Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped - not 'spiritual' enough

269 replies

redundantandbitter · 24/09/2013 00:11

A month ago When DP went to 'healing' camp he loved me .. When he came back he had experienced a 'spiritual awakening' and has recently said he feels the need to end it all with me, after 4 years, to start a relationship with a yoga teacher... Yeah it would be funny if it was a Victoria Wood sketch.. Unfortunately it's my life. I absolutely adore the man. He freely admits he loves me but HAS to follow this path as he feels he has met her in a previous life and its destiny. He can't see that having a lot in common with someone is called co-incidence. We don't live together, he's 43yrs , and in a very pressured front line job. We have always been very close emotionally, loving, great sex, besotted, tactile. I genuinely can't see where I went wrong...

OP posts:
Original poster
redundantandbitter · 27/09/2013 20:00

Thanks ... Still breathing... Not helped by bloody Barry Manilow whistling and singing 'you know I can't smile without you' on the radio... Arghhh ... Breathe in, eat chocolate, breath out, eat more chocolate ...

OP posts:
cjel · 27/09/2013 20:12

choclate, chocolate,chocolate, I always have a good cry on sunday if I catch sound of the seventies or tony blackburn has a relevant year on his programme!!!!

Original poster
redundantandbitter · 27/09/2013 20:35

garlicbaguette thanks for the baggage reclaim link... I read it... Ok I appear to be displaying seriously TYPICAL behaviour.. I have cut all contact though... And I figure we both need the time to rest/think. Have stopped following him on twitter. Not tempted to go round and read his diary (again) even though I have a key to his house... Am
Keeping away .... Breathe ....step away .., he does care , just not enough

OP posts:
CupOCoffee · 27/09/2013 22:30

Do you mean you let yourself into his house and read his diary?

Original poster
redundantandbitter · 28/09/2013 00:32

Well... I didn't set out to.. I didn't even know he had one... He knew I was dropping by... I picked up a book and it was a diary...Oh god, I realise how loopy it sounds., yeah not proud.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 28/09/2013 00:35

Look, this man is an utter whanger and it IS over, and that;s a good thing. But what you need now is to find something else to do with your time and energy and emotion, something that is not a relationship with a man. Because it sounds like your last relationship was crap as well and two crap relationships in a row means you need to spend some time concentrating on you, not on making a man love you and stay with you. Whether it's sport, art, history, animal welfare, charity work or political campaigning, you need to find the thing you really care about and spend your time on that.

Original poster
redundantandbitter · 28/09/2013 01:07

Received

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 28/09/2013 05:44

He kept a diary? How did he find the time? And perhaps he meant you to read it, if he left it out and it was full of spiritual stuff he feels he needs to be read by someone who will admire his looking into his soul. Forget it.

Make yourself forget about him and try to do something that you do, like netball and make some pals at the same time, or tennis, something that keeps you fit and has a social life.

Not navel gazing or walking alone where you have too much time to think and stew about him.

CupOCoffee · 28/09/2013 09:08

No it doesn't sound loopy.

nkf · 28/09/2013 09:15

Sounds like he joined a cult. My ex did this. I wish h hadn't tried to rescue him. Let him go. It's hard nut hearts mend.

TSSDNCOP · 28/09/2013 09:27

Ooh a diary. If you read it you should be utterly ashamed at raiding his private thoughts. Then agin, fuck it, he's so busy mooning about he forgot about it. Is it full of complete and utter wanktastic moony bollocks insight and wisdom.

Either way, your previous posts are interesting with regard to not enjoying spending time alone. Every single woman I know who's clung on to an utter wankspanner has done so because at least in part they didn't like to be alone. Everyone in their orbit is like "why, WHY are you wasting oxygen on that bell-ended twit" whilst the woman in question tries to breathe life into the dead horse of a relationship.

Go to the pictures, go for a walk, go and ring those friends who are outraged and your behalf and get utterly smashed. But for gods sake don't let this yogary naval gazer suck anymore of your life up.

Lazyjaney · 28/09/2013 09:31

I'll bet the accidentally found diary was deliberate.

OP you have to go cold turkey on this relationship. Just throw yourself into doing something else, break all communication, throw away all things like keys to houses, stuff he can come and collect, etc etc.

noddyholder · 28/09/2013 09:37

Did you get together as an affair?

cjel · 28/09/2013 09:40

How you doing this morning?

Original poster
redundantandbitter · 28/09/2013 10:33

Re diary... It's a new thing... Only a few pages ... Tbh most if it was just nice comments about the times wed had from the start if the summer holiday.. Then it stops and says "I just can't do this anymore". ANYWAY .. I have cut all communication (promise) ..I dumped his stuff back ages ago...that seemed to confuse him... Am exercising, getting out, eating is tricky, am seeing people . It's bloody hard being told by everyone that he's a knob. Yes it started as an affair , spent lots of time having to do things by myself (including 2 surgical procedures) and am
Pretty independent. Didn't rely on him to do much.. Just really enjoyed his company and the excellent physical and sexual spark. All this is making me feel like I was a wet lettuce or some sort of ball and chain , but it wasn't as far I remember. I can only guess he was tired of it . Our last weekend together was just lovely. Yeah, no denying , still fed up.

OP posts:
ZZZenagain · 28/09/2013 10:46

under the circumstances I find it understandable to read his diary. I might tell him about a wonderful vision I had meditating and it showed me shrugging off a dirty cloak and walking into sparkling sunlight

and how I how feel great about the break up because something wonderful lies ahead for me. Let him choke on i5

cjel · 28/09/2013 11:02

understand you feeling he wasn't that bad, I still get defensive when people who didn't know us as a couple slag him off. He did do all the horrid things they've heard but I wouldn't have been with him 35 years if he was complete bastard!! I find I can still love him and cherish what we did have without having to like him and want him back!!

Viviennemary · 28/09/2013 11:08

I must say this would massively put me off anybody. I think you're well rid of him. Spiritual awakening. Hmm. Another one to add to the list of excuses of 'why I still love you but am leaving anyway'. Hmm

JohFlow · 28/09/2013 11:20

How spiritual is it to not nurture those around him and recognise your potential as a partner and as a woman. You are more than adequate. And should you be worried about your spirituality - a partner who is more in tune with you would be an asset. Don't waste another minute thinking where YOU went wrong. If you are drifting apart it due to him. I would be telling him that although you have feelings - you believe that you have a higher purpose than the life you have with him now. Freedom could be just what you need.

Original poster
redundantandbitter · 28/09/2013 11:40

Cheers. Yeah, not really considered my spirituality .. I just try to be a good , kind person. Ok I admit I am leaning in friends at the moment but they are being patient. cjel 35 years is a long time! My word... I feel like I have been out through a mangle and flattened and wrung out.. God knows how you felt after 35 years! You sound so kind and happy. Yes, I will remember the good times and last time I saw him we jokingly talked through the past 4 years.. Some of the ridiculous stuff we've done .. And the nice stuff.. But he just kept bursting into tears. Spineless lump . I spoke to a male friend last night who says OF COURSE he has already slept with yoga teacher (DP days he hasn't).. Friend says no bloke would give up an important loving relationship on the promise of something. He's tasted the goods already . Marvellously mindful. Not.

OP posts:
LividofLondon · 28/09/2013 17:45

How's your day been Redundant? You OK?

Lavenderhoney · 28/09/2013 19:52

Your mate sounds nice and obviously cares about you enough to say it straight:) that might sound odd, but you can be too nice! Its ok to get angry.

I hope you are ok and not buying into your ex dp waffle. You are worth more than that and he is relying on your good nature. Be your own best friend and make yourself believe that.

cjel · 28/09/2013 19:59

If that gives you hope that after 35 yrs(we were 16!) I am 2 years on and really really content on my own without dramas then my posts have been worthwhileSmile

Original poster
redundantandbitter · 28/09/2013 22:23

lividoflondon thanks for asking... It's hard without the routine of kids... A free day sounds good but it's not if you're free -falling.. I went out... And tonight saw a lovely mate who's bloke dumped her this week (though it turns out he isn't answering her calls as he is snowed under at work!). Am coming to terms with the spiritual nonsense .., its just a rouse .. But the worrying thing is that he believes it. Well, I have to Seperate from his world and live in my world . One or two Of my friends are going through shit so it's mine turn to listen to them. It's only fair. cjel glad you are happy - no dramas? Quiet life is the way forward!!

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 28/09/2013 22:32

He believes it because it gives him an excuse... I love redundant but my 'spiritual' partner is knotable'. Utter claptrap. I'm not dissing the importance of things like meditation etc - its just his take on it. Its still all about 'me' for him.

So, what have you got planned for tomorrow and when do the kids get back?

Swipe left for the next trending thread