Don't want kids but wife does - is divorce the only solution?

[justthisguy31]

I'm a bloke, aged 31, married to a clever, beautiful, successful woman who loves me, but I'm starting to think we should get a divorce. She seems firmly set on having a baby, and the idea of parenthood scares me stupid. I know how much hard work it is, as the oldest of a big family, and I still have so many other things to do in my life that will be hard or impossible with a child.

We have had the argument, several times, and then talked about it for real, and finally agreed a compromise. If she still wants a baby when I turn 38 (she is 6 months younger btw), we'll do our best to have one. That gives me time to build a better career and save some money, and both of us some years together as a couple, to have fun before we have to live just for someone else.

Are we just kicking the can down the road though?

I wasted time in my 20s on bad ideas and dead end jobs, and it took me until last year to find a career that would fly. Now I'm doing something I really enjoy, that pays well (for entry level) and has great prospects, but I'm still on the bottom rung. My wife, on the other hand, already finished her PhD three years ago and started a very promising, but very intense academic career. Which is to say that if we had a baby now, the only option that would make financial sense is for me to chuck in my job and be a stay-at-home dad. Not exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I'm also biased by my own parents' financial problems. My mum gave up work when I was born, and while my dad has had a pretty good career overall, when I was 10 he hit a rough patch and got into debt. It took the rest of my childhood for them to get back on a stable footing, and they still don't have the comfortable lifestyle they did when I was young. I remember endless fights, totally futile because there's no way to argue bills or petrol prices down, and I can't shake the fear that we'd end up in the same sort of hole. Even worse, as the lower earner (and likely primary child-carer) I'd be in my mum's position. Trapped.

Then from my wife's point of view, 38 or 39 is old for a first child. If it turns out she can't have a normal pregnancy and a healthy kid at that age, it will be my fault for insisting on the wait. Maybe a pregnancy will work out fine, or maybe she'll change her mind about wanting a kid, but if it doesn't happen there won't be any way back. I don't want to risk trapping her.

So I'm starting to think I have to let her go now, while she still has time to find a guy who wants children ASAP. Still not sure though if it would be self-sacrifice, or just selfish. I am sure she'd miss me, and I'd miss her.

I've typed this up more to organise my thoughts than to start an argument, but if you see flaws in my thinking please say so. Tis a forum after all :-)

[ThisIs]

You've had an incredibly hard time here OP, unfairly in my opinion. It is perfectly acceptable to not want children and it is perfectly acceptable not to want to be financially dependant on your partner.

You need to make it VERY clear to your wife that you are not ready to have children and may never be. Do not dangle the promise of trying in 5/6/7 years time because if you still do not want children it will be too late for her.

You also need to make it very clear to her that if she is not prepared to wait on the possibility that you will want children in future years that you are willing to let her go.

Ultimately, it is not up to you to divorce her - the decision needs to be hers, but you need to give her all of the information to make that decision - without false hope and in the knowledge that you won't make things difficult for her if she wishes to go.

[LifeHuh]

In addition to the uncertainty about whether your DW will concieve easily at 38,you are very confident that your career will work out as you are planning... life isn't a book you write to fit what you want,anything can happen.
Seven or eight years is a way ahead to be confident that your plans will still be working out.If your wife definitely wants to have children,I don't think a promise that you will try in 7-8 years because then you will be financially stable and able to afford a family works.
However much you hope it won't happen to you work and health problems do happen.The decision to defer a family could mean trying at a point in your wife's life when conceiving may be more difficult and when you have other, unforseen, problems to deal with.I hope not,and it does sound gloomy - but it is possible.

[Fairenuff]

Have you put the 'compromise' to her?

I very much doubt she would go for it anyway. It would be a huge gamble on her part. And no guarantee that you would stick to it.

I think she would leave you.

If you don't want children, yes you should separate. You can be single, have all the money that you earn in your high paid job, go on lots of holidays, have a lovely home with all the latest gizmos.

Just bear in mind, though that any other woman you want to have a serious relationship with would probably also want children or, indeed already have them, so you might have to spend the rest of your life without any meaningful relationship.

[justthisguy31]

@DontmindIfido
If my job was fulltime, I would earn about £1400 after tax. It isn't. Like I said, I'm at the bottom of a well paying field, and I need to get more experience.

[TheFabulousIdiot]

Has she agreed to this compromise?

[justthisguy31]

@Fairenuff
I have, and she agreed. But I know it's a big risk for her.

[Helltotheno]

I don't get any impression from OP's post he's trying to 'force' his DW into waiting til they're 38. What I read was that's his compromise. What I also read was the question should he break things off and allow her the chance to find someone she can have kids with now. Imo, in a situation like this, where one wants kids and the other doesn't, the onus is really on the one who wants kids to decide whether it's a dealbreaker. To be fair to the OP, at least he's got as far as thinking he should make that decision for the two of them....so she can find someone else she can have kids with now. In effect, if she chooses to stick with him despite him not wanting children.. well it is her choice. She's an adult. She's free to choose another route.

Also, why should someone's rationale for not wanting kids be that important? If he wants to get counselling about that he can. He can also (like anyone else) feel free not to have kids if that's what his choice is. Remember, plenty of people have kids who could've done with an awful lot more thinking beforehand about whether they should have had them or not, so I don't see what's intrinsically wrong with someone making a choice, for whatever reason, that they don't want children.

Yes OP, you need to sit down and have a proper and honest chat about it, and above all, not give her any false hope.

[TheFabulousIdiot]

You take home more than me. You take home about the same as my husband.

We both work full time and our son is in lovely childcare. It isn't for long. He will be in school soon.

Why can't you both work. Christ, you could have two children on your wages and if you started now you could have a wider age gap to make the cost easier.

But you don't want children so why do you think that will have changed by the time to are 38?

[Xales]

I think it is very unfair to wait until your wife is 38.

What if you get to 38 and then decide you still don't want them. There will still be things you want to do then.

Your wife is pretty much screwed then, decide to leave you, divorce, meet someone else who wants children and try and conceive or stay put with you who has taken away her choice.

Or if you try are are unlucky, spend a small fortune on IVF and it doesn't work because she has few viable eggs.

Also the older the mother the more chance of the child having problems.

You both (if you are lucky) have good careers and a lifestyle you won't want to compromise. Who then takes the career hit to look after the child? The one who leaves if it is ill, for school needs.

I think you need to do some soul searching and decide if you really want children or not. If not tell her and let her go. If you do waiting until 39/39 seems silly and you should consider a lot sooner.

[justthisguy31]

@Fairenuff
Believe me or not, but I'd rather be alone than in the state my parents got into.

[PacificDogwood]

You said that she loves you.
Do you love her?
Can you not imagine having kids with her of ever?
Where and in what circumstances do you see yourself aged 40/50/60?

No need to answer me, just food for thought.

FWIW, I do not intend to 'give you a hard time' - of course you have every right to not want children. Just as your wife has the right to want them.
There really is no compromise there tbh...

[Helltotheno]

Sorry X post. If she's agreed, she's agreed. Did you float the idea of splitting up? How did that go over?

[justthisguy31]

@TheFabulousIdiot
I'm sure I don't take home more than you or your husband. £1400 would be the fulltime net pay - if I was fulltime.

[PacificDogwood]

... with her OR ever?

Sorry

[TheFabulousIdiot]

Did you EVER sit down before or after your marriage and talk about how you don't want to have children?

[justthisguy31]

@Helltotheno
No I didn't, and I don't want to, but as others have said I probably have more time than she does. I don't want to waste hers.

[justthisguy31]

@TheFabulousIdiot
I never came out with an ultimatum, but I made it clear from long before we even got engaged that I didn't want children. She married me knowing how I feel.

[Twinklestein]

If you can't bring the compromise down to 35 tops then you have to let her go. For that you'd have to start trying in under 3 years.

She will thank you in the long run, even if she doesn't now.

[expatinscotland]

Yeah, I tried to agree at first, too . . . but after a year or so, I realised it was stupid. Thankfully, I was 29 and not 39 at that point.

[Chunkamatic]

What happens if you still feel the same in 7 years time though?

[justthisguy31]

@PacificDogwood
I can imagine it, but not while my own income is too little to live on. 50/50 is fine with me.

[CaptChaos]

Presumably when you've reached the magic age of 38, you'll be earning more than your DW and she can stay at home with the baby, just as it should be? Barefoot and pregnant?

FWIW, it's not just women's fertility that declines with time, it's men's ability to produce good quality sperm, so you waiting until 38 might mean that, not only do you have problems ttc, but even if you don't, the poor quality of your sperm might be the cause of some fairly serious genetic abnormalities.

From the sounds of you, you would be doing your DW a huge favour if you just left now. If you can't be honest with her about not wanting a child with her (which is what all this 'wait til I'm 38' rubbish is really about), then there's no real point to your relationship.

[justthisguy31]

@CaptChaos
No, that would not be cool. She's got a great career and I really hope she keeps it up. But if she does have a baby and WOULD rather stay at home for a while, I'd be a total failure as an adult if I had to say I couldn't afford it. What kind of person has kids they know they can't pay for??

[Twinklestein]

Thing is OP many men don't want kids until they have them and then they want lots.

It's really hard to judge which men actually mean they don't want them ever.

Personally, I would never have married someone who said they didn't want kids, but I guess your wife thought you might change your mind, or she has changed her mind...