Don't want kids but wife does - is divorce the only solution?

[justthisguy31]

I'm a bloke, aged 31, married to a clever, beautiful, successful woman who loves me, but I'm starting to think we should get a divorce. She seems firmly set on having a baby, and the idea of parenthood scares me stupid. I know how much hard work it is, as the oldest of a big family, and I still have so many other things to do in my life that will be hard or impossible with a child.

We have had the argument, several times, and then talked about it for real, and finally agreed a compromise. If she still wants a baby when I turn 38 (she is 6 months younger btw), we'll do our best to have one. That gives me time to build a better career and save some money, and both of us some years together as a couple, to have fun before we have to live just for someone else.

Are we just kicking the can down the road though?

I wasted time in my 20s on bad ideas and dead end jobs, and it took me until last year to find a career that would fly. Now I'm doing something I really enjoy, that pays well (for entry level) and has great prospects, but I'm still on the bottom rung. My wife, on the other hand, already finished her PhD three years ago and started a very promising, but very intense academic career. Which is to say that if we had a baby now, the only option that would make financial sense is for me to chuck in my job and be a stay-at-home dad. Not exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I'm also biased by my own parents' financial problems. My mum gave up work when I was born, and while my dad has had a pretty good career overall, when I was 10 he hit a rough patch and got into debt. It took the rest of my childhood for them to get back on a stable footing, and they still don't have the comfortable lifestyle they did when I was young. I remember endless fights, totally futile because there's no way to argue bills or petrol prices down, and I can't shake the fear that we'd end up in the same sort of hole. Even worse, as the lower earner (and likely primary child-carer) I'd be in my mum's position. Trapped.

Then from my wife's point of view, 38 or 39 is old for a first child. If it turns out she can't have a normal pregnancy and a healthy kid at that age, it will be my fault for insisting on the wait. Maybe a pregnancy will work out fine, or maybe she'll change her mind about wanting a kid, but if it doesn't happen there won't be any way back. I don't want to risk trapping her.

So I'm starting to think I have to let her go now, while she still has time to find a guy who wants children ASAP. Still not sure though if it would be self-sacrifice, or just selfish. I am sure she'd miss me, and I'd miss her.

I've typed this up more to organise my thoughts than to start an argument, but if you see flaws in my thinking please say so. Tis a forum after all :-)

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

I know of people - highly intelligent ones - who didn't have "the" conversation before marriage about kids. But, as this thread shows, that discussion can often mean absolutely nothing. One partner - or both - may change their minds as years pass.

Or, as I have also seen, a man will say he doesn't want kids. Woman loves him and marries him knowing this thinking that he will change his mind because he loves her so much, or she will be able to change his mind at some point down the road. Then trots out the "if you REALLY loved me, you'd give me a baby" line.

Believe me, I've been there. I'm not sure there is anything that has made me feel so worthless as being left by a long-term partner who said they always expected me to change my mind (thereby not respecting my views throughout our years together), that I obviously didn't love them as much as they loved me or I would change my mind (doesn't seem to apply the other way around, of course), and that when they left everyone was told I was the hideous person who denied them what they most wanted. It hurts to be told that your only value is as brood mare or sperm donor.

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

Xollob, ok, as I said, didn't read the whole thread...maybe I should have read on. But I did see OP's post saying...

I always knew I felt this way. When we met, I thought she agreed. She's very motivated and hardworking, and I thought she wanted a great career instead of kids. Now looks like she wants it all...

...which to me sounds more like he OP made an assumption that she didn't want kids because she was a career girl.

But wow, I really thought/think the children/no children conversation is a pretty crucial chat to have before marriage. For me, and I thought everybody, wanting the same things (with regard to a family) in life is an important part of working out if you are compatible. That was my assumption!

[Jux]

Coffee, see OP's post on Sunday, 22:35. No interpretation necessary.

[Retroformica]

Fertility declines at 30, then 35 and more so at 40. Who knows if you will be able to have kids late thirties. If I were in her shoes I'd move on. In reality there is never a good time to have children. All childless men unknown have been shit scared but then gone on to really enjoy their babies. As long as there's lots of love in the family unit, things will be fine.

Are there compromises you can make? You working 4 days and her 3?

Are there any other

[differentnameforthis]

TeenAndTween I'll let her know, thank you!

[differentnameforthis]

Lilka

We aren't in the UK &to be honest, I have no idea who has given her this info as she really doesn't like to talk about her situation that much.

I suggested it a while ago & she said 'we were told that we were too old to start the process.' So they didn't look into it any further! I will take teenandtweens advice though & suggest she tries elsewhere.

[Lilka]

Ah well, nothing I say means anything outside the UK. If she didn't look it into it any further, it may be that they felt adoption wasn't really right for them after all. Still, if she does want it, it's worth investigating

[frumpet]

Why do you have to give up your job / career ? i just dont get this , have you actually looked at childcare options at all ? Yes it may mean you are less well off financially for a few years but you would both keep jobs you love . I would look into childcare , at least to see how financially viable it is .
Oh and dont let your past rule your future !

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

I suspect you are putting it off until she is past her most fertile years so that you are less likely to conceive and can avoid becoming a parent but appease her with 'At least we tried'. However, I suspect that the bitterness and resentment she will feel towards you for wasting her most fertile time will eat away at your relationship and you will eventually lose her anyway, so neither of you will have got what you want. :-(

[pantsonbackwards]

I agree sugar.

[differentnameforthis]

Lilka

I get the idea that they are half hearted about adoption, but I guess that that is because it really is saying that they will never have their own biological child, which must be hard for anyone to come to terms with.

I will broach the subject of asking other agencies though. To be fair, I emigrated here, so have never had any dealing with anyone wrt adoption, so not sure where she would start, but I am sure she will know or know someone who does.

[differentnameforthis]

He isn't wasting her time. He put a suggestion to her, she agreed.

If she isn't happy she can walk away, she knows what she is getting into.

[Xollob]

differentnameforthis I know of a couple where the wife is about 47 (not sure about the DH) and they have been approved.

[southfieldsmum]

Your first step is having a real conversation with your wife. Where you admit that maybe some of your reluctance has less to do with money & career and financial security (although those are all good things) and perhaps a bit about your experience of your parents marriage and your childhood "stuff" (which it is btw) and you are projecting their unhappiness onto the unknown of becoming a parent. That you have ideas of what it would be like soley based on these early experiences. I am sure she does too, our 'first' families are our role models for our future families. Have a chat, ask her how she really feels about this 'compromise' - I doubt very much she really thinks it is such a good idea, or if she does now she will not in a few years time. Have a conversation and in the process of that say that perhaps exploring these tricky thoughts and feelings connected with becoming a parent is a good idea. Ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor where you will get 6 sessions to talk it through. There are loads of low cost counselling centres around just google it. Most important TALK TO YOUR WIFE. You cant make the decision by yourself
and what mners think. Come on man - step up.

[Supertubes1]

I just finally ground a site where someone had my problem. Please respond and let me know what happened. I'm down to the wire. I would really appreciate your info. Thank you. Pete

[happyh0tel]

As a man you can potentially have children when you are 80+ ?

A womans fertility decreases dramatically from age 35+

What would happen if your wife "got accidentally pregnant" before age 35 ?

Having a child is not guaranteed

People also change as they grow older.
One person may say they dont ever want children & be with a partner for many years. They split up. They each start a new relationship & they are parents within a year !

Suggest having an honest conversation with your wife, so that you can both decide your futures

[gamerchick]

Ooooold thread

[MaggieJoyBlunt]

Gosh OP is getting an extremely hard time here.

It reads as though being trapped as an unwilling SAHD is as much an issue as the DC themselves. Which sounds a reasonable concern.

[Sallystyle]

Well, he got a hard time two years ago

[MaggieJoyBlunt]

Oh god yes it's a zombie With email addresses

Well spotted gamer.

(Where's the zombie warning?)

[MaggieJoyBlunt]

[goddessofsmallthings]

WARNING - ZOMBIE ON THE LOOSE

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Actually, OP, you have my sympathy. I never wanted children (no matter I now have two!!), however, it wasn't in my life plan if I am absolutely honest. It is really difficult when one party changes their mind, this is what happened with me. When I married my husband I had a child from a previous relationship. He didn't want children of his own and I made clear he was marrying the wrong girl if he wanted kids. We had an agreement, or so I thought. Then suddenly, 11 years later, he became desperate to have a child. I did become pregnant (that's another story) and had our DS at 42. Parenting later in life is hard. There is no denying that. Husband found it very difficult, eventually after a glut of affairs, he walked out when DS was 2 1/2 and undergoing diagnostics for autism. So, I ended up the single parent in middle age. Awful. Not suggesting you would do this, however, what I am trying to say is I don't think fatherhood was how he thought it would be and I felt very resentful that he had put me under so much pressure only to sod off when the going got tough.

Anyway, I don't agree with some of the posts here, I think that you are being sensible seeking advice. I do, however, think you really must sit down and have a thorough heart to heart with your wife on this subject. As somebody said upthread, it may be a phase for her or indeed, be warned, you may suddenly decide later on that you do in fact wish to reproduce. I don't, however, think it is realistic to expect her to wait until her late thirties. You can carry on having babies for ever more if you choose to, but her window of opportunity is fairly limited.

When all is said and done, if you are not singing off the same hymn sheet then it would probably be better for you to go your separate ways. That seems very sad though. I really do hope you manage to work things out. Good luck!

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Oh fucking shit. I have just typed a great big long speech on a zombie thread. I'll copy and paste it just in case somebody else posts something similar