Don't want kids but wife does - is divorce the only solution?

[justthisguy31]

I'm a bloke, aged 31, married to a clever, beautiful, successful woman who loves me, but I'm starting to think we should get a divorce. She seems firmly set on having a baby, and the idea of parenthood scares me stupid. I know how much hard work it is, as the oldest of a big family, and I still have so many other things to do in my life that will be hard or impossible with a child.

We have had the argument, several times, and then talked about it for real, and finally agreed a compromise. If she still wants a baby when I turn 38 (she is 6 months younger btw), we'll do our best to have one. That gives me time to build a better career and save some money, and both of us some years together as a couple, to have fun before we have to live just for someone else.

Are we just kicking the can down the road though?

I wasted time in my 20s on bad ideas and dead end jobs, and it took me until last year to find a career that would fly. Now I'm doing something I really enjoy, that pays well (for entry level) and has great prospects, but I'm still on the bottom rung. My wife, on the other hand, already finished her PhD three years ago and started a very promising, but very intense academic career. Which is to say that if we had a baby now, the only option that would make financial sense is for me to chuck in my job and be a stay-at-home dad. Not exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I'm also biased by my own parents' financial problems. My mum gave up work when I was born, and while my dad has had a pretty good career overall, when I was 10 he hit a rough patch and got into debt. It took the rest of my childhood for them to get back on a stable footing, and they still don't have the comfortable lifestyle they did when I was young. I remember endless fights, totally futile because there's no way to argue bills or petrol prices down, and I can't shake the fear that we'd end up in the same sort of hole. Even worse, as the lower earner (and likely primary child-carer) I'd be in my mum's position. Trapped.

Then from my wife's point of view, 38 or 39 is old for a first child. If it turns out she can't have a normal pregnancy and a healthy kid at that age, it will be my fault for insisting on the wait. Maybe a pregnancy will work out fine, or maybe she'll change her mind about wanting a kid, but if it doesn't happen there won't be any way back. I don't want to risk trapping her.

So I'm starting to think I have to let her go now, while she still has time to find a guy who wants children ASAP. Still not sure though if it would be self-sacrifice, or just selfish. I am sure she'd miss me, and I'd miss her.

I've typed this up more to organise my thoughts than to start an argument, but if you see flaws in my thinking please say so. Tis a forum after all :-)

I don't think there's a rule that the lower earner has to become a sahp. It's possible your wife would want to take a break from her career to look after a baby or that neither of you would take extended time off, lots of families have 2 parents who work and manage fine.

38 seems old to me to start trying - fertility is individual of course and many people do have children at or after that age but it does add a risk. Also, what happens if you get to 38 and discover you still have other things you'd rather do?

At the moment though you still have time to think about it for a while and let your wife do the same. If you've made your mind up though that you really don't want a child ever you need to tell her that and then let her decide if she can live with it or not.

I can't see anything in what you are saying that make me think you really will change your mind at 38. You don't want children, she does. Let her go. Don't be like my brother in law who strung along a lovely woman until she was 37 then dumped her.

Set her free.

I think getting her to wait until her fertility has declined is a rubbish idea.

Why can't you both work. I know tonnes of academics who work. You just have to pay for good childcare. No one has to give up work. You need at least 750 quid a month for childcare though.

Do you want a child? That is the question.

Let her go. If she wants a child and you don't, it is really cruel to string her along whilst her fertility drops drastically.

if you are sure that you don't want dc and will definitely not want to consider it before she is 38 or 39 at the earliest, I think you have to make it very clear to her, so she can decide whether to stay with you. There may be no other option than to divorce which is no guarantee that she will find someone with whom she will want to have dc or that you will enter into a happy relationship with someone else.

It is a hard decision to make if this is a good relationship - not something I would throw away lightly.

It's too long to make her wait. What if you have trouble conceiving? The GP will make you wait at least a year to refer you for investigations unless you go private.

You have to truley think about your love for your wife. Having a child should enhance your life if you really cannot see this happening you should consider letting her go.

A woman's need to have a baby can be all encompassing and if you are there reason she dosnt get to fulfil that wish in her life resentment will soon set in.

My friend is going through it now with her dh, they already have one but he is adamant that there will be no more. She feels like she is greiving for a child she won't ever have.

Tough choices ahead.

I think the agreement is done under the hope that fertility WOULD be an issue, thus exonerating the whole children debate altogether - believe me, that would be one hell of a stormy relationship to contend with afterwards.

The more I read - you definitely do not want children. Regardless of whether she was dishonest with you going into marriage or has changed her mind (which she has every right to, just as you have the right not to want children) you are very clinical about this and it seems as if a career is of far more importance to you than anything, marriage or kids. Your past may influence your current state of mind and that is normal.

Personally, I would let her go. It seems like you are playing victim here. How do you know she's not sought advice - you say "I'm posting here" as if it's a one up on her because you are being proactive in pretty much answering your own question anyhow.

You are generally safe in assuming that so far as having children is concerned now is not the right time and no, you probably cant afford it. The problem is that if you wait until the right time and you can afford it then you never will actually have children.

What do you think that you can do without children that you cant do with? Having children is rather fun.

One small thing, please describe a child as a kid. Children are people not baby goats. This might actually help you with your view. Bringing a child into the world is consuming but fascinating, not at all agricultural. You also get to try and be better parents than your own were.

Has she actually agreed to this compromise?

It is absolutely your right to not want want children and absolutely your DW's to want them.

Making her wait until she is 38 or 39 is no compromise as it will seriously affect her chances of a healthy pregnancy.

Nobody's being selfish but this is one of those situations that needs a calm and sincere discussion so you make it clear to your DW that you do not want children and she can decide if that's a deal breaker for her.

'So being fair means giving in completely? This isn't something I want to do, and I've always made that clear. If I'm going for it at all, I need to move ahead in my career first.'

Divorce her. Your timing is off and you sound too immature to even consider having children just now, tbh. You are mismatched.

Just for context/information.

I was 37 when I got together with my DH. 38 when we started trying for a baby and 40 when I got pregnant through IVF. We have one child. Does she only want one? Would you be prepared to go through the effort it takes to have IVF and possibly the expense?

Not saying this will be your future but getting pregnant is not always easy when you are an older woman and like someone else has said if you do encounter fertility problems then you may be made to wait a year before they will even consider you which could put your wife just over the age limit for fertility treatment on the NHS.

It's fine not to want children. Plenty of people don't. However, it's not actually wicked to change your mind about this some years into a relationship. It can happen. And sometimes the couple can't cope with one person's changed mind, and they split up. Which is not that bad a thing, either. Couple-relationships are not compulsory, and it's also not that difficult to find a new partner if the one you have been with is no longer satisfactory.

Right now, what you and your wife have to decide, each of you for yourselves, is - does this particular relationship mean more to you than the desire to have/not have children?

Mind you, OP, I hope that you are taking responsibility for contraception at the moment and either using condoms or avoiding PIV sex - you don't want to end up with an unexpected pregnancy and either demanding your wife aborts it or spending the next year or two doing fuck all round the house and whining that she 'trapped' you until she gets sick of it and throws you out.

It seems that really you don't want kids now because you don't want to give up your job and be the primary carer. Well I don't think anyone is asking you to. You can both work. (If you're anything like most couples, you will both HAVE to keep working).

Does that make it an easier decision?

You want fun as a couple? Is it really going to be 100% "fun" for your wife if actually she always has the ticking biological clock at the back of her mind? If you prime grandparents/aunts/uncles etc to help out you can go away as a couple (or on your own) to do whatever the fun stuff is.

31 is a great age for her to be preparing to get pregnant. She has time to fit a second child in before getting past the age of 35 (when fertility can quickly reduce).

Remember you will get 9 months to mentally prepare!

You can have a baby relatively cheaply - people fell over themselves to hand us down cot/buggy/baby clothes etc. Childcare had different solutions as we went along but relatives were very important there too, to enable both me and DH to work (we have barely paid for any childcare, just some Early Years care before the free 25 hours kicked in. Now some after-school club).

If you ask her to wait until 38 you are asking her to wait until it's probably too late and if she does get pregnant, you're massively increasing the risk of having a baby with additional needs.

If you don't want a baby at all, be man enough to tell her. Don't just piss about until it's too late and then "win" both her and being childless by default having left it too late.

Trust me on this, if you do this, you'll suffer the concequences, because if she does find she's unable to have a baby at the point you're finally ready to settle down, then she will never forgive you. She might say she does, but she won't.

I do think it's unfair to ask someone who doesn't want DCs to be a SAHP though, do you earn more than £1k a month take home pay? That's a full time nursery place around here - it might be worth agreeing on the understanding that you don't give up work, but still effectively sacrifice your wage to pay for it. (Your childcare costs will drop dramatically once DC is at school, if you agree to only one preschooler at a time it's affordable).

My friend and her husband waited until she was 38. HE was very keen on children and wanted a large family. She wanted to just enjoy him, travel, build their careers, etc.

Then she did not conceive. She got ONE round of IVF on the NHS. Then had further investigations. Then a second and last round, aged 40. It also failed. Now she is too old for any more.

The problem is not his sperm quality.

My friend feels terribly guilty that she was so selfish. All he ever wanted was a large family, and he cant have it. Not with her. All she ever wanted, was him. To herself. Not sure how much longer she will have him, to be honest.

Neither of you has to be a SAHP.

If you absolutely don't want children but think you might go along with her plans in 7 years time to keep your relationship then I'd say you'd probably be best to give her a chance to find someone who does starting now.

If your career was on a proper footing now would you be happy to try for a baby now because your wife does?

It's difficult because lots of people, men, but also women, are adamant that they don't want children at 20 and even 30 but some change their minds. And some don't and it's not possible to tell who will or won't change their minds later.

Sometimes what friends and family are doing are influential. People think they want to party forever but turn 30 or 35 and that doesn't appeal at all. Friends start having kids so aren't available anyway and you think actually, if having kids is not the next step, what is now that the things you thought you'd always want at 40 aren't that interesting now?

What is your main objection to having children? No interest? Scared of the responsibility? The lack of control over other areas of your life?

Can't understand people who get married without discussing the possibility of children.

Poor woman. She needs to stop wasting the best years of her life on you. I hope you both have a civilised divorce and find partners that are aware of each others needs.

Why on earth would you not consider both being working parents? It does happen, you know. Virtually every parent I know works. In real life. You might lose money short term but long term you will profit.

And you must be a really low earner if your wife outearns you in the early years of academia!

Why on earth wouldn't you have time to establish a well paid career in the next 4 or 5 years?

Its ironic that your post is all about money, when the main problem you identify is your own lack of career and financial success and ambition.

My bet is that you intend to show this thread to your DW as fuel for your argument. I can't believe a man who isn't organised enough to establish a decent career by age 31 would suddenly become determined enough to ditch a wife without someone else lined up to take her place.

Just a small thought but you are rather rashly assuming that you will be fertile at 38.