Dumped - not 'spiritual' enough

[redundantandbitter]

A month ago When DP went to 'healing' camp he loved me .. When he came back he had experienced a 'spiritual awakening' and has recently said he feels the need to end it all with me, after 4 years, to start a relationship with a yoga teacher... Yeah it would be funny if it was a Victoria Wood sketch.. Unfortunately it's my life. I absolutely adore the man. He freely admits he loves me but HAS to follow this path as he feels he has met her in a previous life and its destiny. He can't see that having a lot in common with someone is called co-incidence. We don't live together, he's 43yrs , and in a very pressured front line job. We have always been very close emotionally, loving, great sex, besotted, tactile. I genuinely can't see where I went wrong...

He's had his head turned by a woman who's more bendy than you. Dressing it up as a need for more spirituality is very shallow.

Funny that Mistlethrush suggested guided walks as I was going to suggest that too. Redundant, if you like walking and need company I can thoroughly recommend getting out on a walk with the Ramblers for a few hours. I absolutely love them and have found them a great help when I've needed a mental break from life shit. It really clears my head getting out in the country with sociable people and just being able to switch off for a while
www.ramblers.co.uk/walksfinder/search.php

If you can take the dog, even better - dogs are a great way to be conversation openers.

Thanks for the ideas... Dog is old, deaf and quite frankly a bit stupid so no training but I liked the thought. Rambling never considered but will look online .. Thanks ... As for him being distracted by someone more bendy .. I doubt it.. I'm an ex dancer. Still got it!! Nope it's the inner buttons she had pressed , said the right things and his head is spinning with hypnotherapy and this and that. And he's all excited about his future without even a backwards glance. Harsh .

Pfft then he's not worth worrying yourself about and please don't demean yourself thinking that he is worth even considering getting back together with. He's much too shallow to be worth it. Draw a line under it and work out how to enjoy yourself, create a life for yourself that you can live to the full.

Have you got a local RSPCA or Dogs Trust - what about volunteering to do some socialisation or dog walking?

Are there any adult education centres nearby that are running anything interesting? What about RHS places?

I am really busy.. Already got 2 jobs and I am a special constable which means I could just go round to his house and beat the hell of of him with my baton... No?

My God, he's like a Fast Show sketch:

'This is Brian, he's very spiritual'
[Enter leering bloke in flowing tunic]
'I'm sensing you have a very special aura, Jane'
[Brian strokes Jane's face in creepy manner]
Jane: " Er..."
'I'd really like to get to know you better, Jane, connect on a spiritual level'
[Jane runs away].

No seriously, I'm so sorry you're in this position. I suppose you're getting the endless messages because he knows on one level that he has been fickle and is chasing the new, for a sexual/romantic high. He can't admit to himself that he has been fickle and not a very good bloke so he is deluding himself with this spiritual, not in control stuff.

The interest in therapy is significant. There is a constituency of people really drawn to that as a means to have endless 'deep and meaningful' conversations about themselves, life, themselves, the universe and everything. And themselves, again. And are superior about it because apparently this means they are more thoughtful, and spiritual than the rest of us and living life on a higher plane. My mad SIL is one of them and your guy (can I call him Brian?) sounds like one too.

Just make sure you don't take him back when he tires of the yoga teacher.

I'm not quite sure that that is a good use of your special constable equipment - remember the bashing those PCs got for using their riot shields for sleding? However, under the circs I'm sure that no one would blame you

and beat the hell out of him with my baton
Sounds like a public service to me......

No to the baton...yes to CS spray. And spray a bit on his bell end while you're at it I bet that would sting a bit-

Ha! It's a thought!!! But the baton would be so much more satisfying no?

Taser him.

He is a self-obsessed, waffling knob, and you are better off without him. I mix in those kind of circles, and may even know the camp he want to (I went to the one that was just before it ). I can tell you from bitter experience at being involved with these kind of blokes that he has done this again, and will do it again in the future. i.e he will trade her in for some other poor lass who he 'feels a really really deep connection with' and who he 'just has to honour' by shagging her senseless and then talking about how they connect on so many levels, and it's like they have known each other always. Blah blah.

Massive sympathies, I feel for you so much. It is shit. But it will get better and you will meet someone nice and normal who isn't a selfish insecure cock. I promise.

Tbh it's her that has pressed his buttons with the connection thing I think.. But it takes two to tango. She's single, it's ok to flirt , he should have said no thanks . She fits with his idea of himself in the future. cold and calculsting. Sod's law he will marry her , just to piss me off. Hopefully she won't be that imaginative in bed.

Darling, I didn't mean to suggest you were failing in some way I'm sorry! It's just that YOU are the significant person here, and you have far better things to do with your energies than focusing on him - or on his absence, or the idiocy he is now displaying. I must have missed that he'd done this only a couple of years ago (or perhaps I overlooked it as too traumatic, heh.) He really is a prize twat! Let him float away on his vortex of self-avoidance. He'll whirl into a distant flurry of dust, I promise.

Some recommendations:

~ Dance. Put on some amazing music, clear a space round your tall mirror, and feel the dance :) Why not investigate dance classes and/or performance groups near you?

~ Visualise. If you have done 'cord cutting' before, make yourself comfortable and get out your special imaginary scissors. If this is new to you, google it. While you're there, look up detachment visualisations: there's a super one about a little boat, and other variations. Allocate five minutes every day to do this.

~ Meditate. I assume you do this. Go back to first principles. Just think about your breathing. Breathe in peace, breathe out love. Breathe in love, breathe out forgiveness. Breathe in forgiveness, breathe out peace. Do a 'body scan'. Love your body. Love your mind and spirit. You are surrounded by love. You are peaceful.

~ New-age therapy. Counsellors attached to alternative health/beauty centres can be fantastic at supporting you with things like detachment and path-finding. Best of all, they teach you to do it for yourself (is how I know this stuff!)

~ Proper therapy. It's a tiny bit worrying that someone as gorgeous as you feels lost without people around. It suggests you might need to see yourself reflected in others, and/or to reflect them. You could be suffering a bit of co-dependency. There are excellent books and websites about this, and many powerful Mumsnet threads. A qualified psychotherapist makes a great adjunct to them :)

~ Lovely things for you. Not what you think you should want, but little things that make you happy. Could be scented candles, making paella, planting for the Spring, trampolining, anything! One of mine is the automatic car wash Make list if you must. Do them!

~ www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/!

~ See if the dog can hear clicks. Why not?

garlicbaguette thanks.. I DO need practical advice/ shoving in the right direction. I won't always stare at my shoes sobbing.. It's just where I'm at now. Unfortunately I know him, this is not the end , there is more to come. So while I am anxious, I am also trying to galvanise my thoughts so when he does decide he's made me suffer in silence for long enough I can protect myself and know what I want. And it's not more if this being dragged around behind him. I will look up visualising techniques though and meditation though it feels a bit bitter at the mo. and hopefully the sun will keep shining this weekend as I have bulbs to plant. Is it not ok to want to have someone to love and treasure.. So many people I know seem to think its better to be on their own. Hmmm

You have a choice in the matter too - if you want this to be the end, make it so (and have a snigger at that too whilst you're at it). So what if he thinks there's more to come - move on, and leave him behind (at the bottom of a very slippery slope where he deserves to be) and don't throw out any lifelines to him. After all, he chose to leave - all you're doing is acknowledging that he's chosen to go in a completely different direction than the one that you thought you were going in together, its not one that suits you so move on.

Some sayings are clichés because they are true. One of those would be "If you don't love yourself, you can't love anybody else." This is at the core of my choice to stay solo, and very likely your friends' too.

Have you heard of Robin Norwood's old book, Women Who Love Too Much? It's about co-dependence. Very common. I could go on about this for months (and have, in old threads!) Of course everyone needs to love - and to be loved. You deserve to be loved at least as well as you love others. I used to joke about both of my XHs, the only thing we had in common was that we were both in love with him! Funny how my 'joke' turned out to be the reason I kept having weird relationships, huh

Think I may have to invest in the book. Thanks. I know things will change as the days go on. But blimey they are long... His birthday and out anniversary coming up soon. Milestones but hey. Keep busy. I will work on my insides too. Thanks x

The Robin Norwood book is very good.

Don't let your idea of her being 'calculating' detract what he has done. It is all him, she is irrelevant. Yes it's frustrating if she fed him what he wanted, but that will happen to everyone's partner at some time or another, and what makes an excellent DP is someone who shrugs and says 'No thanks, I'm in love and very happy, thanks' before walking away. Don't ever date someone again who has an empty vortex of swirling not-good-enough inside, because they will flirt and wheedle and wile their way through life, trying desperately to fill up the emptiness inside. And you will become a casualty of that - even though you haven't done anything wrong.

You say he's a nice person. Nice people don't treat the people that love them as he is treating you though - as commodities to make him happy.

Your partner is like an beautiful jellyfish being borne on the ocean currents through seas rich with experiences; transparent and lacking backbone.

I meant HE is calculating. I am sure she is lovely . Well, he tells me she is warm and a 'dynamo' and he is definitely attracted to highly energetic busy types - but they are hectic and draining too (his ex W). I was not really like that, hence not much to offer other than straightforward love and fruendship and good sex. He said he refused her advance....but he obviously mulled it over and revisited the idea. She fits into his bigger picture of future career etc. anyway....

I read " are you experienced " ( its about a backpacker, v funny) and he also goes to a camp thing in India, as he fancies a girl going. He noted that the guru or whatever he was discovered all the pretty girls " centre" was on their upper inner thighs and the others on their elbow:)

Hope you are ok, op, and not thinking about him too much. He doesn't deserve a nice person like you.

Cheers , deep breaths. Going through waves here... I'm
Ok, I'm not ok, Er.. having what can only be described as a mini panic attack in Aldi, and back to numb.. It's boring innit? Thinking of writing a stand up comedy sketch about shit 'spiritual' boyfriends... It's be good therapy!

Cool :) Your story idea, not the panic attack. Start it here?

Hope you bought yourself some of that fantastic 85% chocolate! Cocoa's a good serotonin precursor, you know that, don't you? I love a good excuse

How you doing ? did you get through Aldi Ok? keep breathing! breath out longer than you breath in!!