Money and MIL - advice needed (sorry it is quite long)

[shil0846]

This is more about my mother-in-law, however it is starting to affect my relationship with my husband and I would really appreciate some advice.

My father-in-law died last year leaving a lot of debt, but also a lot of valuable art work. My MIL also had a £15k credit card bill on which she was paying masses of interest. When she was widowed, she couldn't afford to keep paying the interest and was desperate. We therefore paid for the funeral and also took £15k out of our mortgage to lend it to her for 3 months to give her time to sell some of the art work. We are paying 4% interest on this.

11 months later she hasn't sold anything. I have sent pictures of items to auction houses to get them valued, but when I tell her what they say she tuts and says she paid far more than that and she wouldn't sell for such a low price.

The added complication is that I had a baby 6 months ago and we need the money back to buy a bigger place (we're in a tiny flat) and to fund my maternity leave. My MIL is aware of this (I have told her as plainly as I can without upsetting her). Her reaction is to apologize and say that she is ruining everything...yet she just doesn't sell anything. Most recently when I raise it she's started telling me how lucky I am to have had all this time with my DS, as she went back to work when my husband was 4 months old.

I generally have a good relationship with my MIL, but am starting to resent the fact that my family is suffering because we paid her credit card bill. I also feel duped. My husband gets really defensive when I mention it and reminds me that she's lost her husband and he's lost his father. So we end up arguing.

I know that the grief is still raw and suspect she doesn't want to part with any possessions she bought with her late husband, but I'm desperate to spend longer with my DS and could do so if she would only pay us back.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Xx

I would imagine every call to mil will now be " what about the rest of our money?" Not dh money. No chatting about Christmas, ds, pretending everything is ok when its not.

Tell her that you need the rest and what is she going to do about it? I too think all this about " little old lady's possessions" is not making sense. The idea was she would sell them to pay you, so its not a new thing.

Your dh seems to agree she doesnt need to pay as she paid for his uni course/ education. Does your dh agree with this or does he say outloud she has to pay up? Because until he gets angry and does something it will just gnaw away at you. Its his dm, he should be dealing with her.

Every penny that was once spent on her should be put in the pot to pay off the free loan you gave her. Yes its nice for ds to see granny, but she isn't being the type of granny and influence I would like on a child. I doubt I could stand it myself.

This idea of suddenly needing to pay a parent back for your education is ludicrous! Ok, maybe in specific circumstances such as a loan for a postgrad course, but not general spending which has almostly wholly been decided by parents, such as school fees....

I can't do anything for the moment as it was my late FIL's birthday last weekend and the anniversary of his death is coming up next week. I'm going to wait til that's over and then try and apply more pressure.

I am however fuming as she mentioned in conversation to my DH tonight that she is still making monthly payments of about £30 a month to the local Torys and her church etc. I know it's for charity and not a huge sum, but it just seems crazy when she owes so much. to be fair, my DH did tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to stop and put her own family first.

It sounds like your dh is starting to see how this is going.

If she is 69, realistically, how much longer before she may not be able to manage in a big house? She is on her own hundreds of miles away, at some point she will need to live in a smaller place or spend a fortune on cleaner, gardener, carers etc.

Perhaps now is the time for some Sunday afternoon drives through areas with bungalows, coo, "oo, isn't this a nice area" then leave it at that. Just let the idea plant itself that there are other options of where to live that are also acceptable.

To think your children owe you for their education is dreadful. It is your choice where you send them. It is grasping and emotional blackmail. She wanted the kudos of a son at a private school, your DH owes her nothing in this respect.

about the charity donations, although I shouldn't be shocked really. She doesn't see the £15K as your money. I imagine she's never had to think much about money. Someone always gives her some, the bank, whatever.

I think you are going to have to force her to understand what the lack of money is meaning for your family. It'll be uncomfortable but you need to explicitly state what you are sacrificing because she won't honour her debt. As she's clearly so selfish, I think you may need to make sure that she will suffer from not paying you back either so don't pay for her to visit, you can't afford it (and her charity subs should cover it). See her less and show that you are angry and disappointed.

I think ChasedBy is right, if she has been living by drawing down the equity in her house and not repaying it, this is "normalised" for her so she probably doesn't see the £15k as a big deal.

I'm not surprised you are fuming about 30 pounds (!) a month going to the church and Tories, which lets face it are hardly hard up. What else is she doing which is unnecessary and impossible for woman in her situation? A touch of the Marie Antoinette about her!

Its a pity your dh didn't insist on going through her debts and monthly statements with her when your fil died to see where saving should be made, and perhaps you wouldn't have had to take out a loan, or not such a big one at least. Or you would have had a red flag when she wanted you to take out a loan but wanted to continue to donate to charity... Perhaps time to look at it all? Did she leave all financing to your fil? , perhaps you should ask who is helping her now. Is she paying an iFA? I expect she isn't looking on the Internet for utulity bargains etc, and to be fair, she probably doesn't know how.

Although she may have a bizarre outlook in that saving and being frugal isnt for the likes of me. Just a thought. Like some people won't have second hand clothes, even if unworn iyswim

Seems like your dh is being stronger, which is good.

The £30 a month to the church and Tory party (is that each or in total?) is all about how she is seen in the local community and goes along with the large house, meals out etc

The danger in going through all of her debts and outgoings with her is that it will still be your DH's and your responsibility. If you do go down this route you need to make it clear that she needs to call X, repay Y etc or get her to see a debt counsellor (be careful not someone who just wants to make her bankrupt / see up a voluntary arrangement). If not, she may still think that you will be sorting out her debt / outgoings etc and it is then just a small extension to you providing further funding or re-mortgaging.

It's £30 in total. I know it's not a lot in the great scheme of things, but it would at least help to pay the interest on our loan.

I spoke to my MIl earlier today and was left fuming again. The reason being that my PIL had a classic car which was forever causing problems and needing maintenance /servicing. They bought it 20 years ago as a second hand car and over time it has become classed as a classic.

When we were getting married, they asked me if we would like it as a wedding present as my husband loves old cars (but I do not). I firmly said "thank you, but no" as we could not afford the upkeep and have nowhere to keep it (and my husband already has an old beaten up '70s MG which is like a financial black hole). At the time we were in debt paying for our wedding.

However, to my utter dismay, they gave it to us anyway. It is still stored in their garage and the effect of the gift is that they still have the car but we now pay all the servicing, insurance, etc. My husband refuses to sell it as he's known it since he was little and says "it is like family" and it would apparently break his mother's heart (it's worth approx £8,000).

When I called earlier my MIL was busy serving homemade scones to the mechanic who had been out to sort out the brakes. She asked me to tell my husband he needed to send the mechanic £400. £400 for a car I didn't want and we don't use, I am in despair at the money my DH's family wastes.

Wow. Sell the car pronto. It's yours, you don't need MIL's permission. Don't let her use it or spend money on it in the meantime.

How ridiculous that you are in this financial position and your DH won't sell the car. He's starting to sound as though he has a worrying amount in common with his mother, actually.

could you do it unilaterally, or would that cause too much trouble with your DH to be worth it?

So your husband is willing to let you cut your maternity leave short, even though you don't want to and he knows that, but has a car worth 8K sitting in a garage which you also pay the maintenance for?

In that case, I think it's time you issued your DH with an ultimatum. Either the car is sold or the paintings, to repay some of what you are owed, and to enable your maternity leave to continue. If he will not do what is necessary to make that happen, within the next month, then you will be clear that for both him and your MIL, objects are more important than the welfare of you and your DD. And therefore, the pair of them will get no more co-operation from you in making your MIL's life easy - no visits, no phone calls (stop speaking to her, either answering or taking calls) no access to DD, no funding of her visits to you. You will be setting up a bank account for yourself and diverting your money into that, since it isn't safe as 'family money' in a family where yours and your DD's needs are put last. And you will be thinking very seriously about staying in a marriage where that is the case too. for you!

print this thread and show him!

his WIFE and DD will suffer because he has mummy issues and it just so happens his mummy is a selfish hoarder?

they are alright so fuck the rest of you? sorry but they fit the Tory donators mould very well

they need to get a grip!

dh didnt give her the 400 did he? I would be raging!

A classic car is only affordable as a luxury if you can also afford to piss money up the wall. And why was she spenfing money on a car that's meant to be sitting in s garage, not being driven, because it riesn't belong to your MIL? It sounds a bit like you and DH are serfs, really, paying "rent" for everything which makes up your life, without being able to change or sell any of it.

And she is a "rentier" par excellence, receiving income on her art (without selling - FFS even Charles Saatchi donated his art, and he's scarcely Mother Theresa) and property, apparently using your cladsic car...

I would tell her you will deduct the 400 pounds from the 15K plus interest. And then sell the car.

Bloody hell, what did you say? You didn't ask for the brakes to be fixed so you don't have to pay this.

You should have said to her that you wouldn't be paying the mechanic 400 when she owes you 15k!

Now reduced to 14.600

Your DH has dropped several notches in my estimation if he refuses to sell that car. You even pay the insurance on this? That is just crazy. Now you need to get tough. Sell the car. Take the paintings and sell them.

At least SORN the car, pronto. Then have the convo about selling it.

Actually sorry, we're all badgering you to do this and that, I do appreciate you don't have as much agency as we are blithely assuming. It sounds desperately hard to get either your DH or MIL to be honest and decisive about anything financial.

Never thought I'd post this, but could you strop off somewhere else for a bit to get your DH to come to his senses?

As usual, it's not so much a MIL problem as a husband problem!

A car is like a family?

Oh bloody hell how wet!

Well, that'll be comfort when he/you are sleeping in it as it's all you have after MIL has bled you dry...

Tell him to get rid-and the 70s MG.

You can't afford either by the sounds of things!

Or get rid of him!