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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Money and MIL - advice needed (sorry it is quite long)

859 replies

shil0846 · 23/09/2013 09:38

This is more about my mother-in-law, however it is starting to affect my relationship with my husband and I would really appreciate some advice.

My father-in-law died last year leaving a lot of debt, but also a lot of valuable art work. My MIL also had a £15k credit card bill on which she was paying masses of interest. When she was widowed, she couldn't afford to keep paying the interest and was desperate. We therefore paid for the funeral and also took £15k out of our mortgage to lend it to her for 3 months to give her time to sell some of the art work. We are paying 4% interest on this.

11 months later she hasn't sold anything. I have sent pictures of items to auction houses to get them valued, but when I tell her what they say she tuts and says she paid far more than that and she wouldn't sell for such a low price.

The added complication is that I had a baby 6 months ago and we need the money back to buy a bigger place (we're in a tiny flat) and to fund my maternity leave. My MIL is aware of this (I have told her as plainly as I can without upsetting her). Her reaction is to apologize and say that she is ruining everything...yet she just doesn't sell anything. Most recently when I raise it she's started telling me how lucky I am to have had all this time with my DS, as she went back to work when my husband was 4 months old.

I generally have a good relationship with my MIL, but am starting to resent the fact that my family is suffering because we paid her credit card bill. I also feel duped. My husband gets really defensive when I mention it and reminds me that she's lost her husband and he's lost his father. So we end up arguing.

I know that the grief is still raw and suspect she doesn't want to part with any possessions she bought with her late husband, but I'm desperate to spend longer with my DS and could do so if she would only pay us back.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Xx

OP posts:
ThePitOfStupid · 01/11/2013 15:17

At least you can tell DH she is happy for that car to be sold, though agree it doesn't settle the debt.

catsmother · 01/11/2013 15:21

Just occurred to me as well - all this hard-up-ness re: when she was a young mum. Shil, I don't know how old you are but isn't it the case that MIL, age 69, has lived in her current house since she was 34. While you remain in a poky flat - and you don't know when you can move out because she has been holding back on what she owes you. How appallingly insensitive she is. She really feels very sorry doesn't she - for herself - and quite clearly feels absolutely entitled to luxuries like regular hair appointments.

YesterdayI · 01/11/2013 15:24

That sounds really positive. It is still early days but it looks like there is hope!

DustBunnyFarmer · 01/11/2013 15:24

I'm afraid I lost it at that and told her straight that I have no money because SHE has taken it under false pretenses, and that I would never have had my DS if we had been struggling the way we are now. That we are a young family and she has helped herself to our future, and her tiny grandson is the one who is suffering.

Well done shil!! As others, the above prompted applause here. You know she'll probably up the ante with the guilt tripping now because you've called her out on her behaviour, right? However, you have nothing to feel guilty about, this woman has behaved despicably and - as you say - tricked you out of your future. Wouldn't hurt to have a few choice phrases up your sleeve for when DH gets home - I'd put money on her going running to him at some point today playing the wronged party. Keep up the good work, shil - unbelievably hard as this must be, you are doing really well and your son will benefit from your determination in the l

DustBunnyFarmer · 01/11/2013 15:25

Long run.

Damn my fat fingers on this phone!

expatinscotland · 01/11/2013 15:39

Ou have nothing to feel guilty for. She should think black burning shame of herself, but doesn't. She has the means at her immediate disposal to make her life quite easy, many who are bereaved do not. She's also not old. She's a manipulative, selfish, entitled cow. Keep up the pressure because this is about your child!

theoriginalandbestrookie · 01/11/2013 15:42

Brilliant shil - sounds like real progress.

Personally I would have agreed straight away to the sale of the car - that's the one item that is actually costing you money in the form of repairs etc, nominally yes it's DH's, but none of you seriously believe that to be the case. But anyway it's terrific that she has agreed to get the 3 items to the auction house.

On the basis that she follows through, it might be worth going to visit her.

Ironically you are the only one who I think, stands a chance of going through her finances properly. I bet there are loads of economies to be made - the Tory party & the church for beginners, she may not have changed her council tax to get the single persons discount. If you approach it from a few of helping her to save some money, then she might be well up for it.

Then you will get a true picture on how realistic it is for her to stay in the house as at the minute there is this massive pre-assumption that she will need to re-mortgage at some stage. If, once all the non essentials have been plucked out then there isn't enough then that's a horrible truth that needs to be faced sooner rather than later. If, however there might be enough based on sensible budgeting, it's a different matter.

It's all really hard for you OP so I'm glad this sounds like a bit of progress and I hope you have a nice frugalweekend with your DH and DS.

DollyTwat · 01/11/2013 15:45

Op I had a friend ask me and another friend to lend her money into her business that was losing money

My decision (which was no) was that if she were to be standing in front of the Dragons Den, would they lend? My other waivering friend said no at this point too

Would your dh understand this better?

Lavenderhoney · 01/11/2013 15:49

To add, when you have the 15k back, that's when you sell the wedding present car. Maybe bil will buy it off you and keep it at his dm's, pay for its upkeep and dm RAC membership, car insurance etc.

Your dh told you to deal with it didn't her? He shouldn't of, but he did. He needs to back you to the hilt now. No going up there, paying for her travel, fussing about weddings and Christmas.

All that about being a young mum! Really, she is unbelievable! She really isn't nice at all.

She's getting her hair done a lot- has she found a gentleman friend?

BettyBotter · 01/11/2013 16:08

So, she initially offered to sell your dh's car to pay her debts. The one that dh is paying for the running costs?! Shock

She actually seems deluded doesn't she? (not saying that lightly)

If you tell this to dh will he accept that he needs to confront this?

auntpetunia · 01/11/2013 16:46

Have lurked for ages but just had to say WELL DONE! Don't feel guilty …she wanted to sell your car to pay off money she owes …err no sell that to give you some breathing space and spare cash, she still owes 15k. I agree I bet you could save her a fortune in household expenses, gas,electric, insurance etc. Older people tend to stick with the same company for years without shopping around. Maybe when you go up offer to have a look at everything, any loans/credit cards could also be looked into.

Good luck, still a long way to go.

hollyisalovelyname · 01/11/2013 17:08

Well done OP but it is far from over. She is a really selfish woman. She didn't get her dgc anything much for his birth yet continues to get beauty treatments. Gifts she gives are taken back when it suits. She is living beyond her means and needs to have a reality check. Wouldn't her friends love to hear what a parsimonious bi**h she really is and how she is 'fur coat and no knickers'. She should sell up and scale down.

RandomMess · 01/11/2013 17:48

Well done, I'm sure that there will be more horrible "discussions" to come but that is a step in the right direction.

tribpot · 01/11/2013 18:25

I have a feeling your DH is going to go apeshit, OP. You've done the right thing, stand your ground.

Jux · 01/11/2013 18:33

I hope this is the first step to getting this all resolved. Well done, for your speech; please don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. It really was long overdue.

I am astonished at the cheek of offering to sell your car! That is extraordinarily deluded. If she does sell it, though, then it will save you some outgoings at any rate. Though it won't (except in her deluded world) count against the existing debt.

DustBunnyFarmer · 01/11/2013 18:52

The fact your MIL offered to sell the car tells you everything about how she views it (her property, despite the gift) - if you don't sell it, I really think she should be contributing to running costs, wear and tear & the depreciation through increased mileage!

NeedlesCuties · 01/11/2013 19:27

Here, OP, have a well-deserved Wine You're doing great!

Original poster
shil0846 · 01/11/2013 19:49

Thanks everyone for the kind messages - I don't think I would ever have dared to be so direct with her without all the advice and support I've received on this board. You convinced me that what was happening was not reasonable and that I should take a stand.

I'm now sitting here dreading DH coming home (as he often calls his mother on his way home and so she'll get to him first). However it's really helped seeing that so many people think that what I said was justified.

xxx

OP posts:
ModernToss · 01/11/2013 19:51

It was totally justified. Don't doubt yourself.

I hope this evening goes OK - and well done.

ThePitOfStupid · 01/11/2013 20:00

Hang in there, OP.

auntpetunia · 01/11/2013 20:01

Do not doubt yourself! It will be quite telling now to see how your DH behaves, he should be pleased you've got her agreeing to sell stuff anything else then I think you need to tell him to decide between you and his mum.

LaVitaBellissima · 01/11/2013 20:02

Good for you, she is such a piece of work, "her car" so it was gifted to you, you pay for the running of it, insurance etc and that is her way of repaying.
I would be having a firm word with the auctioneers myself!

You are doing brilliantly Thanks

RandomMess · 01/11/2013 20:02

hugs x

Original poster
shil0846 · 01/11/2013 20:07

PS- in response to a couple of questions:

My MIL moved into her current house when she married my FIL, it already belonged to my FIL. She then had my DH and BIL and they were brought up there.

I have no idea why she keeps going to the hairdressers, she didn't go so often when my FIL was alive (or at least didn't feel the need to let me know every s*dding time!). She does keep mentioning how attentive and solicitous a male friend at church is being (helping her move furniture, popping by for chats and coffee) but he's married and has been a friend of the family for years so I don't think there could be anything in it.

I'm going to hold off selling the jewelry for now and see what happens.

OP posts:
TheIggorcist · 01/11/2013 20:15

If your dh gives you grief, please make it clear to him that every word you said to his mother was the gospel truth - and should have been said by him to her, 6 months ago.

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