Dumped - not 'spiritual' enough

[redundantandbitter]

A month ago When DP went to 'healing' camp he loved me .. When he came back he had experienced a 'spiritual awakening' and has recently said he feels the need to end it all with me, after 4 years, to start a relationship with a yoga teacher... Yeah it would be funny if it was a Victoria Wood sketch.. Unfortunately it's my life. I absolutely adore the man. He freely admits he loves me but HAS to follow this path as he feels he has met her in a previous life and its destiny. He can't see that having a lot in common with someone is called co-incidence. We don't live together, he's 43yrs , and in a very pressured front line job. We have always been very close emotionally, loving, great sex, besotted, tactile. I genuinely can't see where I went wrong...

[Rummikub]

He is a twat, pure and simple. Don't waste anymore energy on him. Use it on yourself to recover and move on. This is harsh but he has form for this type of behaviour, he didnt love you enough. He is not confused. You did not do anything wrong. This will take awhile to sink in as it came out of the blue. Please get angry with him and cut him out of your life.

[ButterMyArse]

He's dressing up his need to go and shag someone else in a cloak of spiritual guff.

I bet he'll be disappointed when he finds out that underneath her flowing garments and her chi, Yoga Teacher is just a normal person like the rest of us, who owns grey granny pants and worries about bills and has hair that clogs the drain.

I know it's easy to say this but you're well rid, OP.

[bragmatic]

Let's see how spiritual he thinks his new partner is when she farts in the downward dog.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Your well rid. My abusive ex was 'spiritual' as was his awful mum. In fact it was a mask to conceal the fact they are both twats.
Yoga teacher , if she knows about you, is a twat too.

[rootypig]

he's 43yrs , and in a very pressured front line job.

Christ, this could have been my dad at this age, his choice of cult was Anthony Robbins . A friend's DF found religion (after using sex workers - or rather, getting caught using sex workers).

My point is, it's a mid life crisis. Not his first, by the sounds of it.

Re you both leaving your partners previously. A writer I like, Pema Chodron, says don't let yourself fall apart - the next time it will be easier. Shades of that here. Leaving his partner has quite possibly become his vehicle for coping with emotional strife.

(Pema is great, by the way, American Buddhist monk but don't let that put you off. She recounts her husband telling her of his infidelity, and reaching for a rock to chuck at him. She is somewhat Mumsnet, I think).

I know it will be hard because of all you've gone through and invested for this relationship, but let him fuck off with this yoga teacher. Don't be tempted to stay to make the last four years worth it. You'll only lose another four. Your life will be better without his emotional crap in it. You will have so much more energy for yourself.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

The only yoga teacher I know personally is a total twunt who smells. It's a sample of one, to be fair.

[Lazyjaney]

Hold on a minute...on MN the mantra is to tell your DP first that you want out, before embarking on the next relationship. Whether it's spiritual discovery or "it's not you, it's me" or whatever is irrelevant.

By these standards this guy has done all the right things, yet is still being called a cunt, twat, manipulative etc by the selfsame people. No wonder most people just get on with affairs, if you're going to be hung it may as well be for the whole sheep.

Yes it's hurtful, but both OP and DP are independent agents, there is no marriage, they don't even live together! This reminds me of my teenage years, and I'm sure the OP will survive.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'Spiritual Awakening'? .... well it's original. I'm sorry it's over but, if you don't live together after 4 years, that's probably because he was always keeping his options open

[saferniche]

You've been released by the Universe to enjoy something more nourishing Don't feel sad, feel lucky. In fact, feel blessed. May I suggest a laughing meditation?

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

"By these standards this guy has done all the right things, yet is still being called a cunt, twat, manipulative etc by the selfsame people."

He's being called a cunt because he sounds like a total knobber.

You can do everything by the book and still be an objectionable, pretentious, arrogant bellend.

I think most of us are saying he's done her a massive favour with his latest "spiritual awakening".

[jobwoes]

Intrigued to know what your (ex) 'D' P does for a living, OP. Second everybody who's said he's a knob and you're well-rid, and sorry this is happening to you.

[MadBusLady]

That would mean his crap 'unspiritual' actions were affecting my ability to be a good person.

Please don't confuse "good person" with "martyr". Don't stay friends with him and don't listen to him ramble on trying to justify himself. It's over. Time for you to have a bit of healing now. He gave up his right to emotional support from you when he decided to run off with Mrs Downward Dog.

[ageofgrandillusion]

So what does he do Op? Is he a copper?

[EugenesAxe]

Wow! What a tit. Move on, move on. My first love (strike that, I didn't love him just thought he was a good kisser) dumped me because his Christian councillors were worried I was exposing him to demons or something. Fortunately I was only 16 and had rhino hide instead of skin, so when he told me I just gave a little chuckle and said 'OK then, fair enough.'

He requested to be friends with me on FB; his posts are the dullest ever things and he is, really, quite a prat. I know his wife and she's lovely, clever and sensible; I kind of think she must feel embarrassed by him sometimes.

[Matildathecat]

Different angle here. My SIL went in a similar 'camp' a few years back, run by a Korean group. She knew the leader as shed been going to her classes for a while.

Anyway, this camp was a total brainwash and SIL was horrified. She actually injured herself badly on the first day but was convinced to return the next day without treatment. She is NOT the vulnerable type. She did on the second day find the strength to leave but saw a lot of others getting sucked in. They wanted money, btw. We never found out how many signed up but they were incredibly persuasive.

She had ruptured her Achilles' tendon and was in a boot for months.

So, just saying that it's possible something similar is going on here.

Hope you sort things out.

[redundantandbitter]

Thanks for the posts.., it stops me contacting him... I feel
Like a deer in the headlights.., standing horrified and saying WTF? He's not being brain washed but I DO think
He wants it up be like camp all the time... Like a holiday romance... But she is like me..., 2 kids, single parent, wrong side of 40, she will be juggling jobs, childcare, money etc like the rest of us. And he doesn't like with me coz he needs to be within walking distance of his kids and supports ex wife with ongoing health issues. It means we plan ahead and are keen to see each other, don't watch TV.. Just talk and enjoy the intimacy. It's such a shame . He's a complete fool. Poo

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Is he a counsellor or a vicar?

[redundantandbitter]

So,, he has emailed me... All light hearted.. Kind of.. Speaking but not saying anything as is normal.. Says it's "been a privilege to know me... Carrys me with him.., I know him
Better than anyone.. Calls himself 'the ditherer'' .." , dont worry, not responding. Will wait for him to get a bit lonelier

[Yougotbale]

You didn't do anything wrong. If he wants to move on, he can, it's his choice. Although, that doesn't make it easier for you. It sounds like you weren't suited. This will work out better for you in the long run

[FunnyRunner]

I'm interested that you've only just reached a 'calm place' together in the last few months ie no more drama. So he's gone and created some! He seems to love a bit of drama

Steer well clear. Do not engage, even when you ignoring him lures him back. This man will keep destroying things (including his own happiness and yours) until he gets to the bottom of how he's behaving. You can't make him do that.

I imagine he's a counsellor / psychotherapist or similar.

[EachAndEveryHighway]

Not much to add, because everyone else has said it all so articulately!

And you're right ... away from the peaceful yoga retreat atmosphere, he'll find he'll have entered a realm as chaotic and frantic as the one he has left behind, (no offence meant redundant, that's just the reality of life innit juggling work, childcare, housework, relationships and free-time fun things) and will probably end up regretting it, not that you should consider getting back with him if / when he does

[Dahlen]

Lazy - I think TBF the reason the OP's X is getting such a hard time is because his excuse is just so incredibly 'wet'. Not to diss yoga or any other form of spirituality, but it does sound like naval-gazing of the highest order based on what the OP has said.

But you're right. It's always better to end one relationship before embarking on another - assuming that is what he's done.

OP, I know it doesn't feel like it now, but IMO you've had a lucky escape. Anyone who was truly in love with you would not have had their head swayed at a healing camp. If he has, he is either easily influenced or never really loved you in the first place. Both may hurt now, but once you're over it you will have a far happier life without him.

[redundantandbitter]

Easily influenced.., campfires..late at night... I can imagine how good that is.. But it makes me look at what I have...and not what I haven't...

[Dahlen]

Possibly an indication that you're perspectives on life are somewhat incompatible. His kind of fault-finding with his current life when presented with something shiny and new does not make for easy companionship.

[redundantandbitter]

Funny runner - i put it to him that it feels like we have just reached a calm rooted place and he has picked up the snow globe and shook it hard... Just to create a storm. .. He didn't like that ... But it crossed my mind. His ex W was always in a crisis/drama of some sort or another.. Not sure if he's just used to it. Drives me nuts.