Money and MIL - advice needed (sorry it is quite long)

[shil0846]

This is more about my mother-in-law, however it is starting to affect my relationship with my husband and I would really appreciate some advice.

My father-in-law died last year leaving a lot of debt, but also a lot of valuable art work. My MIL also had a £15k credit card bill on which she was paying masses of interest. When she was widowed, she couldn't afford to keep paying the interest and was desperate. We therefore paid for the funeral and also took £15k out of our mortgage to lend it to her for 3 months to give her time to sell some of the art work. We are paying 4% interest on this.

11 months later she hasn't sold anything. I have sent pictures of items to auction houses to get them valued, but when I tell her what they say she tuts and says she paid far more than that and she wouldn't sell for such a low price.

The added complication is that I had a baby 6 months ago and we need the money back to buy a bigger place (we're in a tiny flat) and to fund my maternity leave. My MIL is aware of this (I have told her as plainly as I can without upsetting her). Her reaction is to apologize and say that she is ruining everything...yet she just doesn't sell anything. Most recently when I raise it she's started telling me how lucky I am to have had all this time with my DS, as she went back to work when my husband was 4 months old.

I generally have a good relationship with my MIL, but am starting to resent the fact that my family is suffering because we paid her credit card bill. I also feel duped. My husband gets really defensive when I mention it and reminds me that she's lost her husband and he's lost his father. So we end up arguing.

I know that the grief is still raw and suspect she doesn't want to part with any possessions she bought with her late husband, but I'm desperate to spend longer with my DS and could do so if she would only pay us back.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Xx

Keep pushing. £1,000 is a good start, but you need a concrete and realistic timeframe for the rest. Once this is done, dug your heels in and refuse to fund her mortgage - you don't have to be nasty, simply explain that you don't want to mix finances and family in this way. Good luck!

Does the auction house take a commission based on percentage of sale takings, or a flat fee? Is your Mil going to end up paying more in fees if she sells one thing at a time?

It's a very small step towards a start - but as you say, a grand a year is not going to make a large dent in your losses.

Have you and dh ever worked out how much you would save overall if you had been able to pay down your mortgage by 15 k?

She is a show off.

God she sounds unbearable, you are a freakin saint for putting up with this situation

So won't most of that 1k be swallowed up in interest payments for this first year?

You or your dh need to be extremely blunt with her!

I'm afraid MIL sounds worse with every post, OP. She's got no intention of selling that art - she wouldn't let the auctioneer in.

MIL has no plans to pay you back, and is making very sure no one else can enable her to do so either. The plus is you might get 1k every now and then, but you really aren't going to be repaid 15k in the foreseeable.

Unless yr DH hits the roof - how does he feel about doing that? At the very least, he must explain that there will be no more bailouts. You must refuse to fund her mortgage, that's a carcrash waiting to happen.

She definitely does NOT have plans to pay you back! Like you said, if she's not willing to let someone in to value this art how the hell is she going to sell it?

Can you send some bailiffs round to seize some artwork to recoup your loan?!

Wow, just wow! She is not showing willing she is fobbing you off!

She has been humouring you. Getting rid of some shit she does not like. She does not see the need to get rid of stuff she likes.

Oh dear.
I think the phrase you need is:

'What about the rest of the money, MIL?'

She sounds bonkers.

Giving an auctioneer a lecture on art?

She seems manipulative - got your DH and you to raise your hopes, then fobs you both off for 1/15th of what she promised you?

She's a cow.

Don't start to feel warmth towards her and think "oh well she's making progress", she isn't, she's actually laughing in your face.

Ermmm it isnt 15k she owes you.

It is 15k plus interest on the loan you took out, dont forget to factor that in. I would wait to tell her that though, just after you have got the pictures sold and when she has a mouthful of hot tea would be about right I reckon

Oh and say that yes, of course you will remortgage for her, but you need that 15k back first. Then back track. If she smells for a second that she wont get the remortgage then you definitely wont see a penny.

What was your husband's take on her behaviour, OP?

Hello there. Just some quick things. Don't let the £1000 appease you. I wouldn't settle for anything less than the full amount.

I also think your DH needs to take the leading role here and not you. It's his mum. Push him though!

I'd almost refuse any part payments and just tell her you want full payment or nothing.

I also see irony in her letting a stranger into her house but not a certain room.

she is a completely self absorbed cow - and she will get worse not better

tell DH you ARENT going back to work and leave him to sort it out

start taking DS out and about all the time - and let DH come home to mess and no feed - if he moans tell him you want to move to a house

MIL is a disgrace

Oh lord, this is an awful situation

I do think you need to sit dh down and have a serious conversation with him, as he needs to be the one to step up, and he's just not doing it...

OP, I feel so badly for you.

We bailed out my mother last December, including (but not limited to) a fairly sizeable loan which she was going to definitely pay back within three months. And then her circumstances changed and she couldn't pay us back. But the difference is that she's trying to! In her sixties, she's taken on a second job which means she's working evenings (it's a sit-down, at-home position, I haven't sent her down the mines or anything) for extra money, so that she can pay us back a little at a time. You know, just for comparison's sake.

I think TalkativeJim's advice is great, because your DH is still not getting this. I hope it works out for you.

Sorry - just reread and realised you are also paying 4 per cent interest as well! I take back my earlier comments; it's barely scratched the surface of the debt.

She let him in the house but not the room where all this valuable art is? There's something very very fishy going on. He already knows she thinks she has fine art, so if he is a thief that wouldn't stop him!

I'm surprised she wasn't interested purely for curiousity. She has no intention of selling them- wont take them to be valued on site, won't let anyone look at them. Are they really fine art originals or copies as the real ones were sold?

As for her talking at the valuer- they are used to that, so he was probably just being polite. He has probably seen it all before. Why don't you take photos of them, front and back of the pictures, who they are by and any titles, and go to see the valuer yourself. He will give you some idea.

Or take them next time to get them valued at " Christies" - and just take them to an auctioneer. Its not as though its diamonds and he might palm one!

She is having you on, and your dh is letting her. It won't get better. Unfortunately, you can't fall out with her til you get your money. That doesn't mean being under the control of the rich relation though, I hope.

Does she actually understand that you have not paid off her debt, you have taken it on yourselves, and that you are now paying it back with interest?

It is something pathetic over a rich person taking advantage of a young struggling family.

What a bitch. I am not saying it lightly, but what a bitch.

I say it again. Leave your husband, son of a bitch. He is enabling her.

I think it would have been helpful if you or your DH had been present at the time, given how reluctant she is about selling.

I think you should threaten to move into her big house with her unless she coughs up.

....and then rent out your flat for extra income to help cover the £15k.

Actually, are you sure she still has the paintings? Maybe she has already sold them? Or maybe greatly exaggerated their value?

I said it way back near the start of the thread, but I really think OP needs to show her weak-as-water DH this thread.

It just seems that they are floating along with this shafting from her, and she's raging but he's shrugging.

The more I think about it the more I think the masterpiece art = worthless tat and she is lying lying lying.

If she was planning on selling the art in the drawing room she would have let the auctioneer in there - it's not as if it would have been there for very much longer for a thief to steal if she was serious about selling it.

She sounds dreadful. I would have nothing to do with her including not seeing her and not sending her pictures of your ds. She clearly doesn't care about your family or him. And if you know any of her friends I would hit her where it hurts - start illuminating her social circle.