Realize I don't want to be married any more

[butterballs9]

That's it really. My children are nearly grown up. I've become more interested in my appearance and look good for my age with a well toned body (that sounds boastful but it's true and the result of much hard work). I get on perfectly well with my husband but I realize I am interested in other men. I just don't find him that sexually attractive any more. I feel mean saying that but it's true. He's a good guy and and a great Dad so I feel very selfish admitting that I wish I was free.

Anyone else out there in the same boat? I have felt like this for years but never done anything about it (apart from the odd flirtations when out with friends). Outsiders looking in on our marriage would think it was perfect - we don't argue, we get on , we have shared interests and so on. In other words he is a great companion.

But the spark is no longer there and now that the children are older the shared parenting role is far less important than it was.

I have gone through all the options in my mind for years. Divorce is such a hassle and so expensive. I don't think I could handle the stress of an affair and I would feel too guilty. I suppose I could try to get my husband to agree to an open marriage but - why would he want to? He is not interested in other women (the irony of this given that a lot of my friends' husbands are!!)

I'm really interested in hearing from others who are experiencing or have experienced a similar thing. I have had a bit of counselling and maybe that would be an option - but I know that I would be telling the counselor what I am saying here - except that seems quite cruel. Compared to some of the horror stories on here, my problem does not really seem like a problem at all. Except that it is - to me.

crikey it was ages and ages ago i divorced my "mr nice but meh". he's remarried. kids are fine.

I think i "knew" if i stayed with him i'd end up resentful and bitter and taking it out on other things in my life.

or end up one of those horror MIL types with DS - i was lurking on a thread about them, and one thing that seemed to be a common theme for them was "strong willed woman partnered up with "nice" guy with no sense of self".

or end up resenting other women their freedom.

i kind of date round now and i really enjoy the experience overall (bad dates meh, that's what 3 hours and a funny story ).

of course it can be lonely, that's the human condition.

but i agree 150% with editededition - it wasn't just divorce to go "on a manhunt" i've had growth experiences (fnar fnar) that are above and beyond having new lovers.

If you're bored OP, look to yourself, not your DH. Take up scuba diving, sky diving or bungee jumping.

But don't throw out a prince to kiss a bunch of frogs

To be fair, OP, it's perhaps not the best idea to leave an adequate but dull marriage in pursuit of another man. Whether it's the case that there is a particular other man you are tempted by, or whether you think that there's a Mr Perfect out there somewhere, there is so much more to life than being someone's partner - leave a marriage to discover yourself.

It's perfectly feasible that your current husband is a nice man and a good father, but this doesn't stop him being boring. A man can be fair, honest, kindhearted and loyal but incapable of understanding why his wife wants to do anything other than domestic work and watch the telly, with perhaps the occasional 'pampering' ie getting her hair done. He's quite happy to eat his dinner and put his feet up. He doesn't want to take up scuba diving or go to the theatre or travel the world, he's fine where he is, thanks. This doesn't make him a bad man, but it can make the marriage something the woman has outgrown, and in such a case, leaving it is entirely reasonable.

Maleeka and others who have been in a similar situation or who can empathize with my situation - thank you. I understand all the comments about throwing something good away, which is why I have stuck in the marriage for a very long time. But I have itchy feet. It's just a fact. I am simply being honest. I could pretend everything is perfect and I am madly in love with my husband and fancy the pants off him. But that would be a lie.

Do I have my eye on anyone else - yes, as it happens, there are three blokes who I fancy :) . I am much too much of a coward to do anything about it though.

As to my husband, he is a grown up and is perfectly capable of looking after himself. He stays with me because he wants to, not for any other reason at all. If he wants to waltz into the sunset with someone else, he is perfectly at liberty to do so any time he wishes.

Almost grown up children means almost grown up children - late teens. Odd question what other age group could it refer to?

I often find the threads on here relating to people in less than perfect marriages (which is most marriages) confusing. On the one hand, there seem to be one hell of a lot of people dealing with crappy marriages or affairs or divorce or whatever. But on the other hand, there seems to be very little tolerance for someone in a marriage which is perfectly functional but where sexual attraction has waned. Surely this must apply to a lot of marriages after a certain time? Presumably this is one of the reasons people have affairs?

But I do understand the grass is greener comments. I really do. But I could be very happy on my own as well as in a relationship so it's not a question of 'blaming' my husband for how I feel or wanting someone else to give me something.

My marriage was what you describe butter.

The problem was not really sex. It was lack of intimacy based on poor communication.

If you want to leave your dh because you are unhappy and don't want to fix it then you would probably all be happier with a split after the dust settles.

"Perfectly functional" is exactly it in fact. But it was not enough for me, it felt like I was shrivelling up and dying.

And I suspect the reason it isn't talked about too much is because it is the last bastion of sexism; that women might leave a perfectly functional relationship with a nice man just because they aren't happy.

It depends how serious you think it is to break a promise. I happen to think that "itchy feet" isn't really a good enough reason to do that.

That aside, it depends whether the life lesson you want to teach your kids is about perserverance or cutting your losses.

I think that's a bit harsh to say she is not teaching her kids about perseverance, they have actually been married a hell of a long time so I don't think the problem with the OP is her staying power.

Perseverance isn't about length of time, it's about sticking with things when they are difficult / ungratifying.

Like I say, last bastion.

Leaving a marriage for a woman is virtually required to be treated as damaging the kids unecessarily unless the husband is abusive.

Having lived in the situation for much less time than the op and having been married much less time than the op but also brought really low by my "perfectly functional" relationship, to the point of planning/organising suicide. I can absolutely say that I don't want to teach my children that women should flog a dead horse at their own personal expense.

A promise made decades ago for the op seems pale in comparison to the plan for someone who feels like a sexual being to live celibate lot because her husband is a nice guy.

I don't see what's sexist about it, given that I'd say (and have said) exactly the same thing to a man.

As I have said, she's been married a long, long time so she clearly does have perseverance. I'm sure during that time she's went through difficult and ungratifying times, what marriage hasn't.

Still think your comments re her kids is completely unnecessary.

Not you particularly but definitely in society I mean. Women are held responsible for damaging children by leaving unsatisfactory marriages just because they are unhappy much more than men are.

I hope nowadays women are not scorned in this way, most people are reasonable and won't expect a woman to lie in her bed anymore. I would imagine the OP has stayed with this man purely for the kids sake - it's perhaps her time now, she's done her raising.

Still think your comments re her kids is completely unnecessary.

Why? I would have thought it was fairly uncontroversial to claim that kids learn from the parental model. Now is an opportunity for her to choose between two important life lessons. Note that though I am clearly on one side of the fence, I framed the other in positive terms as "cutting your losses", not "throwing in the towel".

I don't actually know why you are bringing her kids into this and I don't even understand your last comment...

If it's to teach her kids life lessons then I think as young adults they could probably cope with the understanding that not all marriage last forever.

I'd certainly not want my mum or dad to stay together out of some misguided loyalty to me as their child, I'd prefer them to be happy.

Interesting responses, thanks! I do think there is a bit of a double standard with regard to men and women leaving marriages. For instance, one couple I know, the husband announced he no longer wanted to be married (their children were much younger). As far as I am aware, no-one judged him whereas I think if it had been her, it would have been deemed 'selfish'.

Also men who are bored or unhappy in marriages seem to go along with the affair option which can then lead to a way of getting out of the marriage (even if that was not the initial intent). In actual fact, I think men tend to have affairs in order to prop up and spice up the marriage. Whereas women seem to adopt the martyr option. Not least because women are judged more harshly when they have affairs in my opinion - another gender double standard.

Well, I don't know - surely marriage is not supposed to be some kind of penance (by the way, I am not saying mine is, necessarily). There does seem to be this 'hair shirt' attitude - sort of 'grin and bear it', 'you've made your bed' and all that.

But surely there are other options apart from 'grin and bear it' and divorce? Is it really that black and white? Come on, someone who has tried something else - like open marriage?

Well I agree with SGB.

If you want to leave because you are unhappy, then do it. But do it discover yourself, enjoy the life on your own with the clear idea that you might end up alone and single, not find sex with someone else that great either and not as secure as you were when you were married (security is quite often the one thing that being in a couple brings).

I actually can see exactly where you are coming from and I have had the same sort of feelings. There is an itch there, wondering how my sex life could be if I was with someone else perhaps more compatible.
but atm I am not ready to sacrifice the security the marriage is giving me and the dcs for that. maybe when they will be older...

the double standard.. well yes as for many more things, what is expected and reactions arte different for men and women.

Don't let that stop you from leaving if you wish to.
but don't think it's also an open door/excuse to say 'Stuff it. I am leaving'. A lot of men are also in the 'grim and bear it' position too. Even though probably less, in proportion than women because ...well it's clear, the women end up with the dcs, they also usually have lower wages which means that a divorce has greater consequences on them and on the dcs (that they end up looking after) than the men.

As this is not your situation (the dcs) and I suppose you are financially independent, then, you are free to decide what you want to do for yourself.

Other people do try other things obviously.

I doubt my husband and I will divorce for a long time if at all actually for various reasons; two kids not his, I definitely don't want another marriage etc

We are separating, plan to still co-parent in much the same way with one of us sleeping in a bedsit across the road for the moment.

Other people do an open marriage but I wouldn't choose this, would be too much work. I very much want to be on my own for now in a relationship sense.

No-one can tell you what would be best for you though.

If you think an open marriage would suit then talk to your dh about it.

well, look. I am one of those women who left a long relationship because I became attracted to someone else. After I slept with him the first time I went straight home and told my partner of 12 years that we were over. 10 months later the house was sold and I now live with the man I had an affair with, we are married and we have a child.

There's no way on earth I would have asked my previous partner to have an open relationship. I for one wouldn't have been able to cope with that as I didn't want to have sex with my old boyfriend anymore plus I doubt that either of them would have been up for it.

I felt like a complete shit for what I did even though I was pretty honest pretty early on. Plus I had tried for years to fix the things that were wrong in my previous relationship. Oh - and by the way I missed out on 'the whole dating scene' too but don't think the solution is to have sex with lots of different people just to make up for lost opportunity while still maintaining a cosy relationship with my partner.

Answer me this....

You say in your OP that you are not sexually attracted to your husband. Do you think that your DH's idea of an open marriage would be one where he never gets to have sex with you again but keeps on living with you? How would that go down?

I think it's a good lesson to teach DC - that a couple-relationship needn't last forever. People change as they go through life and not always in the same direction. I have little patience with the idea of having to spend your life shackled to someone who is nice but dull just because you raised your children together.

This myth about lifelong marriage is, more than anything else, about securing a woman's domestic services for a man. Once the DC are starting their independent lives, if you and your H have grown apart, there is no good reason to stay in a couple if you don't want to.