be a stay-at-home dad. Not exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I'm also biased by my own parents' financial problems. My mum gave up work when I was born, and while my dad has had a pretty good career overall, when I was 10 he hit a rough patch and got into debt. It took the rest of my childhood for them to get back on a stable footing, and they still don't have the comfortable lifestyle they did when I was young. I remember endless fights, totally futile because there's no way to argue bills or petrol prices down, and I can't shake the fear that we'd end up in the same sort of hole. Even worse, as the lower earner (and likely primary child-carer) I'd be in my mum's position. Trapped.

Then from my wife's point of view, 38 or 39 is old for a first child. If it turns out she can't have a normal pregnancy and a healthy kid at that age, it will be my fault for insisting on the wait. Maybe a pregnancy will work out fine, or maybe she'll change her mind about wanting a kid, but if it doesn't happen there won't be any way back. I don't want to risk trapping her.

So I'm starting to think I have to let her go now, while she still has time to find a guy who wants children ASAP. Still not sure though if it would be self-sacrifice, or just selfish. I am sure she'd miss me, and I'd miss her.

I've typed this up more to organise my thoughts than to start an argument, but if you see flaws in my thinking please say so. Tis a forum after all :-)

[BelaLugosisShed]

Let her find a mature and emotionally stable man to have a family with, you definitely sound too selfish and immature for children.
38 is way too old to be having babies when she is ready now, a lot of men do this to women, they make them wait until it's too late, then they swan off and get a younger woman pregnant.

[humphryscorner]

just most people can't afford kids, they just go for it. Me and dh work, were just over the thresh hold for tax credits , but we make it work .

[expatinscotland]

'Thing is OP many men don't want kids until they have them and then they want lots.

It's really hard to judge which men actually mean they don't want them ever.

Personally, I would never have married someone who said they didn't want kids, but I guess your wife thought you might change your mind, or she has changed her mind...'

Are you serious? Men are . . . adults. Why on Earth would anyone not take them at their word when committing to something as serious as marriage? More fool her/him!

It isn't hard at all to judge what a person means. When they tell you, you take them at their word.

[Whatnext074]

You are being realistic based on your own experiences and as long s you remain honest with your DW and don't give any hint of false expectations then IMHO, you are doing the right thing.

I had next to no money bringing up my son, he never did want for anything though and doesn't remember us being 'poor'. It's the love you give them that they remember but I'm not posting on here to change your mind.

Keep talking to her, divorce is a very big word and if you love each other and there is nothing else to make you think of the 'd' word then try and work this through as much as you can before she decides what the future holds.

[Fairenuff]

Believe me or not, but I'd rather be alone than in the state my parents got into

Oh, I believe you. But what makes you think being 38 and having a large wage would make you a better parent than you could be now, or in a year or two?

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

That's a tough situation, it's all lovely saying leave and meet someone else, the reality of these plenty others can be elusive, sometimes it's best to compromise for a better good.tell your wife you won't be staying at home to raise te baby, she sounds like she can manage with or without you at home.best of luck

[justthisguy31]

@Whatnext074
I'm really glad it worked out for you. Thanks for trying to see things my way. This really is the only problem, so I hope I can sort things out with my wife.

[justthisguy31]

@Fairenuff
Being confident I could pay the bills would make a pretty big difference.

[Mewli]

So Justthisguy31, if your DW agrees to a return back to work after maternity leave would you be up for having a baby now then?
It is all right to feel overwhelmed about being the main breadwinner, it can look totally impossible. But expectations need to be adjusted. I too hoped that I could take some time off work after having children so I could morph into some domestic goddess. I thought my husband should be man enough to support me. He too didn't want to be a SAHP.Things didn't work as I hoped and I have remained at work ever since.
I am still the main earner. We have two kids and DH is trying to get his career off the ground. I sometimes resent him for not getting his career sorted in his 20-30s. Other times I just hope he does make it for his sake.
I love my job and my kids and I am grateful I mostly earn enough to support us.
All the best Just, don't take the easy way out.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

You seem to be thinking a lot about not wanting to be like your parents, rather than thinking about what you do want to be like.

Do you want to be a parent? Ever?

What kind of parent would you want to be?

Would counselling help you discuss some of this with your DW?

Asking her to wait until she is 38 seems arbitrary and hugely unfair.

[Fairenuff]

I don't think being able to pay the bills is one of the top requirements for good parenting, OP. It takes a lot more than that. Babies are happy with very little if they are cared for properly.

If you started now, it could be 18 months or so before the baby actually arrives. By the time it starts school, you could be 6 years further on in your career.

You can both work, put the baby into childcare in the daytime and share the housework, childcare during the evening and overnight.

If you don't want children, that's up to you, your choice. But those reasons you give aren't really fair to your wife because having money does not mean you will be a good parent.

[juneau]

Be honest - it sounds like you are - but if you really don't want a child you have to stop dangling carrots of a maybe baby one day far in the future when your DW will be well past her prime fertility. You don't want a child - you never have - so why this crazy plan? Just have the courage of your convictions and let HER decide whether to stick with you. If she really loves you she may decide to take her chances and wait - but I can't believe you didn't thrash this out BEFORE getting married. You're young, so maybe that's why, but there are some absolutely fundamental things you have to discuss before marriage and whether you want kids or not is one of them.

[justthisguy31]

@ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged
To be honest, I have no idea what sort of parent I'd like to be, or could be. Is counselling actually meant for that sort of question, rather than patching up things that already went off the rails? What sort of counselling should I be looking for, and where? I am serious btw.

[Charlottehere]

39 is leaving it late.

[Sallystyle]

I don't get why OP is getting a hard time.

It's a tough decision but he doesn't want children yet, that is perfectly acceptable. It's awful for his wife but no one should become a parent when they know they don't want to be. I think it's actually quite admirable of him to know that he isn't ready instead of having a child he quite clearly isn't ready for.

OP all you can do is tell your wife everything you have said here. It's now HER choice whether or not she wants to run the risk of waiting and it's up to YOU if you are willing to run the risk of losing her. If she said she wants to ttc now or divorce what would you say?

You both know what the risks are of both decisions, you just have to figure out if they are worth taking either way.

[Andro]

'Immature', 'cowardly', 'abusive'...Good grief, the only thing the OP has done is be unfailingly honest with his wife and actually communicate with her.

OP, you've taken some hassle here for actually being open and honest...it's a shame. I can understand why this is tough for you, you've had a poor personal experience and don't want to chance a repeat. I also think it's harder for you because you thought you were on firm ground with respect to children; now your DW has moved the goalposts and while everyone has the right to change their mind, I'm not surprised you're having trouble.

Personal counseling might well be good for you, not in an effort to 'fix' your lack of desire to have children (there's nothing wrong with that, however counseling might help you clarify the 'why's' for you), but to put your childhood experiences into adult perspective. Keep being honest, with yourself and with your wife.

Good luck OP, the issue of 'having a family' is a tough one in any relationship.

[justthisguy31]

@juneau
We did discuss it, well before engagement, and I certainly never dangled carrots. Back then it wasn't an issue. Her little sister just had a baby, and I think her getting pregnant is what started this. And when my wife changed her tune, so did I. I know 38 is a long time away, but it's sooner than never.

[Xmasbaby11]

Yes, it is. You want fundamentally different things. I have friends who have tried to compromise on this and it destroys the relationship. There is no compromise - one person doesn't get what they want.

[Twinklestein]

It may not be sooner than never OP at 38. By then two of my oldest friends were infertile.

[justthisguy31]

@samu2
I will tell her. Don't think she'd want to try right now even if I did, but in 1-2 years is quite likely. Still don't know what I'd say.

[justthisguy31]

@zzzzz
If I won the lottery, yes I'd give it a try. Pretty certain the money I make right now isn't enough, even with donated clothes, cots etc.

[juneau]

OP I really think you need to find someone to talk through your own childhood issues with.

The 'dangling carrot' I was referring to is this crazy plan to wait until your wife is at the end of her fertile years to start trying for a baby. What you're saying is 'Stick with me - I'll give you what you want - but you can't have it when YOU and biology want it - you have to wait until I've amassed a suitable pile of money'. What if you don't really progress in your career? What if you never amass this security blanket of cash you're fixated on? What then?

[justthisguy31]

@Andro
Thanks. You're not the first to mention counselling, but nobody gave any details yet. How and where could we get it?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Some people seem to be missing the fact that neither of them wanted children when they married, and the wife has only recently changed her mind. That doesn't make her a bad person, it's something that sometimes happens, that's all.
I think it's possible that the OP simply didn't know that women's fertility declines in their late 30s. Though actually, there are some indications now that this is untrue - and that the insistence on having your babies before 35 has been exaggerated as a way of reminding women that they are supposed to be incubators first and foremost and that money-earning is for men. (and, totally by the way, I got pregnant at 39, unexpectedly, partly because I thought my fertility had declined and was therefore less careful with contraception).
I think the best advice the OP has been given is to wait one year, not six or seven, and then discuss the idea again with his DW. He may feel ready to be a father by then - or she may have decided that, actually, she doesn't terribly want children after all. Or, of course, they may have switched positions and end up with him desperate to breed and her rejecting the whole idea...