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Original poster

Money and MIL - advice needed (sorry it is quite long)

859 replies

shil0846 · 23/09/2013 09:38

This is more about my mother-in-law, however it is starting to affect my relationship with my husband and I would really appreciate some advice.

My father-in-law died last year leaving a lot of debt, but also a lot of valuable art work. My MIL also had a £15k credit card bill on which she was paying masses of interest. When she was widowed, she couldn't afford to keep paying the interest and was desperate. We therefore paid for the funeral and also took £15k out of our mortgage to lend it to her for 3 months to give her time to sell some of the art work. We are paying 4% interest on this.

11 months later she hasn't sold anything. I have sent pictures of items to auction houses to get them valued, but when I tell her what they say she tuts and says she paid far more than that and she wouldn't sell for such a low price.

The added complication is that I had a baby 6 months ago and we need the money back to buy a bigger place (we're in a tiny flat) and to fund my maternity leave. My MIL is aware of this (I have told her as plainly as I can without upsetting her). Her reaction is to apologize and say that she is ruining everything...yet she just doesn't sell anything. Most recently when I raise it she's started telling me how lucky I am to have had all this time with my DS, as she went back to work when my husband was 4 months old.

I generally have a good relationship with my MIL, but am starting to resent the fact that my family is suffering because we paid her credit card bill. I also feel duped. My husband gets really defensive when I mention it and reminds me that she's lost her husband and he's lost his father. So we end up arguing.

I know that the grief is still raw and suspect she doesn't want to part with any possessions she bought with her late husband, but I'm desperate to spend longer with my DS and could do so if she would only pay us back.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Xx

OP posts:
fryingpantoface · 13/11/2013 17:24

bloody hell.

In all seriousness, I couldn't be with someone who viewed me and our son with as little regard as you are being shown.

Maybe it's time to say "look, this is ridiculous. I want out if this isn't sorted by Feb" That way there's a definite end.

WinterisComingVSoon · 13/11/2013 18:50

What a horrible situation! I would save the item of jewellery for a rainy day, as it may get worse, and would get as many valuables as they will grudgingly give to sell.

This is a bit of an assumption, but are you in a position where you cant afford more children?

perfectstorm · 13/11/2013 19:12

Hope yesterday was constructive, Shil, and you feel better.

Tinlegs · 14/11/2013 21:52

Thinking of you OP and hoping things are looking up.

thenicknameiwantedisgone · 15/11/2013 08:03

Hope things went ok on Tuesday and you have a clearer picture of what you want to do or not do. Take care.

DustBunnyFarmer · 18/11/2013 06:49

Shil - I've been thinking of you and hoping you are ok. I recall that you said you didn't have extended family of uour own, so I hope you've got friends and other support networks to fall back on.

NeedlesCuties · 20/11/2013 08:09

Brew for you, Shil.

aftereight · 20/11/2013 19:55

OP I have just read the whole thread Shock
Firstly, I hope you are recovering well from the bronchitis. And secondly, I hope that you have had some useful legal advice in terms of protecting your assets and future income from being squandered by your 'D'H and Hyacinth Bouquet his mother.
You sound like a fantastic mum, your DH should be in awe of your Mummy Tiger instincts kicking in to protect your son.

HamletsSister · 22/11/2013 15:01

I have read this with increasing alarm and hope that you are feeling better and that you are back in control of your money. It must be very hard indeed to deal with all of this and remain reasonably calm. Please do let us know that you are well.

livingzuid · 22/11/2013 19:07

shil I have read this whole thread (and your parts out to DH) and we are in incredulous disbelief. I'm so sorry you had to go through this as it must have put a huge shadow over your mat leave. Are you feeling better now after your bronchitis?

I'm sorry for being so blunt but my first response is that your DH needs to grow a pair and decide what is more important to him. He needs to go get some financial counselling as well!

There's been loads of great advice I can't add to. My main observation though was your repeated comments about this being your only family and I get the impression that you quite rightly want to be a good and loving wife and in-law.

But please believe me when I say loving families do not behave in the way yours seem to do. I haven't seen at any point anyone for one moment DH, MIL, Ben trying to understand your perspective. I may be wrong but it almost appears like they are closing ranks against you, particularly after that last row you described with DH. This isn't about money fundamentally, it's something much deeper and for me it would give serious cause for concern to hear my husband speak so cruelly about my role in his life compared to his mother's. It must be incredibly hurtful.

Also you can't these days get loan after loan. Has your DH not followed the news!

It was nice they lent you six grand. That it what parents do to help offspring get on the ladder. Don't feel obliged as a result of it! And you paid it back. You're quite entitled to expect the same courtesy!

As to your mils woeful financial situation the only responsible thing to do is sell the whole bloody lot, rubbish art, house, car and all, pay all debts off and then figure out what is affordable and what is not. If that's a 2 bed ex council house in a city then that's what it is and there's no shame in that. It is NOT your responsibility to keep bailing her, your BIL and any other bleeding heart out.

Sadly you DH sounds just like his parents when it comes to finance. And you do have to look at what you've learnt about DH and his family these last five weeks and see if it is something you can live with for a lifetime. It goes way way beyond money. You are right to make a stand now, but if it doesn't change then how long can you tolerate it?

And really, how much equity is in the house? Not much is left I am sure.

Good luck, you are being so wonderful. Please keep us posted.

livingzuid · 22/11/2013 19:46

And I totally know I said I wouldn't give advice and I blatantly have sorry :( but one more thought occurred to me....

What would you think if you were reading this as an outsider? What would your advice be to you basically?

Original poster
shil0846 · 26/11/2013 22:30

Just to update all the lovely people who have given so much advice and encouragement.

My last post mentioned I was unwell. I became quite seriously ill and my DH had a bit of a scare. He finally had a frank conversation with my MIL and told her we NEED the money back. Five days later she transferred £12,000 to his account. She won't tell us where she got it from. One possibility is that she borrowed it from one of her friends who is very wealthy, but I also have a niggeling suspicion she may have had it all along. To be honest I no longer care where she got it from.

There is still £3,000 outstanding but she is now acting as though the debt is satisfied and we should be grateful to her. She still hasn't sold any of her works of art. However I am just so relieved that we have got most of our money back, that I don't want to start the fight up all over again just yet. My DH is agreed that we won't be taking on her mortgage or getting involved in her finances again.

I took our DS to see her last weekend. Relations were pretty strained but as we spent the whole time with her various friends so she could "show off" her grandson we didn't really spend any time alone together.

I haven't given up on getting the remaining £3,000 back, but we have recovered enough to make a real difference to our deposit and I can sleep at night again.

Thank you again to everyone who posted on this thread, I couldn't have got this far without you. I'll let you know if there are any other major developments.

Xx

OP posts:
boschy · 26/11/2013 22:36

shiloh, so glad to hear that you are feeling better and things are on the way to being sorted. 12k is better than 0k after all... but in your position I would keep on keeping on if you possibly can.

nauticant · 26/11/2013 22:38

Very sorry to hear about your ill-health but good to hear you've made some progress. Fingers crossed you can keep your DH focused on you and your child.

DustBunnyFarmer · 26/11/2013 22:51

Shil - sorry to hear you've been so ill, but that's really good news about the £12k. Ideally, you'd want the full £15k but you are most of the way there & it sounds like your husband has had a much-needed attitude adjustment. Well done! X

RenterNomad · 26/11/2013 23:11

Poor you! I hope the fact that you can travel means you're back on your feet properly! Smile Congratulations on the loan progress: you must be so relieved the end is in sight!

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 26/11/2013 23:13

I think I speak for all of us when I say "phew!".

However, if you want the £3K, and DH is prepared to play hardball, write to her and make it plain that partial payment is insufficient, over both your signatures. That's to get round the legal doctrine that an unchallenged part payment can forgive the rest of the debt.

Anyway, that's for later. Enjoy your matty leave and your newly rational DH.

Jux · 26/11/2013 23:49

Oh dear, you poor thing, being so ill on top of everything else. Very glad to find you better.

You're right, it doesn't matter where she got the money from, just that she's given it to you. The rest is her problem and presumably will never be yours.

Your MIL needs to learn to cut her coat according to her cloth. Just like everyone else has to.

hollyisalovelyname · 27/11/2013 00:07

Glad your better and I hope you get the rest of your money. Are the cars sold yet?

perfectstorm · 27/11/2013 03:42

So, so sorry to hear you've been so very unwell -can't imagine the stress did your immune system much good. I'm so glad you have at least most of the money back, and that your H apparently understands not to trust her in this way again. I hope he's seeing her basic lack of any real intention to repay you before all this kicked off - grateful that she pocketed 3k and made you shoulder almost a year of interest?! Blimey.

SO glad you have some peace of mind again. I was thinking of you a lot this past couple of weeks.

MrsHoratioNelson · 27/11/2013 04:34

So sorry to hear you've been proper poorly.

As for the money, well phew and Shock at the same time. I hope DH has realised that the fact that she had such easy access to so much of the amount owed shows that she clearly was just stringing you along about repaying it.

Glad it's getting (mostly) resolved.

Clutterbugsmum · 27/11/2013 07:24

I sorry you have been so ill, hope you on the mend now.

I'm shocked that she was able to give you the baulk of the money when DH pushed her hard, he needs to continue till you get rest of money back.

HamletsSister · 27/11/2013 10:00

Glad you are well and that you have most of your money back. Still a bit shocked that she seems to want to write off 3k which is a huge amount of money. However, having your DH more on side will make a difference as it looked as if you were shouldering the huge burden of worrying alone, indeed that he was working against you.

So relieved. I have thought of you more than a few times over the past days...

JoinYourPlayfellows · 27/11/2013 10:05

Gosh, sorry to hear you've been so ill and glad to hear you seem to be on the mend.

It is good news that you got so much of the money back and that your husband finally came to his senses about his priorities.

I would be tempted to write off the other £3000 if I never had to see her again. But if she was still in my life I would insist that she paid back the rests of the money she owed us.

Another one wondering whether that car you own is still sitting in her house and being maintained by you?

Put a stop to that quick smart if you haven't already.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/11/2013 10:31

I am glad you got most of the money back.

Stay strong because that mortgage will rear its head again.