Male seeking advice

[Marmite77]

Hi.

I'd imagine this will be quite long and rambling so sorry in advance!

To say I'm a little confused is an understatement and I was hoping here might be the place to get some input/advice.

I have been seeing someone for almost a year. We get on brilliantly, never fight or argue (we had one row which was nonsense and we both apologised immediately afterwards) and have an amazing level of connection to the point where we say the same things unprompted all the time, her family really like me, all our friends like each of us etc. We have told each other we love each other and there has been talk of moving in together and building a life together which we were definitely starting to do.

I say were as yesterday events to an unexpected turn. On Saturday we had been at the wedding of two of my friends and had a great time including plenty to drink. Yesterday we were lying on the couch together watching trashy hangover tv when she said she was feeling down and was going to go home. I asked if she wanted me to come with her and she said no then said that something was wrong and something is missing between us. She had been behaving as normal all weekend and this came completely out of the blue.

She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.

Now she's saying she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it.

When we were talking about this before she left she said she loves me and fancies me and looks forward to seeing me and had a great time with me but something is missing and mentioned something from saturday night relating to something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with (I had been joking about how it was nice to see him actually dressed well for once, this is a bit of a running joke, I wasn't being a dick) and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that. This is a couple who have been together for over 10 years and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.

She has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with but I have seen little evidence of this and I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with.

I will have missed loads out and this is probably all over the place as my head is pretty messed up today so please feel free to ask me any questions you would like and all responses are greatly appreciated.

In short I don't know what is going on and I'm deeply confused!

This is good news thought, isn't it? They may be er - catching up. If he'd been dumped I'd think he'd be more likely to be back by now.

Or crying into his beer!

Hurry UP Marmite. I'm supposed to be getting an early night

I think we care cos he sounds like a decent chap. Who can verbalise emotions. Is compassionate.

are you really a man?

I just don't like to see anyone having the piss taken out of them, tbh. OP deserves better.

Decent - good old fashioned word - yes, he seems to be.

You know, I think it's good news - they're probably out celebrating.

I don't think she was completely taking the piss Sweet, I think she was confused.

Yes, yes Xollob, I agree. But messing him about at this point would be taking the piss. She has to know now how she wants it to go. And he was confused also.

I agree Sweet. Hopefully that won't happen. Poor OP will come back to his life having been dissected without him here.

If he doesn't come back, like, ever....I can well imagine that I will go to my grave wondering what happened.

MUST. GET. A. LIFE.

MrsMind

I can see you putting up billboards in all major cities: 'Will Marmite please go back to Mumsnet and update his thread',

It's like torture.

I'm being forced to do actual work because of Marmite's selfish refusal to update us

Good plan, Xollob. Good plan.

Meanwhile thousands of other MNetters are desperately clicking on the thread every time they see the post count go up, only to find yet another whiney request for an update from one of us.

My dad had a girlfriend who asked for space in their relationship after they were guests at a wedding. She said she wasn't sure how she felt about him.

My dad was very hurt; he really loved her. He gave her space.

She wanted the big dramatic scene - darling I love you, can't live without you, marry me etc.

She started dating someone else (to make my dad jealous).

He met my mum. She was devastated when he got engaged to my mum.

My dad apparently should have 'known' how much she loved him.

She should have 'known' my dad doesn't like to play games with people. He's very literal and takes people by what they say. He loved her, she was uncertain and then started dating someone else. He made himself get over it.

She's continued to mess up several other relationships and it seems likely her current marriage will end the same way. Dad still has a soft spot for her but is glad that he didn't end up marrying her as he couldn't deal with her instability and need for dramatic scenes and grand gestures etc.

It wasn't very obvious to him at the time and for years later what a drama llama she is and how tiring she is to be involved with. She was a bit fussy and ocd about various things but that was all he picked up on. It was mum that actually spelt it out to him as he never understood why she dumped him if she loved him so much.

Dad is still 'the one that got away' and her greatest regret but I'm sure she'd had got sick of him very quickly if he'd reacted how she wanted.

It's taking me ages to do things tonight because I keep having to come back here to refresh.

I think he's selfish ABitOutOfPractice very selfish bastard man - how dare he not put us before the rest of his life. Only joking Marmite, but where in the bloody hell are you?

He'll think we're all nuts, of course. Being new (I think) he won't realise this is how Mumsnet works - a few kind words from strangers and an obligation to update them as soon as anything happens in his life ... ever.

It's been her doing the wedding joking and was along the lines of "can we have this at our wedding" so not demeaning

Going off on a tangent and sorry to drag this back to last week OP, but I'd like to know what your reply to her jokey banter regarding 'our wedding' was?

Could these comments/jokes be her way of hinting she would like your relationship to move on? Then, depending on your replies, if she interpreted them as you not being interested in marriage, compounded by you both attending two weddings recently, might she be feeling as if you are on different pages regarding your mutual future?

Also, perhaps her admitting she is a difficult person to have a relationship with (apologies for paraphrasing) is her way of saying that she can't explain her feelings properly, and needs time to think it through, and whether her doubts are justified enough to finish with you.

If you haven't given her a solid indication that she definitely is 'the one' for you (again dependent on your response to the 'wedding jokes') she may simply not know where she stands with you.

Hope you have had some positive contact in the meantime, you sound like a nice bloke.

Hey, I'm a teeny bit jealous, Marmite!
Under different names I started two separate threads at different times here not terribly long ago because I genuinely wanted to talk about what are for me two really sad and important personal issues and I wanted to see what other women might think. I suppose I thought I am a reasonably nice, sincere guy and absolutely genuine.
But although the threads started off not too badly it wasn't long before things went from bad to worse and I ended up getting slashed to ribbons on both these threads! I was quite shocked and taken aback by the hostility and criticism I received from some ladies. The view of some was clearly that I must be one of the most horrible guys who'd ever walked the face of the earth.
So maybe I am.... just finding it a bit hard to believe/accept. I must have come across really badly anyway. It seems it's far easier for women to hate me than like me No sympathy for me!
I can't possibly tell you what the threads were about but I'll never ask a question here again! I'd be far too scared.
Mind you, I didn't have a nice cosy name like Marmite!

Sorry Marmite... just diverting myself while we wait in suspense. It's late now!
Sincerely hope it went well, but even if it did, the fact she can keep you waiting for days not knowing whether you're coming or going is a sobering thought. I know a little about such situations.

It happens a lot pdfan - don't feel bad. I think Marmite's got away with it because he hasn't actually said very much so the people that resent men being on here haven't got much to latch on to. Your style is a bit more verbose.

Plus, you actually sound like you are looking for sympathy and a lot of us spend all day mopping up children and giving sympathy, so we are a bit 'done' by the time we log on here!

.. I meant, we can give sympathy, but not if it's asked for in a particular way [I may just be speaking for myself here].

Well, pdfan, why not start another thread with lessons learnt from Marmite.

Use your current name and we'll all try and help.

Tip don't call us 'ladies'

You could do it here if you like ... doesn't look like Marmite's coming back. You have a captive audience! rushes to advance search

Good idea Xollob

C'mon pd, you're amongst friends, we can pass the time with you while we wait for OP to return with good news!

Have you had them deleted pdfan? If it's the same subject as KeepitHidden's I think you are going to always get jumped all over [bad choice of words] for that subject. Marmite's subject is less emotive.

Yes, unless you are being beaten up, financially controlled, emotionally or sexually abused, gaslighted, or cheated on, your children are nightmares or you or someone in your family have an illness you won't get much sympathy.

No, I wouldn't do it here..... not in the middle of a guy's thread! Never!
He'll be back tomorrow, I think, and tell you what happened. He's far too nice not to update you! He's either feeling very miserable or he's elated by now, I'd think.

You're a tiny bit right about maybe looking for a sympathetic listener. But it's not quite that. Tbh I seem to be often vaguely looking for a little feminine warmth and feel a shade lonely for that too. But that's bad bad bad!... cos I've been married for years and years! So I have a wife ok. In theory that should be enough.

But neither of the threads were about that anyway. I couldn't possibly resurrect them because people would soon remember.... and then bad things would happen....

It's almost certain Marmite will be on tomorrow. We must just be patient.