Money and MIL - advice needed (sorry it is quite long)

[shil0846]

This is more about my mother-in-law, however it is starting to affect my relationship with my husband and I would really appreciate some advice.

My father-in-law died last year leaving a lot of debt, but also a lot of valuable art work. My MIL also had a £15k credit card bill on which she was paying masses of interest. When she was widowed, she couldn't afford to keep paying the interest and was desperate. We therefore paid for the funeral and also took £15k out of our mortgage to lend it to her for 3 months to give her time to sell some of the art work. We are paying 4% interest on this.

11 months later she hasn't sold anything. I have sent pictures of items to auction houses to get them valued, but when I tell her what they say she tuts and says she paid far more than that and she wouldn't sell for such a low price.

The added complication is that I had a baby 6 months ago and we need the money back to buy a bigger place (we're in a tiny flat) and to fund my maternity leave. My MIL is aware of this (I have told her as plainly as I can without upsetting her). Her reaction is to apologize and say that she is ruining everything...yet she just doesn't sell anything. Most recently when I raise it she's started telling me how lucky I am to have had all this time with my DS, as she went back to work when my husband was 4 months old.

I generally have a good relationship with my MIL, but am starting to resent the fact that my family is suffering because we paid her credit card bill. I also feel duped. My husband gets really defensive when I mention it and reminds me that she's lost her husband and he's lost his father. So we end up arguing.

I know that the grief is still raw and suspect she doesn't want to part with any possessions she bought with her late husband, but I'm desperate to spend longer with my DS and could do so if she would only pay us back.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Xx

[nauticant]

I think so too.

Although you might want to stop thinking about this now shil0 having been so stressed over it, now is the best time to make sure your husband is firmly on your side so he's less likely to slide back into his old ways of thinking once the shock of your illness subsides.

Would it be possible to go to counselling, maybe only as a one-off, so you can make him acknowledge what has gone on and to confirm that he doesn't want anything like it to happen again?

You could also get him to agree to drive that albatross of a car into a scrap compactor. (Not entirely serious.)

[catsmother]

Good to hear from you and sorry you've been so ill - I'm sure all the ongoing stress won't have helped matters.

It must obviously be a huge relief to have recovered the bulk of the debt and clearly, that will enable your maternity leave. However - when you feel up to it - I really do think, for your own peace of mind and sense of security, and, about strengthening your relationship, that this whole issue of MIL, money, expectation, entitlement and taking advantage needs to be thrashed out.

I agree that the remaining £3k also needs to be repaid. Do what Disgrace suggests, please, to protect yourselves. But also, given MIL's appalling attitude and DH's dragging his feet over resolving this - you need to be firm, and show her you're not a soft touch, and that loans for £xxx amount don't actually mean part loan/part gift (it would have been all gift I'm sure had you not pushed and pushed the issue). I appreciate DH came good lately but you also shared some pretty damning opinions he'd expressed about how he viewed "family money" and I would want to sort that out once and for all with him, so you know exactly where you stand going forward. You cannot live a life where at any moment he might succumb to MIL's pleas for more money - unless, this is something you have both discussed and both agreed to (I don't personally think she deserves any more money, in any form, but obviously that's not my call).

Similarly, that car needs to be sorted. If it's yours then MIL doesn't get to play around in it, as the fancy takes her, while you pay all associated costs. Really, what benefit does it actually have for you - it's surely a money pit ? And while DH may feel strongly about it, in the light of all that's happened, I'd want that sorted out too, as leaving it where it is just reinforces MIL's attitude of entitlement - and deviousness (IMO, "giving" it as a "gift" but retaining control over it ?!?).

Anyway, I don't mean to have a go. I know the thought of any more stress and/or argument isn't pleasant, more so if you're still feeling weak. Am just worried about you still - especially if MIL happily believes she's now "square" (how fucking dare she !) You NEED all the money back - it is still far far later than the original repayment term was supposed to be, and presumably there's been no acknoweldgement at all of the additional interest you have had to pay on your remortgage either ?

Take care.

[Holdthepage]

I am so sorry it took a serious illness OP before you got most of your money back. Ideally she should pay what is still outstanding, plus any interest accrued over the term of the loan. In reality it may be worth the loss of this sum for your DH to have learned a valuable less where his mother & money are concerned.

[Holdthepage]

*lesson not less.

[FriskyHenderson]

Glad you are feeling a little better. Have you discussed the car/art/3K with your DH?

[CrapBag]

Thanks for the update and I hope you are feeling better.

Thank bloody goodness your DH finally stood up to her. Funny how she magically transferred such a large sum of money.

I agree, I still wouldn't let the last bit go, she will still think she has 'won' in some way and so glad your DH has finally said you won't be getting involved in her bloody finances again. I hope he means it!

[unobtanium]

Huge relief. Best wishes for continued convalescence and a lovely mat leave!

[cocolepew]

Sorry you have been so poorly, hopefully you are well recovered . Good news about the £12k, hopefully the rest soon follows.

[Lavenderhoney]

Shil, sorry to hear you have been very ill,

Good news to hear you have some money back. I think she had it all along as well, and was saving it for when she " really needs it"

Be careful she doesn't suddenly say she has a loan she has defaulted on. Or has remortgaged her final equity or something -if she won't say don't ask, but make sure your dh knows and she knows she won't be bailed out.

The 3k needs to be paid back, certainly before she comes to visit. Or tot up how much each visit costs you with her travel and say - so, we won't be seeing you down here for a few years.

The best thing would be to get rid of that car she is whizzing about in like lady Penelope. She sounds like a dodgy character in a miss marple to me! Its yours anyway, but would give you cash and a better deposit on new house. I hope that's the plan for the NY or sooner.

And I also hope she isn't funding your bils wedding/ honeymoon etc. or is expecting a big present for Christmas. Take it easy, stay at home with your dh and ds and keep well:)

[Pukkapik]

So pleased to hear the progress made...especially on the part of your DH. I really hope his eyes are firmly open. Keep him close. So important. You must be stand absolutely firm together on the whole of business of money and do not lend anyone anything, or pay for anything outside you, him and the baby.

Stunned at her producing £12,000 out of thin air! Just goes to show how she has used you both.

Take care of yourself. I hope you get the remaining £3000. Have been thinking about you a lot over the last while.

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

Hi shil,
I'm so glad you came and updated. It was one of those threads where I hoped it hadn't gone so wrong that you couldn't come back and post. Sorry to hear you haven't been well and I hope you are recovered.

Well done to Mr Shil as well for finding a bit of back bone to face up to his mother. That was a hard thing for him to do as it sounds like he has never done it before.

I'd say it was time to consolidate your relationship with your DH and make him appreciate how lucky he is to be married to you and have such a wonderful DC. Oh and restart the order for your paper and get your hair done.

Given your DH's propensity for generosity and the fact there is a forthcoming wedding and Christmas coming up, bung it away so it cannot be accessed unless actually needed.

Whilst it might be tempting to push for that final £3000, at the minute I think you need to play the long game. Now if MIL ever asks for more money, loans etc.etc. you can say "Oh but she still owes us £3000, we can't afford to lend any more."

If she is desperate for funds, then I would suggest the car is sold - you get your £3000 and she gets the rest. That way you are being generous ( as the car is allegedly yours) but proposing a solution that doesn't cost you any actual funds and gets rid of an expensive albatross. I'd stay out of any future discussion about art works - her business, she can sort it out.

Sadly I don't think your MILs money shenanigans are over by a long shot. Goodness only knows where she got the funds from. She'll be angling for money soon - probably around the season of good will.
Hopefully your DH will have learnt from recent experience not to bend. Fingers crossed.

[auntpetunia]

Another one very glad to hear you've got most of your money back, very sorry it took you being really ill to make your DH see how wrong the situation was. I think you need to make sure MIL knows you still expect the £3k back and you stop paying a penny for that car at her house. Get it in the garage and sign the SORN statement as being off road. No tax, no insurance no petrol and no bloody mechanical fees will help.

[ChasedByBees]

I'm glad to hear this. How bloody entitled though to expect you to be grateful for partially paying off her debt a year too late after putting you under enormous pressure! I can't imagine your relationship truly recovering. I wonder if she'll eventually think it was worth it when she realises the long term effect on your trust and goodwill?

I hope you are entirely recovered now.

[tribpot]

I quite agree with everyone else. Very glad to hear you are on the mend. I am sure the stress of this appalling situation exacerbated your physical symptoms.

Number one job to get done is the car SORNed. You can do it online with the V5 reference number here. Better yet, sell the bastard thing and have done. (And I say that as someone who gave away a sportscar in the summer to someone able to take it away on a flat bed truck).

And please don't let her, or DH, forget there is still 3 grand outstanding.

Please, please do treat yourself, you deserve it for your patience throughout these long months.

[thenicknameiwantedisgone]

OP - very glad to hear that your DH has stood up and you have most off the money back. I am also sorry to hear it took you being ill to make this happen, but the important thing is that it has and he did stand up to her.

I would second, third, fourth, fifth (you get the idea!) of writing and saying you also need the final £3,000 back with the letter from both of you.

Good luck and keep us informed, I hope you are feeling better now.

Take care

[hollyisalovelyname]

Shil hope all good ( ir at least better than it was).
Any movement on the cars?

[ModernToss]

That's really good news - less for the money (although of course that's huge) than for the fact that your husband pushed for it, and is now in agreement with you. I too would be tempted to consolidate that, while of course guarding against any further demands.

Was worried about you!

[FetchezLaVache]

I also agree with the idea of putting something in writing about the outstanding three grand, but don't forget the interest charges!

[msrisotto]

Hi Shil, I've only just seen this thread and my face has been like [shocked].

Please don't think that you have created friction in your marriage, your husband has. Even though the majority of the loan is repaid and she's (obviously!) pushing for it to be written off, this has changed things. I am sure I'd feel too exhausted to chase the rest of it, more credit to you if you can.

Your husband really needs a reality check regarding the car as well - it's pointless right now, it is only costing you money. It needs to go.
Also, you need to follow through on protecting yourself and your child's financial future. You can't trust your husband anymore. Hopefully you can lay this nasty episode to rest but it is far too early to know that he won't do something stupid in the future to help out his stupid mother who is better off than he is.

She's a real pill that one! I can't believe it is thought of as normal in the family to regularly pay for her trips up to London, as if she couldn't afford it herself what with the trips to hairdressers, donations to bullshit organisations etc.

You're the only sane one Shil! Take care of yourself!

[msrisotto]

[kickassangel]

So glad your dh came through for you in the end. It takes time and money to do a transfer so more likely she had the money than that she had time to get it from a friend then move it again once it had cleared.

I also suspect that she is driving that bloody car around. Do you keep a log of the mileage? Really you should sell or at least do SORN, that would make sure she wasn't driving it.

[Huitre]

Well done, shil. I hope you are completely better now.

[TheNorthWitch]

OP I hope your DH hasn't taken out a loan and given it to his mother to give to you to pacify you. I would not be happy at the mystery of where the money came from. Either she got it through dubious means or she was holding out on you even though she knew you needed the loan repaid and she was overdue with her repayment. Keep a beady eye on this woman - she is shameless.

Glad you are feeling better - I too possibly have bronchitis and the cough from hell - reading your thread has certainly distracted me!