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Original poster

Dumped - not 'spiritual' enough

269 replies

redundantandbitter · 24/09/2013 00:11

A month ago When DP went to 'healing' camp he loved me .. When he came back he had experienced a 'spiritual awakening' and has recently said he feels the need to end it all with me, after 4 years, to start a relationship with a yoga teacher... Yeah it would be funny if it was a Victoria Wood sketch.. Unfortunately it's my life. I absolutely adore the man. He freely admits he loves me but HAS to follow this path as he feels he has met her in a previous life and its destiny. He can't see that having a lot in common with someone is called co-incidence. We don't live together, he's 43yrs , and in a very pressured front line job. We have always been very close emotionally, loving, great sex, besotted, tactile. I genuinely can't see where I went wrong...

OP posts:
Original poster
redundantandbitter · 28/09/2013 23:10

mistlethrush thanks for asking... Think
I will hook up with a friend for a rally (controversial!) tomorrow... And another friend is having a break
Up so will try and see her in the aft. Collect my DDs at 5pm. House is full of dog hair and fridge empty as I feel like I'm in suspended animation- difficult to do the household chores. DP had just emailed me to say 'hi honey, how are you, wondering what you are doing?'. Er WTF? Busy ignoring you!!! No I won't reply , I am going to start reading a book that someone recommended... 'Women who
Love too much' and pretend I haven't seen the email. Breathe... Hope you have a good day planned for tomorrow? X

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 28/09/2013 23:47

He's a long way from grasping that he can't have both of you, isn't he? You've told him where you stand and he's still trying to keep you in the frame. Hard for you, as you so much want this not to be happening, but the man you thought you knew isn't the one who could throw you over for a 'spiritual awakening'. He has to get on with it, and that means not having you in his life. Best place to start is here, with no response to his pestering. He can keep his guilt and pity (cheeky sod) to himself, he lost the right to 'connect' with you when he did what he did. Keep the deep breaths and focus strong, you're doing grand.

Original poster
redundantandbitter · 29/09/2013 08:39

Unfortunately he did have both me and Ex W for a good 18 months so I have form for sticking around in stupid painful situations when I should have bailed and protected my self esteem. Now I know better, though I did tell him
I will always be here (panic made me say it) .. But now I am digging in and not prepared for that level of pain. It's crappy and destructive. I actually felt scarred after the last time. I can't let him poke about in my heart for much longer. Grrrr. Thanks enjoy your Sunday x

OP posts:
CruCru · 29/09/2013 08:53

Definitely ignore.

Chibbs · 29/09/2013 10:15

he sounds an utter tit op! you o the other hand sound just fab!

noddyholder · 29/09/2013 10:44

He does sound awful but I can't help feeling if a man wrote this post he would be getting a lot more grief over the initial affair I think in this scenario you do have to just walk away and look after yourself because neither of you have acted fairly in the past

Original poster
redundantandbitter · 29/09/2013 10:56

Yeah was just saying to my mum that what we did in the first place was wrong and painful for all people involved. But I have learnt from that.. Never EVER again. But DP obviously hasn't. He thinks by ending it with me before starting new relationship that its ok. In reality the mental emotional relationship has already begun with her. Believe me I will never entertain the thought of being a third party again. Lesson learned.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 29/09/2013 10:57

It is a hard lesson but from an outside POV he has done the right thing by ending it first. You can do better.

FrancescaBell · 29/09/2013 15:47

You'd have to be as green as the green, green grass if you read this story and thought he'd done the right thing by ending it first. Rather, he's done what he did before and sampled an alternative life before ditching the old one. He's just getting quicker at it, if it took him 18 months of seeing the OP before he left his wife. It's completely obvious the new relationship was sexual from the off, while he was still allegedly committed to the OP. I think the fact that it was a 'retreat' is blinding the OP and others to the reality of this. If we replaced 'mystic wanker' for 'salesman' and 'retreat' for 'residential sales conference in a hotel' I doubt there'd be this naivety and delusion.

noddyholder · 29/09/2013 16:03

I am not green at all far from it :) but he has moved a few rungs up the evolutionary scale this time by actually not being with both. His infidelity is obvious but he has a history of this and the OP knew when she spent 18 months with another woman's husband what sort of lines they were prepared to cross to get what they wanted. There is no innocent party here

Original poster
redundantandbitter · 29/09/2013 16:23

Yes, you're right. He must have slept with her already. Disappointing as our love life was damn hot and bit pains me to think he was to quick to jump into another persons bed. Ouch. Yes, he's getting quicker at ditching, no kids/mortgage/marriage vows to make him
Question his actions. So it's out with the old and in with the bright shiny new yours teacher. Urgh .

OP posts:
FrancescaBell · 29/09/2013 16:27

Yes, you're right. But I do think there has been an overlap here and that it was sexual and not just emotional. It's just the time span was shorter this time. I doubt that's because he's moved up the evolutionary scale though and is more to do with the fact that the OP would have been able to spot the tell-tale signs more than his wife ever could- and so he wouldn't have been able to get away with another double-life for as long as he did before.

It seems implausible to me that a man this selfish and so up his own arse, would ever do anything altruistic.

FrancescaBell · 29/09/2013 16:31

Sorry - my post was to Noddy.

One of the biggest myths OP is that a man won't have an affair if his sex life is satisfying. It's like saying that no-one has a pudding when he is full. Some people don't have a saturation point and they just want more and different that's all. Especially drama llama egoists.

noddyholder · 29/09/2013 16:42

I think the overlap is part of who he is Its how he operates and puts himself first.

FrancescaBell · 29/09/2013 16:43

Completely agree.

noddyholder · 29/09/2013 16:43

I was just referring initially to the double standards. If a man came on here and said he met his wife when she was still in another relationship and they dallied about for 18 months and now his wife has met someone else there would be a lot more What do you expect?

FrancescaBell · 29/09/2013 17:05

I think you're probably right, although to be fair to the OP in her most recent posts, she isn't being defensive about her past behaviour and comes across as flawed, but likeable. Bar a strange snarky post about Mystic Man's ex-wife having the temerity to associate with another man years after her husband left her (clutches pearls) Wink, she's taken a lot of this on the chin and seems to accept that what she did before was wrong.

But like you say, it's not a case of 'Who Knew?' is it?

I do feel frustrated with women who think that replacing another woman solves a cheating man's personality. There are two women in this story who've made that mistake.

It's old advice, but if a man's prepared to treat one woman like shit, it's the triumph of hope over experience that he'll make an exception for you, even if you make it your business to be a sexual goddess.

The women are interchangeable and their personal qualities, irrelevant.

The only constant and unchanged bit of the scenery is the cheating man.

No woman, however beautiful, sexually skilled, rich, clever or spiritual has it in her power to control a bad man's behaviour. Only he can do that.

Makemineamalibuandpineapple · 29/09/2013 17:08

This is why you should never get together with someone who leaves their partner for you. The inevitable has happened I'm afraid. Once a cheater always a cheater.

noddyholder · 29/09/2013 17:17

I feel sorry for his ex wife of 15 years and his dds and what the OP refers to as their house ,dogs and life all the 'day to day dreary stuff'. That was their life which you 2 destroyed so I am aghast tbh at all the sympathy/empathy here

FrancescaBell · 29/09/2013 17:40

Dunno about that 'once a cheater stuff'. I think people learn to adapt their behaviour because of consequences. So if they get kicked out as soon as they cheat, or they get told to fuck off when the affair hasn't worked out and they want to come back, those are consequences. Even in couples who try again, if the betrayed one insists on the other one owning his shit and refuses to take the blame or any responsibility for his behaviour- doesn't cover up for him and makes him do all the work to restore the relationship, those are consequences.

What I do know though is that no-one changes if the only consequence is a new partner who believes all that shit about my wife didn't understand me/you are my soulmate and it was written in the stars and they certainly don't change if a woman is willing to hang around while he chooses one woman over the other.

But yes, I feel sorry for the ex-wife and kids too, on many levels. I do feel (not as much) sorrow for the OP though, because she isn't the first woman to think that competing with another woman for a dud prize is healthy- and unless women wise up and stop trying to outdo eachother in this way, she won't be the last.

Original poster
redundantandbitter · 29/09/2013 18:59

Ouch ladies...fully accept previous shit behaviour.. Yes I feel for ExW in that she has lost security husband etc.. But she freely admitted she never loved him and all his family and friends could say was 'why didn't you leave earlier'. IMHO he should have been man enough to NOT marry her in first place. They wasted a lot of each others time playing games etc. sure there would have been better suited to other people. And referring to EXW having a dalience - good on her - my only issue was it was at camp with the kids ... But sure she was adult about it. She told my DP and he told me. God knows why everyone has to tell each others their tittle tattle. More game playing. And I think i Meant that me, EXW and new lady ALL have the day to do kids, dogs, house dreary stuff. My point is its real life and not spirit camp. Same shit different women. Trust me, never again. Sorry to have let the side down.

OP posts:
Retroformica · 29/09/2013 19:30

Reading your posts I have a very strange feeling that he will make a U turn. If everything was as good as you say it was, he will probably come to his senses once he realises all that glitters isn't gold. . Wether you will take him back is another matter.

Original poster
redundantandbitter · 29/09/2013 19:58

Tbh some of the more harsh words posted on here are the ones that I realise I will repeat to myself and to him should we ever speak again. I am ashamed of all the time wasted and hurt inflicted on our ex's. I have never been involved with an affair or even known anyone in the same boat so was completely naiive. He should be ashamed of this spiritual crap when really it's just a case of 'I fancy summat new'. Well off you go, just wish yoga teacher could see into the future instead of the past. She might think twice.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 29/09/2013 22:49

Redundant... I presume the DCs are back with you now - and you are back to work for 4 days this week.

What is your slightly more long-term project - what are you going to 'do' to give yourself purpose, particularly when the DC are not with you?

Original poster
redundantandbitter · 29/09/2013 23:13

mistlethrush.. Thank you ...Dc's are back ... So
Pleased to see them.. Weekends been sooooo long. The nights can't come quick enough. Now DP and yoga lady are all over FB 'liking' each others photos. I will
Stop looking when I stop vomiting. He's a creep. Had the temerity to email me last night and tell me he was not getting much sleep. ... All that shagging I expect. I didn't respond. So .. To answer your question honestly .. I don't know. .. I am a bit lost .. There's always cleaning isn't there. Tricky expecting friends to always be at the end of the phone. It's a case of muddling on through like most folk I expect. This thread has been a lifeline to me this week. Some home truths and friendly advice and really caring messages. Cheers x

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