Don't want kids but wife does - is divorce the only solution?

[justthisguy31]

I'm a bloke, aged 31, married to a clever, beautiful, successful woman who loves me, but I'm starting to think we should get a divorce. She seems firmly set on having a baby, and the idea of parenthood scares me stupid. I know how much hard work it is, as the oldest of a big family, and I still have so many other things to do in my life that will be hard or impossible with a child.

We have had the argument, several times, and then talked about it for real, and finally agreed a compromise. If she still wants a baby when I turn 38 (she is 6 months younger btw), we'll do our best to have one. That gives me time to build a better career and save some money, and both of us some years together as a couple, to have fun before we have to live just for someone else.

Are we just kicking the can down the road though?

I wasted time in my 20s on bad ideas and dead end jobs, and it took me until last year to find a career that would fly. Now I'm doing something I really enjoy, that pays well (for entry level) and has great prospects, but I'm still on the bottom rung. My wife, on the other hand, already finished her PhD three years ago and started a very promising, but very intense academic career. Which is to say that if we had a baby now, the only option that would make financial sense is for me to chuck in my job and be a stay-at-home dad. Not exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I'm also biased by my own parents' financial problems. My mum gave up work when I was born, and while my dad has had a pretty good career overall, when I was 10 he hit a rough patch and got into debt. It took the rest of my childhood for them to get back on a stable footing, and they still don't have the comfortable lifestyle they did when I was young. I remember endless fights, totally futile because there's no way to argue bills or petrol prices down, and I can't shake the fear that we'd end up in the same sort of hole. Even worse, as the lower earner (and likely primary child-carer) I'd be in my mum's position. Trapped.

Then from my wife's point of view, 38 or 39 is old for a first child. If it turns out she can't have a normal pregnancy and a healthy kid at that age, it will be my fault for insisting on the wait. Maybe a pregnancy will work out fine, or maybe she'll change her mind about wanting a kid, but if it doesn't happen there won't be any way back. I don't want to risk trapping her.

So I'm starting to think I have to let her go now, while she still has time to find a guy who wants children ASAP. Still not sure though if it would be self-sacrifice, or just selfish. I am sure she'd miss me, and I'd miss her.

I've typed this up more to organise my thoughts than to start an argument, but if you see flaws in my thinking please say so. Tis a forum after all :-)

[Trying2bMindful]

You sound like a controlling man.
I would tell her to run from you as quick as she can.

If you make her wait until her best years are behind her then that is abusive. What happens if you dont conceive at 38? will you spend thousands on ivf? or descend into bitterness and eventually divorce?
Even worse would be if you make her wait and then won't donate your sperm for the cause as it will be too late for her to find another partner who does want kids.

If you definitely do not want children then let her go now.

If you are unsure then go for counseling.

[justthisguy31]

@juneau
You're right, it isn't certain. I don't need crazy luck, just 6-7 years of a normal career from where I am now. But if nothing works, I have no idea what I'd do. Depends if my wife believes I can do it, I suppose.

[Fairenuff]

I don't think he is making her wait - that decision is up to her, surely?

[Chubfuddler]

Your compromise sounds like a recipe for getting divorced at 38 instead of now. You aren't going to want a baby then either. And I really really wouldn't bank on IVF being the solution if you find you do want one.

If you never want children that's fine, it's much better for people not to have children they don't want, but just admit it so you can both make an informed decision. Don't limp along in this marriage with time ticking away while she desperately hopes you'll start wanting one and you desperately hoping she will stop.

[Chubfuddler]

Also op you seem to be fixated on the idea someone has to be a SAHP. No one has to be. Plenty of couples with children both work. Plenty of single parents work.

[scoobydooagain]

If it's about the money , if you gave it a year, then try probably at least a year before there was a baby, then mat leave for 6-9 months that's nearly 3 years before you would be looking at paying for childcare, which can be done, but it seems to be more about the money, be honest with yourself and what you want.

[Redcliff]

Have you asked her about possible childcare arrangement e.g. would she be able to pay for child care while you are building your career up or is she expecting you to stay home?

[justthisguy31]

@zzzzz
Yeah. Aren't you? And I mean skint as in "sharing the last tin of beans from the back of the cupboard".

[Andro]

justthisguy31 - Talk to your GP, (s)he should be able to guide you as to where to look in your area or even Relate for the family/relationship aspect of your current situation if it's causing tension between you and your DW.

Another place to look is

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

The site was invaluable when I was looking for a trauma and grief therapist for my DS.

Counseling or therapy of any sort is HARD, it works (when you find the right person) but it's tough...and it can be very difficult if you find the root of a problem isn't where you thought it was. If you decide to pursue this path, do so with an open mind and a desire to get to the bottom of any issues - other wise it just won't do any good.

[Andro]

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

Ugh, link fail.

[justthisguy31]

@Redcliff
I haven't, but think she could afford it. Thing is, we actually have discussed this and one of the things we agreed on is that fulltime childcare for tiny infants is pretty rubbish. Paying someone most of my income to do a bad job of raising my child doesn't seem to make sense.

[Chubfuddler]

Oh dear.

Bored of you now op. Childcare providers do not raise people's children for them, badly or otherwise.

Please, don't have children.

[mellicauli]

Exactly - you going back to work is an investment - short term loss, long term gain. The real question is how you see fatherhood: will it be you trapped in something bad, or you commited to something good? Personally I think 38 is a bit much. Compromise with 35? I had my 1st at 36 and wasn't the oldest mum in the playground by a long chalk.

[justthisguy31]

@Chubfuddler
So the baby spending all day in a place where they get very little individual attention would have no effect? What am I missing?

[Chubfuddler]

Whst you're missing is having any clue about babies, childcare provision or parenthood in general.

But that's fine. You don't want to do it so don't.

[Whatnext074]

Blimey, you're getting a hard time. I wish my H had put as much thought into this before he left me after 2 miscarriages to be with another woman!

Andro has provided some good links, you may also want to search the BACP for a qualified, accredited counsellor in your area. Couples counselling is about talking through both your hopes and fears. You may be surprised to hear what your DW's point of view is on having children through a professional. If you love each other, you can work this out and learn to grow together. It's not about changing one or other's decision but about understanding each other's needs.

[mellicauli]

Paying for full time care of infants isn't ideal. But it has done ok for many of our healthy, happy children. In this case it allows you and your wife to have what you want, and to stay together. Surely you'd abandon this principle before you'd abandon your wife.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Oh dear. I came back to be supportive re counselling, but now I've read your last post I cba. Leave her. Don't leave her. Meh. Just don't diminish the choices working parents make. My ds is in almost full time childcare but gets plenty of individual care.

[Twinklestein]

He does not need counselling! He just doesn't want to have kids right now, that's perfectly normal, there's only a problem because his wife does.

I actually agree with the OP that I feel there's not a lot of point having kids if other people raise them. (Not making any judgement on anyone else's choices - that was just how I felt about my own).

I also agree that bringing up children on little money is stressful & hard work, which is why I made a lot of money in my 20s.

I don't think either of those views are unreasonable.

However, I don't think that asking his wife to wait until she is 38 is reasonable, even if she agrees to it now.

And there's no guarantee that when he gets to 38 he'll want them then either.

[Fairenuff]

I think you may have a misguided idea of what childcare provision is really like. How do you think single parent families manage? Childcare is a necessity for many these days.

However, you clearly do not want children so I agree that you should be very clear with your wife that you are offering no guarantees.

She can then make the decision whether or not she wants to risk it.

[Chubfuddler]

No I don't see much point in having children if someone else raises them.

Fortunately I don't know any working parents who aren't raising their children themselves.

I can't believe this has turned into yet another polemic against working parents.

Oh wait. Yes I can.



YAWN

[Xollob]

If she is the one wanting the baby and you were upfront from the beginning, I'm not entirely grasping why you are the one having to make compromises. If you downsized your house/mortgage/outgoings and she went part-time (I'm sure there are academics on here that are part-time) then could it work that way?