Realize I don't want to be married any more

[butterballs9]

That's it really. My children are nearly grown up. I've become more interested in my appearance and look good for my age with a well toned body (that sounds boastful but it's true and the result of much hard work). I get on perfectly well with my husband but I realize I am interested in other men. I just don't find him that sexually attractive any more. I feel mean saying that but it's true. He's a good guy and and a great Dad so I feel very selfish admitting that I wish I was free.

Anyone else out there in the same boat? I have felt like this for years but never done anything about it (apart from the odd flirtations when out with friends). Outsiders looking in on our marriage would think it was perfect - we don't argue, we get on , we have shared interests and so on. In other words he is a great companion.

But the spark is no longer there and now that the children are older the shared parenting role is far less important than it was.

I have gone through all the options in my mind for years. Divorce is such a hassle and so expensive. I don't think I could handle the stress of an affair and I would feel too guilty. I suppose I could try to get my husband to agree to an open marriage but - why would he want to? He is not interested in other women (the irony of this given that a lot of my friends' husbands are!!)

I'm really interested in hearing from others who are experiencing or have experienced a similar thing. I have had a bit of counselling and maybe that would be an option - but I know that I would be telling the counselor what I am saying here - except that seems quite cruel. Compared to some of the horror stories on here, my problem does not really seem like a problem at all. Except that it is - to me.

The horse has already bolted but fwiw - the OP wanted feedback on open relationships. I have to say I've not seen an open relationship that worked particularly well. That's not to say they don't exist, I'm sure they do but from the examples I've seen, generally there's one who is less into it than the other. One partner may be going along with it to keep the relationship alive. Where both partners are both equally into it, the style of love between them is different to that within conventional monogamous relationships. (As it would have to be for conventional jealousy not to come into play).

One of my best male friends was in an open relationship for a few years & he said it only worked because he didn't love his gf.

For it to work you have to have both partners equally committed to the open-ness, and you also therefore have to factor in that, at any point one of you may fall for another person you're involved with & end the relationship.

Okay, I think a few too many glasses of wine had me losing the plot. And i don't want to flounce off. I agree with the posters who have suggested talking to my husband. I have held on to this for too long.

As for the poster who said I don't value birthdays and so on - what an extraordinary thing to write! I have been and continue to be a devoted mother, that is one of the reasons I have stayed in the marriage for so long. And no, I am not suggesting people stay in unhappy marriages 'for the sake of the children' but, as I have already explained, my marriage is not unhappy per se. We function well together but this is a lack of sexual chemistry and passion, at least on my side.

I did take my marriage vows seriously and I do care a lot about my children. That is why it is such a dilemma for me. I guess I fall into the 'too good to leave' category of marriages.

Lifelong marital monogamy clearly doesn't work for a lot of people otherwise there would not be so many divorces and people would not have affairs. Plus not every marriage is a happy one. And some people never get married and do have multiple or serial relationships. And so on!

I think I just have to man up and have a good long talk with him. Maybe it won't be as bad as all that. Maybe it will be a relief. I think I need to decide whether I do it all in one go or whether I go for more of a drip feed approach. Actually, I get the impression that he is wanting me to talk to me I guess I am just being a coward. I think I have always tended to put other people's needs before my own so it has been easy to hide under the mother and wife role.

It's just such a difficult conversation to have. And yes, I do care about 'hurting his feelings' even if my concern is misplaced and honesty is the best policy.

You're a bit narrow-minded if you think that people only have affairs because they have difficulty with monogamy. People's motivations are far more complex than that. I think you're suffering from Flawed Correlation Syndrome (as well as a hangover, no doubt!)

It would have been more gracious to apologise for your rudeness last night, but fair play to you for coming back and good luck with your chat. FWIW I'd do it all in one go rather than drip-feeding. I seriously doubt this will be a complete shock in any case, unless your husband suffers from No Intuition Syndrome. I hope you're both honest with eachother, because you might hear things that will surprise you.

Might he go to the gym with you?
Sounds trite, and may not be enough. But if someone changes one thing, somethimes other things change too.

Other posters on here have been quite rude and judgmental and I haven't noticed any apologies from them!

Not a lot of graciousness, either, come to that!

But anyway.......guess that's why I lost my temper. In actual fact there is another thread up in relationships written by a man which seems to sum up the situation quite well - 'my wife is not that into me' - perhaps we can hook up! Just kidding!

Also some massive assumptions from posters when my situation cannot really be that different from a lot of other people's (if what my friends tell me is anything to go by....and what I read on here and elsewhere).

But never mind.

I am happy to hear my husband's perspective. I suspect he suffers more from the 'ostrich' syndrome which I probably suffer from too. It's difficult to change a status quo, much easier to do nothing. I suppose the fact that our children are older has forced the issue a bit....

I think I was trying to explain that the fact that people have affairs is evidence that not everyone wants to be monogamous in their marriages. In actual fact, people get divorced because they no longer want to have sex with the person they are married too. And all sorts of other reasons.

Favourite - I WISH it were that simple - believe me, that would be amazing.

It's a long thread which I only dipped in and out of, but while I don't think all posters will have warmed to your posting style, I didn't see any comments which came close to your outburst last night.

I'm sure lots of posters have been honest with you about their marriages, but it's also possible that some posters might have been unwilling to share very personal admissions with someone who was being so abrasive and dismissive on occasions. Maybe if you want to guage the 'state of the nation' and invite sharing, it would be better to namechange and alter the tone?

Personally, I don't think affairs are an especially accurate barometer of people's desire not to be monogamous, any more than I think a long faithful marriage is a failsafe indicator of the participants' penchant for fidelity. Nor do I think the ups and downs of marriage and long-term relationships are always linear, in that for many couples at your stage of life the difficult years are behind them and the extra freedom, no pregnancy fears and extra time together sometimes means the relationship hits a high in mid-life. That's certainly been my experience at least!

So while I doubt what you're feeling is unusual, there will be lots of people telling you the truth when they say your situation does not resonate. But that doesn't mean what you're experiencing isn't valid, or that the state of other people's relationships should have any bearing on your next moves.

Good luck with the chat.

I can't help wonder if you are just waiting for someone to ask 'why not just have a wank?'

If I was feeling less generous I might wonder if is was some kind of experiment to see if women get told the same thing as men when eh use the relationship forum on mumsnet.

But that would probably be rude.

I still think that everything you have said points to your husband definitely not going to be keen on an open relationship so my original opinion still stands. You need to end the relationship so you can peruse whatever it is you are not getting enough of in your marriage.

Two things OP - if you are going to have a chat with him, dont drip feed, just get it all over and done with then the guy can start to re-adjust. That surely is the fairest way.
Secondly, answer me this - why the open marriage? Why not just a clean break. Something must be holding you back, yeh?

Op. just wanted to add a sympathetic voice. I feel like you. Married young. Decent husband. Lovely growing kids. Now what?

If you did end up finding your husband sexually attractive, would you want to stay?

Midnight - thanks, it helps me to know that other people are in the same boat. Even if the boat is leaking.

Francesca - I think what I found annoying is that quite a few posters were quite hostile to what I was saying, as though I could somehow flick a switch and feel differently. I now realize I have tried too long and hard to 'do the decent thing' and have ignored my own feelings for too long.

I suppose the open marriage option might give us both a breathing space to see if the grass is greener without the upheaval of a divorce. However, I think another option might be a formal separation (again, this would be after a lot of discussion) which would mean we could stay living in the same house and buy some breathing space. There strike me as being quite a few advantages to this - it is relatively easy to implement and is not as final as a divorce.

There is the possibility that this is a 'phase'. But of course I don't expect my husband to necessarily be prepared to wait in the wings while I have my mid-life crisis, or whatever it is. But I am not so sure it is that. More a question of coming to a different phase in my life.

In my particular case divorce would have huge financial implications. And I don't particularly want to stop living in the family home.

Favourite - good question. I just think that the horse has long since bolted in that respect and probably both of us have been as bad as each other in terms of being ostriches and burying our heads firmly in the sand.

You seem to be a poster where appearance matters. And money matters a lot too.
Not quite sure where I am going with this post, I am meandering I suppose. In short, I think I am leaning towards saying that if your husband got fit, and sort of changed to your way of looking at life, that that would help?

And I am also getting the impression that you are go getting in some areas of your life, but an ostrich in others, which is a bit unusual I would say.

I cant quite work out his personality? A sort of go along with you personality?

I don't think going from a long monogamous marriage to an open relationship will give you breathing space. I think that is probably the biggest change you could make and I wouldn't do it if you are thinking it will be some kind of half measure or stepping stone or reprieve. You would both have to really want it and be really secure in the relationship to manage it.

Not sure whether married young or later is of any relevance as I married late and had children in my 30's (after many failed relationships) yet I wonder what's going to hold our relationship together once the children have grown up.

I don't really care about appearances, per se, but I enjoy family life and so does my husband. So I am not planning on moving out into a one bedroom flat. I have brought considerable more money into the marriage than my husband who recently has brought quite a bit of debt into the marriage. I put my career on hold at least partly to bring up children.

I need to secure my future just as much as my husband does. The nest egg that I had built up has been partly used by my husband to help him in various businesses.

The bottom line is if that I got divorced I would be considerably worse off financially and would be worried about my future financial situation. Plus I would resent the fact that he would be able to walk off with much more of (my) money, while it was me who put my career on hold and he was always able to carry on working as he had a wife at home who managed everything.

This is not to be sniffed at. A friend of mine divorced her (well off) husband who managed to weasel (I am not saying my husband would do this, by the way, just that it CAN HAPPEN!) her out of any decent kind of settlement - they had four children who were all still at school - and she has been forced to move into a small council flat while ex husband has a lovely big house with his new family.

Her earning potential has been massively reduced as she has been out of the job market for so long - plus some of her children are still at school. She is miserable, in debt and the children from her marriage prefer being with their father because the house is much more comfortable. She admits that she would rather still be married to him - even though he was an arse - than be living in the situation she is in now.

Just sayin'! It's all very well for people to say 'oh just leave' but there are huge implications very often. And sometimes people regret it.

As for open marriage - who knows - perhaps my husband is desperate to shag his secretary (or whoever?!) you never know. Never say never.
:)

Just kidding on that last bit, just to lighten up a bit - and it is Friday after all (grin).

See, I wouldnt let money get in the way of other things. But I am not you.
And you have a first hand witness of a woman who has done what you were thinking to do, and regretted it. Though that wouldnt necessarily mean everything for you would go the same way.

Could you not go out on date nights with him, nightclubs if you can manage to drag him, or other stuff that you could do together, daredevil stuff, and see if that works.See if the chemistry comes back? Otherwise I think that your options are very limited.

How old are you? Have you considered that your libido may decrease as you get older? And then you might find that you are no longer interested in other men, because you are no longer interested in any men at all? This does happen to some women. I am 57 and my libido, which was sky high right up until my mid forties, has dwindled virtually to nothing. I understand it's fairly common, although not talked about.... (one of those taboo things because none of us want to admit that that part of our lives is over, never to return).

Also, are your friends' husbands all up for it? Is this what's making you think? Are they making passes at you which you're finding it hard to turn down? Please bear in mind that once you'd actually given in to one of them, the flattery would stop and it would be a nasty dirty little secret and probably ruin your friendship with his/their wife/wives because you'd not be able to face them.

And finally, if it's just sex you want at the moment, why not join one of those discreet swingers things. Am sure you could google one or two. Or there are websites for people who just want flings with no strings? I know you said you would feel too guilty but in some ways, although I'm not necessarily advocating it, breaking up a long marriage, possibly breaking your husband's heart and distressing your children is not worth a fuck or two with a stranger, is it?

In some ways I do feel for you, but I think you need to look at it from the point of view of yourself as a 70 year old. Was it worth it?

Op, how old are you and how old were you when you got married? Was there a lot of 'man action' before you got married?

I met my husband when I was 35 and got married when I was 37. Prior to him, I had three long term relationships and several years of being single in between. I've never had a problem meeting men but as I got older it got progressively harder to meet decent men who weren't liars, cheats or just after one thing. It gets very wearing after a while and I have lots of friends who had similar experiences to me. They were all attractive, educated and with good jobs.

It's your life. Do what you want. Leave your husband and have some fun. I honestly think if you are planning on a leaving a decent kind man then you are in for a bit of a shock.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

This thread is going round in circles. Have you actually raised the subject of an open marriage yet - or are you worried that the mere mention of it might drive your dh away and leave you paying the price - financially that is because that seems to be your principal objection in your latest posts. You don't want to bring the subject up in case you have to downsize. You've not exactly been overwhelmed with support here for the open marriage proposal - despite the length of time this thread has been hanging around.

I've just read the whole thread and can't see anywhere that you have actually told your husband how you are feeling yet?

Surely that's the first thing to do? I'm not suggesting talk to him to rekindle something you don't want, but to see if his feelings are any different from yours. Who knows, it might actually be that you are both on the same page after all. And if you aren't then you can so something about it.

We have been together for 35 years, married for 26 of them. Sometimes life gets stressful, boring, all about the children etc etc and we have certainly had our ups and downs over the years. But I have never felt that I would want to be without him, or that I would settle for sharing him with someone else.

IMO telling him how you feel is the only way to go or you might never find the life you want, with or without him.

It's probably because of my own set up that I don't find the OP's viewpoint so unreasonable - though mine is very different. It's just complete and utter bullshit that the 'right' way to bring up children is within a heteromonogamous relationship. Lots of people are not doing that. Lots of people are doing it and hating it. There are other ways to live.

I live with my DS. His father does not live with us, but is an active, involved and very good parent. We do, all three of us, consider ourselves a family, it's just that there is no couple-relationship between the two parents - DS' dad was a longstanding drinking buddy of mine (who I had dated about 15 years previously and broken up with amicably); DS was a surprise to us, and after a few initial bumps and wobbles, we settled down into our current amicable arrangement as co-parents. OK, there are some factors that make our set up work for us - firstly, DS dad and I are older. We were 39 when he was born and probably a bit more mellow than people in their early 20s who have a surprise pregnancy occur. Secondly, and probably more importantly, DS dad and I are both really 'married' to our work and our single lives. Neither of us is bothered about finding a romantic/sexual partner to commit to. We both sometimes have a fling or a ONS with other people, if we feel like it, but that's all.
And I think that's a good arrangement. DS has two parents who love him, plus grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides who love him and get to see him regularly.

So it makes perfect sense to me that the OP (and quite a lot of women) would pick a man to have and raise DC with on the grounds that he's a decent bloke and a good father, but once the children are out making their own way in the world, want to go and do something different.

SGS. I wouldnt mind discussing that post with you, but dont think I should on here on someone else's thread.

But I will pick up a couple of points relating to the op.

Main part I suppose, which ties in with the previous post, is that your partner is and has been willing to go along with the arrangement.Also, your ds can still see both sides of the family. Actually your arangement is not really the position the op is in at all, the more I write.

Thanks for responses. Favourite - yes, we do sometimes go to clubs we both like dancing) and usually have a good time.

I'm not sure my options are any more limited than anyone else's!! There are always options - some more feasible than others. However, I am very risk averse so would rather do nothing than do something that is potentially risks putting me in a worse situation.

Something awful - I'm in my mid-forties. I understand what you are saying but the thought of just sort of 'sitting it out' until my libido disappears is a little depressing - almost like thinking: 'oh well, I'll be dead soon, so I might as well just stay as I am!!'

My friends' husbands, LOL!!, yes some of them have made passes at me and believe me I would not touch them with a barge-pole!

The swinging scene just would not do it for me. To be honest, I can't think of anything worse but don't judge anyone for choosing that, if it floats their boat.

Eggyhead - I got married in my early 20s - I was very immature. Hardly dated at all before. If I was to leave my marriage, it would be for me, not for any other man. I certainly don't believe in knights in shining armour!

Lillian - yes, I have talked about my feelings with my husband and he would never stop me doing what I wanted. However, it would then be up to him whether he could accept a different arrangement. And maybe I couldn't handle it either.

Solidgold - I always find you view point refreshing. Talking of different arrangements, I did actually once meet a couple who had split up but still lived together (as house mates not lovers) who were co-parenting their young child. Both of them dated other people. I was intrigued how they had made this work and apparently it was the result of a lot of blood, sweat and tears not to mention hard work and negotiation. They were clearly good friends but I do believe it was not more than that - they were no longer sexually or romantically involved in each other.

I must admit, I was somewhat envious as I would have liked to have reached this kind of arrangement with my husband. We will see. But thanks for all the responses. Food for thought.