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Original poster

Realize I don't want to be married any more

174 replies

butterballs9 · 17/09/2013 16:18

That's it really. My children are nearly grown up. I've become more interested in my appearance and look good for my age with a well toned body (that sounds boastful but it's true and the result of much hard work). I get on perfectly well with my husband but I realize I am interested in other men. I just don't find him that sexually attractive any more. I feel mean saying that but it's true. He's a good guy and and a great Dad so I feel very selfish admitting that I wish I was free.

Anyone else out there in the same boat? I have felt like this for years but never done anything about it (apart from the odd flirtations when out with friends). Outsiders looking in on our marriage would think it was perfect - we don't argue, we get on , we have shared interests and so on. In other words he is a great companion.

But the spark is no longer there and now that the children are older the shared parenting role is far less important than it was.

I have gone through all the options in my mind for years. Divorce is such a hassle and so expensive. I don't think I could handle the stress of an affair and I would feel too guilty. I suppose I could try to get my husband to agree to an open marriage but - why would he want to? He is not interested in other women (the irony of this given that a lot of my friends' husbands are!!)

I'm really interested in hearing from others who are experiencing or have experienced a similar thing. I have had a bit of counselling and maybe that would be an option - but I know that I would be telling the counselor what I am saying here - except that seems quite cruel. Compared to some of the horror stories on here, my problem does not really seem like a problem at all. Except that it is - to me.

OP posts:
Offred · 18/09/2013 06:23

If you don't find someone sexually attractive anymore that is pretty much it IMHO all other issues aside.

ithaka · 18/09/2013 07:43

Offred Not necessarily, I think that is too simplistic. Over a long marriage, these things can come and go. Marriage isn't a long straight road, rather a twisty mountain track with hills, dips and diversions on the way.

DH & I have had bad times and we have also had good times. Currently we are having a great time, so I am glad I didn't walk when it stopped being fun for a while.

My advice was that it was worth giving it time and investing in the relationship & not be too quick to walk. Life can throw real curve balls & how things look now is not necessarily how they will look in a year or so.

ageofgrandillusion · 18/09/2013 07:46

Yes but ithaka she is talking years not months. She also said she is interested in other men. This relationship sounds as dead as the dodo or the OP, no point in flogging a dead horse.

Offred · 18/09/2013 07:57

Indeed age. In fact she says she's never really found him that attractive...

Lizzabadger · 18/09/2013 08:00

I think you should let your husband go and throw yourself into an exciting life of ready meals for one in front of Eastenders.

Jan45 · 18/09/2013 10:36

OMG, folk challenging the OP when she has clearly stated she is not into her husband anymore, by no spark she means doesn't fancy or find attractive- she sounds pretty sure about that, only she knows if she wants to actually move onto another phase in her life but advocating that all other men are weirdos, creeps and her life will be a ready meal in front of Eastenders is just, well barking to me.

Yeah, better you stay, be miserable and probably break his heart when some guy comes along and turns your head.

And for the poster who said my 12 year relationship is nothing in the grand scheme of things, I never said it was, I said the spark was still there and if it isn't there in 12 years time then I wouldn't want to be with a man that didn't do it for me, simple as that. No matter how nice a man he was!

ithaka · 18/09/2013 15:12

Wow Jan45, did you have your fingers crossed behind your back when you made your wedding vows? Or did you write your own vows - 'I will love you until such time as I stop feeling a spark and then I am outta here'?

Serious question - why get married if you don't at least plan for it to be for life?The terms of the contract are clearly laid out.

Jan45 · 18/09/2013 15:30

ithaka: I would reckon anyone with half a brain would marry under the notion it would be for life. Unfortunately, life isn't that clear cut and 3 out of every 5 marriages ends in divorce so go figure.

Contracts can be broken if one of the partners or even both are not happy together anymore. Sounds to me like the OP has been with her OH for a long time so I would call that successful, just because it might not last until they are under the ground doesn't mean either of them have failed.

By what the OP has posted she no longer is in love with her OH - if she wants to work at that then I'd encourage it but equally if she wants to now branch out alone and live a life that suits her better now then she should - that would allow her to meet someone else or in fact be single and love it and also lets her OH have the same chance.

Serious answer btw.

ageofgrandillusion · 18/09/2013 15:32

Thing is, OP states she got married quite young. That's the killer. No amount of attempts to bring back the spark will take away the 'what if' feeling. It may well be she ends up eating microwave meals for one. Sometimes that itch just has to be scratched.

Jan45 · 18/09/2013 15:35

aogi: spot on.

LillianGish · 18/09/2013 16:03

Exactly what happened to a friend of mine. Married young (didn't even have any other boyfriends), 15 years in and with a ten-year-old thought she might have "missed out" - egged on by colleagues at work, left lovely husband (everyone thought she was bonkers), subsequently ended up living on her own in a shared house. Two years later begged husband to take her back (spark had returned!) - he (not surprisingly - he was a great guy) had met someone else in the meantime who he subsequently married. They are very happy together - she is not.

Offred · 18/09/2013 16:03

Ithaca - a. Not everyone makes those vows b. it is not possible to commit to being in one relationship for life, in long term commitments you have to recommit repeatedly, c. It is not sensible to see marriage as irrevocable d. There is nothing wrong with leaving a marriage that makes you unhappy.

Jan45 · 18/09/2013 16:08

I'm sorry but anyone who leaves their husband or wife can't possibly two years later have the spark back, sounds more like your friend was desperately lonely and thought going back would be better than being on her own. Why did she leave him in the first place, regardless of how nice a man he is, if you don't feel it, you don't, you can't turn feelings off and on.

I've had load of instances where the man has been lovely, nice, everyone likes him but again, if you don't have that spark then no amount of others bumming up his wonderful personality will change that.

On the positive side, your friend can't be that old so like her ex perhaps Mr Right has still to come along.

LillianGish · 18/09/2013 16:19

I genuinely think in her case she felt she had missed out by not having any previous boyfriends. The reality of being back on the dating scene in her mid-thirties wasn't quite what she'd hoped for. I also think seeing her dh loved up with someone else made her see him in a different light. I don't agree that when the spark has gone it's gone - it's easy to get into a rut in a long relationship and you do sometimes have to work at it. I certainly don't advocate staying with a marriage whatever - there are plenty of philandering or even violent wastrels out there who many wives would be better off without, but I don't get the impression that that is the case here. It seems to me the OP wants to go and test the waters with her new gym-honed body. Fair enough - as you rightly point out she is perfectly entitled to do so, but I think that having posted on here to canvas opinion it is only fair to set out all the possible scenarios. The grass isn't always greener, but sometimes by the time you find that out it is too late.

Jan45 · 18/09/2013 16:27

LillianG: good points, you've made me think. I gleamed from her post that the spark had been gone a long time and they were basically just co-parenting. Now the kids have flown she's left feeling she can perhaps be a bit more selfish now and do what she wants, rather than constantly thinking about others.

I agree, it is a risk, I also agree the spark can fade in a long term relationship and it's about constantly working at it and keeping things alive, I kinda think she has tried all that already.

I think the itch will be there until she scratches it and whatever the fall out, she'll deal with that then, not so sure she'll regret it though even if she doesn't meet Mr Perfect.

Offred · 18/09/2013 16:27

You don't have to be with a cheater or an abuser to be unhappy and want to leave. Sometimes it is just a case of not being right for each other.

ithaka · 18/09/2013 16:31

It sounds like a classic mid-life crisis to me - perhaps the OP should buy herself a Harley Davidson?

I don't agree that the spark can never be rekindled, it can.

Offred · 18/09/2013 16:36

Ok, but it is a choice whether to try and rekindle surely?

SolidGoldBrass · 18/09/2013 16:36

I think it's perfectly reasonable to decide, once DC are adults, that you want to leave a marriage that has been satisfactory but dull. Particularly if you married young: for a woman that often means that you never got much of a chance to find out who you are and what you want, because marrying young means you become the man's wife and then the children's mother rather than developing your own life.

It's also reasonable to pick someone to have children with who will be a good co-parent and pleasant company, and to accept that the relationship is finite and once it has run its course, move on as kindly and fairly as possible (ie no nasty remarks about the other person's presumed faults and be completely decent about sharing assets).

Good luck, OP. The world is an interesting place and much easier to explore when you're single.

Jan45 · 18/09/2013 16:39

SGB: good point about marrying young and not having time to discover yourself.

LillianGish · 18/09/2013 16:44

I get on perfectly well with my husband ...He's a good guy and a great Dad ... we don't argue, we get on , we have shared interests and so on. In other words he is a great companion. All great qualities - the sort of things you might put on the list when looking for a new bloke? Not the sort of words you'd use to describe someone who just wasn't right for you.
I just don't find him that sexually attractive any more - that wording suggests to me that she did once find him attractive. In her shoes I'd be trying to get the spark back rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
I think the lack of decent available men as you get into your late 30s early 40s (don't know how old she is) is relevant. I don't know a single woman of that age (and I know a few) who has had any luck meeting a decent bloke. All the good ones are gone or looking to meet much younger women. No harm trying your luck of course but I'm willing to bet a few dates with some of the sad losers friends of mine have been dating might be enough to help her see her DH in a different light. By then it could be too late.

Offred · 18/09/2013 16:59

That description fits my husband. Except we don't argue because we don't actually communicate at all and we don't have sex and I don't find him attractive because of that and because there's no intimacy in the relationship.

It takes both parts to make the relationship successful and I don't see why someone has to work to get the spark back if they don't want to.

Offred · 18/09/2013 17:00

We're separating btw. I am not separating because I want to find something better but because being with him is destroying my mental health and self-respect.

Editededition · 18/09/2013 17:10

I understand your points OP.
Just think you are talking about it in the wrong place.
You need to sit down and start talking honestly and openly with your H about where life is going to go for the future......because if you don't find him attractive now, its very likely that you will actively resent him in another few years.

One word of caution. You may feel that you are looking damn good ( hats off to you, and anyone who works hard to maintain the framework ) but you need to be sure that you are ending a long marriage because you really don't want to be with this person for the rest of your life not because you are planning a man-hunt. Doing it because you think there may be a more attractive option out there is a very risky road.
Ask yourself how will you feel if you end up alone?

For people divorcing for the right reasons, being alone is infinitely preferable to staying where they are.

Maleeka · 18/09/2013 17:18

I disagree with anyone saying the spark can come back. I tried and my ex tried even harder but it just wasnt to be. He's a great dad and a lovely bloke but after 15 years together i just realised that i wasnt sexually attracted to him anymore and we were just raising our kids together.

I'll feel guilty everyday for crushing such a caring guy but i know that in the long run i'd end up resenting him and wondering how life could've been.

We both now have new partners and i couldnt be happier for him but in the process i know i hurt him dearly and our relationship is very strained.

I know from lurking on here that the spark can come back and i'm happy for couples who make it, but for me, i know i made the right decision.