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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH got engaged to OW yesterday

135 replies

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 26/09/2013 22:45

And I'm not sure how I feel about it. We separated 2 years ago after 22 year together, 16 of them married and have 3 boys, when I found out about the affair. The boys are with him this weekend, so I'm on my own at home.

I feel a bit numb. I think I'm going to be upset when it sinks in, but it's obviously just the latest in a long list of hurts and betrayals. I wonder how I'll feel when they get married. It'll be her 4th marriage, his second. I guess my boys will be invited.

I've not got into dating, myself. Still don't feel ready, which is a shame as I guess that would have cushioned the blow a bit.

Not sure why I'm posting, really. Just wanted to share with those who'd understand. This board was a great source of support and help two years ago, but I don't really come here very often. Blush

OP posts:
PPPpickUPaPenguin · 26/09/2013 22:47

You won't care about them in time. Time is a great healer and distance. There is nothing wrong with being on your own. When you have had your life broken by someone untrustworthy, it can take a very long time to heal. Fall back in love with yourself and enjoy your life pleasing you.

Original poster
EllenJanesthickerknickers · 26/09/2013 22:50

Thanks, Penguin. At the moment life seems to revolve around the boys and I'm a bit lost when they're at their dad's. I can't get excited by Internet dating but have little opportunity to meet single men otherwise.

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Hissy · 26/09/2013 22:50

Sounds like they ought to keep the receipts for any wedding gifts eh?

Do they get Frequent Flyer points? Discount on Divorces?

Try not to let their news upset you, they aren't even thinking about you, sadly they never did.

Put yourself first and give thanks to god that it's not you saddling yourself with a proven liar and cheat.

You have hope in your life, they only have probability (and not in a good way)

Have you done any therapy? Do you think it might help you at all? To talk about how you feel and who you are these days?

(((hug))) even if you're not even sure if you need one or not Grin

Hissy · 26/09/2013 22:51

"Fall back in love with yourself and enjoy your life pleasing you."

Lovely way of expressing that Ppenguin! :)

ParsleyTheLioness · 26/09/2013 22:52

I sympathise, being in a similar -ish situation. As has been said...she's on marriage no 4, so don't hold your breath. It is hurtful though, even if you knew the marriage was over, and for good reason.

Hissy · 26/09/2013 22:53

I'm single from my DS dad for 2.5 years now, dated for a year, but ended in May.

Seriously can't be bothered to date, signed up an everything, went out for a drink, but not interested at all.

Going out on Sunday, because I want to see a particular film, but have already told the guy I'm not interested in more than 'mates'. Hoping it won't be too awful.

TalkativeJim · 26/09/2013 22:54

Ahh, how romantic - two cheats together.

His second and her fourth. I'm sure they are soulmates, don'tcha know.

Well done on undoubtedly having not only a brighter future, but the respect of your children as they become adults.

Original poster
EllenJanesthickerknickers · 26/09/2013 22:55

Yes, marriage number 4 does sound a bit Jeremy Kyle, doesn't it? Wink I'm still waiting for karma to catch up with them, but life's not fair, unfortunately. I'm quite pleased how detached I feel ATM, just how I don't crumble at work tomorrow.

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 26/09/2013 22:56

Btw, if its any consolation, I only recently felt like dating again (split Oct 2011). I have recently met an apparently lovely man, been dating for three months. There are no guarantees in life. I was married for 20 yrs to someone I didn't know at all. But, for now at any rate, I am enjoying being treated well.

Original poster
EllenJanesthickerknickers · 26/09/2013 22:56

Just hope

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ImperialBlether · 26/09/2013 22:57

It's her fourth marriage? Blimey.

It hurts now more than it will. There will come a time when you've really gone past caring. You do know that it's very, very likely she'll go on to have a fifth husband, don't you? It's the engagement that made me think that - most people wouldn't get engaged for the fourth time, or at least they wouldn't be announcing it like that. I think she will be marking her spot, peeing on her patch, so to speak, to let you know what's what. Ignore it. If he says anything, just say, "Gosh, six engagements between you! You two are keeping the diamond industry in business! But what has she done with her other three rings? Does she still wear them?" and look all innocent and caring, as though you could give a fuck about either of them.

Your boys will be invited to the wedding. You have a choice then of either sitting and thinking about it on your own or going and having a great time with a friend or alone. Start saving now and you could have a fab trip to New York at the same time as he's tying his life to a woman who doesn't seem to know her own mind.

Original poster
EllenJanesthickerknickers · 26/09/2013 22:57

Parsley, where are these lovely (available) men? Ah yes, online...

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Original poster
EllenJanesthickerknickers · 26/09/2013 23:00

Hmm, not sure the finances will stretch to that, nor the school hours job allow the time off! Good idea, though. Grin

Thanks all, for the upbeat support. X

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PPPpickUPaPenguin · 26/09/2013 23:01

I think once someone is on a third marriage the problem is not the ex's the problem is them!

I think karma is a load of rubbish, did you deserve what you got?

I think your ex will one day wake up and realise that he has swapped one set of problems for another. What ever he found "wrong" with you, he will find a whole host of other "wrongs" with wife number two. I suspect he will one day think in a cold sweat that the "wrongs" with you were a great deal less than the "wrongs" with her. He will then have to live with that, and you will probably never know he even through it. None of us are perfect, yet so many people are looking for perfection in others.

ParsleyTheLioness · 26/09/2013 23:01

Afraid so Ellen...but to give you the stats, I reckon I was messaged by about 600 blokes...some of them obviously idiots, many just out for sex, apparent from the sort of messages....some of them just disappeared after a few messages. About three I arranged to meet and they mysteriously cancelled at a late stage... So I 'interviewed' quite strictly, and was lucky also... But in my 50's, it was difficult to meet someone in other ways...

MariaLuna · 26/09/2013 23:01

It'll be her 4th marriage

Right. That will give you a laugh then.

Cos how serious is that?

Sorry you are going through this.

Time to find your power. Don't think you don't have it!

Fuck them.... They'll be miserable soon enough. By which time you will be living your own life Smile

akaWisey · 26/09/2013 23:02

I don't know how I'll feel if/when ex and OW marry tbh. She's also been married 4 times but they were uni sweethearts so he's gone back to the rosy past. It's been on my mind recently though and I'm not sure why, I suppose because I finally feel like I'm moving on after almost three years so why wouldn't they.

If it's possible for you to see it this way, perhaps view it as an opportunity for you to move on fully and leave them to it.

comingintomyown · 26/09/2013 23:02

After almost four years since separating my xh and ow are apparently getting married next year.

I understand how you feel it churns up a lot but after a couple of days moodiness am back to normal I found out on Monday and this morning woke up fine

I am single too and pleased about it. I dont know how borne of love this plan is, xh is rich and ow had gold digger credentials. Since she is twice divorced and not of child bearing age I do wonder...

Anyway good luck to her , I would struggle to go out for lunch with him never mind get married. Since splitting I have fallen back in love with myself Smile

paneer · 26/09/2013 23:03

it is ok to be shaken. but also think about how far you have come the past 2 years. you're shaken and not that
wreck. you are doing well Smile

I am also 2 years and a bit of finding out about xp affair and then him moving out. I have spent a bit of time in therapy which has helped loads (for the first year). just thinking about how in was then in comparison to now helps me a lot.

head out and indulge yourself this weekend Wine

Original poster
EllenJanesthickerknickers · 26/09/2013 23:03

They haven't actually told me, BTW. We don't see each other or talk at all, I've never met her, but they've announced it on Facebook (very lovey dovey, he proposed in Rome my proposal was on Portland! ) and mutual friends have told me.

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PPPpickUPaPenguin · 26/09/2013 23:05

Yes comingintomyown nothing better than spending time with, pleasing and getting to know that wonderful person who was so badly neglected, YOU!

Ezio · 26/09/2013 23:06

When a man marries his mistress............

you know the rest.

ParsleyTheLioness · 26/09/2013 23:06

I think it does hurt. My XH got married at the weekend. Had not been divorced from me for 6 months. Indeed, announced the new marriage when still married to me! It hurts that I am considered so 'disposable' after 20 years. Dont' want his sorry flatulent arse back tho...

PPPpickUPaPenguin · 26/09/2013 23:11

Ezie very true. When we split, my children told me about the women chasing including stalking and flirting with her friend my ex did when he was with them. He was supposed to be in the honeymoon period with the OW he left for. Confused This love of his life wasn't enough for him, it made me feel better. Apparently he never loved me and never planned on staying married with me Shock she was apparently the love of his life and he did that to her within months.

Original poster
EllenJanesthickerknickers · 26/09/2013 23:12

Yes, karma doesn't seem to work properly, does it? Only in films do the goodies win and the baddies lose!

They are both in their late forties, as am I. TBH, I'm surprised they're bothering to get married. They seem to be very much 'in lurve' but would you risk it for a 4th time?

I tried therapy for a while, but didn't find it helpful. MN was better. Smile

The best thing to happen for me was the stress caused me to lose 4 stone, which I really needed to lose. I've recently gained a stone back and was thinking I was obviously getting to a better place. Maybe this wedding will help me lose another 6 or 7 lbs?

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