Money and MIL - advice needed (sorry it is quite long)

[shil0846]

This is more about my mother-in-law, however it is starting to affect my relationship with my husband and I would really appreciate some advice.

My father-in-law died last year leaving a lot of debt, but also a lot of valuable art work. My MIL also had a £15k credit card bill on which she was paying masses of interest. When she was widowed, she couldn't afford to keep paying the interest and was desperate. We therefore paid for the funeral and also took £15k out of our mortgage to lend it to her for 3 months to give her time to sell some of the art work. We are paying 4% interest on this.

11 months later she hasn't sold anything. I have sent pictures of items to auction houses to get them valued, but when I tell her what they say she tuts and says she paid far more than that and she wouldn't sell for such a low price.

The added complication is that I had a baby 6 months ago and we need the money back to buy a bigger place (we're in a tiny flat) and to fund my maternity leave. My MIL is aware of this (I have told her as plainly as I can without upsetting her). Her reaction is to apologize and say that she is ruining everything...yet she just doesn't sell anything. Most recently when I raise it she's started telling me how lucky I am to have had all this time with my DS, as she went back to work when my husband was 4 months old.

I generally have a good relationship with my MIL, but am starting to resent the fact that my family is suffering because we paid her credit card bill. I also feel duped. My husband gets really defensive when I mention it and reminds me that she's lost her husband and he's lost his father. So we end up arguing.

I know that the grief is still raw and suspect she doesn't want to part with any possessions she bought with her late husband, but I'm desperate to spend longer with my DS and could do so if she would only pay us back.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Xx

Shil has been very good at updating the thread thusfar, so I'm hoping she comes back soon with a positive development, as up until now it's just been twisting and getting more complicated.

Shil, you've done great groundwork, now I pray that you get a good result for the sake of your marriage, your sanity and your DS.

I'm guessing she showed this thread to her dh in an effort to get him to be more sensible and so he could see how normal people reacted to the situation and that he has called us a nest of vipers, and she has given up on this thread, as it's short-term effect has been to cause strife between her and her dh.

I hope she's OK and hasn't capitulated, at least gone and sorted out her Will and the house deeds, so that her ds will not suffer from the profligacy and foolishness of dh's family.

Shil, I really hope you are OK.

No offence intended, Jux, as I like you, but I really hope you're wrong!

'Userous' this has stayed in my mind. Reckon it was MiL's word - so DH is voicing his dM's argument, she put the words in his mouth.

The thing is, Shil wasn't wanting any interest on their loan. She just wanted the actual (and unanticipated, as never requested!) cost to them of the MIL's interest repaid. Basically to not be hobbled by someone else's frivolous debts.

I hope she's okay. And I hope he's ashamed of himself, though won't hold my breath.

Exactly, PerfectStorm. You nailed it.

I too hope Shil is okay.

Another one here who checks in daily to see how you are shil I'm hoping your silence is due to you spending rl time putting your house and finances in order. Good luck.

Hi - sorry for lack of update. I've got bronchitis and today's the first day Ive been up to posting. I've made an appointment to see a solicitor on Tuesday so I'll update you then.

Xx

Eurgh, you poor thing, bronchitis sucks.

Hope you are feeling better soon, in all respects :)

Take care Shil and don't feel you have to update! Just know that we are thinking about you and cheering you on. I wouldn't be surprised if all the bloody stress has contributed to you feeling so rotten. Hope DH is looking after you x

Get well soon Shil. Last thing you need on top of all this stress.

The thing is, it isn't really the money or trying to prove to him how crap this is, it's the fact that your dh is showing more support and investment in his mother than in you or ds. It shouldn't matter that she spoke to him first. If he valued your happiness he would stick to supporting you.

You should not need to be fighting for him.

There is something very messed up about his relationship with his mum and how they see money.

You need to start protecting yourself and ds now and start putting together a fund for the two if you.

I suspect that even if you split up he would still give money to his mum before he would pay child support.

No doubt your bronchitis isn't helped by the stress of this situation. Look after yourself.

I hope you are ok.

I would go back to work ASAP. This situation is complicated by you being on mat leave and your dh seeing you as a dependent.

It shouldn't be this way, but I think that you working might make him see things differently - it is not his money that is being squandered, it is yours too. It is not about giving you more 'time off', it is your family's future.

Your MIL got to him first, you can't win. You can protect your ds' interests and yours as much as possible.

If your DH won't agree to counselling, go yourself. You need support to get through this.

I too hope you're okay shil.
I can understand your DH feeling pressure to look after his mum with his dad gone and the money in the family thing.
But I'm with you. And see it that borrowing and loans is basically going to be borrowing from your DC - the way her borrowing has actually been from her DC and his family.

Get well soon.

Feel better soon, Shil. (And don't worry about updating here, now or ever - you don't owe that in the least. This is to support you, not place a new imposition. If it helps to get support from MN then brilliant, but it's your life, not a serial story.)

Take care, and I hope things start to look a little more hopeful soon. Have been thinking of you a lot the past few days. xxx

Get well soon shil

Hope this weekend is more restful and things are progressing for you, Shil. And that you are getting plenty of sleep and the antibiotics doing their stuff.

Get well soon hope it goes well tues:)

Just wanted to post and say I hope it went ok today, have been thinking about you today

Sending best wishes to you too, Shil.

Shil just wanted to post and add my support to you, I hope you are managing to sort something out to your benefit.

Just wondering if there is another spin you can put into your discussions with your MIL and DH. I note you said earlier that your MIL is a member of her local Conservative Association so I am guessing she is in tune with Tory Party pilosophy. One of the oft repeated mantras of the Tory Party is about the injustice of hard working tax paying families supporting benefit claimants in a lifestyle which said hard working families cannot provide for themselves, so, your MIL is living a lifestyle way beyond her means (funded by debt another no-no) and one which you cannot afford for your family and is expecting you and your hardworking tax paying family to support it, puts her in the same category as those the Tory Party demonises and totally against the grain for a card carrying Tory surely?

Stay strong OP and I wish you all the best.

Oh no, that one won't work, because she's not taking benefits (just her son's income!). So she wouldn't see it as the same at all. After all, she "invested" in her son's education and now it's paying dividends

No, I don't see that one working, logical though it is to someone with their feet anywhere near Planet Earth.

Hmm, fair point Annie