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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Male seeking advice

307 replies

Marmite77 · 24/09/2013 13:32

Hi.

I'd imagine this will be quite long and rambling so sorry in advance!

To say I'm a little confused is an understatement and I was hoping here might be the place to get some input/advice.

I have been seeing someone for almost a year. We get on brilliantly, never fight or argue (we had one row which was nonsense and we both apologised immediately afterwards) and have an amazing level of connection to the point where we say the same things unprompted all the time, her family really like me, all our friends like each of us etc. We have told each other we love each other and there has been talk of moving in together and building a life together which we were definitely starting to do.

I say were as yesterday events to an unexpected turn. On Saturday we had been at the wedding of two of my friends and had a great time including plenty to drink. Yesterday we were lying on the couch together watching trashy hangover tv when she said she was feeling down and was going to go home. I asked if she wanted me to come with her and she said no then said that something was wrong and something is missing between us. She had been behaving as normal all weekend and this came completely out of the blue.

She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.

Now she's saying she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it.

When we were talking about this before she left she said she loves me and fancies me and looks forward to seeing me and had a great time with me but something is missing and mentioned something from saturday night relating to something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with (I had been joking about how it was nice to see him actually dressed well for once, this is a bit of a running joke, I wasn't being a dick) and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that. This is a couple who have been together for over 10 years and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.

She has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with but I have seen little evidence of this and I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with.

I will have missed loads out and this is probably all over the place as my head is pretty messed up today so please feel free to ask me any questions you would like and all responses are greatly appreciated.

In short I don't know what is going on and I'm deeply confused!

OP posts:
mrsmindcontrol · 28/09/2013 19:59

Great post pdfan. Me too sadly Hmm

SweetSeraphim · 28/09/2013 20:00

I do too mrsmindcontrol

It's totally out of order. If this was a woman posting this about a man, I would say exactly the same.

mrsmindcontrol · 28/09/2013 20:14

Quite right, sweetseraphim. That said, OP has been quiet the last few days so maybe all is well again in his world.
Let's hope so.

lurkinglorna · 28/09/2013 20:53

pdfan

I think what's makes me a bit Hmm about that approach is it’s basically not treating the other as an independent being with their own (which is a prelude for turning oneself bitter or weird or stalky).

There’s no actual self awareness, reads like you’re projecting some adolescent Mills and Boon fantasy onto some woman (and nothing about what SHE wants - it's not HER you're thinking of, but the "image you've built up of her")?

It’s emotionally wanking, you're the only one in this great love affair you're convinced exists. And speaking of love, it's more "me me ME what about MY needs" than actually wanting a good outcome for the person you're allegedly in love with.

People like that are scary to interact with IRL, because they won’t listen to “hints” and will insist on seeing what they want to see.

Sparklysilversequins · 28/09/2013 20:55

Agree with lurkinglorna.

I am afraid PDFan's post gave me the right creeps.

pdfan · 28/09/2013 21:23

Ok, fair enough. Being very much in love with someone to the extent that they become crucial for your happiness and you're besotted can become a kind of mental illness.

You're sometimes better not to get afflicted!
There's a lot to be said for always being self sufficient and strong, not depending too much on anyone to give meaning to your life, not even your partner, because you know you could be happy and achieve worthwhile goals on your own, if it ever came to that, even although you're living happily with someone.
That way you remain stable and sane and can cope with anything life throws at you.

Hopefully, that attitude doesn't give you the creeps Smile

LessMissAbs · 28/09/2013 21:25

pdfan's post comes across as an insight into the mind of a potential bunny boiler/stalker.

I really find the sense of perspective in this thread missing at times. If it was a woman who had been in a short term (1 year fgs!) non-live in relationship with a man, who told her she wanted space, and she harped on in the manner of the OP, most posters would be telling her to move on, to forget him, he probably had someone else and wasn't worth it, etc, etc..

Likewise, if a woman had announced she intended to get married to her boyfriend of slightly less than a year, she would be told she was jumping the gun.

Because its a woman who has come out with the needing space line, so many have assumed she is a games player/unreliable/doesn't know what she wants/is missing out on a good man. Because all women must want nothing else in life to get married, asap, to the first man they meet who will have them.

pdfan · 28/09/2013 21:40

an insight into the mind of a potential bunny boiler/stalker

You can feel crazy about someone but would simply never dream of stalking them.

It's only abnormal people who would do that. That is something else entirely.

As for being besotted, loving someone like crazy, you get over it. In the end, nobody's worth that, neither man nor woman.

mrsmindcontrol · 28/09/2013 21:56

LesMiss.....please don't think you're speaking for me in suggesting that I think women all want marriage, babies & stability. Far from it.

I am frankly staggered that anyone thinks that OP's GF is being anything other than disrespectful. That's what my issue is about- the need for 2 people in a relationship to have respect for each other.

SweetSeraphim · 28/09/2013 22:03

Exactly!! I'm a fully paid up bra burning feminist, it's everything to do with respect.

SweetSeraphim · 28/09/2013 22:04

Put it this way - if it was my best friend doing this to someone they had been seeing for a year, I would think she was behaving badly.

Xollob · 29/09/2013 18:59

Still no news OP? Does she know you are on nights? I think in the next week I would now be wondering what is going on and expecting some communication or asking questions.

Original poster
Marmite77 · 29/09/2013 20:20

She got in touch tonight as I was leaving for work, aired how I was and was I busy as she was going to give me a call.

Told her I was leaving for work, asked how she was etc, exchanged a couple of nice texts and are talking in the week. can't do tomorrow as she is at a friend's after work.

fingers crossed

OP posts:
mrsmindcontrol · 29/09/2013 20:30

Do update us Marmite. I hope she's sorry for what she's put you through. In my view, that should be the starting point of any discussion.

Xollob · 29/09/2013 20:30

That's good - I'm glad she's been in touch. Do you think if it had been bad news she would have just wanted to get it out of the way sooner, before going to friends?

BitOutOfPractice · 29/09/2013 20:47

Hello op. Glad she contacted you. Hope you feel a bit calmer. What a long time she's kept you hanging.

Personally, if it were me I wouldn't be going round a friends tomorrow. I'd be trying to sort this. And I agree that an apology from her has to be the starting point.

Do update. I'm strangely over invested in this

claudedebussy · 29/09/2013 20:58

sounds strange. i'd be a lot more guarded after this. people who blow hot and cold / exhausting dramas means you don't know where you stand with them. at best, manipulative, at worst, abusive.

take care of yourself.

Original poster
Marmite77 · 29/09/2013 21:03

her and the friend have had long standing plans for the Tuesday and she did try to speak to me tonight so I'm not overly bothered about that.

I've got stuff at her house and she's got stuff at mine so if this was role reversal and I was ending things I'd have said we need to talk can I come over? then taken the other persons stuff to their house so I could finish things, both get our stuff back and then leave, I wouldn't be doing it on the phone then have to deal with the situation again in person. unnecessary.

OP posts:
Xollob · 29/09/2013 21:09

That's true actually BitOutOf - why is she going to a friend's house rather than sorting this first? So had she left one free slot tonight and expected to contact you then?

Was she hoping to finish it tonight and cheer herself up tomorrow with her friend? If she had said she wanted to resume things tonight, wouldn't you have wanted to see each other tomorrow?

Don't want to spoil tonight's positivity Marmite but I'd be prepared for bad news and anything else is good news?

Does anyone else think that Marmite should ask her to cancel the friend and explain herself tomorrow rather than keeping him hanging on?

schmee · 29/09/2013 21:10

I think it's perfectly normal after a year - and with the context of the weddings - to start to reevaluate your relationship. What is unreasonable is for her to ask for an indefinite amount of "space" without putting a timescale on it.

In your position I would put my cards on the table if you don't get any clarification soon: "I really love you and see/saw us being together for the longterm. I respect your need for space and understand you want to think about whether this relationship has a future. However I can't be in limbo forever. What do you see as the next step?"

Xollob · 29/09/2013 21:11

xposted Marmite so ignore (though tomorrow's Monday, not Tuesday - I assume nights have caused you to gain a day and you are not talking about Tuesday).

Xollob · 29/09/2013 21:12

Schmee you need to refresh!

missbopeep · 29/09/2013 21:14

I think the delay and putting her friend first is significant.

I also think that she may Marmite have an inkling of your work schedule after a year and wonder if she called when she damned well knew you'd be going out the door- more or less.

Another delaying tactic to give her time but test how you reacted when she called you?

Maybe you should have said 'WTF's going on' Instead you were all calm and collected.

schmee · 29/09/2013 21:15

Xollob - sorry I don't know what you mean..

missbopeep · 29/09/2013 21:18

she means read the entire thread- you're a bit out of date and just saying what's been said already:)