Money and MIL - advice needed (sorry it is quite long)

[shil0846]

This is more about my mother-in-law, however it is starting to affect my relationship with my husband and I would really appreciate some advice.

My father-in-law died last year leaving a lot of debt, but also a lot of valuable art work. My MIL also had a £15k credit card bill on which she was paying masses of interest. When she was widowed, she couldn't afford to keep paying the interest and was desperate. We therefore paid for the funeral and also took £15k out of our mortgage to lend it to her for 3 months to give her time to sell some of the art work. We are paying 4% interest on this.

11 months later she hasn't sold anything. I have sent pictures of items to auction houses to get them valued, but when I tell her what they say she tuts and says she paid far more than that and she wouldn't sell for such a low price.

The added complication is that I had a baby 6 months ago and we need the money back to buy a bigger place (we're in a tiny flat) and to fund my maternity leave. My MIL is aware of this (I have told her as plainly as I can without upsetting her). Her reaction is to apologize and say that she is ruining everything...yet she just doesn't sell anything. Most recently when I raise it she's started telling me how lucky I am to have had all this time with my DS, as she went back to work when my husband was 4 months old.

I generally have a good relationship with my MIL, but am starting to resent the fact that my family is suffering because we paid her credit card bill. I also feel duped. My husband gets really defensive when I mention it and reminds me that she's lost her husband and he's lost his father. So we end up arguing.

I know that the grief is still raw and suspect she doesn't want to part with any possessions she bought with her late husband, but I'm desperate to spend longer with my DS and could do so if she would only pay us back.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Xx

[HansieMom]

It would be wise at this time to get a credit report on you and your DH. It is not inconceivable that your DH did as Witch suggests.

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

Agree with ^

I'd get the remaining £3000 ASAP and then go no contact. This woman doesn't deserve a place in your life, or that of your DCs.

[expatinscotland]

I would check your credit. I am glad you are feeling better.

[perfectstorm]

Oh dear. I hate to say it, but with the sort of credit history she has and his attitude to money, a credit report does sound a very good idea. Hopefully it will be reassuring to the nth degree and you can relax again, but asking questions over this can't harm.

[caitlinsurrey]

wow, this is crazy messed up and made me really angry! i would agree with everything Talkative said and also she needs to sell up, downsize, sell the art - get all her s**t sorted and pay you back as its so unfair on you! ds won't miss her, thats her choice if she doesn't sort this out - you know what I'm hinting at.

[mistlethrush]

Very pleased that you've managed to get a large proportion of your money back but still that she's not paid it all, is still playing with the car issue and that you don't know where its come from.

[MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX]

Whilst you live under the same roof. Whilst you share loans, mortgages etc your credit report is tied to your husbands so if he gets defaults, misses payments, applies for a loan or credit card, or goes bankrupt, your credit rating is affected. I really think you should shell out for a full credit report with monitoring service. You get a text if there is a change to your credit report and take out the same for dh then you can monitor what he is up to.

I would also start stashing any cash, jewellery, etc away from prying eyes. Hope the £12000 went into your account. I would close any joint accounts etc.

You are fighting against 30-40 years (however old dh is) of ingrained thinking. It will need a large shock to make him realise the consequences to his actions. Only then can you make a life to move forward.
I suppose you have to ask yourself what would happen if you went out and found a suitable house today and asked dh to get the mortgage, buy it and move in. What do you think the fall out would be and if you wait when do you think there wouldn't be fall out. Remember everyday your MIL, if she doesn't actually have the money is getting deeper and deeper into debt and according to your dh if everything is family money is dragging you and your ds down with her.

[hollyisalovelyname]

Shil hope you got the extra money owed.