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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Male seeking advice

307 replies

Marmite77 · 24/09/2013 13:32

Hi.

I'd imagine this will be quite long and rambling so sorry in advance!

To say I'm a little confused is an understatement and I was hoping here might be the place to get some input/advice.

I have been seeing someone for almost a year. We get on brilliantly, never fight or argue (we had one row which was nonsense and we both apologised immediately afterwards) and have an amazing level of connection to the point where we say the same things unprompted all the time, her family really like me, all our friends like each of us etc. We have told each other we love each other and there has been talk of moving in together and building a life together which we were definitely starting to do.

I say were as yesterday events to an unexpected turn. On Saturday we had been at the wedding of two of my friends and had a great time including plenty to drink. Yesterday we were lying on the couch together watching trashy hangover tv when she said she was feeling down and was going to go home. I asked if she wanted me to come with her and she said no then said that something was wrong and something is missing between us. She had been behaving as normal all weekend and this came completely out of the blue.

She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.

Now she's saying she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it.

When we were talking about this before she left she said she loves me and fancies me and looks forward to seeing me and had a great time with me but something is missing and mentioned something from saturday night relating to something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with (I had been joking about how it was nice to see him actually dressed well for once, this is a bit of a running joke, I wasn't being a dick) and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that. This is a couple who have been together for over 10 years and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.

She has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with but I have seen little evidence of this and I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with.

I will have missed loads out and this is probably all over the place as my head is pretty messed up today so please feel free to ask me any questions you would like and all responses are greatly appreciated.

In short I don't know what is going on and I'm deeply confused!

OP posts:
Xollob · 29/09/2013 21:19

Schmee - I mean you need to press F5 to refresh, as I think you were reading the thread before OP posted to say she had been in touch at last.

schmee · 29/09/2013 21:27

Did someone else suggest putting his cards on the table and putting the ball into her court to determine the next step? Sorry if I missed that one. Confused

I was suggesting a way to broach the conversation... Confused Confused

Original poster
Marmite77 · 29/09/2013 21:28

yeah I've considered all the negative possibilities too, don't think I haven't. All I,m basing that previous post on is how I would handle this situation myself if roles were reversed.

OP posts:
Xollob · 29/09/2013 21:32

I misunderstood then Schmee - apologies.

Hope it works out Marmite - we're all willing you on here.

pdfan · 29/09/2013 21:55

You should explain to her that she's not just keeping you waiting but also about 100 ladies and a man or two on Mnet waiting and on the edge of their seats as well!
She'll be so flattered to hear that Wink

missbopeep · 29/09/2013 21:56

In your shoes I'd be wondering if she deserved to have me. She's treated you badly.

Putting her friend first even if it was a long standing arrangement is not much of a reason. She's had all week and all weekend to see you. Just another tactic to keep you dangling and put off meeting.

If you have the balls, then whatever she says I'd tell her you were going to end it with her now anyway due to the way she has behaved.

SweetSeraphim · 29/09/2013 21:57

Good luck Marmite Hope everything works out ok.

mrsmindcontrol · 29/09/2013 22:06

What missbopeep said. Exactly that...word for word. Be strong Marmite.

Xollob · 29/09/2013 22:07

Also (massively over-thinking here - I really need to get a life!) why can't she meet you after your work and before her work? It seems a bit unfair that you are the one who has to go to work after an emotional conversation.

pdfan · 29/09/2013 22:20

When I came on this website a few weeks ago (by chance, honestly), wasn't there a huge long thread all about a man 'needing time'?
It was hilarious somehow because it turned out that it was a middle aged janitor keeping a much younger woman hanging. Not sure why that made it so funny but there were lots of jokes made about the hesitant 'janny'.

But the woman in this thread 'needing time' isn't funny at all. It's just plain worrying! And yet the two themes are so similar.

(Wish I'd never come upon this site because I keep telling myself I'll stop 'tomorrow', but finding it hard to resist having just another quick look. I think it's just curiosity about other people's lives. And the fact that they're real people and it's not fiction.)

oohdaddypig · 30/09/2013 06:46

Good luck marmite.

I would run for the hills from this woman - for the reasons espoused by my learned friends above. There is no long term happiness to be found with such a person.

If you feel you do want to remain with her you now really need to cool it with her. Her behaviour tells me that she thinks she has you exactly where she wants you - ie dangling desperately whilst she works through her space "issues".

If you really want her back - then be less available and let her think you can live without her. Be slightly "cooler". We all want what we think we "can't" have. I'm not suggesting game playing - there is enough of that going on already. Just be less available.

However, from personal experience, I say that if someone is so callous with your feelings as she is now, she will never make you happy. Life is too short to be with someone like she appears to Be. Walk away, head held high, and find someone who deserves your love.

Lazyjaney · 30/09/2013 07:05

iMO she's probably just giving the line a pull to make sure you're still on the hook. Shes hardly trying much to see you.

Let her make all the running OP.

missbopeep · 30/09/2013 08:22

well said oohdaddy

when you love someone- as you seem to do - you want to think the best of them. You want to give them another chance etc. and believe that you/they can turn the relationship round.

But the odds are it's over so prepare yourself- and if it's not then you need to step right back and not let her dictate how the relationship develops from here. If she does want to carry on you'd be wise to say that YOU need some time to think now given her behaviour.

Xollob · 30/09/2013 21:33

Good luck tomorrow Marmite - I hope you get to hear what you want to hear & that her reasons for asking for space are valid.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2013 12:47

Yes good luck tonight OP. I hope it all works out well for you, one way or the other

Xollob · 01/10/2013 19:56

Was it OK Marmite? Has she made up her mind?

BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2013 19:59

Xollob I'm waiting too. As is my BF.

Funny how some threads just seem to get to you isn't it?

Xollob · 01/10/2013 20:02

Very strange, yes. We may just have to talk between ourselves though as it's possible Marmite will forget to update and we'll never know ...

BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2013 20:05

Don't say that Xollob! Shock I neeeeeeeeeeeed to know!

mrsmindcontrol · 01/10/2013 20:15

Me too. This has actually become more important to me than anything going on in my RL.
I'm not joking.

southernbelle79 · 01/10/2013 20:15

hi all, I've been silently following this thread too . Smile hope he is ok.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2013 20:29

mrsmind I know how you feel. Me and the BF had a long chat about it at the weekend and he gave me the male persepctive. He's asked for an update several times

We are officially sad

mrsmindcontrol · 01/10/2013 20:34

Quite BitOut.
I should add though, that I'm not being a voyeuristic rubber necker here, although I'm sure it comes across that way....I find myself genuinely caring how the OP is & feeling very cross on his behalf.
Not often a thread gets to me like this one has.

Xollob · 01/10/2013 20:42

Oh God Marmite look what you've done to us! Also concerned ...

BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2013 20:55

Yes IKWYM MrsMind. I feel so sorry for him. He seems like a nice guy