Money and MIL - advice needed (sorry it is quite long)

[shil0846]

This is more about my mother-in-law, however it is starting to affect my relationship with my husband and I would really appreciate some advice.

My father-in-law died last year leaving a lot of debt, but also a lot of valuable art work. My MIL also had a £15k credit card bill on which she was paying masses of interest. When she was widowed, she couldn't afford to keep paying the interest and was desperate. We therefore paid for the funeral and also took £15k out of our mortgage to lend it to her for 3 months to give her time to sell some of the art work. We are paying 4% interest on this.

11 months later she hasn't sold anything. I have sent pictures of items to auction houses to get them valued, but when I tell her what they say she tuts and says she paid far more than that and she wouldn't sell for such a low price.

The added complication is that I had a baby 6 months ago and we need the money back to buy a bigger place (we're in a tiny flat) and to fund my maternity leave. My MIL is aware of this (I have told her as plainly as I can without upsetting her). Her reaction is to apologize and say that she is ruining everything...yet she just doesn't sell anything. Most recently when I raise it she's started telling me how lucky I am to have had all this time with my DS, as she went back to work when my husband was 4 months old.

I generally have a good relationship with my MIL, but am starting to resent the fact that my family is suffering because we paid her credit card bill. I also feel duped. My husband gets really defensive when I mention it and reminds me that she's lost her husband and he's lost his father. So we end up arguing.

I know that the grief is still raw and suspect she doesn't want to part with any possessions she bought with her late husband, but I'm desperate to spend longer with my DS and could do so if she would only pay us back.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Xx

" whilst we have the ability to raise loans" is quite simply jaw dropping! Why would anyone go into debt for the benefit of your mil, because she doesn't work, and needs to maintain a certain lifestyle?

She can't get the loan. But you can, what with dh working for his bonus ( bet she's looking forward to that, maybe a cruise, as well as the house paid) and of course, you will be at work, earning money so dh can subsidise his mum, so you can pay for dh, ds and you.

Does your dh think your ds, when older will be subsidising him? Because he might plan to teach him that, you know, in return for dads classic car he can have one day if he foots the bills now.

Shil, I feel really sorry for you. But your comment " she got to him first" .. He is wrong and unfair there as well. He should have said " let me talk to shil, and I'll call you back" not immediately taken her side and spoken to you like that. What UTTER CRAP that its all family money. Do you see your income as her money?

I would not go and see her again, not pay for her trips, or take her calls about how she is at the hairdressers.

I don't think you should suck it up. You either make plans to leave or do all this gymnastics with house and will, and then argue over his bonus, paying for mils London trips, paying for the car, getting her flowers, apologising to the little old lady, going back to work early, your dh with his classic car whilst you can't get your hair done.

I know which one I would want. The head has to win here. Your marriage will always have this great big elephant tethered to it.

Sending you support. You've have some great advice here regarding ££.

Disgrace has good advice

Shil so sorry Wish I could say it was a shock but it's not. You need to urgently get yourself financially insulated from your husband and then to be honest I think you need to separate. I think that is the only point at which your husband will finally understand what he is sacrificing so his mother can live in a six bedroom house.

As for your church going Mil - she is scum. Total scum. How you have refrained from exposing her as such to her peers I will never know. Might be something to look forward to down the line. ..

I would also think about your son! if you allow these idiots to be around and influence him he will probably end up having a very unhealthy attitude to money himself as he grows older.

honestly I would protect him by getting him as far away from granny as possible and into the real world.

OP seriously show him this thread!!!

Well the apple didn't fall far from the tree. You must be so frustrated. I hope you have someone in real life to talk to, being surrounded by idiocy 24/7 must be horrendous and make you wonder if they have a point.

I think your husband's behaviour is shocking. MIL is following a script and as PP said, expect some health crisis if D H follows up with her selling any of the things she previously agreed to.

It sound like this is a critical moment and your actions from this revelation... Well if you capitulate for a quiet life (which must be tempting at times) they'll become brazen and unrealistic. Really, marriage shouldn't be this hard and you should be enjoying your maternity leave. (How long have you been married for?)

Practical stuff - yes, definitely do whatever you need to in respect of protecting your son. Open and use your own bank account for your salary and savings. Don't transfer money to whatever account MIL's frippery loan is paid from. DH can handle that himself. Another joint account for your family ONLY's stuff may be useful (mortgage, bills ...)

should say more brazen and unrealistic

I respectfully but totally disagree with NotYoMomma. OP, please do not show your husband this thread. It will just lead to yet another argument. And probably to sniping in future every time you check your phone or your computer, because he'll be wondering if you're checking in with the evil hags on Mumsnet who don't understand him.

I agree - do NOT show your husband this thread. It is a safe, supportive (I hope) place for you to vent. He may also try to stymie attempts to achieve more financial separation of your affairs if he knows what you are up to. What a horrible situation - I really feel for you.

Evil hags and at least one sonofabitch.

OP: I have known several relationships collapse due the male partner's complete lack of financial feck and in one case outright fraud.

I haven't yet come across one where the husband puts his child in jeopardy deliberately.

My MIL is a PITA but she would walk over a river of fire before doing anything that could financially harm her son or grandson. That's normal. This... is eating your own young. As a mother yourself you know how deeply disturbing her behaviour is.

I pity your DH very much, but he'll drag you and your ds down with him if allowed to. The two of you will be paying off her debts long after her death and it will destroy (probably wholly prevent) your own retirements and DS' university options at best, and bankrupt you at worst.

You poor darling, Shil.
No advice just support.
Some excellent advice from others though.
I think the fact that you don't have family of your own to support you makes this so much harder for you and my heart goes out to you. Hope you have somebody in RL to confide in.
Your bil sounds as bad as dh and mil.

I am sure down the line you would like a sibling for ds. What then???

I've been following this thread since it started OP and am appalled.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your DHs attitude and disrespect towards you are a deal breaker for me and leave me absolutely cold. This will not get any better, quite the reverse.

I've got nothing new to add that other posters have not already said - get yourself to a solicitor asap. Protect yourself and your sons financial future. It's not you, it's them.

This matter is eating you alive OP. It's destroying your relationship with your husband, and maybe your marriage, it is spoiling the first precious year with your child.

IMO you have two options...

1. Forget the money, struggle on and write it off, whilst in all likelihood having no further contact with your MIL.
2. Trial separation from your husband to reflect and allow him to reflect on who is most important to him.

This... is eating your own young.

That's exactly what it is. The selfishness is breathtaking - and it's not as if she doesn't know what effect this is having on you, because you've spelled it out to her. She just doesn't care; her need to keep up appearances simply trumps everything else.

Total sympathy for you; you're in a terrible position. Please protect yourself before this family drags you into the bankruptcy courts.

It's all one family pot is it?

So can you use it to pay a deposit on a house and move before house prices rise any further?

Can you go out as you please, make charity donations and have your hair done weekly?

No thought not. :(

Could you get him to go to a financial planner with you? I'm thinking the finance version of relate. Any one not in this family will find this insane.

Shil, I have nothing to add other than to be yet another person reminding you that your dh is not acting normally and your reaction is entirely rational. Hopefully you have enough people telling you that here so that if you ever get low enough to question it you have some other opinions (backing you!) to fall back on. Good luck at the solicitors.

chased my thoughts exactly

shil did you ask that question? If it's all the one family pot then why are you struggling in the cramped flat when you can use the family pot to get the property that you as a nuclear family need

I appreciate how tough this is but this would be a deal breaker for me.

Oh dear, you poor, poor thing.

Does he have a close friend who is normal, in whom he can confide? Someone sane financially who might talk some sense into him?

It is lunatic to just keep on borrowing and keep on borrowing. In the end, your son will be paying your debts, just like you & h are paying his mum's.

What if your parents needed a massive loan? You're all one big happy family, so he can just borrow more to give to them can't he?

He is bonkers.

If the money is the money is there when you need it - why the bloody hell haven't you got it to cover your ML.

I think a visit to a solicitor is a good idea. I would also consider the Toxic In-Laws book if you do want some additional strategies to deal with this.

Your MIL seems to behave like she is a princess and the whole family are obliged to keep her in the state she would like to be kept in - no matter what the cost.

I would love to ask your DH - if your parents' way of doing things was so good why are we having to bail out MIL?

Start shoul read
If the money is there

I am internally going ballistic for you op. Your dh's reaction is not on.

I'm so frustrated and angry for you OP.

Please don't feel guilty for agreeing to the loan.

You agreed to a LOAN.

Your DH is an irresponsible douche.

Oh and he can still be a good loving father regardless of whether you're married to him or not...

Separate. He can live with his mother if he wants to look after her interests at the expense of your children.