Dumped - not 'spiritual' enough

[redundantandbitter]

A month ago When DP went to 'healing' camp he loved me .. When he came back he had experienced a 'spiritual awakening' and has recently said he feels the need to end it all with me, after 4 years, to start a relationship with a yoga teacher... Yeah it would be funny if it was a Victoria Wood sketch.. Unfortunately it's my life. I absolutely adore the man. He freely admits he loves me but HAS to follow this path as he feels he has met her in a previous life and its destiny. He can't see that having a lot in common with someone is called co-incidence. We don't live together, he's 43yrs , and in a very pressured front line job. We have always been very close emotionally, loving, great sex, besotted, tactile. I genuinely can't see where I went wrong...

My guess is that the e-mails are designed to keep you on-side for when the drama and angst of the Great Yoga Love wears off.

It sounds as though he loves the thrill of a good drama, and what better way to extend it than to have you there to listen to him weep and wail about it all.

His ex w took kids camping earlier this year and 'made friends' up with a dad for the duration... And I can imagine DP mooning round yoga lady at camp
With his kids... I feel sorry that these 2 teen girls are watching their parents ... How embarrassing no?

No.

Assuming she's single now and the bloke was single too, I'd have thought her teenagers would be only too delighted that their mum had some interesting adult male company after the way their father treated her.

Embarrassed by their father? Hell yes. Who wouldn't be?

Absolutely mortifying! Believe me he won't be so zen when her teenage DDs challenge him. Teenage girls miss nothing and can size up a person in about .05 seconds. Good luck to him on that score. I know it is hard on you but honestly one day you will realise you are better off. If he could leave you so quickly and unexpectedly on such a whim it really was a matter of time before it happened.

It serems like you had a very close relationship and it won't be easy for you to get over it but you will one day. Try your best to be kind to yourself over the next while and lean on others for support. You sound like a lovely person. I obviously don't know you but it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong to cause this break up. He is responsible for that and he probably will really regret it when he realises that this new relationship is not perfect either.

Sounds like a prick your better off rid sounds like a mid life crisis.

What's next he'll be wearing his hat backwards saying "yo" with his spiritual awakening??

White sugar- your words made me cry.... Take it Fromm that's not a good look while standing at school gates! Thank you for being kind.

Agreed, you sound like a lovely person. Agreed, too, that self-kindness and self-forgiveness are the way forward here. Do NOT, under any circumstances, stop being "a loving person", as that makes you poorly. Please DO, under all circumstances, appreciate the tremendous value of your love, and use it wisely. He doesn't need it: he's got a spiritual soap opera going on, all of his own, and that seems to be his chosen path. Set him free, with loving forgiveness, for his own separate future. It sounds as if you had some wonderful times together; those times are still part of you - cherish the memories, and stay mindful in the present moment. There are opportunities to learn here, and to focus lovingly on your own individual path.

I imagine his daughters will be more than happy to have you in their lives, without their dad. He's a bit of a twerp, when all's said and done, isn't he?

You've had a lucky escape! It seems quite unanimous that he sounds a complete pillock. Breathe in, move on and thank your lucky stars. In 6 months or so you'll look back and think 'what the FUCK was I thinking?'.

Oh no, you will start me off now! No matter how bad you feel put your head up high and your shoulders back and walk around like you own the planet. You will survive this x

Hello OP, I don't think you need to get angry if you don't want to!! Have you considered asking him not to contact you any more? everything seems to be about him doesn't it?
Stay strong lovely ladyxx

Redundant - If it helps you at all I was engaged up until only 4 months ago. I was madly in love thought she was my life partner. We spoke everyday on phone hardly any drama, got on well, knew my family and friends she was my everything (I'm a female to avoid confusion :D) and one day she calls me tells me she will marry a Muslim man to stay in the UK (she is from Dubai originally) she didn't love me and to move on.

I honestly thought I would die and could never move on. The pain and betrayal was like nothing I ever felt in my life. 2 months later she contacts me and wants to be "friends". I can say it's been the hardest thing I ever went through I will never ever forget but what everyone is saying is right - If someone can walk out of your life that easy and be such a tosser they REALLY are not worth it. You ARE worth something and you will find that person for you that will see it. You WILL. xx

Garlic, your advice is profound and loving and applies to me too at the moment albeit in relation to a totally different scenario than R&Bs. Apologies for cross post but I have been spending the day thinking up the meanest things I can say to someone who has really pissed me off. Thanks to your words I can feel the meanness slipping away. Apols again R&B for cross post.

He seems exactly like some of the people I've known through life who describe themselves as spiritual. It really is a word which describes selfishness and an almost complete sloughing off of responsibility for one's actions.

I would guess that the relationship was waning for him anyway, for whatever reason, and this is his crisis about that working its way out.
He needn't be a bad person, just a very deluded and self-involved one who is dressing up his guilt (at wanting to end it with you) in language that suggests it was slightly out of his own control. It's weak, but at least it's unambiguous and I wish you the best in leaving this behind and being able to laugh about him (over and over again) in future.

It's fine if you don't actually feel angry, but it's not fine if you're suppressing anger because of some misogynistic belief that women should be calm and serene in the face of treachery, or because you feel compelled to be as 'spiritual' as the OW, or not as 'dramatic' as his (perfectly healthy sounding) ex-wife.

Anger is good if it's productive. Don't suppress it.

Whitesugar - That's lovely, and I really appreciate your feedback :)

Sounds to me as if he needs drama in his life - my sister is similar. We've watched her lurch from one passion to another over the years, but all know what the end result will be.

You dont have to feel anger yet. It's like a bereavement - there are many stages, including denial, guilt etc and anger. Just keep busy, keep your distance and lean on your friends.

Tbh I am really not angry.. Just really disappointed... You can't follow or watch your partner.. You allow them to go off and breathe and live and do their own thing.. Then you hook up and tell each other about your week or whatever.. But you trust they will see bright shiny people everywhere... You have to say 'hi, but no thanks' to the shiny people .. Someone crossed my path last year... I told my DP and we shared a laugh etc. ..I batted it away .. Seems he is unable to do the same thing. His email indicates he's still 'dithering'... Oh and last time I saw him he said he wasn't sure about seeing me again in case he 'back slides' ... What a horrible term to use about a real person ... Someone that still loves him.. Back slide my arse!!!

Bloody hell, he sounds irritating. While such behaviour might, just might be excusable in a young man who has a passion for excelling in sport or similar, and who has met someone else who lives the same lifestyle and has the same interests, there is something very bleurgh about a 43 yo who simultaneously discovers yoga and a Great Love.

DH (before he was DH) went through a phase where he took up yoga and became very stupid at the same time. I actually left him because I simply couldn't look at him with a straight face any more, and met a young mountain biker instead. That galvanised DH to propose...

I warned him that any future yogic episodes would result in similar dismissal, as would any tendency to dance...

LTB.

where he took up yoga and became very stupid at the same time

pmsl

OP, he gets more of a selfish manipulative crawler every time you post! Can you block his email? Or at least forward them automatically to a folder marked Dithery Yogic Twat so you can read them in your own time, if at all? Otherwise your heart's going to lurch every time he dumps a load more of his Very Important Feelings on you.

I agree with Kamchatka. I've known a few people like this. Their kind of spirituality seems only focussed on making themselves feel better ('self discovery') and can be at the expense of anyone else. It's very self-indulgent. There's no real discipline, rules or community building/involvement. No real life altering sacrifice to be a better person.

If he's only got into this sort of thing recently, I'd imagine he's going through some kind of mid-life crisis where he wants to recapture some of the excitement and romance of youth. He's scared of getting old. Unfortunately young teenagers don't have dependants and partners to tread all over and the damage of a grown adult behaving that way is not acknowledged by him/her.

Priceliss - that sounds like an horrific experience . You poor thing... I hope you are feeling stronger and looking to the sun x.

How annoying for you OP, with the "dithering" shite he's spouting in his emails. It sounds to me like he's trying to keep you in the wings in case the new lady love of his spiritual life doesn't work out so well.

Back slide my arse!!! I couldn't have phrased it any better myself

Oh OP I'm so sorry you are being faced with this pain. It nearly kills you doesn't it? The realisation that the man you adored and thought was the one for you turns out to be an entitled shallow idiot.

I was where you are just last year. I honestly thought it would kill me. But it didn't. It made me stronger and wiser and made me a better person. And this will do the same for you too. even though it's so hard to see that now I know.

I LOVED what garlicbaguette said here

"Set him free, with loving forgiveness, for his own separate future. It sounds as if you had some wonderful times together; those times are still part of you - cherish the memories, and stay mindful in the present moment. There are opportunities to learn here, and to focus lovingly on your own individual path."

Sounds sufficently yoga-y to counteract his "awakening" but really is so true. When you are ready, let him go from your heart and move forward.

I wish you all the best, you sound lovely

Well, you sound very nice, but don't let him love bomb you with " finding himself" emails etc to make him feel better. Write back and say he is fucking with your karma and to leave you alone.

Thank goodness he didn't move in tbh, you don't have to worry on that score. You've done nothing wrong, so tell your dc when they ask where he is, that you are taking a break from each other, and spend some time with them enjoying yourselves.

Breaking up is awful, but allowing him to prolong it will make it worse. Take charge, be brisk and have your own mantra of "fake it til you make it" look on it as a learning curve for your dc- how to manage your life when its crap.

Write back and say he is fucking with your karma and to leave you alone.

Love it! :)