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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Male seeking advice

307 replies

Marmite77 · 24/09/2013 13:32

Hi.

I'd imagine this will be quite long and rambling so sorry in advance!

To say I'm a little confused is an understatement and I was hoping here might be the place to get some input/advice.

I have been seeing someone for almost a year. We get on brilliantly, never fight or argue (we had one row which was nonsense and we both apologised immediately afterwards) and have an amazing level of connection to the point where we say the same things unprompted all the time, her family really like me, all our friends like each of us etc. We have told each other we love each other and there has been talk of moving in together and building a life together which we were definitely starting to do.

I say were as yesterday events to an unexpected turn. On Saturday we had been at the wedding of two of my friends and had a great time including plenty to drink. Yesterday we were lying on the couch together watching trashy hangover tv when she said she was feeling down and was going to go home. I asked if she wanted me to come with her and she said no then said that something was wrong and something is missing between us. She had been behaving as normal all weekend and this came completely out of the blue.

She came round on Friday and within 15 minutes we were in bed together and had some great sex, afterwards she was saying how much she fancies me and we were saying we loved each other and embracing and all the good stuff which I only mention to show how we had been with each other before this happened.

Now she's saying she needs some space and wants a break and that she knows this isn't fair on me and she's sorry but needs to do it.

When we were talking about this before she left she said she loves me and fancies me and looks forward to seeing me and had a great time with me but something is missing and mentioned something from saturday night relating to something a friend of mine had said about loving her husband and not wanting to change anything about him and his comfort and happiness is all she concerned with (I had been joking about how it was nice to see him actually dressed well for once, this is a bit of a running joke, I wasn't being a dick) and how she could see how my friend utterly adored him and she didn't know if we had that. This is a couple who have been together for over 10 years and to me the kind of emotion she was referring to is something which develops as a relationship progresses and becomes more long term.

She has said in the past that she can be a difficult person to have a relationship with but I have seen little evidence of this and I genuinely thought this was the woman I was going to be with.

I will have missed loads out and this is probably all over the place as my head is pretty messed up today so please feel free to ask me any questions you would like and all responses are greatly appreciated.

In short I don't know what is going on and I'm deeply confused!

OP posts:

Lazyjaney · 02/10/2013 00:14

Prediction time for Marmite anyone?

I reckon there will be no conclusion except an extension of needing space, and she will be carrying on stringing him along. I'd like to be wrong, but....

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2013 00:16

Patient?! I don't do patient! I want instant gratification!

Xollob · 02/10/2013 00:21

Marmite won't mind - he probably won't be back. New posters often forget to come back and update.

Thing is pdfan, if you are feeling a bit lonesome in your marriage, it's unlikely that any of us being sympathetic on here can fundamentally alter how you feel right now - because it just won't be enough to fill that gap. Have you two had marriage counselling or anything like that?

pdfan · 02/10/2013 00:21

They both got so bad and violent that they both got deleted. It was all out of my hands, like a whirlwind.
I never even got a chance to reread carefully some of the good advice and opinions I got. Some people had spent time writing to help me but it all got thrown away. I must have been reported - twice!.. I think. I never understood what happened. No proper explanation was given to me as to why they suddenly disappeared.

Xollob · 02/10/2013 00:23

I don't think she'll string him on any more. I think he was good enough judge of character (if a bit on the forgiving side) to have sussed her out by now if that is what she is like.

Xollob · 02/10/2013 00:25

How do things get 'violent' on-line pdf?

Probably a positive thing they got deleted if they weren't constructive.

pdfan · 02/10/2013 00:31

Yes Xollob, we did a while ago. My wife is very happy, I think. It's just me that feels a lack of something. I wish I didn't. I won't explain any more here.
I don't think much of myself wanting feminine warmth from someone who isn't my wife. For a start, I'd rather be stronger than that! And now I'm best to say no more about things I shouldn't want... far too dangerous! I'm always weaker and more emotional late at night. So goodnight!

pdfan · 02/10/2013 00:33

They got violent because I was being called all the names under the sun by some and being accused of God knows what... It got really nasty.

Xollob · 02/10/2013 00:41

Pdf I'd name change and start another thread. Mimic Marmite's approach though by keeping it factual, not too emotional, definitely not whiny, no 'ladies' or 'feminine warmth'. Better than that, talk to your wife without or without professional external help. Good night.

MagzFarqharson · 02/10/2013 01:10

Well said Xollob , hadn't realised it was a 'my wife doesn't understand me' situation.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2013 07:09

For the love of all things holy marmite!

mrsmindcontrol · 02/10/2013 08:03

Noooooo!!! Nooooooo!!!
This situation is the equivalent of reading a 12,000 page novel only to find the last two pages missing when you get to the end.

Maybe today should be the day I get myself a life.

Hope you're ok OP.

missbopeep · 02/10/2013 08:15

Patience ladies...

they weren't meeting until last night .

If he's very upset MN will be the last thing on his mind.
He might also feel shame faced if it turns out we were 'right' about her motives.

On other hand he might still be shagging her senseless and it's all wedding bells.

Xollob · 02/10/2013 09:33

Do you think it's too early to start a national 'What happened Marmite' billboard campaign or viral twitter campaign then Missbopeep? .

It worries me though - if he didn't recognise that he had us on the edge of our seats and that to not update immediately would be nothing short of cruel, has he read her correctly?

missbopeep · 02/10/2013 09:36

we could do....

I take your point but I think guys maybe see support here slightly differently- take what they need and no requirement to come back.

IME of MN there are often posters who suck you dry for support then don't update- it can be a thankless task being an unpaid agony aunt!

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2013 09:43

I am simply not prepared to countenance the idea that he won't come back.

Xollob · 02/10/2013 11:55

I hope he realises, if he comes back, that there is genuine concern and that we are not just rubber necking. He may just think we are very sad people with no lives - the reality is that I have a million things to do today but this damn thread keeps running and running.

You don't think this is another 'I want to lick my boss's chest' do you? I always fall for those.

Xollob · 02/10/2013 12:07

PMd him . So ashamed of myself, but I can't bear the suspense any longer.

pdfan · 02/10/2013 12:27

Don't be ashamed! Excellent idea.
Once we know what's happened we can get on with updating ourselves with what's going on in Syria, the stand off in America over the Healthcare legislation, the Tory party conference, Man U's game tonight.... just as long as he hasn't killed himself...! (A very silly joke )
But let's find out about this first!

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2013 12:41

I have never rubber necked on a thread before like this. But I am genuinely interested in how he got on and hope that he is ok.

I considered the PM thing too!!

Xollob · 02/10/2013 13:07

BitOutOfPractice PM as well then - makes me look less of an idiot! [sorry Marmite]

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2013 16:15

I don't think you can PM from an iPad

But I am tapping my foot here. BF asked about it this afternoon.

Marmite the world is waiting!

BitOutOfPractice · 03/10/2013 10:54

Tut

Xollob · 03/10/2013 11:57

I think it's probably bad news, in which case Marmite's whole future suddenly looks different I doubt he wants to come back to talk to a bunch of strangers when he's just lost the woman he thought was perfect.

Marmite, if you are lurking but not posting - I hope things are alright. I'm sure we have all been there at some stage and though it doesn't feel like it now, it will pass.

missbopeep · 03/10/2013 12:08

I suspect he feels a plonker if it's gone belly up.

But be nice just to have a line to say thanks for the support and let us know how he is.

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