Dumped - not 'spiritual' enough

[redundantandbitter]

A month ago When DP went to 'healing' camp he loved me .. When he came back he had experienced a 'spiritual awakening' and has recently said he feels the need to end it all with me, after 4 years, to start a relationship with a yoga teacher... Yeah it would be funny if it was a Victoria Wood sketch.. Unfortunately it's my life. I absolutely adore the man. He freely admits he loves me but HAS to follow this path as he feels he has met her in a previous life and its destiny. He can't see that having a lot in common with someone is called co-incidence. We don't live together, he's 43yrs , and in a very pressured front line job. We have always been very close emotionally, loving, great sex, besotted, tactile. I genuinely can't see where I went wrong...

[mistlethrush]

'Backslide' !!!! If he slid any further down you could scrape him off the sole of your shoes. How on earth can he remotely think that you are a backsliding situation?

Oh - and I agree, he has shown absolutely zero 'mindfulness' too.

[ErrolTheDragon]

.."You can't alter which way the wind is blowing, but you can learn how to adjust your sails accordingly".

If he's going to use sailing analogies, he might need to be reminded that the most important of the 5 essentials is 'Course made good' .... you don't just go where the wind blows, you steer to get where you need to.

I'm not sure which brand of 'spirituality' he's adopted ... the core values of Buddhism are wisdom and compassion. And its about detachment from the self, not self-indulgent egocentricity.

R&B, you seem to show more true 'spirituality' than he does.

Dump him. He's not spiritual enough for you.

[lavenderhoney]

He's tweeting you! Stop following him on twitter and fb, and block him! Let him use yoga lady as an ear for all this self indulgent twaddle which when you sweep it aside, the blunt truth is he cheated on you. Dress it up in flowing talk and wafty clouds if you like, but its still the same.

Op, you sound very nice, but don't pander to him. If he feels bad- well, another boat one is " that ship has sailed, now leave me alone"

[Lazyjaney]

I actually think he did "the right thing" by breaking up with the OP first, but anyone spouting New Age crap to justify age old lust is a wanker.

Stop following him on Twitter OP, not just tom prevent hurt, but also to avoid crappy phaux philosophy

[TSSDNCOP]

To answer a question you posed a couple of posts ago, Honestly if it were a DC doing this you'd be all "FFS DD/DS, stop fuckarsing about with your dithery mooning and unload the dishwasher".

[echt]

Looked at objectively, the sailing metaphor is no different from similar advice given on MN, that you can't control what is done to you, but you can control how you react to it.

Another way is to see it him saying, hey, what the fuck, it's you, not me.

Whatever, I'd bin him for being a colossal new age twunt.

[echt]

Threepennies.

[SolidGoldBrass]

You are really much better off without this knob. I bet he was useless round the house as well and everything had to be on his terms.
Cut contact with him, block him on Twitter and Facebook and start enjoying your life without this boring wanker in it.

[ZZZenagain]

what I just don't like is that he is seemingly impervious to how this would hurt you. He may well be absorbed with his emotions, his destiny and his spiritual journey but it is unforgivable to elaborate on all this to the person who you are so thoughtlessly hurting.

It is up to you of course how you want to handle it but I think you will fare best by dropping him like a hot stone. It will also be the treatment he will find hardest to cope with since he is very much the centre of his own universe and he is not seeing you in all this at all - merely you present a danger than he might backslide into his old ways (of being that lovely man you went out with and who your dc liked). Not responding to him AT ALL will drive him wild and who knows he might come to his senses that way.

I am sorry you are going through this. He sounds so immature and you sound almost like a mother to him in this relationship.

[ZZZenagain]

just out of interest is the yoga teacher on board with all this (knowing each other from another life, being uncontrollably blown into being together with him and feeling he is her destiny?).

Btw I am not adverse to New Age thinking and living. Meditation, yoga, reincarnation etc I am open to all of that but I don't like the way he is handling this. Tbh I also think there is not much you can do about it when someone gets off on a spiritual theme. If they are off doing it, they are off doing it. I don't think you can "make them see sense".

What do you think you want? Do you want to try and accept this and have him as a friend in your life (but not telling you all this hurtful stuff?), or do you want him back as your partner the way it was before? Based on that I would decide what to do. If I wanted his friendship and could handle it (without being told about his relationships/wishful thinking regarding yoga teachers and others he might know from past lifes), I would tell him, ok it is over for me and we can still get on great so long as I don't have to hear x, y, z again. If it is the latter you want, I think you have to be clear and tell him how thoughtless and selfish he has been in talking to you like this, just how much it has hurt to listen to him and that you have to draw the line here. You love him and you do want to continue a relationship but it will be very hard after what you have heard , so if he wants a relationship with you, he needs to sort this out soon, put it behind him and be clear about getting the relationship back on track.

He may well tell you that he is not coming back but if you don't say it, you may regret it.

After that tell him your line is drawn and you are getting on with your life now. You want no part in his spiritual deliberations. Then cut him right off. I think that is what I would do. Short and clear as possible then withdraw from it completely.

[redundantandbitter]

Well... We aren't friends on FB ( neither of us into FB) but I have un-liked him on twitter.... Small steps.. I guess my mantra needs to be 'I am the captain of my own ship'

[redundantandbitter]

God I laughed out loud at the "stop your dithery mooning " comment..priceless..... I am getting to the point of " just make a bloody decision and get on with it " , i I have better things to do with my time that hang around waiting for scraps from His table (lovely table that it is) ... He knows where I am ... To stick with the boat theme .. I am dropping my anchor in the safety of the harbour. He can venture into the stormy seas but I'll be damned if he thinks he's taking me and my crew with him. I will wave while he drowns if he's not careful....enough boat-y you think?

[ErrolTheDragon]

We could probably work out a whole maritime philosophy...

you don't suit your NN you know - you seem to be handling this with remarkable grace and humour.

[redundantandbitter]

That's very kind of you to say so... My NN is old now ... Thinking of changing it to "backslide my arse"

[SunshineSuperNova]

'Backslide my arse' sounds like a terrific mantra.

[Lilka]

'Backslide my arse' is a great mantra and NN

Maybe when he's done with this stupid dithery mooning he'll try to 'backslide'. If he does let him backslide onto his backside because you are so much better off without him

[redundantandbitter]

Lilka... If only I could convince myself ... Knowing him as i do... he will be in touch... He's working flat out now for a few days but I reckon he'll be thinking himself stupid... And come the middle of next week he will be asking to meet... Hmmmm

[omuwalamulungi]

Don't make someone your priority who only sees you as their option. Or however the saying goes.

[omuwalamulungi]

p.s I think you're handling it wonderfully. Healing camp ffs. Some people just need to have a day off from being themselves.

[CupOCoffee]

Fucking hell! What an annoying twat!

I would just ignore him completely . . . forever!

[redundantandbitter]

These responses are really making me laugh.. Thanks guys.. I don't want to forget .. Just want to feel
Less embarrassed, less humiliated .. 'Spiritual awakening' my arse... The thing is he knows I don't really tolerate fools.. I am polite to people but sometimes I just want to say 'sort yourself out'. This applies to him. He got in touch after 25 yrs.. We were at college together... Obviously 25 years history isn't enough... He has to go back to a previous life.. For crying out loud. Grrrrrr

[fairisleknitter]

You have no reason to be embarrassed!

He sounds interesting! (trying not to be mean!) But not grounded or properly adult.

I know a woman who has dumped her husband and father of her children because of her spiritual realisation that they were not karmically linked or somesuch. I love a bit of new age myself but I also believe we could build good loving relationships with any one of quite a range of partners.

Surely dumping unhappiness on others is not living spiritually but living self-indulgently?

You sound sane, good luck!

[CruCru]

Wasn't it Bridget Jones who said "go out with me properly and treat me nicely or leave me alone". Agree go no contact with him, he sounds like men I knew growing up (grew up in Brighton).

[ImpOfDarkness]

He got in touch after 25 yrs.. We were at college together

Soooo, his midlife crisis started four years ago then...

[redundantandbitter]

Well yes... I figured he had already HAD his mid life crisis.., how many are you allocated - surely more than one is just greedy? Yes... We started out together in a stupid crap
Way, still with ex's. so we end our relationships.. Causing pain all round.. My ex married 11 months later (go figure) - hasn't he had enough palaver? I certainly have .. I don't have the emotion energy to go through this ALL OVER AGAIN! I want to shake him.