Money and MIL - advice needed (sorry it is quite long)

[shil0846]

This is more about my mother-in-law, however it is starting to affect my relationship with my husband and I would really appreciate some advice.

My father-in-law died last year leaving a lot of debt, but also a lot of valuable art work. My MIL also had a £15k credit card bill on which she was paying masses of interest. When she was widowed, she couldn't afford to keep paying the interest and was desperate. We therefore paid for the funeral and also took £15k out of our mortgage to lend it to her for 3 months to give her time to sell some of the art work. We are paying 4% interest on this.

11 months later she hasn't sold anything. I have sent pictures of items to auction houses to get them valued, but when I tell her what they say she tuts and says she paid far more than that and she wouldn't sell for such a low price.

The added complication is that I had a baby 6 months ago and we need the money back to buy a bigger place (we're in a tiny flat) and to fund my maternity leave. My MIL is aware of this (I have told her as plainly as I can without upsetting her). Her reaction is to apologize and say that she is ruining everything...yet she just doesn't sell anything. Most recently when I raise it she's started telling me how lucky I am to have had all this time with my DS, as she went back to work when my husband was 4 months old.

I generally have a good relationship with my MIL, but am starting to resent the fact that my family is suffering because we paid her credit card bill. I also feel duped. My husband gets really defensive when I mention it and reminds me that she's lost her husband and he's lost his father. So we end up arguing.

I know that the grief is still raw and suspect she doesn't want to part with any possessions she bought with her late husband, but I'm desperate to spend longer with my DS and could do so if she would only pay us back.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Xx

He's breaking his marriage vows to you. "for richer, for poorer" means you and your family, not his mother.

I feel for you, this is Very Difficult Indeed.

Actually, can you put that across to him?

"How do you think I would react if I caught you in bed with another woman?"

"This feels the same. It's a different vow you are breaking, and I feel the same as if you were being unfaithful to me."

OP you got great advice at the start of this thread from Cogito and TalkativeJim.
Use it.
Get your DH to ' man up' . He is being played like a violin.
Because you have no family , you felt indebted to your inlaws for the kindness to you. Now the scales are falling from your eyes. Your mil sounds like a manipulative, selfish b*h. She diesn't really care about you or her grandchild- if she did she would pay up.
If you keep up your 'tougher demeanour' what's the betting she will be ill from the 'stress of it all'?
Please stick to your guns and please reread TalkativeJim's advice. For the sake of your dc.

My RAC is about that, but that covers two adults in whatever car we are in (does she have it out as a couple still?) and is the max regarding recovery, onward transfer etc. which we want/need as go on a lot of holidays in the car - I doubt all that is necessary otherwise.

Shil, one thing you can do is to start minimising your contact with MIL.

Every time you speak to her or she texts you it causes you pain, because either she brings up something she feels you should be paying for, or she inadvertently mentions expenditure, either deliberately or not, it doesn't really matter why.

At the minute she is feeling no downside from her actions, apart from you being a bit rumbly, but hey she can pick up with your DH and he'll do the necessary funding. For you to see a penny of your money back, or at least to not pour more down the drain, you need her to get some consequences.

You phoned her on FIL's death anniversary, lovely gesture of you, but shouldn't DH be doing that? She used it to hint about finances ( gardener). Let that be your lesson - never phone or text or email her again, unless it's in response to something. Stop passing the time of day with her - this is why she chats about nails etc., cut her short if she talks about expenses.

What's planned for Christmas time? I would guess BIL and MIL think they are coming to yours. Up to you how you want to play that one, but I'd not be welcoming them into my house.

The other side of this is your finances. What did your DH say to you stopping your newspaper subscription? Does he care? Personally whilst he ( both of you) are voluntarily subsidising BIL, MIL and the Tory party, I'd not cut a penny of my expenses.

What are the plans about you going back to work - you said you worked long hours, what childcare are you planning to have in place when it happens? At the minute it looks like you will have to go back f/t at 6 months. Time to have a proper conversation with your DH about it - don't mention your MIL, just ask how you are going to plug the gap. Tell him what is a deal breaker to you - your DH has the mechanism to make it work, he is the one who can get that money back from his DM, if he really wanted to. Or he could sell his stupid hobby car - don't you see how ridiculous it is that you are planning on selling your jewellery and cutting back on tiny expenses, whilst he has a big boys toy sitting in the garage ( oh and another one at DM's but we will leave that one for the minute)

At the minute it's more uncomfortable for him to raise things with his DM than it is with you. As a father and husband he should want you to be able to spend time with your DC and not have to worry about every penny. Make him worry a bit more about it.

Present it this way to DH. Your MIL is getting to keep her house, paintings, lifestyle and so on. He is getting to keep his classic car. You, on the other hand, are effectively being told you have to give up the thing that is precious to you, i.e. extending your maternity leave with your DS. How has it been decided, with no discussion, that YOU are the person who has to lose out here? Not that it's just you, of course - it is your DS arguably who loses out too (not that it's bad to use childcare - I did myself at the same age - but it's not what you want to do).

So lay this out for your DH and say: 'This is why I am so upset and frustrated. Everyone else here gets to keep what they want, no compromises necessary. But I don't and DS doesn't. So it seems like we are less important in the grand scheme of things than everybody else. Fine, so then I know where I stand and will have to make decisions accordingly. Where's that legal agreement about the flat again?'

Ask him which is going to be sold, the classic car or MIL's paintings. Because one of those things should go. Do not give up your maternity leave to keep both those things 'in the family'

I'm betting MIL hasn't even looked at her direct debits and figured out if she should still be paying the same price for things since FIL pased away.

She is complaining about bills so now is the time for your DH to have a look at her finances and try and sort her out. If he won't then he is basically failing everyone. Then your only option is to let your MIL (and DH) know that you are finding things tight and there will be no more money forthcoming from you and your DH. So she is not to ask and you will not discuss money matters with her at all.
Then she can get herself into as much financial trouble as she likes but you and your DH will not be bailing her out. Is that what your DH wants because that is what is happening.

Is the £250 RAC bill for classic car cover?

How on earth did you resist ripping into her when she mentioned that she was spending the money she owes you on beauty treatments?

Tobias - unfortunately if the DH and MIL are left alone to look after finances I suspect that DH would walk away having given MIL yet more money that they don't have, and with no real resolution of the problems.

OP in the conversation that you need to have with DH around finances, I would suggest that you do not mention the MIL situation at all. After all there is another short term solution sitting in your garage that could alleviate your money woes without involving her at all. Once DH realizes by himself, that you aren't budging and if he won't get back the money from MIL then it needs to come from his own piggy bank of goodies, then he might be more amenable to approaching her.

Incidentally, what frugality measures is your DH taking currently? Presumably he brings in his own lunch, doesn't buy clothing, eats cheaply etc.etc., seems only fair if you are cutting back on your newspaper subscription.

Yes, sorry to suggest this, but have you access to your H's bank statements and credit card bills, so you can check what he's spending money on and hope there are no standing orders to his mother. Sounds like both he and she need a financial makeover.

OP I think the advice to say now that you won't reduce your maternity leave is good. You need to show your DH through your actions that you will protect your own priorities. "DH we need £x to get through the next 6/12 months." He can get a second job or whatever, not your problem.

I think it may be useful for you to do some research into how you can protect your assets. DH will throw good money after bad. It's life boiling a frog, both he and his mum will remain in denial until the bailiffs appear. And then he'll take out an emergency loan to bail her out.

Although your DC is young now, it's remarkably early that children can see how adults treat each other. Your DC should grow up seeing your DH and MIL treat you with respect.

MIL, I'm so happy you have enough money to have your hair and nails done. Meanwhile, you owe us 15k and as a result I have just had to cancel newspapers. I do my nails myself - as you could - and we do our own gardening. We are cramped in this tiny flat, and our weekly shop is at Iceland. It would not surprise me to find you have an account at Harrods and they deliver all your food every week.

No, don't (obviously). But when things get on top of you, write a letter, get it all out - fury, sarcasm, the lot. Then destroy it.

Then tell your dh to grow some bollocks and sort it out.

Look at this from a broader perspective, op is the only one concerned (I mean really concerned) and she is being fobbed off. Because she doesn't have any control or power. What's to say she won't be continually ignored by dh and mil. Op can whine complain as much as she likes but what's it going to achieve?

Op. It really depends how much you want to rock the boat here.

Op - what is it do you want to achieve? How much does it mean to you? And what if you don't get complete cooperation from your dh?

I'm not advocating LTB but might it be, since you are so many months/years down the road of talking a resolution with not much happening...it would be worth a threat? Maybe then they will start taking you seriously.

I don't think the op will do anything. She has been given plenty of advice and all she has done is made empty threats to her DH.

doesn't take her seriously or respect her, but she isn't doing anything to get that respect back.

How long left on your maternity leave OP?

Wow I've just read this whole thread ... nightmare! I can't believe the woman is so incredibly self centred.

MyBoy I agree with you. Amazing advice given.... which would so help her situation....Then she does something entirely different.
'You can bring a horse to water but you can't make him drink'

The thread is only around a month old, the OPhas a young baby and it's recently been the anniversary of the bereavement. I think she's doing well.

I agree with thedoctrine. I think the OP has moved quite far in a short-ish period of time.

None of this is easy for her as it involves changing her perceptions of MIL and DH and also moving from the territory of being the perfect wife and DIL to having to assert her own will for the good of her own nuclear family.

There are also no quick answers. The DH has been brought up with a bad attitude towards money and debt, so it's going to be a long process of education/learning for both of them, but only if the DH wants to go down that road. Yes OP can separate finances and LTB but it seems a bit of a draconian reaction to the situation if everything else in their relationship is ok.

OP is now challenging MIL and getting rightfully angry about the state of affairs. Next step is to get the DH to take a more active role in this - very hard because he has been brought up to believe that the money fairies take care of any financial woes.

IMHO (which I have stated a few times already) OP needs to stop focusing on MIL now and focus on what she wants/needs which is to agree how the rest of her maternity leave will be financed with her DH, which may or may not involve getting some/all/a little money back from MIL.

MyBOYS I think that's a harsh view of the OP, and I don't really understand why you posted it other than to have a go at her for not doing something else. I agree with TheDoctrine that she is doing well. While this financial situation can't go on indefinitely, there is also no quick fix for things and some research and strategizing needs to be done.

OP, I also agree that the best next move is to present your DH with the task of sorting out how to finance your mat leave - as I suggested before, ask him which is going to be sold, the classic car or your MIL's paintings, or does he have some other way of releasing cash up his sleeve? See how he rises to that challenge. But don't get disheartened - this is a very difficult situation you are dealing with.

I'm with TheDoctrineOfAnyFucker, theoriginalandbestrookie, and Mellowandfruitful; the OP is doing well in the circumstances and I thought the request to make out a new will and re-configure the home ownership was an intelligent and neat way of making the feeble husband think.

I suppose it's in the nature of MN that some posters wants threads to have a beginning, a huge fight, and then a satisfying conclusion within, say, a couple of weeks. And then start sniping at the OP because they feel short-changed.